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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How suspicious would you be?

93 replies

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 08:54

We have been together for 14 years. A few years ago he was caught out texting and he admitted flirting and going for drinks with a girl he worked with and he also has a very flirty personality.

All this was sorted out and we have been pottering about happily for the past few years.

He recently changed offices so he works for the same company but in a new branch and has started acting odd. He is very snappy with me and he did this last time also he has put a pin on his phone and it has gone from been thrown on the side and often forgotton to glued to him, he even took it in the bathroom with him last night.
He used to chat to me a lot when he was on the way to work and this has stopped and he is just acting edgy and odd.
He has a raging cold today and is still taking his phone everywhere with him it has also been put on silent.

I know something odd is going on but I don't want to ask him as he will deny it and I will start to think I'm just been a bit crazy. I want evidence so I can throw the fucker out if I find anything and get on with my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 09:24

It is a PAYG he has that BBM and has gone from having 3 contacts to 26.

I think the colleague is just nice, I just didn't want to drip feed.

I think you might have a point Annie, I am just tired of been took for a mug.

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katkin73 · 16/09/2011 09:27

Sorry to hear you are going through this, it has happened to me very recently too, trust your gut instincts but also give yourself time to plan what you will do, try and act as normally as possible around him so he lets his guard down a bit, he will slip up and you will get the evidence you need.

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 09:37

Ok, so I just said to him I'd lost a couple of numbers off my phone and asked for his so I could copy them back into my phone from his, first he was going to read them out to me but I held out my hand and he passed it over but then sat right next to me while I did it.
He then got up went to loo and took his phone and is now upstairs getting sorted for work.

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babyhammock · 16/09/2011 09:45

Can you steathly steal the phone without him noticing before he goes to work? Hmmm but you still don't know the pin... then again I'm sure that can be 'sorted'.
Give him hug and slip it out of his pocket...whatever it takes
I'd say he was definately up to no good! x

AttillaTheMum · 16/09/2011 09:56

It sounds very suspicious.
I would say he has deleted anything incriminating while he was upstairs.
Wait for a few dys them demand the phone and FB access.

If he resuses that's as good as an admission IMO.

JeremyVile · 16/09/2011 09:56

I'll bet he deleted anything incriminating when he went to the toilet.

So sorry you're going through this but your determination not to put up with it any more (if he is up to anything, and I agree with everyone else, it doesn't look good) is fantastic, keep yourself feeling strong. You dont need this crap.

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 10:02

I am so over all the games, I have daughters I don't want them thinking it is ok. I feel like I woke up after a long sleep.

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Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 10:03

You are probablt right Jeremy, he used the loo downstairs and when he came out there was no sound of the loo flushing.

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sicksick · 16/09/2011 10:09

He is either cheating on you or throwing you a suprise party.

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 10:11

Well my birthday was over 3 months ago :(.

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PeppermintPasty · 16/09/2011 10:12

Yep, I'm another vote for suspicious I'm afraid. Can you get him on his own ie when the DC aren't there and insist he shows you the phone with the ultimatum that if he doesn't therefore he must be hiding something and he will have to clear off(to a friend or relative?) til he sorts his act out? Obviously I wouldn't normally say "go" like that, but you DO have some sort of evidence-and that's his change in behaviour.

In other words, you may just have to force the issue to cut the game short. I hope I'm wrong.

peasandlove · 16/09/2011 10:16

my ex came home from a night out, couldnt explain where he'd been all night (it was the morning by now) and SLEPT on his phone.. literally was lying on it. But I wrestled it off him and found the texts/calls he'd made to his workmate during the night. This wasnt the first or last time this sort of thing had happened. Pls dont feel like you're insecure or paranoid, this is how they make you feel to cover up for their bullshit. You're not! if you think there is something wrong, there more than likely is.

