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Original poster

Does your OH allow you free reign over his mobile phone?

94 replies

MutantPubicCrabs · 08/09/2011 15:13

I leave my mobile here, there and everywhere. If it rings/texts and I'm in the other room I ask OH to have a look and see who it is/what they want etc. I have told OH to take my phone when he couldn't find his own and think nothing of going out and leaving my phone at home (with OH).

OH is total opposite. His phone is always firmly in his pocket. He never leaves it lying around. He even takes it into the bathroom with him. If it rings/texts he runs to it to see who it is. Would NEVER suggest that I pick it up and if I ever look like I might, he panics like mad. He will never let me borrow it and any time where I need to he will be "waiting for an important call" or something meaning I can't borrow it. He never leaves in in the house whilst he goes out either.

The other night he was showing me a video on it that he'd taken, I went to hold it and he reluctantly gave it to me but hovered over me itching to take it back. He was supposed to be making a cup of tea so I deliberately held onto it to see if he would go and make the drink - he hovered over me until it got "uncomfortable" and obvious and then made an excuse ("let me see if I can get the video player looking better") he faced it away from me, faffed with it and then gave me it back and went to make a drink. The paranoid person in me is saying he was deleting something when he was faffing.

This isn't normal is it? how "free" are you to play with you OH's phone?

OP posts:
Strangedays · 08/09/2011 21:34

Also my DH used to text the OW from the bathroom and v early in the morning as he was alone downstairs making me a 'wake up' coffee. On the other hand, wouldn't he put a pin on it if he really was up to something so you couldn't access the phone at all? Is that possible?

eslteacher · 08/09/2011 21:48

My DP seems to have no qualms about letting me look at/use his mobile phone as and when. Same for me in reverse.

Got to say though, I don't much like him having free reign with my laptop, and I get twitchy if he ends up using it for too long. Nothing to do with covering up anything dodgy, just that my internet history shows forums that I post to (eg mumsnet) and blogs that I read and comment on that I think of as my own "me" space where I can say whatever I want entirely separtely from my "real-world" life. I don't really like the idea of DP stumbling into that private "me" space - not that it would be the end of the world if he did, but I'd definitely feel a bit self-conscious about it. Also got some personal files stored in my documents that again, are from a part of my life that was way before I knew DP, and again it's not even anything dodgy, just me-stuff that I'm happy to keep that way.

So, if your OH has an internet phone maybe he has something similar going on to me with my laptop. Maybe he looks at porn sites or has downloaded some sexy pictures/videos or something that he doesn't want you to see. I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion of an affair, though of course anything's possible.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2011 02:43

Strangedays, the OP's DH may well have a PIN on his phone already - she won't know until she tries to get into it, she's never allowed near it!

ComradeJing · 09/09/2011 03:00

DH and I know all of each others passwords, check each others phones and answer calls if it's appropriate. I've nothing to hide and I assume he doesn't either so why would it worry us?

Op this is obviously bothering you and for good reason, it sounds very dodgy.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 09/09/2011 03:29

If you have a divan bed, I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps his mobile under the mattress on his side. In any event, I doubt that it'll be too far from him when he's sleeping - does he have a bedside cupboard or a briefcase/box file that he keeps near the bed?

Can you generally account for his time, or could he be up to something completely different to what you believe he's doing?

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2011 03:41

trail him until he goes to bed, see where he leaves it OR how annoyed he gets when you don't leave him alone long enough to hide it.

voscar · 09/09/2011 06:06

I once had a partner like this - 18 months later it transpired he had a whole second life, house, partner that I knew nothing about! I'd suggest he is certainly hiding something.

Has he always been like this? Did this behaviour start at a certain point?

EttiKetti · 09/09/2011 06:31

DH is very open about anything like this, as am I. He gave me his brand new phone to take shopping the other day as it had some discount code on it that I had to send for as I was in the shop. Not an issue ever.

I'd be extremely suspicious in your situation. But have you asked him.why he's so secretive, how suspicious it looks, and when he does the inevitable flannel and excuses, asked him to set your mind at rest by letting you look....immediate not when he's had chance to clean it up!?

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2011 06:43

Btw, accusing you of paranoia is the cheater's standard defence...

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 07:21

I wouldn't be happy with his behaviour AT ALL. I would express my concerns, bat back the whole paranoia bullshit.

Tell him it's causing tension in the relationship and if he doesn't buck his ideas up, you'll start questioning his commitment to the relationship.

2rebecca · 09/09/2011 07:27

I have my own phone so have never tried to look at my husbands. If he took my phone and was reluctant to give it back the way you were with his i'd wonder what he was playing at. On the other hand our phones are usually left lying around or turned off if we are in the house.
I'd judge by other stuff if I thought he was having an affair.

2rebecca · 09/09/2011 07:31

Don't most people have PINs on their mobiles? Seems silly not to have a PIN to me, especially if you work in an open plan office.

