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Original poster

Does your OH allow you free reign over his mobile phone?

94 replies

MutantPubicCrabs · 08/09/2011 15:13

I leave my mobile here, there and everywhere. If it rings/texts and I'm in the other room I ask OH to have a look and see who it is/what they want etc. I have told OH to take my phone when he couldn't find his own and think nothing of going out and leaving my phone at home (with OH).

OH is total opposite. His phone is always firmly in his pocket. He never leaves it lying around. He even takes it into the bathroom with him. If it rings/texts he runs to it to see who it is. Would NEVER suggest that I pick it up and if I ever look like I might, he panics like mad. He will never let me borrow it and any time where I need to he will be "waiting for an important call" or something meaning I can't borrow it. He never leaves in in the house whilst he goes out either.

The other night he was showing me a video on it that he'd taken, I went to hold it and he reluctantly gave it to me but hovered over me itching to take it back. He was supposed to be making a cup of tea so I deliberately held onto it to see if he would go and make the drink - he hovered over me until it got "uncomfortable" and obvious and then made an excuse ("let me see if I can get the video player looking better") he faced it away from me, faffed with it and then gave me it back and went to make a drink. The paranoid person in me is saying he was deleting something when he was faffing.

This isn't normal is it? how "free" are you to play with you OH's phone?

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/09/2011 16:23

I wouldn't answer DP's phone unless he asked me to ? he only does so occasionally, if he's driving or cooking or something ? and he doesn't answer mine except in the same circumstances. If mine rings and I'm upstairs/in another room he'll pick it up and come to find me but not answer it. Again, that's the same for him.

With computers, we just ask each other if we can use them. Although again, it doesn't come up often; only if one of us is playing music through our laptop or something, and I want to skip some dreadful bleepy shite he's playing move to the next track. But neither of us would leap to delete or hide stuff from each other. I'm sorry to say it sounds a bit suspicious to me. Hope it's nothing though and he's just weird and possessive.

mh85 · 08/09/2011 16:25

OK you're going to need to find out where he keeps it overnight hun - this isn't normal! Does he leave it on overnight? If so, dial it from an unknown number and listen out for it... you have got to get your hands on that phone!!! Can you try and do it tonight? Will do best to help you find things and help you if you do!!

alarkaspree · 08/09/2011 16:26

My dh is totally open about his phone and email - when he goes away he has been known to ask me if he's had any interesting emails! I don't know, because I don't look at his email. But I suppose I like the fact that I could. I leave my email open on my computer and readily available to him but I really don't like him reading it, just because it's personal. I don't necessarily want him to read my correspondence with, for example, my sister. There's nothing wrong with it but I'm just more private than dh is.

I would find the OP's OH's behaviour very suspicious, sorry.

mh85 · 08/09/2011 16:32

Find it - you have to! Do it tonight... whatever it takes - go to bed before him, see where he puts it and wait for him to fall asleep.

Does he text much when he's around you? Does he keep his phone on silent? That's another sign!!

MilkandWine · 08/09/2011 16:34

I don't think his behaviour is normal and I would be very suspicious of a partner who carried their mobile everywhere and never left it within my view.

My ex would happily let me answer his phone if it rang and he was in next room or whatnot.

A partner taking his phone into the bathroom with him would make me VERY suspicious indeed. I mean why the hell would you need to?

I would be taking the first chance I could get to have a look through it MPC. I don't condone snooping without just cause but in this case I think you have a right to be concerned. Although clearly I hope I'm wrong.

create · 08/09/2011 16:43

Hmm. DH leaves his phone lying around and I'd have plenty of opportunity to look, but I don't. I just seems to me that you shouldn't. It's a bit like opening his post. I generally know what it is from the envelope and know there's nothing there I shouldn't/won't see eventually, it just doesn't seem right to open it for him. Although there's no reason for him not to I'd be put out if DH answered my phone/ looked at my texts in the same way that I wouldn't expect him to open my post.

Your DH does seem unusually protective though. Have you talked about it? i.e.does he know you think it's odd / has he had an opportunity to come up with a story tell you why he doesn't want you near his phone?

Original poster
MutantPubicCrabs · 08/09/2011 16:48

He does sometimes keep it on silent but says he has to because of work which is rational I suppose. When the sound is on, if it beeps he tilts it away from me before reading the text or actually stands up and walks off to read it. I have said to him that I find it all odd and suspicious but naturally I get called paranoid.

OP posts:
mh85 · 08/09/2011 16:49

Don't give him the opportunity to come up with a story... just do it. Question later !

countingto10 · 08/09/2011 16:56

A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. Yes he is being over protective and I would be concerned but it could be anything, gambling (betting sites texting), banks texting etc, etc, all stuff he might not want you to be aware of. My DH had a second, secret mobile to conduct his affair so I had no idea because he wasn't secretive with his phone and had a job where he could be out and about a lot Hmm

MilkandWine · 08/09/2011 16:59

MPC There's only 1 paranoid person in your household and it's your husband who is clearly crapping himself that you will find whatever it is he's hiding on his phone.

