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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dont know what to do :(

18 replies

KimmySparkle · 15/09/2011 23:24

hi all
Ive been with dp 11 years.im 30.1dc together,live together etc.
Things arent great atm ,we get on each others nerves, argue over trivial things ,he has a temper will slam doors, throw things,although he has never hit me he did put his hands around my neck during the heat of an arguement.
We dont have much sex ,hed rather watch tv manage it once/twice a week and when we do its not great,its ok but not wonderful iyswim.
Really doubting whether i can carry on much longer in this relationship ,dp brought a male work collegue home the other week and tbh i cant stop thinking about him..hes separated and is well...nice .
well mannered polite sensitive etc i guess all the things i want dp to be and he never will be.
I just wanted to get that out ,thanks for reading

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/09/2011 23:46

Was your dp ever well-mannered, polite, sensitive, etc? If not, what did you once see in him and why have you stayed with him for 11 years?

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 23:48

Well, frankly your 'd'p sounds like an incredibly nasty guy.

Why did you stay when he put his hands around your throat? An ex once did that to me and I was gone like a shot. We'd only bought a house 6 months earlier but my life is more precious to me than sticking around to wait for another outburst.

You both sound incredibly unhappy. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Would he be open to couples counselling? If not, I'd be getting the hell out of there. You are still young, don't resign yourself to this set-up.

I am not surprised you fancied another man that appeared to be the direct opposite of your husband.

Only you can decide what to do, but in your shoes, I'd be breaking up with him. You are so young and you deserve so much better than what he is offering you.

He sounds like a total bully, btw.

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 23:49

Sorry, partner, not husband!

AnyFucker · 15/09/2011 23:49

putting his hands around your neck is assault

do you realise that ?

Original poster
KimmySparkle · 16/09/2011 00:03

AF i was going to report him to the police for that,but he nastily said if i did social services would be all over me because we have a dc ,i wasnt sure whether they would have taken me seriously as miraculously he hadnt marked me.
bluebelle ive stayed as i wanted things to work and also dc is SEN and was quite difficult when she was younger ,she idolises him bless her.
Also i have no where to go ,family have told me to stay put, that they cant have me back home

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2011 00:10

love, SS would be more likely to be "all over you" if your dc is living in a home where there is domestic violence

so he basically made you STFU by threatening to have your child taken away ?

that doesn't happen, seriously

his threats are empty

if he lays another finger on you, report him to the police

this man is a piece of shit, and a very poor father figure

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 16/09/2011 00:58

Are you buying or renting a property? Is your name on the mortgage/tenancy?

If neither of you are deriving any joy from the relationship, what are the chances of you amicably agreeing to go your separate ways and share care of dd?

Original poster
KimmySparkle · 16/09/2011 09:03

AF ,if he touches me again i wont hesitate to report him next time,that was 2 years ago and hasnt since but you never know do you?

izzy,our house is H/A owned ,my name is not on tenancy ,dont think im eligable for council property as im making my self intentionally homeless if i leave.
Would be eligable for HB for private rental but would have to find rent/deps first ,have asked him to leave in the past he refused point blank saying its
"his" house.

OP posts:
AttillaTheMum · 16/09/2011 10:01

kimmy You can still report it you know. I really think you should

AttillaTheMum · 16/09/2011 10:02

and reporting abuse does not mean you have made yourself homeless. It means you are protecting yourself and your child

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/09/2011 11:18

Kimmy there are a lot of practical as well as emotional issues that are brought up in your posts. It's a lot to handle without feeling overwhelmed.

Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

They can listen to you pour it all out, and give advice / point you to help for all the problems you have highlighted.

Original poster
KimmySparkle · 17/09/2011 23:35

Having a really bad night.
Cant stand dp any longer hes irratating me to hell ,even the sound of his laugh is making me want to punch him.
Cant stop thinking about his friend either ,keep thinking does he like me too?
likelihood of that being nil as his x wife has depression and he is still supporting her,and of course he is a loyal friend.
Going to look for somewhere to live on monday

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 18/09/2011 20:09

You wouldn't be intentionally homeless, you'd be fleeing the risk of violence so you would be eligible for housing. Start keeping a diary (online may be safest) and record incidents when he is behaving aggressively. And definitely call Women's Aid.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/09/2011 20:13

You can't live with someone who "you never know" if he will hit you or try to kill you again.

StarGazerVictoria · 24/09/2011 18:18

Not a happy bunny.guess im too late .he has got a gf now according to dp.Cant say im surprised though .
Wish id said something now.

HerHissyness · 24/09/2011 18:49

Don't be daft OP! (meant nicely!) The LAST thing you need is to go from a deeply dysfunctional relationship into another relationship with someone you don't know. For all you know he's as big an arse as your P! He certainly wasted no time separating and hooking up with someone else... Hmm

anyone meeting MY x would have thought him lovely, adorable etc. he'd have told you how he always supported us, bought me the best etc etc etc. He may have told you I'd been in a mental institute for 5 years. Or just that I'd been depressed.

The truth however is a leetle different to his version. Hmm

What YOU need, my dear, is to sort yourself out first, get out, get somewhere new, and settle. THEN spend some good quality time learning all about YOU and why you would have accepted this level of shite in a relationship, and then work on setting that imbalance right again.

THEN look at a relationship. ONLY then.

StarGazerVictoria · 24/09/2011 19:03

hey hissy...your post makes a lot of sense ..he has been separated a while now 6 months or so i found out dp just didnt tell me...i feel like i wont meet someone whos right for me ...like ill pick another wrongun ..its not often i connect with someone in that way ...ive tried my best to get him out of my head joined college meeting up with friends more etc nothing has worked and ive got a massive lump in my throat..

HerHissyness · 24/09/2011 19:25

You WILL pick another wrongun unless you realise that you are worth more.

Can you get yourself Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or better yet, get yourself onto the freedom programme. Women's Aid can help you with this.

This guy was a catalyst. He'd not be right for you if he'd have started a relationship with you when you are still living with his 'mate'.

This guy showed you how other people are nice. Well you can have NICE too, but you need to get yourself into a place that means you can accept and expect nice.

If someone comes flying in on a white horse now and tries to rescue you, chances are he'd be an abuser too. so you need to fix yourself, then fix your twat radar and then work out what YOU want from a man and what YOU will and will NOT be prepared to accept, then go for it.

Invest this time in yourself. Invest the love, the attention and the care you need into YOU. You are long overdue it! Grin

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