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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to think

20 replies

saxony · 15/09/2011 21:33

About 6 months ago me and my husband of 7 years nearly split due to me finding him chatting to some nameless tarts on a porn site. After a hell of a rough time and a lot of talking etc he swore that would never happen again.
Fast forward to now and I googled his typical user name (yes because I still don't truly trust him)and put "bike" next to it as he has joined a lot of biking forums. It linked me to a thread where he had posted a very normal reasonable biking question but one of the people who answered had a name "6ft blonde on a bike". To which he replied:
6ft Blonde on a Blade! Can you come visit us lot down in South Wales, we've only got hairy bikers. Oh I wish there was profile pictures now ;-)

He also said he was intrigued enough from her name to fully join the forum site. He then chatted to her for a few mins, mainly about biking but i am so pissed off.My heart is almost beating out of my chest. He is on opposite settee to me and I am trying not to start having a melt down.

Please advise me - i can't go through what I went through 6 months ago but to be honest the trust has been a huge problem for me since then and now this. Am in pieces right now....

OP posts:

Spellcheck · 15/09/2011 21:41

That's a tricky one. IME trust once lost is incredibly hard to get back so I would have done exactly the same as you, and felt the same way.

Just say he hadn't been chatting to the internet tarts. Would you feel the same about this or written it off as nothing?

Trust is such a major part of a relationship, you should confess you've been checking up on him and see what he says, probably best not to be sneaking about for too long otherwise you'll destroy yourself (Been there! You always find what you're looking for!). Tell him calmly what you found, and ask him to explain. He should be doing his best to regain your trust and prove that you are The One, not making moves, however small, to carry on as he was before.

However, it may all be innocent, bike-related nonsense. But he needs to be honest with you and see how you might view it in light of his previous misbehaviour. Good luck!

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 21:44

Hmmm, 6ft blonde on a bike could be a bloke!

Sounds like he hasn't changed his spots. Looks like he was definitely flirting, well trying to.

If you don't trust him, why be with him? How can you live like this? You will never be able to relax.

I feel so bad for you, but you don't have to live like this. It will hurt to leave but what is the option? Keep checking his emails/phone?

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 21:49

Thank you for your reply...
He was amazing when it all came out, at first, changed loads for the better and I wouldn't be afraid to tell him I had been snooping. He should not put that sort of content on the net in full view, especially as his user name is known to me. He would not have wanted me to see what he had written though, that is for sure as he knows that is over the line. He would react the same if I had written that.

To answer your question, I would not have liked this before the previous incidence. We (as far as i knew) were not that type of couple - to flirt etc, and he has never flirted in RL in front of me. I think he gets a bit cocky online as he isnt the most confident person about his looks. I dont think he could resist commenting on her name.

But what happens when I confront him.....he will say sorry and all those other things again but I will most definately not believe him this time. So now what?

I have lost the feeling of knowing if I am being OTT on this or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 21:52

Thanks for the reply Bluebell
But after being with him for 17 years, and completely feeling like we were not like that as a couple, I just feel that it must be every man. Every man must dabble a bit as it makes me feel like that if he has done it then bloody hell everyone must be at it. As you can tell i am quite inexperienced with men - he being my only long term partner and now husband.
I agree i think he was flirting.
I also agree that I dont trust him online - I wouldnt say I dont trust him in RL - does that make sense even? I think he has a bit more confidence behind the screen iyswim?

OP posts:

Doha · 15/09/2011 21:55

Unfortunatly OP it doesn't take long for that confidence to spill over into real life.

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 21:57

True.
So tempted to set up a faux account up on that forum.....

But do I know the answer without doing that?

OP posts:

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 21:58

After the internet chatting, he really should be able to control himself. Knowing how much he hurt you before, you'd think he'd not continue with his ego boosts.

God only knows how many men use the internet to boost their egos. The bottom line is this has hurt you and it shouldn't have happened.

Are you going to say anything or let it slide? The problem is '6ft blonde on a bike' or whatever could have started flirting back and sent a pic and then what? What may start out as totally harmless banter can very quickly change.

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 22:01

Well, you could be 6ft model on a moped!!!!

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 22:02

Never thought of that Bluebelle.....oh bloody hell.
I am just so mad. I never flirt online or in RL. I just wouldn't want to plus out of respect.
I really don't know what to do now, I feel so upset.

He is so loving in RL, caring, protective and he had changed so much since the last time, so I thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 22:02

Ha yeah I may try that.

OP posts:

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 22:06

Try and relax, it's understandable you are hurt.

I wouldn't flirt online if I was in a relationship either.

God, he really has been a dick. By all means set up an account if you want to catch him out and have proof. I really feel for you.

I was found an ex on a dating site - he tried to lie his way out of it but there was no going back as the trust was gone. We'd only been going out 8 months not 17 years so it was a lot easier for me to just walk away.

Still, if it turns out he he starts flirting then I suppose you know that you will never trust him.

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 22:07

Sorry, once found... not was found

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 22:10

I must say i hate the internet in so many ways. If men had to walk into a shop and actually buy a porn mag, then there wouldnt be much of that going on!! It so faceless and i hate how much hurt it causes - how many threads originate from a wife/girlfriend finding their other half out on the web.

OP posts:

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 22:12

I think that if he did start actually flirting back with me over a a few days or I could see how far I could take him then I know it would be over. At the moment I think he would say oh that was just a bit of banter, it didnt mean anything.

OP posts:

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 22:17

So are you OK to believe that it was just a bit of banter? I agree he will say that if you ask him.

I totally understand you not wanting to open up a can of worms here, but can you really be bothered checking every forum he goes on/emails etc for another 5 years?

wannaBe · 15/09/2011 22:23

op if you feel you need to catch him out then you need to take a step bak and evaluate.

You've had your trust dented and it takes time to rebuild that. But do you really want to spend the rest of your life snooping to see whether or not your dh is at it again?

The need to know is understandable, but equally snooping can be very destructive, especially if your dh genuinely does regret what happened before and this is just innocent flerting (and tbh in other circs I would personally think nothing of it).

If you don't feel you can trust him then maybe it's time to think about where you see the relationship going from here on in.

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 22:39

I agree that it is distructive and I hate doing it. But I can't help thinking that I never used to do it but then look what happened. Is that just real life and you have to deal with it? It's hard.

No I dont think that a bit of banter is acceptable "under the circumstances".

I will have to approach him over this.....I can't ignore it.

Thanks guys

OP posts:

Bluebelle38 · 15/09/2011 22:42

OK hon, just keep in mind you will be OK whatever happens.

Hope it all goes OK for you :)

Original poster

saxony · 15/09/2011 22:43

Mumsnet can be so lovely..... people to talk to who have their heads screwed on, no matter what time of the day it is. And sometimes you just can't talk to people in RL the same can you

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 15/09/2011 22:47

Hey he is not on a dating site, it doesn't really mean anything, and you don't really know his online persona. I'd say he was being friendly, a bit flirty yes, but it wasn't bad. I think because of what has gone on before you are over thinking things.

Tell him hey I googled your online name and found you on here, upset me because of before.

Talk to him, don't keep things to yourself, don't sit their festering you will end up feeling really bad and you haven't done anything wrong.

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