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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want do these examples comments/statements/actions tell me about DH

25 replies

OurLittleSecret · 12/09/2011 13:13

No 1 ) While pg with complications - I was getting a bit cheesed with consultant appts and their general over-bearing-ness. Asked DH to go with me his response was: I dont have time (he is self employed), dont go, its not like your going to die.

No 2) After a home birth (same pg) I got taken in due to complications - he said he would follow on in half an hour (again work related) - he followed on 3 hours later - I had nothing with me etc as no one picked up my bag cause shouldnt have needed it.

No 3 ) Related to abused suffered as a child - which dh knows about. Feeling bad about it so was gonna speak to the GP. Asked DH what he thought - shocking and bizarre response of "will we get a payout?"!!!!!

Dont know what to think - about these classic examples - I love the guy but he hurts me so much - so often - and about such significant things.

OP posts:
BluMoon · 12/09/2011 13:14

It doesn't sound like he cares much for you Sad

Is he self absorbed in other ways too?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 13:15

Lack of empathy.
Disproportionate sense of entitlement.

Huge red flags.

Pagwatch · 12/09/2011 13:16

He does not seem to have you very high on his list of priorities.

Has he always been like this? What was it that made you want to marry him - if he has always been like this I mean

seasidesister · 12/09/2011 13:18

Can I ask you what you love about him?

Hullygully · 12/09/2011 13:18

arse

Bunbaker · 12/09/2011 13:19

He's an a**hole.

VelvetSnow · 12/09/2011 13:20

self obsessed arse

Sorry OP, he doesn't seem very nice at all.

What does he do that makes you smile?

Original poster
OurLittleSecret · 12/09/2011 15:19

I was worried this may be the general concensus of opinion Sad

BluMoon - what sort of other ways?

Pagwatch thats the way it has felt for years - tho not always. I think I married him out of a sense of commitment - not I guess necessarily love. There was love there once tho....... I guess I always hoped it would appear again.

seasidesister at the moment I cant really say that I do love him. The number of times I have told him how much he has hurt me and he doesnt seem to get it. Its more a case of ambling along together - and if I am honest not really being in a loving relationship.

VelvetSnow he doesnt make me smile either Sad

I have always blamed myself for anything amiss - cause of my past/chiildhood.

I really dont know what to do. There was once love and happiness - but I am not sure where we have lost it on the way.

Sparked by a friend who very sadly lost his wife very young, he had said that marrying was the best day of his life. So I thought last night I would ask DH what the best day of his life was. Reassuringly he said our wedding day, followed by the birth of our first DC followed by the birth of our second DC. I have to admit if someone asked me the happiest day of my life at the moment I cant actually think of one. I really love my kids dearly - really I do but neither birth were fantastic really. Mainly down to my issues surrounding abuse I should think.

I dont know what to do.........

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 15:24

How have you resolved your childhood issues?
Including your tendency to blame yourself / stick with inadequate options?

I also echo BluMoon's question. For example: does your DH make all the decisions in the house/your couple? Do you acquiesce a lot over little things to keep the peace?

Pagwatch · 12/09/2011 15:26

You need to speak to someone about your abuse IMO.

Abuse makes many of us feel responsible for how others treat us. Which of course is nonsense.
And to not be able to think of a happiest day is terribly sad.
Again, we can absoloutely grow up believing that we don't deserve to be happy, that we are intrinsically 'wrong' and unloveable.

Is there anyone you could speak to. What is your gp like?

He is an arse. But when we don't value ourselves then those around us can also get into that habit

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 15:31

I think you might benefit from some individual counselling, to help you raise your self-esteem. Your H doesn't sound very helpful, but I do get the impression that you ask for reassurance a lot, which can sometimes make people close off more than they would otherwise.

PublicHair · 12/09/2011 15:38

how serious were the pregnancy complications and precious were you being about it for example if you had piles or something and were moaning about the amount of appointments you had then i can see both of your points, it sounds like in the first instance he was agreeing with you and supporting your view\decision.

secondly, how big of a deal was the hospital transfer vs what he had to do, if he's a self employed brain surgeon\hostage negotiator then that might be forgiveable, was the bag packed and do you have other kids to 'sort' ie was he doing that.

thirdly, have some counselling.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 12/09/2011 15:40

In response to:

  1. Wanker. Your wife may not die, but is obviously having a horrible time of it and her and YOUR unborn child need you.

2)Waker. "Oh, I'm sorry my complicatons are interfering with your main priorities...nice to know how well thought of I and our newborn child are, now get the the fuck back to the house and bring my stuff, you thoughtless tosser"

3)Wanker. No financial 'payout' could ever erradicate the hurt and upset caused by abuse. For him to have this as his main concern would indicate to me both a lack of understanding of quite what you went through and a presumption on his part that you would ever be 'over' it (sorry, for want of a better phrase)

So, to sum up: Wanker

Thumbwitch · 12/09/2011 15:43

Jings. He sounds really quite unpleasant, tbh.
I like LikeACandle's response too - works for me.

If you cant' think of the best day of your life, sounds like you have depressive issues, that may well stem from your abusive childhood so would second/third or whatever the advice to get some counselling so that you can resolve your feelings of low self-worth and realise that you deserve better than the half-arsed H you currently have.

