How do you deal with a sexless marriage?

[Ladylou83]

DH and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs, we had DD 15m ago. In the early days we had a healthy sexual relationship. In getting pregnant with DD we sadly MC twice. When we found out we were PG a 3rd time we decided not to risk anything and said we would wait before having sex again till our 12 week scan was done, which in turn turned into our 20 week scan and our 32 week scan. We DTD the night before she arrived, and have had sex twice since she arrived.

I want to have Sex with him, but he is so uninterested. I've Lost all my baby weight and more, I try to look nice for him, I try to spice things up, etc etc etc etc Lord knows Ive tried, even doing things, sending him things like we use to when were newly together.

I feel like its starting to really effect my confidence. I've tried talking to him but he changes the subject. I dont know what to do or how to cope. I know of the grandscheme of things its small fry, but how do you spend the rest of your life with someone who wont even kiss me....

Hi Lou I am sure behaviour counts but don't know the ins and outs of it.

I am bumping this for you but maybe you should start a new thread to get the support and advice you need. Keep posting because there are loads of lovely ladies here who have been there, done it and come out smiling. x

Why is he still there? He can't have his cake n eat it. Do wat u can to find out if he's cheated. That would give u a great reason for divorce.

Nailed the bastard! Just found him on a dating website. He has been a member for sometime. Do I let on that I know his dirty little secret or use it as a trump card?

poor you. sorry to hear

Everything he has done is sufficient to file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, I'd say.
Not a massive surprise that he's cheating is it :( I'm sorry for the hurt it has caused you though.
If he's going to be a cunt and refuse to move out, plus you have no equity in the house, I'd cut my losses and move into rental. Check out what you can afford in your area, check out any LHA you might be entitled to and get out. Remember many women have had sofa beds in the living room and lived quite comfortably with their DCs away from horrible men - it's better than overstretching yourself on rent. But do the calculations first.
Once you are out of the home and it's not the DCs' primary home I think you can force a sale so you don't have the responsibility of a mortgage with your name on it.
Best of luck xxx

Don't let him know just yet Lou. Keep digging, see what else you can find. I think if you have evidence of infidelity then the divorce will be easier. That's just my opinion, I know nothing of the legals but it makes sense. Also, get copies of bank statements and see what he's been spending money on. Have you told anyone in RL yet. I think you need support from friends and family. Anger may help you stay strong, and we are always here for you too.

I have people around me in RL who are trying to be supportive, but they know us both so there is only so much they can do. My family have been a godsend, but they all work so they can only be around at certain times. Strangely I feel ok today, I have an answer, wasnt great finding out how I have, but its better knowing the truth

OMG are you me???

Yes it's much better knowing the truth. You'll be able to see this now as part of the bigger pattern that was formed - the porn use, the lying, the undoubtedly correct rumours about someone else before you were married. Hopefully you'll also see that this has got nothing to do with motherhood, or you at all in fact. He's just a lying wanker and always was. Proof like this sets you free and always does.

Sorry, my comment was of absolutely no use whatsoever. In a way, I'm glad he's gone. You can now move on. For him to have stayed and for things to have stayed the way they were would just have been terrible, and no example for your DD. She needs positive role models around her and he just isn't suitable.

I hope you get the legal aid you need and the courts support you keeping the house. When my mum's friend got divorced she kept the house with her ex-DH continuing to pay the mortgage until the youngest daughter left full time education! At that point she hopes to be in a position to buy her own little place, but for now she's secure in the knowledge that her DDs remain in the family home.

I hadn't even thought about making him pay the mortgage. I'll have to research that one. I've just shut the door to him for hopefully the last time as he has collected his toothbrush. His brother brought him over. Bil and I had a good talk about him, I think its safe to say that I have him on my side along with the rest of his family. They are fuming and agree he is looseing the plot.

Well done Lou you are doing really well. How long is he gone for?

I dont know, hopefully till after Ive moved out. He text today finally asking if he could see DD, had the nerve to put a 'xx' on the end...wtf? Ok I know its only a small thing really, but he obviously thinks he can soften me up, unfortunatly for him i see through he stupid mind games (i.e. keeping the house and not divorcing incase we get back together).

Started to notice today that DD is saying daddy less, which selfishly is great for me as it makes me cry, but very sad also because he should be there for her.

Ive been signed off work for another 2 weeks by my gp. News is clearly around work as ive had messages from people. I know its ages away, but I fear going back to work, he will be there, I will be there and people will have a field day watching. Its silly, it really shouldnt be on my mind, I should be focused entirely on DD and functioning for here, but I know he is there telling people what he wants them to beleive, and just causing shit for me. Would truely love to write on FB, 'my DH is a cheating B%%tard', however trying to remain the better person here and not drag myself down by getting caught up in the emotion. Its all completely stupid, but just needed to get my fear of my chest.

Should I have stopped crying by now?

How are you doing Lou? If you can possibly stay in the house I think you should do that until you hear from your solicitor. It seems a long time to wait until November but if you have to then try to stay put til then. You may be able to keep the house until your DD is 18.

The work issue is a problem, I can see that. Do you have to go back? You can keep getting signed off but the money will be less. Is there any other place you could work instead?

I think you're right to stay away from FB and be the better person here. You have done nothing wrong and can hold your head up high. The truth has a way of coming out in the end.

Sadly I cant leave my job for another, there are no other jobs that pay like mine does in the area, and trying to stay within my industry would mean a big move :(

Well since i last posted things have become much clearer, and unknown to the cheating scum I have gained more knowledge!!! Not only has he been using the internet dating sites, but the girl he was accused of cheating with just before the wedding is infact the girl he has been screwing for sometime. They were seen together by several friends, and its become common knowledge at work that they are going on a dirty weekend together. She has left her partner. Fortunatly for her she has handed her notice in, and so now our paths shouldnt cross when I return to work on friday.

I remember looking at his company mobile once and seeing her name in his contacts, which I thought was strange because all his other contacts were business, and he brushed it off. The receipts that I found for bill bars, that he said 'was him and his boss', also now make sense. Everything is falling into place, and he has NO idea that I know its her. Oh the power I now have!!!

Im not going to stay in the house, but he wont be keeping it either. Ive found another solicitor who is prepared to take me on now, and she is going to petition the divorce on grounds of adultery, and will help me push for a sale on the house. There is no way on hell on earth that he is going to benefit from this. Even if they havent slept together yet (VERY Unlikely), if he sleeps with her before the divorce is complete it counts as adultery. He is stuffed!

Sadly Im noticing real effects on DD, she is very clingy, unsettled, and generally not herself. I respect it could be a number of things causing the changes, but I do think its all linked. Just trying to keep her in her routine and as normal as possible. He has had 3hrs contact with her in nearly a month so no chance of him winning father of the year award anytime soon.

I still feel like Im falling apart, and wish I had listened to the rumors and looked at it fully before we got married, but then I wouldnt have DD. I just feel everything I do, feel, see reminds me of him and the happy times, and I now know they were all false and meant nothing, just part of his lies. What in the last 4 1/2 years has been real, other than DD? I need to start coping, but I just cant :(