Gay40 · 16/09/2011 10:47

I have my phone on silent all the time, as I don't wish to be irritated by the noise. It's generally with me, as I sort out texts etc while sat on the loo (tmi I know).
However, DP could look at it or use it any time she damn wishes, day or night, because there's nowt secret going on.
Trust your instincts. He's up to no good.

sicksick · 16/09/2011 10:48

If a man or a woman becomes protective of their phone , starts taking it to the bathroom and having it on silent in the house then they might as well just take out a full page advert telling you that they are either shagging / trying to shag someone else.

Sorry missus. But seeing as he has previous, you are within your rights to ask him what he is up to. Because you know he is doing something he does not want you to know about.

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 16/09/2011 10:53

I'm sorry Charlie but I went through this with my ex, it has all the classic signs that your DH is up to no good.

My biggest regret was not confronting my ex sooner.

I really hope in your case the confrontation turns out to reveal something other than an affair ... good luck and remember we are all here to hold you hand whatever happens

HauntedLittleLunatic · 16/09/2011 11:02

I think the key here is not that he has it silent or glued to him bit that his behaviour has changed significantly

And yes I have been there too.

For me the lightbulb moment was when I realised that there were one of two problems.

Either
I was unnecessarily questioning everything and that is fundamentally wrong.

Or
I was right to be questioning everything cos there was an inappropriate relationship, and that is fundamentally wrong.

Once I could see that irrespective of the problem there was a non-workable explaination I could see the truth and stop burying my head in the sand.

I agree demand the phone when he is not expecting it. He will either refuse which would be an even bigger alarm bell, or give you it which will provide your evidence.

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 11:03

There is nothing on the phone I guessed his pin there are a few girls on who I don't know.

All texts are deleted, the messenger thing is clear but his settings have changed to not save previous chats so I can't look at who he has been chatting to. I have the same phone and default settings are that it saves chats so they have been changed to not saved.

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catsrus · 16/09/2011 11:03

I think it's the change in behaviour that signals an issue - mine did it too BTW, from forgetting to take it out with him (used to tease him about why did he bother having one) to being glued to it and putting a pin on!

OTOH I think my phone is as private as my mail and my email - I would be shocked at anyone going through any of them, not because I have anything to hide but because the communications are for me, and the person sending the communication might not want anyone else to see it. I think this is partly because my exH was also a big gossip so I knew never to tell him anything a friend may have told me in confidence - I knew things about his friends that it would have horrified them to find out he'd told me.

Bluebelle38 · 16/09/2011 11:04

Yep, looks bad. An ex of mine had an ex of his in his phone under a man's name. He was alwasy cagey with his phone, but one day his phone rang saying 'man's name'. I knew it was dodgy as I knew who his friends were and the number was a shortened name of his brother (the brother never shortened his name and was never known by it).

One day it was charging - and actually on - and when it rang and the shortened name came up, I answered it. It was his ex, errr ummm, err is XXX there? I got my then bf and gave him the phone. I asked him afterwards who it was and sure enough he said his brother.

I said 'er, that was a female voice' and he replied 'no it wasn't'. I had to laugh, even when caught red-handed he tried to get out of it. I told him that in my mid-30s I am more than capable of telling the differnce between a male adn female voice.

God, he really was (imagine still is) an absolute idiot.

Hang in there for your evidence. He will slip up and you will get it. They aren't as smart as they think :) Especially if you are not acting suspicious or as if you are suspecting anything. I had to bide my time, but got my answer.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 16/09/2011 11:06

Or maybe....to avoid him trying to tell you that you are paranoid just ask him to leave with your head held high. When he asks why then you can explain. But by having asked him to leave first (which will obviously take incredible strength and courage from you) you are putting yourself in.control and giving him a hard task to defend a lie of he will genuinely come good.

sicksick · 16/09/2011 11:10

Cleared his phone down as well.

Ah well, you need to trust you instincts on this situation. But i would not let anyone convince you that you are paraniod.

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 11:11

Does anyone know what TringMe is? I've googled but don't understand it.

OP posts:

Bluebelle38 · 16/09/2011 11:12

Tringme looks like a typo for ring me.

sicksick · 16/09/2011 11:14

Tringme = ring me ????

Original poster

CharlieMcGee · 16/09/2011 11:16

No it is a website for a blackberry app.

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