Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with a sexless marriage?

65 replies

Ladylou83 · 15/09/2011 13:21

DH and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs, we had DD 15m ago. In the early days we had a healthy sexual relationship. In getting pregnant with DD we sadly MC twice. When we found out we were PG a 3rd time we decided not to risk anything and said we would wait before having sex again till our 12 week scan was done, which in turn turned into our 20 week scan and our 32 week scan. We DTD the night before she arrived, and have had sex twice since she arrived.

I want to have Sex with him, but he is so uninterested. I've Lost all my baby weight and more, I try to look nice for him, I try to spice things up, etc etc etc etc Lord knows Ive tried, even doing things, sending him things like we use to when were newly together.

I feel like its starting to really effect my confidence. I've tried talking to him but he changes the subject. I dont know what to do or how to cope. I know of the grandscheme of things its small fry, but how do you spend the rest of your life with someone who wont even kiss me....

OP posts:
Nippysnippy · 17/09/2011 11:00

I don't believe relationships should be such hard work that they are described as a living misery.
Talk is cheap. Just because someone tells you they love you doesn't mean squat. Look at how they treat you and then determine whether they love you. Then choose to love them if they are worthy. Love is not something we have no control over. The princecess stuff has to stop.

Nippysnippy · 17/09/2011 11:01

Princess, even....

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 11:09

Looking after your partners needs shouldn't make you miserable. WTF?!

OP - this guy is cheating on you

He also lies to you and steals from you and your daughter.

It's not just sex - he doesn't even kiss you.

Don't you want more children?

How are you going to have them in a sexless marriage?

How could you bring them into a home like this? Full of lies, disrespect, unhappiness?

You need to leave him. He doesn't love you.

lostinafrica · 17/09/2011 13:34

Yeah, I did admit the plan was bonkers. I also thought the OP might have nothing to lose. She doesn't want to leave. I offered an alternative. She's an adult; she can reject it. I promise I won't be offended!

Sometimes I find my own company makes me miserable. Life's like that. I don't see why it's such a surprise that he's making her miserable. It shows there's a problem and that needs sorting out. She's doing her best to sort it out, but he's not responding. She could keep on trying, or she could give up. Either way, she's not going to find instant happiness. Hmm

lostinafrica · 17/09/2011 13:52

"choose to love them if they are worthy"?! Shock

I'm so glad DH doesn't think like that. He would have left me years ago, at any time when I had babies and paid scant attention to him... Nobody's perfect. Whatever happened to unconditional love? Is it just too difficult?

Nippysnippy · 17/09/2011 14:42

Worthy is not perfection. It's about how you are generally treated. Too many people think that they have no choice in relationships because of 'love'. The O.P. would be wise to draw up in her mind was she finds tolerable and intolerable and treat herself with more 'love'.
If you wouldn't dream of treating your partner in the way they are treating you then, it's not good enough for you.
On balance, from what the O.P. is saying, her partner is bringing more bad than good to this relationship on many fundamental levels.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2011 16:51

Any man who would leave you because you are paying more attention to his baby than him Shock, is not worth hanging on to imo. Babies take up lots of time and attention and if you are going to produce one, you should both be prepared to put the baby's needs first.

Original poster
Ladylou83 · 17/09/2011 20:41

Thanks for your comments and thoughts ladies, I appreiate them, even if its becoming horribly obvious as to what I have to do :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladylou83 · 18/09/2011 10:42

Finally this morning he tells me he cares but doesn't love me. Bastard

OP posts:
buzzskillington · 18/09/2011 10:43

You need to end it then.

Fairenuff · 18/09/2011 12:10

Oh Lou how Sad. He has treated you so terribly and didn't even have the balls to tell you how he felt until you dragged it out of him. Cares for you? No, my lovely, he doesn't. I'm so sorry. But you have wonderful, loved, much longed for dd who you can build a life with. Take him at his word. See a solicitor and make plans. We will help you stay strong. Keep posting.

Original poster
Ladylou83 · 19/09/2011 13:59

He has gone. What do I do now

OP posts:
ducati · 19/09/2011 14:23

I am so sorry. You must be in total state of shock. But if you had gone on and on feeling miserable, losing confidence etc you would have ended up in an even worse state, maybe even a breakdown, I am sure. Do you have someone who can come round? don't make any big decisions, but deciding on things like when he sees dd in meantime might be good, so you can organise your life a little bit. When something similar happened to me two years ago I just drifted along in state of shock for a long time and drank too much. I do not recommmend this strategy

buzzskillington · 19/09/2011 15:24

I'm sorry. Get a friend or family member round and be kind to yourself.

