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Original poster

Is this a bit weird or is it just me??

85 replies

Honeypie80 · 09/09/2011 10:12

I just cannot get this out of my mind for some reason it keeps playing over and over.... DP is very extrovert, finds it easy to talk to people,make friends etc. been with him for 11 years now, met all his family and friends some of them just choose to think i am ignorant and not give me the time of day (im not im just painfully shy, and find it hard to speak to someone i dont really know)

Anyway we go to his cousins wedding last Saturday, most of his family where outside smoking, myself and dp dont smoke, so i was sat inside with his pregnant cousin who doesnt talk much, while waiting for him to reappear from wherever he had gone to.... didnt have any money to get a drink, he had the money that night, wasnt answering texts so all i could do was wait. he finally reappears and it seems hes made lots of new friends outside who he was now sitting with, bought me a drink, not once asked me to go join him, in fact took 25 mins to get the bar while he was chatting to people on the way, to get me a drink, i eventually had enough and wandered out to get some money from him so i could get a cab home, when i get there hes chatting away to his crowd of hangers on, so i had to wait until i could get a word in... i finally get my say and tell him hes a selfish prick be invited as a couple and then just leave me alone all bleedin night, i just got the impression i wasn't welcome outside, he finally got the hint and came and sat by me for once, by then he couldn't string 2 words together, i hate it when hes drunk so we then sat there in silence, and waited for the coach to pick us up, on the way out i overheard his cousin who's usually really quiet telling him he was a selfish t££t for ignoring me all night, so was quite pleased it wasn't just me being weird.

Thinking back now though our nights out always end up like this, he tries so hard to be the entertainer for everyone, make everyone laugh and its always at the cost of the person who has actually gone out with him, its not that hes being flirty or anything (although his own mum has said sometimes he does go to far cos he doesn't realise hes flirting) I'm just sick of being the odd one out, all his family are like this, i especially hate the next day when he doesn't realise how hes made me feel so i get all neurotic about it and always feel like its me who has done something wrong.

why would anyone want to go out and be ignored all night? is this really me feeling something that is actually there or being jealous of him being super confident? just really confused and its eating me up thats he treated me this way again. really sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 09/09/2011 14:21

Shyness is a form of selfishness, though. Shy people are so obsessed with themselves that they can't make a connection to other people, and yet they expect allowances to be made for them and everyone to make extra effort to 'bring them out of themselves'. It's fairly understandable that people get fed up with it after a while.

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 14:31

solidgoldbrass as a fairly shy person myself I can HONESTLY say it is far from "selfishmess*!! It, in my case, is a strong/constant feeling of not being good enough combined with not wanting to make a fool of myself.
I am in now way obsessed with myself and I can make very good "connections" to other people once I get to know them.

OP I understand where you are coming from because my DP and me are very similar, though he would never leave me alone for the entire night, THAT is thoughtless and selfish. Try to join in when he is being sociable and as much as you find it difficult it might help if you did the same thing yourself; maybe find people you do know where you are at the time. Plus ALWAYS carry your own money! Smile

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 09/09/2011 14:39

Hi Annie

You said: he should, don't you think, make a point of seeing she's ok every half hour or so, performing polite introductions, "letting" her sit with his new mates without having to hold up her end of the conversation... lots of different ways of playing it.

Actually, I don't think there's a "should" in other people's actions. Her DP's actions are what they are: he likes to mingle and drink at parties and leaves her to fend for herself (no doubt he believes she "should" be able to cope on her own). She's anxious in social settings and is unhappy with being left on her own, and hopefully she can explain her feelings to him. Either he takes her concerns on board and is willing to change his actions to be more attentive to her in social situations, or he isn't. If he isn't, she can decide whether she wants to continue in a relationship where her needs aren't being met.

Expecting a partner to be other than they are because one thinks they should be is a recipe for eternal frustration. The only thing either of them should Wink be doing is expressing their needs clearly to the other partner, and then making their own decisions for how they want to proceed.

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 14:52

I've always been lead to believe (by articles, medical journals etc) that shyness is akin to being self centered, in that you focus only on the impression you are giving others and what others think of you.

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 14:57

HairyGrotter this is partly true but also false in so many ways. There are far more ways to look at shyness. Feeling not good enough following a childhood of being told to speak only when spoken to was a big factor in my shyness for many years. Certainly not being self centred.
The articles, medical journals etc you have been reading are very blinkered if that is the only reasoning they can give!!

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 15:00

By the way, on many occasions I've found very sociable people, such as the OP's DP, to be generally more self centred because they constantly have to be the centre of attention and constantly liked by everyone!

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 15:02

Sorry, the journals I read are peer reviewed as I study Psychology, so they have got some basis of fact.

