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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How often do you...

10 replies

Midgeroo · 12/09/2011 12:19

The usual question, how often is regular for sex.

We both work full time and have two young kids. We manage it about once a week but sometimes a few weeks can go by.

My kids are really clingy and when I get home it's all mummy, mummy, mummy! Once they go to bed it's my hubbies turn.

I don't really have any time to myself. I never go out, my friends either have kids and we meet up with the kids or they are single and want to go out partying (I can't handle the hangover the next day).

Is this usual or am I a bore...! Any suggestions for improving the frequency?

OP posts:

smearedinfood · 12/09/2011 13:23

I'm impressed with once a week....

gregssausageroll · 12/09/2011 13:27

Once a week for us too. I don't think you should compare yourself though. What feels right and normal for you may be alien to another couple who have sex 4-5 times a week.

As long as you are both happy don't worry.

seasidesister · 12/09/2011 13:31

Are you happy with this? is he? if the answer is yes then there is no problem.

As far as Im aware, most parents of young children are not swinging from the chandeliers every night

Original poster

Midgeroo · 12/09/2011 14:31

Thanks for your thoughts.

seasidesister: He'd like it more often, or at least on a regular basis.

It's affecting our relationship now to a point that we really need to sort something out otherwise there's a chance we may go our seperate ways which I don't really want.

I know I can't compare to other couples but I just wanted to find out what the general feeling was on this subject.

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 12/09/2011 14:37

We are once a week too. It can be longer though depending on what's going on at the time. I hate being pawed over and if the kids have been hanging from my neck all day, DH pawing over me when he gets home is an absolute no no! He would like it more also, whereas I am ok going for weeks without it, I think we have cameto a decent compromise.

As lng as you are btw happy, there is no right or wrong.

Witchofthenorth · 12/09/2011 14:38

Both happy, not btw!

Original poster

Midgeroo · 12/09/2011 14:45

Witchofthenorth: this is exactly how I feel, spot on. Only problem is DH isn't happy with this situation.

Did you come to a compromise and if so what did you both decide?

OP posts:

jellybeans208 · 12/09/2011 15:13

We do it about 3 times a week but only got 1 kid and I do 25 hours not full time.

I think you need to make time to go ou and do things to as I find having your own life makes you more up for sex. If you are around the kids 24/7 then its too stressful, everyone needs a break

I dont think I would go a few weeks without it though as that seems like a long time unless you are very ill, but it probably is to do with you not having 'me' time imo.

seasidesister · 12/09/2011 19:56

hmmm. It sounds like you have mismatched libidos at present. Does your dh show an understanding of your situation? that it is probably temporary? is he supportive with the children?

Can he give you some affection without expecting sex? Im thinking that might help. I think it can be hard to just "switch on" after a busy day being a mum.

Witchofthenorth · 12/09/2011 20:08

It took a lot of talking OP and understanding on both parts. I had to understand that even although I feel frazzled and bloody exhausted at times, he still finds me attractive and loves me, sex to both of us is an integral part of our marriage and cements our love (sorry for going gushy!), but he also had to understand that after running after the kids, cleaning house, doing shoppin, sorting out laundry, playing taxi driver, banker, wife, mother, manager........I really can't be arsed and that coming up behind me in the kitchen and copping a feel doesn't make me want to rip his clothes off if you see what I mean!.

We had an open and honest conversation on what we both wanted sex wise, and what was realistic sex wise, then tried to meet in the middle.

There is room for manoeuvre though, I try to make time for us once a week, even if I would rather sleep, because I know once we get going, I really enjoy it, it's just getting going that's the problem :)

He realises that sometimes I've had a really hard week with work and kids(I am also 6 months pregnant so very tired) and will not mention it. However, I always know when he really would like to have sex more cos he starts cleaning the house and seeing to the kids a whole lot more than normal

Hope that helps OP. The main thing is talking-to each other, then coming to a realistic compromise that suits both.

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