Is this a bit weird or is it just me??

[Honeypie80]

I just cannot get this out of my mind for some reason it keeps playing over and over.... DP is very extrovert, finds it easy to talk to people,make friends etc. been with him for 11 years now, met all his family and friends some of them just choose to think i am ignorant and not give me the time of day (im not im just painfully shy, and find it hard to speak to someone i dont really know)

Anyway we go to his cousins wedding last Saturday, most of his family where outside smoking, myself and dp dont smoke, so i was sat inside with his pregnant cousin who doesnt talk much, while waiting for him to reappear from wherever he had gone to.... didnt have any money to get a drink, he had the money that night, wasnt answering texts so all i could do was wait. he finally reappears and it seems hes made lots of new friends outside who he was now sitting with, bought me a drink, not once asked me to go join him, in fact took 25 mins to get the bar while he was chatting to people on the way, to get me a drink, i eventually had enough and wandered out to get some money from him so i could get a cab home, when i get there hes chatting away to his crowd of hangers on, so i had to wait until i could get a word in... i finally get my say and tell him hes a selfish prick be invited as a couple and then just leave me alone all bleedin night, i just got the impression i wasn't welcome outside, he finally got the hint and came and sat by me for once, by then he couldn't string 2 words together, i hate it when hes drunk so we then sat there in silence, and waited for the coach to pick us up, on the way out i overheard his cousin who's usually really quiet telling him he was a selfish t££t for ignoring me all night, so was quite pleased it wasn't just me being weird.

Thinking back now though our nights out always end up like this, he tries so hard to be the entertainer for everyone, make everyone laugh and its always at the cost of the person who has actually gone out with him, its not that hes being flirty or anything (although his own mum has said sometimes he does go to far cos he doesn't realise hes flirting) I'm just sick of being the odd one out, all his family are like this, i especially hate the next day when he doesn't realise how hes made me feel so i get all neurotic about it and always feel like its me who has done something wrong.

why would anyone want to go out and be ignored all night? is this really me feeling something that is actually there or being jealous of him being super confident? just really confused and its eating me up thats he treated me this way again. really sorry this is so long.

Oh, but you would!! All shy people are self centred apparently. Regardless of their background etc. I've posted that I'm rather shy, therefore in your eyes I'm self centred!

I'm already on my "chosen life course" but thank you for the luck!

Anytime

But surely shyness IS self-centred?! Why is that in dispute?
Depression is also self-centred - I say this as a depressed, shy person..

I won't dispute it, globex. As a socially anxious and depressed person myself.

I see my social anxiety as placing my concern for what others think of me above simple acceptance of them as their own person. That definitely seems self-centred to me. Not selfish or bad or inexplicable, but self- centred, yes.

God, do you ever wish you hadn't started something.... Thanks for all the replies. I find it very easy for someone who has no issues whatsoever and maybe read a book or two, to sit and call me selfish for wanting my partner to talk to me and self centered for believing he should have spent a bit of time with me at least. if you read my posts again i did say i didn't expect to be babysat all night, just expected my partner of 11 years to want to actually spend a bit of time with me on a night out, as we went out together i don't actually find this selfish at all.

I knew approx 3 people there, all being smokers they were outside for most of the evening in the rain, am i to go and stand in the rain with them, for the sake of sitting with people i hardly know...and where did the miserable face thing come from, why do you think i was sat there staring into my drink all evening looking like i was about to down a bottle of pills. i actually did join in conversations and started some too for which im proud of myself for doing, laugh all you like but i hope to god some of you never feel like i have the past few years!

As someone else said i find my dp's behaviour of always having to be the centre of attention very tiring and self centered sometimes. Sometimes i just don't go, i know it causes friction and i know he loves to be an entertainer to everyone so i let him go off and do his thing and i do mine, its how we work, the times i do go though 9and to be honest there aren't many when i don't go) i just expect my boyfriend to be able to sit with me once in a while or for even part of the night. issues aside i don't think that's unreasonable to want to spend time with your partner is it?

And as for the people who don't have time for shy people - how selfish is that, i personally find people like this very ignorant. we don't fit into your world so you cast us aside so you don't have to waste time bringing us out of our shell, would the same be said for someone who has a stammer, as your in such a rush you are probably missing out on so many new wonderful people and possible friendships, i find that very selfish and self centered to be honest, shows a lack of patience and empathy.

What if the shy person was your sister,brother or even child. How would you treat them then?

OP, I really sympathise and can definitely identify with some of what you say. I think that probably the "blame" lies neither with your DP for ignoring you, neither with you for being anxious without him, but somewhere inbetween.

I had a lot of social anxiety issues at university, and my best friend was the complete opposite of me. If we went out together in the evening, I always enjoyed the most when we stuck together "us against the world" kind of thing, whereas she got such a huge kick out of meeting new people and chatting to strangers that it never really worked out. Because we were such good friends we talked a lot about it and came to the conclusion that we were just very, very different creatures and both seeking happiness in our own way, which you can't blame anyone for, unfortunately just not very compatible on a night out together!