Then see a solicitor and make sure you and your dc are protected.

TLD2 · 19/09/2011 15:45

Sorry to hear he's such a shit.

Try to think positive. Remember that you've been effectively a single parent all this time, anyway. The only difference now is you'll have more space in the bathroom cabinet.

He gave you nothing so you are losing nothing. Harsh but try to see it that way.

Fairenuff · 19/09/2011 16:46

I'm not sorry, Lou, I think this is going to be good for you and you have had lucky escape. Did you ask him to leave, or did he just go? Either way, it will be better for you in the long run. He has knocked your confidence but remember you have been doing most of it on your own anyway. You are strong and have lots of support here. Get thee to a solicitor x

Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 17:36

I hope you are doing O.K.
I think whilst you are in a state of shock let the practical issues to be dealt with become your first concern.
Visit some friends and get away from it for a couple of days.
I know you will be hurting but better now than further on down the line.
You will feel yourself again soon.

oldwomaninashoe · 19/09/2011 17:48

Thinking of you, I had the feeling reading your OP that he was trying to push you away. You must be hurting now but lean on your family and friends, and try as much as possible to look forward, as your life with eventually improve xx

Good Luck

lostinafrica · 20/09/2011 10:21

What an idiot he is. Good luck, lou.

Original poster
Ladylou83 · 21/09/2011 21:01

Well... Ive contacted our Debt Managment company to try and seperate the debts, I have got myself my own bank account, sorted out the tax credits and seen a solicitor who pretty much told me it was too soon to do anything, and wants to see me again in november when I will get legal aid.

Im in a dilema over the house. He is back here at the moment as he wants the house. I was initially quite happy to walk away from the house and let him have it, its the marital home, I dont really want to be here if there is no marriage. A friend of mine in my home town has offered me her other house to rent if I want it. I went to see it with my sister tonight, she was planning to move in with me, but seems to be doing a u-turn now. I dont know what to do now, I dont know if I should fight for the house even though I know it will stretch me financially and I dont think the mortgage company will support him coming off the mortgage of to make a clean break and leave the house. Unfortunatly because we brought in the peak, and the market is pants, there isnt really any profit in selling it, if anything we would possibly lose. The other option is we try to change our mortgage for a buy to let mortgage, and let the house till the market improves....So confused....

The above aside...Im feeling so so so sad at the moment and I cant stop crying, I went to the bank I cried, the solicitors I cried, everywhere I cry, I keep crying infront of DD, her behaviour is off at the mo, I feel like im falling apart. I see no hope, im in a dark place...... I dont know what to do

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 21/09/2011 21:17

You are doing all the right things my lovely. Don't expect too much from yourself just now. I am guessing that the solicitor suggested you wait because that's how long it takes to secure legal aid?

I don't know enough about the legal side to advise re the house. I would suggest that you don't make any decision until it has been checked with the solicitor. Also, don't know if you can make him leave. Sorry. Not much help I know but others will be along soon.

It must be extremely difficult living with him still though. Don't do his laundry or provide meals. Let him get an idea of what it will be like without you. His loss.

It's ok to cry, no point in trying to hold it all in. Keep posting x

barkwithnobite · 21/09/2011 21:28

So sorry to hear this. As I read the thread, I was thinking 'this man is going to up and leave soon'. Men can be so bloody gutless. You'll be better off without him. These things have a way of sorting themselves out. My friend's DH did the same - she later found he was having an affair....she was devastated, but is now so much happier and brighter. It will be well Hun. X

Nippysnippy · 21/09/2011 21:33

I think you are an amazing woman. You couldn't be dealing with this any better. You have already achieved so much.
I would wait until your legal aid comes through and be advised by the solicitor with respect to the house. Just put that out of your mind for now.
You are in grief over the loss of your relationship. Surround yourself with people who love you and if it is at all possible stay away as much as possible to get a break.
Do nothing for him.
There is no shame in tears. People understand. You can feel incredibly proud of the way you are coping. X

carernotasaint · 21/09/2011 23:35

Just caught this thread. Ladylou you are better off without him. You are a brave strong women who deserves so much better. You have your lovely dd and i agree with the poster who said dont do his washing or cook for him. Please take care of yourself.

Original poster
Ladylou83 · 23/09/2011 21:10

Still feeling very much like Im in a dark place. He is still here, he is off 2moro and doesnt want DD as he is going out drinking and watching rugby.

I did have 1 thought today, is the grounds for divorce? Does is behaviour and actions count as unreasonable grounds?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread