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Original poster

How do you make a decision about a relationship?

11 replies

NessCathy · 12/09/2011 14:40

I've got a decision to make, but rather than sharing the details, (I'm not confident I could write the predicament in such a way that wouldn't bias your opinions) I wondered if I could ask how you make decisions when it comes to relationships? What are your key principles? Do you go with head or heart?

(PS, I realise this might sound like I'm a journalist trying to get an article written, please believe me, I'm not)

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 12/09/2011 14:55

I'm in the process of ending a relationship, I feel I've made the decision with my heart and head, both in balance. I've weighted up the pros and cons, thought about the future, compatibility, and the chances of it's survival.

If all of these things don't 'add' up, and I feel uncomfortable, the relationship ends. Which is happening right now, upsetting but right.

Good luck

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 14:57

I know that in the future, any prospective new relationship is going to be displayed to the MN Relationships board to see if it passes muster! Wink

A thousand twat radars will be able to set me right if mine goes wrong.

Original poster
NessCathy · 12/09/2011 15:10

It's a horrible feeling. I'm having to decide to end something that is good, but has its problems, and to decide whether we're losing something special or not. Terrible because if we split, I know I'll miss him

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 12/09/2011 15:15

If you want an honest opinion, details always help. Not easy, but tell it as it is. You may find that once it's down in print you'll know the answers yourself.

Original poster
NessCathy · 12/09/2011 15:46

I'm worried if I right it down, it will sound like we should split, but I have a theory that once you think about splitting, you will. If you can't picture being together forever, you might as well not bother.

However, I don't know if that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, or whether that actually is the best thing to do or not.

My story is newish relationship, and partner's been slow to make the next step and show more commitment. The classic response is he's probably not that into you. He says there are practical issues. We're both thinking (almost joint decision) whether to keep it together or split

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 12/09/2011 15:50

I think if you know then you have to act on it. Have confidence in your 'inner voice', more often than not, it's right.

Don't waste time on thing that doesn't feel right, or is mega work in the beginning because it is likely that it won't work in the future. It's a hard decision though, but it will feel right.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/09/2011 16:17

If its a newish relationship, it would be unreasonable to expect that you'll be getting engaged or moving in together until you are thoroughly sure of what you feel for each other.

What is this 'more commitment' you think he should be showing, and what are the practical issues that he's citing as a reason why he cannot or does not show 'more commitment'?

Original poster
NessCathy · 12/09/2011 16:51

Ok, I said I wouldn't, but it's about 12 months in, and for me, it's about living together. We live about 30 miles apart, so we tend to see each other at weekends, and maybe one night per week. He is worried about living far from his work, etc, but I would like to become a "proper" couple

OP posts:
Berries · 12/09/2011 18:59

For me, personally, that does sound like a big commitment for a fairly new relationship. I have a 30 mile commute to work and it's not uncommon to spend hour and half if there's problems on the motorway.

Having said that, it sounds like you need to have a serious talk about 'timescales and expectations'. Can he see moving in together some time in the future, in which case it's a timing thing, or does he not want that type of relationship (fwiw I believe you can have a serious committed relationship without living together, but I'm 48 and I think that does have some bearing)

TheOriginalFAB · 12/09/2011 20:03

If it helps I will tell you about DH and I. When we met it would take him 2.5 hours door to door and we only saw each other at weekends and one night some weeks. After 22 months he moved in with me as his new job was nearer my flat than his. After being together nearly 2 1/2 years we moved in to a house together and got married just over a year later. When we moved into the house he had planned to live there alone and then "send for me if he missed me." Shock. I said no, now or not until we married iirc. We moved together Grin.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 13/09/2011 15:58

I like the idea of the Smile:Frown ratio as a way of evaluating a relationship. If this is >1 you are ahead and it's a good'un. If it is

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