2rebecca · 09/09/2011 07:35

Do you ask him what the texts say? My husband rarely grabs my phone and I would never expect him to answer me as we have a house phone so no one ringing my mobile would be wanting him. If I get a text when he is there I usually tell him what it say though. I'd be worried if you get brushed off by "its not important"

Meglet · 09/09/2011 07:37

XP used to keep his phone on him and silent all the time. The one chance I had to check it I discovered he was going off to house parties after the pub and there were a few iffy messages from a girl on there.

I could never get hold of it again but I'm sure that was the tip of the iceberg.

I'm almost attached to my phone (in that I check it quite often) but happily leave it out and with the sound on. Wouldn't bother me if anyone else looked at it.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2011 07:41

yes, agree, half the tme I forget to charge my phone so grab DH's assuming he doesn't need it - he'd do the same (except he always remembers to charge his phone). They're just phones. your dh really sound like he's hiding something

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2011 07:42

that said I wouldn't want anyone looking at my phone - so suppose I am contradicting myself :o

ZZZenAgain · 09/09/2011 07:43

I was thinking that Rebecca, rather than hiding it somewhere, surely he just swtiches it off so it needs to have a code re-entered before anyone can use it?

Dh uses his blackberry from work as a cell phone and I don't go on there. He tries to show me (deadly boring) things on there at times, such as some legal document but I tend to flail about page 4 and smile weakly and try and hand it back. Then I get, no ,n o go on the next page is really interesting....

He has left it at home by mistake once or twice switched on and come back for it or asked me to bring it to him if he had to go in a meeting. Since it is really a work thing, I don't feel the need to pry about in it but he does use it generally as a cell phone so if he had phone calls from OW or something like that, they would be on there and I would not be ordinarily able to access them I don't think.

I have a feeling your husband OP might be a technical freak. Some people get really territorial about heir technical bits and bobs. My father is like this. No one can touch his car (drive it etc), do not fiddle with his appliances and he really gets twitchy about people using his computer. He is technically totally on the ball so I think his assumption is lesser mortals will muck things up. Maybe your dh is a bit like my dad. Is it just the phone or is he the same about his car for example or his camera? However my dad is clear he doesn't want people fiddling about with his toys. Your dh's behaviour is a ltitle different and I would assume, I'm sorry, he has SMS/phone numbers on there from women he likes with whom he may actually not have anything going on but I think it sounds like that type of set-up.

mummytime · 09/09/2011 08:06

My DH doesn't use mine, probably wouldn't be sure how to. I don't answer his (unless he asks me eg. when driving), and I don't want to answer it as its usually business or someone I don't know. I also don't know how to use it, although the kids do.

But DH does also tend to hog the remote, and I'm not sure I've really touched his ipad. On the other hand I know/can guess at least most of his passwords.

I don't use my kids phones either. But if I had reason to mistrust them I might.

AnnieLobeseder · 09/09/2011 08:10

If my DH behaved like that over his phone, I would absolutely have a look while he was asleep. That's just odd behaviour.

DH and I have free reign over each other's phone, emails etc etc.

mh85 · 09/09/2011 12:29

What's the update MPC? Any more commando styley nonsense last night?

PeppermintPasty · 09/09/2011 12:36

To answer your question, I am free to play with his phone now, but years ago, when he was having an affair he was just like your DP I'm afraid Sad

He is completely open and different now and it's a non-issue, but at the time I snooped and found the evidence I needed. Snoop snoop snoop, then snoop a bit more.

IslandMoose · 09/09/2011 13:19

As has been said, it could be anything or nothing - from simply protecting his "private space" to habits he'd simply rather you didn't know about (betting, porn) to an OW. From what you've told us there's no real evidence for any particular answer.

The issue really is, do you trust him? If you are suspicious and tempted to scheme away for a chance to "snoop" as other posters put it, then is your relationship where it should be in any event? If you're prepared to do the equivalent of opening and reading another person's correspondence in the hope or expectation of finding something incriminating, then does the relationship have a future?

If the situation were reversed, and your DH was "snooping" on you in some way on the basis of a suspicion that was unfounded, would you feel that that had eroded your relationship?

PeppermintPasty · 09/09/2011 13:36

Well, I snooped on my dp IslandMoose, everything came out. I chucked him out and latterly, after a lot of work by us both, I gave him another chance. I can honestly say that he is a different man to the tw*t he was back then as far as this goes. Bugger to being ethical, I say find out as much as you can, then you can decide what you're dealing with.

And I would also say that I do have issues with trust from time to time, but we both understand that's because he let me down big style. He has no trust issues with me, having been "snooped" on.

notlettingthefearshow · 09/09/2011 13:40

I don't think it's necessarily suspicious - it would depend on if there was anything else you were worried about?

cat64 · 09/09/2011 13:43

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