Hi
Really need some advice at the moment - this may take a while so I'll try and keep it brief!
Been in a relationship for 5 years.... always had problems with intimacy as he just didn't seem interested - maybe 4 or 5 times a year, max? I'm 26 now and feel like I've completely lost out.
Thought things would get better by moving in together.. so bought a house just over a year ago. No change...
Then got engaged last year - not even that night did anything happen :(
He's blamed EVERYTHING but his attitude - even my weight being an issue (which he's backtracked on now), being tired, being unwell (he has an intestinal disease which I've always been supportive of), calling it a chore, boring, no time... the lot.
What hurts me even more is that when I go to kiss him he just pushes me away - I smoke and often he says 'you smell'... which is rich, coming from someone who often forgets/can't be bothered to clean his teeth!!
He texts other girls, calls other girls, i/m's other girls, watches porn, arranges to meet up with other girls (although I have no evidence to prove that he has actually done this) but some condoms went missing a couple of months ago - he swears he didn't take them, put doubt in my mind and now I'll never know...
It all started really about 1 year into the relationship - with one girl in particular (lets call her girl X). He'd sent her some messages on f/b while I was away at Uni finishing my degree. He's since told me that he had feelings for this girl before he got with me and did it for an ego boost - just wanting to know if he could get her if he wanted her.
After that, there were many many others, dirty texts, flirting... he could never keep his eyes straight ahead if a pretty girl walked past & it made me feel worse because he just didn't show me any affection at all.
So that's the background - well, most of it. You should probably know that when I get upset I get realllllly p*ssed off, and I have a bit of a mouth on me - I've said some horrible things to him, which he says has made it worse.
Last week it came to a head - again. Similar situation a couple of months back, I just couldn't take it anymore but we ended up giving it one last try. He failed. Big time. Nothing had happened at all since the last arguement - he'd cooked a little more but no affection, no intimacy - and I'd found out that he'd been texting girls while we were arguing. We just stopped talking.
So I ended it.... a week and 3 days ago. I wrote him a letter as we just couldn't talk, and I handed it over when he asked what I wanted for my birthday.
He left, went back to his mums... came over after a week to discuss the house and our pets, agreed to a payout. Both my parents were there. In the meantime, or after this discussion I should say, I saw a message on f/b from girl X - saying 'are you still coming over :-) I was SO hurt that I gave them both a piece of my mind.
He came over the next day, begged for another chance - I told him no, that he'd used all his chances and then some. He'd said that he'd been set up, the usual..... lies lies and more lies. Said things would change, that he'd 'seen the future'. Whole load of BS.
He then told me that until I give him another chance, he's not signing anything and would force the sale of our property. I've been completely logical, offered him ample - and said he can keep our dogs (who I'm very attatched to and it's going to break my heart letting them go). I put more into the house deposit than him, he couldn't afford to buy me out if he wanted to, although the mortgage and bills are 50/50. I have great parents : )
My confidence has been shot to pieces over the past 5 years with constant rejection and upset from him doing this to me. I've cancelled the wedding, written up a terms of separation for the solicitor to go through and just want to get things moving.
The trouble is, he's not spoken to me at all in 3 days. The last I heard from him was a text message saying 'f**k you, just go and die'... this, after a message from me asking him to think about the offer before he makes any snap decisions.
I've tried to text him, just asking if he's OK but no reply.
So I have some questions for you guys and I hope you can help me - feeling pretty numb at the moment but upset, angry, relieved, worried... just about every emotion i've ever experienced all rolled into one!
Why do you think he's ignoring me? I can't DO anything until he comes back with a response to the offer...
Why do you think he had this problem in the first place?
How can I get my confidence back?
Would you have done the same as I have?
Is every man like this? My male friends, from a similar upbringing to this guy say yes, and that I'm 'too old fashioned' to think that I can find someone who has respect for me and won't treat me in the same way...
PLEASE if you can help me understand all this I would be so so grateful - I'm going out of my mind with this although I'm not quite sure why.