Anyway, I kicked a lot of my anxiety issues after university and was fine for 8 years...until I moved to a different country and had to start again socially from the beginning. I am often in situations like you describe with your DP with my own OH - what makes it worse, we are in his native country with all his friends and family speaking his language, so I am having to do the whole social-integration, mingling, small-talk thing in another language that I am not even fluent in! We've had some rows after events like weddings, parties etc but also a few really good talks where we've tried to each understand how the other feels more, why we both act like we do, and agreed on some basic "compromise" principles, ie he will intervene if he sees me on my own/ in a situation I feel out of my depth in, in return I will resist decending into self-pity-this-is-too-hard mode and force myself to speak to others a bit more. Maybe you need some similar discussions with your DP?

Quite aggressive for a shy person.

I have bought many 'friends' out of their shells, and they, in turn, have taught me alot about myself. However, am I suppose to sit there and bang my head against a brick wall for the sake of 'helping' someone who quite frankly doesn't want to help themselves? No.

OP I think your DP was at fault for not spending some time with you, and realising you needed company.

BUT, speaking as someone who has been with/married to a shy/reserved (in social situations) person for nearly 15 years, it is VERY wearing when out socially. I am very very sociable and quite outgoing in most situations, and find it very hard as my DH hardly ever instigates conversation with others, doesn't exchange 'pleasantries' etc.

He has got a lot better as he has got older, but it used to be quite awkward, especially with new people, as he would literally say nothing, apart from very concise answers if he was cornered, which would soon tail off into a dead end IYSWIM. Friends and relatives did think he was a bit rude, and I did used to feel sorry for him but also felt a bit awkward/apologetic about the whole thing. I used to hover round trying to 'help' him, missing out on conversations, making him feel worse, and making both of us look ignorant. Now I just get on with it, which he is happy with, although I don't ignore him all night of course.

I don't know what the answer is for you, but I think you and your DP need to discuss this and come up with your own solution, after both of you have aired your issues.

I think you need to take some responsibility for how you feel. Be it counselling, self help books or Ad's.

I can see both sides but ultimately if you were happier in yourself, more relaxed socially you wouldn't be so hung up on what your oh was up to. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you at the end of the day and if there's problem then it's up to you to fix it.

Honey I'll tell you a story. From when I was 19 to 24,I was with Mr Bigstuff who left me bereft in a corner at parties,where I didn't know a soul. I was horribly shy (SGB-no way selfish-upbringing induced-actually)and also envied people who could romp around a party saying "Look at meeeeeeeeee".
He went to work abroad,I was supposed to follow. Once he'd gone,I found my feet.
I realised that I was fine alone. He,on the other hand,was shocked when I called everything off. Turns out he was leaning on me. He was the insecure one.
I've never looked back.

sowrong and the others, thanks for your points of view, its really comforting to hear of people with similar experiences and im glad yours was a good one!

I have been dealing with my own issues for a while and will continue to do so, just had a little blur today, for which i reached out for help and advice so im truly thankful to the people who have shared their opinions.

HairyGrotter Why did you personally take my post to heart, i have never replied directly to any of yours so why feel the need to call me aggressive, i asked a simple question, what if it was your child who was the shy one would you still feel so adamant they were being so selfish and self centred, or would that be ok as it was your child? (not to just you but as a question to make you think?) you don't know everybody's personal circumstances, if they are receiving help why would that be a conversation starter just so you will give them a chance to come out of themselves, saying all shy people are selfish is as bad as saying all scousers are thieves, all irish are thick etc, just another generalisation from someone who doesn't really understand and has never experienced what they think they know so much about.

You do realise Nobody has actually asked you to babysit a shy person, really don't know what your getting so worked up about to be honest. you gave your opinion, i gave mine back, and yet im aggressive for doing so

I never mentioned babysitting, that was another poster, sweets.

I never branded all shy people as selfish, your OP came across as selfish, and I said, that IMO, shyness is self-centered, which I stand by. Your posts do come across as agressive, again IMO.

My child is very confident, has not shy tendencies showing as yet but if it becomes and issue, I will tackle it accordingly and support her the best way I can.

As I said previously, my boyfriend has bi-polar type II and suffers serverely from anxiety, I support him fully.

I should have added ,my point is that your OH is depending on you always being there for him,when he's had enough of partying. Try taking yourself out of his life for a bit.

Honeypie - good on you for standing your ground here. I find myself in the position as you when out with my husband. We often socialise with people who share his hobby and I get left while he schmoozes.

People do not call me shy. Generally I can get on in most situations, even though I don't always feel comfortable. However, I can become quite withdrawn around this particular set of people. I think it's because I feel a bit abandoned. We've discussed it a few times (even had one of our worst arguments ever about it), but he just does it anyway. He loves me and I love him.

