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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you deal with a sexless marriage?

65 replies

Ladylou83 · 15/09/2011 13:21

DH and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs, we had DD 15m ago. In the early days we had a healthy sexual relationship. In getting pregnant with DD we sadly MC twice. When we found out we were PG a 3rd time we decided not to risk anything and said we would wait before having sex again till our 12 week scan was done, which in turn turned into our 20 week scan and our 32 week scan. We DTD the night before she arrived, and have had sex twice since she arrived.

I want to have Sex with him, but he is so uninterested. I've Lost all my baby weight and more, I try to look nice for him, I try to spice things up, etc etc etc etc Lord knows Ive tried, even doing things, sending him things like we use to when were newly together.

I feel like its starting to really effect my confidence. I've tried talking to him but he changes the subject. I dont know what to do or how to cope. I know of the grandscheme of things its small fry, but how do you spend the rest of your life with someone who wont even kiss me....

OP posts:

SnakeOnCrack · 15/09/2011 13:24

You need to sit him down and talk about it and not let him change the subject, it needs to be addressed as it's making you unhappy.

tooshorttonotice · 15/09/2011 13:37

Is he "happy" with the situation? Is there a problem down there (impotence) that he is too embarrassed to talk about? You have to talk about it but be kind and gentle with him. It has affected your confidence, maybe he is lacking confidence and lets face it it will be harder (or not IFYSWIM) for him to overcome that

Original poster

Ladylou83 · 15/09/2011 13:58

He said he had an issue with barrier protection, so Ive gone back onto oral contraception, which I hoped would make a difference but 3 months on still nothing. I've tried talking with him about maybe him having a problem, but he swears blind he doesnt. I dont want to push it any further because if there is a problem that he isnt being honest about I could make it worse.

He does seem happy with how things are. The bitter part of me thinks of course he is happy, he has his little wife who brings in the money, looks after his baby, cooks his dinner, keeps his house tidy etc. But he genuinly does seem happy.

2 weeks before our wedding rumours came out at work (we both work at the same place) that he was cheating with one of the younger girls. I trusted him when he said there was nothing, but these days the silly person in me keeps thinking 'well if he isnt getting it from me, where is he getting it from'. Yet the rationale part of me thinks he isnt the cheating type, he isnt very good at telling lies, I most of the time see right through them.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/09/2011 21:02

ladylou you really do need to talk to him about this again. Is he affectionate in other ways. Do you spend time together as a couple. The rumours would worry me tbh as I do believe there is no smoke without fire. Is he the flirty type. Why would rumours like that start. Also, make sure he is pulling his weight with housework and childcare as this can cause a real rift between couples and possibly mask other underlying issues.

cecilyparsley · 15/09/2011 21:09

Ladylou, does he acknowledge that it's unfair to expect you to be celibate when you dont want to be.
(Personally I'd be suggesting an open marriage...I realise thats a totally unhelpful suggestion!)

Ratata · 15/09/2011 21:46

"he isnt very good at telling lies, I most of the time see right through them"

What lies has he told you? It's not a great sign if he has lied to you before.

maleview70 · 15/09/2011 21:56

I know someone who split from his wife for this reason. He has since told me that he just couldn't separate the wife from the mother. He viewed his wife as the mother of his child. He also did not like the birth and struggled from that point on. The sexless marriage last 2 more years then ended as he just couldn't change despite it meaning the end.

Might be an explanation.

cecilyparsley · 15/09/2011 22:02

Maleview, I've heard of that happening and I did wonder if it might be the case here.
Very tricky for everyone involved!

goodasgold · 15/09/2011 22:19

Maleview70 whats the point then? Why should we try to have families?

maleview70 · 15/09/2011 22:46

I didn't say he was right. I would say this affects a small percentage of men. He wished it hadn't of happened this way and hates that it was he who caused the relationship to end but he said he just didn't fancy her any more and however much he wanted it to work it just didn't. He went to relate and everything but it didn't work.

Original poster

Ladylou83 · 16/09/2011 17:29

He has told lies before sadly. He hid our financial situtation from me. He set up an account and borrowed money on it so that he could make investments, unfortunatly it didnt work and ended up him owing a few k, the truth finally came out when I was 6months pg. When I was in hospital with Hypremesis he illieagally downloaded hard porn. When I was 7months pg, he received a letter fineing him for illeagal downloads on the porno, he wouldnt own up to it, but the dates and times pinpoint him. He tells lies about where he has been, he tells me he goes for a drink after work, yet his boss says they didnt go out, then his boss tells me all of a sudden (once he has realised that he has landed DH in it) that they did go out. Even today he has told a lie. DD goes to my parents on a thursday night for a long weekend if both and DH and I are on shift. This morning as I was leaving for work he tells me he has the day off. His boss later told me that he knew about it yesterday tea time, so in theory (and practice) there was no need for our DD to go to my folks till 2moro. I asked him why he he lied, and he said he needed time to himself. Ok I accept that we all need time to our self, but he had all yesterday afternoon to himself, went out drinking for a 2nd night in a row (and he is off out tonight too), yet when do I get time to myself???

Sorry to ramble......

A month ago he left me after an argument for nearly 2 weeks, he wasnt sure he loved me anymore. Yet after a week he said that he had started to miss me and that he knew he still loved me (jolly decent of him?!?). He swears there was nobody else, that he just needed time to be him. I dont know why the rumours started at work, in my eyes he was just friends with her, just as I have male friends, so I saw the benefit of the doubt. But in hindsight, I agree, these things dont just get said for no reason. He has quite a flirty nature, I know his because its what got us together in the first place. I told him off at work, and he came back with some quip that hooked me.

Open marriage has been suggested by one of my RL friends too. Im not sure, kinda feel it defeats the object of marriage, although I do respect its down to the indivdual.