There are other self-centered groups out there, not just shy people. Just saying

Anniegetyourgun · 09/09/2011 15:16

But Puppy... is it wrong to change some of your behaviours in consideration of your partner's needs/wishes? Of course you're right that if you have to deny who you are and what you like for someone else you're probably with the wrong someone else. But relationships tend to be about compromise, and if you know someone is going to sit in the corner feeling grotty as long as you're away from them, you surely make some effort not to leave them like that too long. Likewise if someone really enjoys going into different rooms and chatting to different people, you let them go even though you know you will feel grotty until they come back. Not control, but consideration. Because if you care about somebody you want them to feel good too, insofar as it can be managed.

You are so totally right about communication though.

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 15:23

HairyGrotter so finally psychologists have concrete answers to things just like scientists?! They of course are not just theories but pure fact! Didn't know psychology was such a concrete study!
Peer reviewed (by psychology students) so obviously means they must be true!!!

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 15:25

Bit touchy aren't you? I am expressing my opinion based on peer reviewed (by the BPS) journals. I believe that is ok?

IMO shyness is self-centrered, as is being overtly attention seeking. Both ends of the personality spectrum.

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 15:26

And I said some basis of fact...i.e. credible, ethical research

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 09/09/2011 15:28

But Puppy... is it wrong to change some of your behaviours in consideration of your partner's needs/wishes?

Absolutely not! Totally agree that consideration and willing compromise that doesn't deny who you are is what relationships are built on.

Maybe OP's DP is clueless about how she feels on her own, whereas for her it's so obvious that she feels that way that it's hard for her to understand his lack of understanding. Or maybe he knows but is unwilling to accomodate it for whatever reason. That's something only they can figure out.

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 15:28

If we are really treading the pyschological path the latest articles on the subject suggest low self-esteem has something to do with it but apparently "The causes of shyness have not been demonstrated adequately to justify any firm statements on the issue"!!!!! Not sure who you've been reading HairyGrotter!

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 15:29

Since when has "credible, ethical research" been called fact?!

HotBurrito1 · 09/09/2011 16:04

Without wishing to be a fence sitter, I can totally see both sides.
He wants to socialise -fair play.
You are unhappy instigating chats with people -again, fair play.
Would the whole thing not get better if you say to him that you recognise it is not his job to look after you (and mean it). He then undertakes making every effort to include you (because he knows the problem, and loves you). Simple.

Oh and take some money next time.

globex · 09/09/2011 16:09

Can you not just tag along with him rather than sitting on your own, waiting for him to come and talk to you? That way you can jump in to conversations rather than feeling solely responsible for initiating and continuing them..

You really can't go to someone's wedding and sit at a table looking miserable all night..

booge · 09/09/2011 16:11

Don't get me started on peer review, it's no guarantee of sound research or thought.

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 16:13

Exactly booge!!!

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 16:15

I said it had some basis of fact, I didn't state a FACT. I am allowed to have an opinion, and having researched it, I have formed my opinion. Like we are all welcome to.

I'm not being mean, nasty or cruel, just stating my opinion.

onlylivinggirl · 09/09/2011 16:16

I do have sympathy with you - I am not particularly shy but if I was at an event with someone - particularly one where they may know more people than I /I didn't know anyone but them - i would expect them to spend some time with me and to check I was occupied. I do this in reverse- if i take my partner for example to a work event where he didn't know people it would be part of my role to ensure he was occupied/talking to people.
But you do have to take some responsibility - why do you have to be asked to join him ?

Renaissance227 · 09/09/2011 16:18

Fair enough HairyGrotter. It's obvious there is a lot of reading and research you still have to do.
Hope you are early into your studies and not nearly finished because that would just be scary from what you have been typing in here!

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 16:19

That's a bit of a cheap dig tbh. I wouldn't pull judgement on you by what you post on a forum. How sad.

Good luck with your chosen life course, I won't judge you by what you put here :)

NodsSmilesandBacksAway · 09/09/2011 16:22

gawd OP you sound like a bundle of laughs

no wonder he moved tables Grin

lighten up love

ImeldaM · 09/09/2011 16:23

I think those who are going on about 'shyness' haven't noticed the OP saying she also has been struggling with depression, is that 'self-centred' too Hmm

Also from a psychology perspective perhaps shyness is self-centred in the true sense, centred on internal feelings (of anxiety) and difficult to look outwith the self. However I doubt it means 'selfish' and 'self-centred' as in not caring about others.

Shyness in children is something to be discouraged and have seen childrens psych discuss shyness as being 'selfish' but in an adult it is not same at all, especially when it is part of depression/anxiety.

Just checked that this is in Relationships, wondered if was AIBU because of some responses.

NodsSmilesandBacksAway · 09/09/2011 16:24

also, you said you text him when he was away from the table to get a drink

blimey ......