The point here is, I know how you feel. And it's almost like the more it happens the worse you feel and the more withdrawn you become. And I absolutely empathise and know that you don;t want babysitting all night, but just to feel like he cares enough to check that you are ok once in a while. I would never take someone to a social event where they know no one and leave them to it. It's just rude.

Sorry no solution, but you have my support.

I'm genuinely not trying to make my posts sound aggressive, sorry if they do its really not my intention, i just personally feel if i knew someone had a problem i wouldn't sit their and judge them id try to help them and show a little empathy, after all i know what its like to be cast aside for someone more outgoing and louder.

I'm not getting help to suddenly become centre of attention at all these social setting i go to, but just to be able to function without the dreaded "oh god what are they thinking of me attitude", which cripples me to the point i don't talk as i don't want to make a fool of myself. i know there is no pill you can take (although alcohol definitely helps - i just don't drink much when im out!) ill just carry on with what i've been doing and try to change my behaviour, but thanks again its so nice to know im not so "weird" all by myself!

I do empathise with you, but I also have empathy for your partner as it's hard for him also. Glad you are getting the help needed, and I hope it is beneficial to you and your partner.

How is it hard for her partner if he ignores her all evening? Sounds like he's getting it quite easy. Honeypie you don't sound selfish or aggressive. When I suffered from depression I found it really difficult to make conversation with my own friends and I'm not painfully shy on top ofthat. Keep getting the help you need for depression and maybe look into some help for the shyness. I'm sorry I'm not sure what help. When I was a teenager I made a conscious decision to be more confident. No matter how scary I found it I forced myself to speak to people etc. I'd talk to anyone now but I'd never abandon my partner while i did it. We're a team. Doesn't sound like u and your dp are.

If you have depression, you have to realise it's hard on the partner also, not just the person suffering. Those around them suffer too. He wanted to relax and celebrate his cousins wedding and mingle, I'd want to do that too.

But then, I'm self centered as an extrovert

I too was at a wedding recently with DP. I can see the difficulties here. On the one hand, there will be lots of people you know and want to 'catch up' with them. At this wedding, there were 150 guests. Although I didn't know them all by a long way, I reckoned that if I spent just one minute with each of them, that was 2 and a half hours. While I sympathise with your issue, nevertheless I think you're just being a shade unreasonable. I make sure I have money in my purse before I go!

OP I used to be really shy and socially anxious so I think I can identify with what you're saying. As time has gone on I have looked at ways to get better at interacting with people and learned how to make small talk and gradually things have got a lot better and I would say I don't have an issue with it now. A lot of it for me was trying to "practise" small talk a lot and trying not to be too worried about what strangers thought of me. My DH was also a great support and he can talk a hind leg off a donkey in a nice way. I think it us not unreasonable to spend some time with your OH on a night out and I'm surprised by some of the responses on here. Shyness and depression can be crippling and by the nature of it leads to avoidance of social contact and it's a vicious cycle. You then get "out of practise" so to speak which makes it really hard to initiate conversations because it can make you v anxious. That's my experience anyway. Hope you find a good solution with your OH on this

agree with wheels, think some of the replies are rather harsh, fair enough her partner wants to speak to his family, but other occasions it seems to be random strangers... despite being socially anxious my partner is even quieter than me so I can see both sides of this as I am the sociable one at parties etc, but the quiet one at work. fortunately my partner is happy to be left for lengthy periods at gatherings. good luck with the counselling.

Hello Honey.,,
Well I don't think its unreasonable at all for you to want him to spend a bit of his evening with you and nope you don't sound agressive or selfish either. I think just a little bit more contact and caring from himwhen you're out would probably give you the confidence boost to make it easier for you to approach people yourself.

He on the other hand sounds like one of those tedius people that have to be the centre of attention all night... yawn!!

What's he like at home. Do you feel loved then? x

I sympathise, too, Honey. I've been on both sides of this particular fence - was brought up to be invisible, worked on that after I left home and was Mrs Society until I got depression ten years ago. I couldn't look people in the face, let alone the eye, and mumbled into my chest if I had to talk. God, it was horrid! For those claiming I must have been big-headed: I felt (despite knowing it was irrational) like the lowest, most disgusting slimy thing under that stone over there. Not saying all shy people feel like that, but I can tell you many depressed people do. I didn't feel I could inflict myself on others.

Glad you're getting some counselling for the depression, Honeypie. You don't actually sound crippled by shyness to me, just more of a reserved person. Nowt wrong with that :)

I don't think I'd like to be out with a partner who's that much in love with his own popularity, tbh (what am I saying? I was, and I didn't!) But that's not what you asked about. So I have three pieces of advice for you:-

1. Keep doing the counselling.
2. Before you go out, check your hair, check your fiendly smile, and say to DP "Gimme thirty quid."
3. Go up to Mr Popular's group, smile at somebody and say "Hello, I'm Honeypie, who are you?"

Good luck!

Yup and make sure the 'Hello I'm Honeypie, who are you' line is with some lovely attractive bloke... that'll get him back pretty sharpish from boring the barman x