Turning your phone away to read a text? Sorry but that just isn't normal behaviour. You need to do some digging.

create · 08/09/2011 17:08

Counting is right, it sounds like he's hiding something, but it doesn't need to be an OW. IME those sort of texts/calls will be made during the working day.

gettingeasier · 08/09/2011 17:09

Sorry found about ow because of hiding /keeping phone with him at all times after always being open with it

LoveInAColdClimate · 08/09/2011 17:13

Sorry, but this sounds v suspicious to me. My DH just uses his work BB as his phone so that has a security code and lots of confidential stuff on it due to nature of work, so I don't have free rein. But if it rings and he's driving or whatever he's happy for me to see who it is and answer it. I would find it weird if a personal phone was kept secret in this way.

notanotherstatistic · 08/09/2011 17:16

I'm sorry, but that was exactly the way my STBX behaved with her phone when she was having an affair. Prior to the affair she had no problem with me using her phone. Has he always been so secretive with it?

There were other behaviours that alerted me to the fact that she was probably having an affair, but secretive phone behaviour coupled with lots of texts at odd hours of the day was pretty much the clincher.

However, as counting says it could be something else he uses his phone for, such as gambling, or porn, that he doesn't want you to know about.

Are there any other aspects of his behaviour that give you cause for concern?

notanotherstatistic · 08/09/2011 17:18

And create the texts to and from the OM occurred even when I (and my DCs) was with her. She said that she was just texting a friend.

NanaNina · 08/09/2011 17:50

My DP always has his mobile with him and he takes it to bed with him (we sleep in separate rooms - we are OAPs!) sometimes it's in his dressing gown pocket. Mind he uses it for all sorts of things, putting in appts, birthdays, reminders of this that and the other. He is a very untidy person but never loses his phone! Sometimes it rings when he's not in the room and I don't answer it because I don't really know how to (!) and I'm not interested anyway. Just tell him it's been ringing.

I never took to mine in the same way - half the time don't know where it is or it isn't charged up etc. He will tell me if I have a text and who its from but doesn't read it - woud be pretty boring to be honest.

However one thing does annoy me and when it rings if TV is on he goes out the room (which is ok) but if he gets a text he reads it and never tells me who it's from. Sometimes I ask and there is always a reasonable answer.
Most times I don't bother because some of the noises is just a reminder not a text. However if I am on the landline he comes into the room and hangs about until he knows who is on the phone - this drives me mad, so I usually stop my conversation and say it's xxxx and then he goes away.

Back to OP - it does sound a bit suspicious. Can you not ask him where he keeps his phone at night? When you tell him you are not happy about him being so secretive, what is his response (I know he says you're paranoid) but how does he say it, what's his body language like. People who are hiding something usually get very defensive to cover their guilt. Honest people remain calm usually and show open palms. I do get the feeling though OP that you are tiptoeing around this issue that is bothering you. Are you wary or afraid of conflict. I think you are going to have to take the bull by the hornes and tell him you've had enough of this secrecy and issue some kind of ultimatum, otherwise you are going to get more and more stressed.

HereIGo · 08/09/2011 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tommy · 08/09/2011 18:03

same here - no phone secrets. Your set up sounds a bit Hmm to me I'm afraid

mayorquimby · 08/09/2011 18:04

I'd have no interest in looking at my oh's phone, and would have serious issues with her going through mine. IT'd just feel like a bit of an invasion of my personal space and as though she didn't trust me.

upahill · 08/09/2011 18:13

I know I have already answered but thinking about it I have sat with Dh and his phone has been nearby and I have played about with it going through his contacts saying 'who is Karen W?' ' Who is Peter D?' Is Mark J the one I met at ...... and so on. Only because I was bored and fidgeting.
I have no problems if he did the same at any time.

Hulababy · 08/09/2011 18:13

DH leaves his mobile on the side int he kitchen whenever he is in the house. If he gets a text or email he doesn't jump up straight away to get it like I would; it's normally me reminding him he's had a message later on.

He got a new phone yesterday so me and 9y DD were playing around with it yesterday showing him how to use it.

I am more protective over my phone and I definitely have nothing to hide.

If DH suddenly become protective over his phone it would alarm me in that he has never been beforehand, so I would be curious as to why he was now.

DumSpiroSpero · 08/09/2011 18:20

Both of our phones (same model) have touch pad locking. I have been known to get quite antsy about him getting hold of it and tbh am even more precious about my recently acquired laptop. There are several reasons, one admittedly is that there are things on them he wouldn't appreciate - not an affair or anything, just stuff that is very personal to me that he simply wouldn't 'get' (we are chalk & cheese) and would just cause unnecessary aggro for no good reason.
As far as the laptop goes - I write as a hobby and again, it's stuff that's quite personal. I also like being able to have my social networking sites logged in without worrying that he or DD will be nosing about.
Finally, I'm an only child & I just love my own space & privacy. I already have to share a house and a bedroom, laptop & phone are mine...all mine!

clam · 08/09/2011 20:46

My DH is an absolute technophobe. He is hopeless with phones - asks me how to do stuff on it all the time. Can't access voicemail and invariably needs help texting! He'll start one, make a mistake, forget how to delete or get rid of weird predictive text so asks me to finish off for him. He leaves it around all the time and never knows where it is.
Easy to snoop but it's all terribly dull.

MrPinkSoundsLikeMrPussy · 08/09/2011 20:56

DH leaves his phone on the kitchen worktop and mine is normally half dead in the bottom of my handbag.

I agree that you need to get hold of it and have a little look.

Strangedays · 08/09/2011 21:31

Sorry OP I would be very suspicious. Bear in mind, though, that he might delete texts he wouldn't want you to see as he went along. Perhaps cleverer people here would know whether there's a way around that.