When he is there for DD is quite good, but as can be seen from his actions today he isn't very willing to be responsible for her, instead putting himself first. Ive asked him, I even begged him this morning to try looking beyond his own needs and consider mine and DD's, and he says he does, but I see nothing that suggests he does. His responsibilities around the house consist of washing up occasionally and bathing DD sometimes, the rest is mine to do. If I leave stuff it does not get done.

I keep attempting to talk with him about how I feel, how he feels and the situation as a whole but I think he thinks, Im just a boring nag. This morning, he just sat playing on his phone watching tv. I asked him to stop but he carried on as didnt see and issue.

I feel desperate and yet very trapped at the moment

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 16/09/2011 17:42

Ladylou I am sorry to say that it sounds to me as if you have no real reason to stay with this man. His behaviour towards you is disrespectful and in fact downright rude. What is it that makes you feel trapped?

babyhammock · 16/09/2011 17:45

He lies alot, he doesn't help even though you are both working, he makes you feel unwanted, he thinks childcare is all your responsibility, he doesn't look after you, AND he's rubbish in the sack.... What are you getting from this relationship?

You say you think he's not the cheating type, hmmm. You're not the cheating type, he on the otherhand???? xx

shesgotherlipstickon · 16/09/2011 18:17

He just waltzed off for a few weeks to find himself. There is an OW.

HereIGo · 16/09/2011 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldwomaninashoe · 16/09/2011 18:39

Aargh! He sounds just like my exH, I don't know why he married me because, he appeared, once we lived together, neither to like me very much, or to care for me.
I began to feel like the most hideous woman on the planet as he would not have sex with me but would look at lads mags and tell me what he would like to do to the womwn in the pictures!
His behaviour was very similar to that of the OP's
I felt terribly hurt and unloved, and after much soul searching I suggested he went.
He didn't need much persuading as he really didn't want to be with me.

I would, OP, ask him if he really wants to be with you and your little one, and ask him to reply honestly, if he says yes, he has to change, if he says no show him the door.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/09/2011 19:06

You don't really. You kindly extract yourself. For both sakes.

Original poster

Ladylou83 · 16/09/2011 22:29

I feel trapped in the sense that I love him. I dont want our marriage to fail. Im not ready to walk away. But at the same time I know things cant continue like this. Its like talking to a brick wall with him so I dont know how I can make things better. Even if I can make things better or if I need to accept this horrible reality and hope that somehow he cottons on and changes :-(

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 16/09/2011 22:31

It takes two. If he's not willing to make any changes or meet you halfway, then you haven't a hope. Sorry.

rightchoice · 16/09/2011 22:49

Try not to see it as failure - maybe it is time to accept for him it has ended. Relationships should enhance your life not cause misery. Ask yourself what your options are from here on in. You have choices too and a big say in what you do next. He is probably not prepared to talk because its easier to demonstrate his feelings with all his negative stuff. Sounds to me that his actions are speaking much louder than words could anyway. Seems to me like it's time for you to start thinking more about what you want, you love him, but do you like him??? Stay focused on what your options are here. Good Luck.

Nippysnippy · 17/09/2011 10:03

Personally I would seek a break from him in terms of a temporary separation. He just isn't taking on board how serious the situation is. Nag is a term given to a person who talks a lot but doesn't follow through. I'm a big believer in actions speaking louder than words. You tell someone once and then you act. He then learns to respect you. I think it would be most helpful if you alerted him in no uncertain terms that he isn't up to standard and he has got ground to make up with you. Whatever way it goes you will find out whether he genuinely cares or is using you.
He may well be trying to remove himself from the marriage by creating an intolerable situation so you have to act and he's not the 'bad' guy. That's quite a popular tactic I believe.
He may well be sat in the marriage biding time so you sort out his financial mess.
To be frank these issues aside there will,in all likeliness, be another woman he is either involved with already or is sizing up.
I wish you well.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2011 10:29

if I can make things better or if I need to accept this horrible reality

Lou you really need to accept the reality. I agree with Nippy. If you don't change anything, nothing will change. Don't nag him anymore. You have said how you feel. He has shown that he doesn't care about that. Now you should make plans to separate. His reaction to that will help you determine where you go next.

lostinafrica · 17/09/2011 10:33

"Relationships should enhance your life not cause misery."

I would expect them to do a bit of both. This sounds like we only enter relationships for our own benefit, but surely we have to think of our partners at some point....?!

Anyway, to the point in hand. I have a crazy, ridiculous, far out suggestion. He needs to see you as woman not mother, right? So flirt with him - anonymously. Get a new phone number and send texts. Get a present sent to him at work. Do things that should make him think, "Ah, this is how things used to be with my DW."

It'd be scary, because you'd be waiting to see how far he goes with this new woman, but it'd probably be scary for him too, realising he's tempted. When he realises it's you - relief. And sex!

Nah, maybe not. Sounds like some convoluted Shakespeare plot. Might even backfire spectacularly.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2011 10:49

lost with respect, I think that is a really bad idea.

The issue is not that he needs to see you as woman not mother it's that he is treating the OP in an appalling mannor.

What do you think of her statement: I keep attempting to talk with him about how I feel, how he feels and the situation as a whole but I think he thinks, Im just a boring nag. This morning, he just sat playing on his phone watching tv. I asked him to stop but he carried on as didnt see and issue

Also, sorry, but I cannot understand how we should expect misery in a relationship when we have to think of our partners at some point?

Nippysnippy · 17/09/2011 10:52

lostinafrica that was stunningly, er, BONKERS.
It might well show O.P that Dh is capable of shifty underhand behaviour- but I think he has evidenced himself fairly well in this respect.
Why waste any more time and energy on someone who doesn't give two hoots?
When people say love in these threads I read fear and dependence.

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