Original poster
OurLittleSecret · 12/09/2011 16:00

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow No I havent resolved issues from my childhood - although I am in the process of getting help with them now - because I realise I need to. WRT decisions - he very much does what he wants to do and then I pick up round that. He is very much a tight wad and leaves me to pick up the tab on 70% of things - and all household/housework responsibility is mine even when working 6 days a week.

Pagwatch all of what you say is so very true I think.

Solidgoldbrass again, so very true, I know for a long old while I pushed him and others away - very firmly - and I truly dont hink that this has helped. I dont know that I look for reassurance as such - but maybe I do. I know I spend an awful lot of time trying to do things that he would like/appreciate - which in only the last couple of weeks I have realised comes from the abuse. I really have to stop myself trying so hard!!

PublicHair not deadly serious but certainly worth real consideration - and no I honestly was not being precious at all - I worked 6 days a week throughout the entire pg (well until the last 7 days). Hospital transfer was pph. He had NO childcare worries (100% sorted no effort on his part - or mine) I agree to the 30 mins work just not the other 2.5 hours f**king about and on FB!

LikeACandleButNotQuite - thank you -

I just really need to work some stuff out - so that I can try and move forwards with all this.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 16:09

Glad to hear you are getting help.

Sorry to pry in this some more, but: does your DH put you down? For example does he show "joking" contempt for your degree/accent/appearance/opinions/feelings? Has he ever insulted you?

Original poster
OurLittleSecret · 12/09/2011 17:33

Thank you for your reply Thumbwitch - I'm definately not innocent in this from the point of view that I now realise the abuse has left me feeling unworthy etc.

I dont really think he does put me down too much - there may have been the odd case but no more than he and his parents do even for their nearest and dearest friends - I have to admit I have often thought how unpleasant his parents were from that respect - and I think that is where is behaviour is likely to have started from.

OP posts:
Original poster
OurLittleSecret · 12/09/2011 17:36

I also dont think it helps that we live in a rural area and I feel a bit isolated/have to make a real real effort if I want to go anywhere - i.e 30 min drive.

OP posts:
garlicbutty · 12/09/2011 18:04

I'm glad you've named it abuse because that's what it is. He sounds breathtakingly un-empathetic and disengaged. He also seems very keen on money, getting a profit out of you, and using you as a servant. None of this is typical in a normal marriage. Childhood abuse does tend to make a person too accepting of bad treatment; you might find that he does put you down but you've not noticed before, iyswim.

Good to hear you're doing counselling. If you were looking for validation that your H doesn't treat you caringly enough, you've got it ...
Do be nice to yourself, please, and keep reading :)

Original poster
OurLittleSecret · 12/09/2011 22:46

I am trying to be nice to myself but I also find I am on a massive learning curve of right from wrong- and really don't know what is right any more.

OP posts:
TeachMySelfBalance · 13/09/2011 00:34

Imho, your examples demonstrate a dynamic of dismissiveness.

Do you feel stabbed in the heart by these comments? That, or some other physical reaction, is a clue. I think it points to being degraded; whether or not you can put the feeling into words-it hurts. To help manage this pain, imho, emotional detachment may be necessary. More simply-try not to care so much about his 'opinion'.

Since you say you are on a learning curve to know what is right or wrong (and best congratulations for arriving at the point to have the courage and honesty to make that statement!) it might help to start reading up on relationship dynamics. The often mentioned book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is excellent for identifying and explaining unhealthy emotional exchanges.

Individual counseling will help you.

Keep posting here...this is a support group.

cecilyparsley · 13/09/2011 01:07

Ourlittle, I think he sounds cruel from what you say.
I think that childhood abuse can sometimes make a person more easily victimised.

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2011 02:27

He hasn't got much empathy has he? What are his good points?

Original poster
OurLittleSecret · 13/09/2011 21:12

TeachMySelfBalance I do feel gutted by the comments - yes. In fact I feel like I am slowly dying - and that life is killing me Sad - I will have a look out for that book - am reading another at the moment. Thank you

Cecilyparsly I dont know that I think he is cruel - but I certainly agree that he has no empathy and little compassion. He certainly seems to have little or no understanding.

pinkyredrose - Good points - I dont know that I can find them right now. Sad

last night in bed I was upset - in tears - I said I didnt know how to make things better, when and if things would get better - and that I just dont know how to make things right. He did actually ask in a genuine matter what he could do to help. But he just doesnt seem to get the concept - of what upsets me in the first place - it is so hard. Since DC2 was born earlier this year we have had virtually no physical contact - 2 hugs - thats it - in the main its my fault - I am the one that has shut off - and I think because of the hurt in my past and the hurt I feel towards the statements and actions mentioned above.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 14/09/2011 01:16

Ourlittle, have you been to the doctor? Have you been checked out for depression of any kind, including postnatal? Because a lot of what you are saying suggests that as well as your DH being unempathetic etc., you may be suffering from depression and you may find meds helpful. It won't change him as such - but if you are contributing to the closing of communications and affection between you by being depressed, removal of that factor may allow things to open up again. If they don't, then you're better off starting again with someone who has more feelings; but it's hard to say at the moment.

So - if you haven't already done so, go to the GP, discuss ADs; continue with the counselling for your abusive past and then see how things go - if he continues to be just as standoffish and don't care-ish, it might just be time to let each other go.

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