Relationship with no intimacy or affection - and he's texting other women...

[mh85]

Hi

Really need some advice at the moment - this may take a while so I'll try and keep it brief!

Been in a relationship for 5 years.... always had problems with intimacy as he just didn't seem interested - maybe 4 or 5 times a year, max? I'm 26 now and feel like I've completely lost out.

Thought things would get better by moving in together.. so bought a house just over a year ago. No change...

Then got engaged last year - not even that night did anything happen :(

He's blamed EVERYTHING but his attitude - even my weight being an issue (which he's backtracked on now), being tired, being unwell (he has an intestinal disease which I've always been supportive of), calling it a chore, boring, no time... the lot.

What hurts me even more is that when I go to kiss him he just pushes me away - I smoke and often he says 'you smell'... which is rich, coming from someone who often forgets/can't be bothered to clean his teeth!!

He texts other girls, calls other girls, i/m's other girls, watches porn, arranges to meet up with other girls (although I have no evidence to prove that he has actually done this) but some condoms went missing a couple of months ago - he swears he didn't take them, put doubt in my mind and now I'll never know...

It all started really about 1 year into the relationship - with one girl in particular (lets call her girl X). He'd sent her some messages on f/b while I was away at Uni finishing my degree. He's since told me that he had feelings for this girl before he got with me and did it for an ego boost - just wanting to know if he could get her if he wanted her.

After that, there were many many others, dirty texts, flirting... he could never keep his eyes straight ahead if a pretty girl walked past & it made me feel worse because he just didn't show me any affection at all.

So that's the background - well, most of it. You should probably know that when I get upset I get realllllly p*ssed off, and I have a bit of a mouth on me - I've said some horrible things to him, which he says has made it worse.

Last week it came to a head - again. Similar situation a couple of months back, I just couldn't take it anymore but we ended up giving it one last try. He failed. Big time. Nothing had happened at all since the last arguement - he'd cooked a little more but no affection, no intimacy - and I'd found out that he'd been texting girls while we were arguing. We just stopped talking.

So I ended it.... a week and 3 days ago. I wrote him a letter as we just couldn't talk, and I handed it over when he asked what I wanted for my birthday.

He left, went back to his mums... came over after a week to discuss the house and our pets, agreed to a payout. Both my parents were there. In the meantime, or after this discussion I should say, I saw a message on f/b from girl X - saying 'are you still coming over :-) I was SO hurt that I gave them both a piece of my mind.

He came over the next day, begged for another chance - I told him no, that he'd used all his chances and then some. He'd said that he'd been set up, the usual..... lies lies and more lies. Said things would change, that he'd 'seen the future'. Whole load of BS.

He then told me that until I give him another chance, he's not signing anything and would force the sale of our property. I've been completely logical, offered him ample - and said he can keep our dogs (who I'm very attatched to and it's going to break my heart letting them go). I put more into the house deposit than him, he couldn't afford to buy me out if he wanted to, although the mortgage and bills are 50/50. I have great parents : )

My confidence has been shot to pieces over the past 5 years with constant rejection and upset from him doing this to me. I've cancelled the wedding, written up a terms of separation for the solicitor to go through and just want to get things moving.

The trouble is, he's not spoken to me at all in 3 days. The last I heard from him was a text message saying 'f**k you, just go and die'... this, after a message from me asking him to think about the offer before he makes any snap decisions.

I've tried to text him, just asking if he's OK but no reply.

So I have some questions for you guys and I hope you can help me - feeling pretty numb at the moment but upset, angry, relieved, worried... just about every emotion i've ever experienced all rolled into one!

Why do you think he's ignoring me? I can't DO anything until he comes back with a response to the offer...

Why do you think he had this problem in the first place?

How can I get my confidence back?

Would you have done the same as I have?

Is every man like this? My male friends, from a similar upbringing to this guy say yes, and that I'm 'too old fashioned' to think that I can find someone who has respect for me and won't treat me in the same way...

PLEASE if you can help me understand all this I would be so so grateful - I'm going out of my mind with this although I'm not quite sure why.

Agree with all of the above, but...

as for 'peeing straight' - there are some limits to what you should expect from us...

You do deserve better and it's not too late to start putting your own self first

:D

When I was younger and used to be attracted to idiots - I found it helpful to look around me for good examples of nice men - and happy relationships. Lots of women have lovely partners - I do, many of my friends do. I think you need to ditch your male friends as well - because birds of a feather and all that - my boyfriends friends are all good men too - he wouldn't hang out with twats like that.....

Have a think about how you can get out and meet some new people, perhaps through a new hobby/ sport/ whatever - if you think that you know a lot of areseholes.... ! it might be that your life needs a good old clean up - and I agree with Anyfucker about the feminism.....

I bet lots of your female friends think your boyfriend is a twat - it usually turns out that way - so, you should be careful not to only listen to men. Many women on here will tell you that they have lovely partners - believe them.....

also - its not up to men to dictate what is and isn't reasonable - its up to you. YOu decide the kind of man you want to be with, then you find him - its that simple. Honestly. Once you are clear in your mind about the high standards you now have - and it will take a whlie to sort all this out in your head - you will quickly dismiss the idiots ...

Didn't read all the detail in OP (cooking supper !)
But just wanted to say, you're young, you've made a great decision to move on from this relationship. If you choose wisely (some lovely men out there !) the future is going to be much better ! Lots of people have a tricky time in their twenties. Don't forget how young you are Be kind to yourself !

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to wasters, I was for a long time. Then I met the ultimate waster and haven't looked back since. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to realise you don't ever want to be there again. Now I am with someone is is just amazing, we are best friends and he never ever makes me feel worthless. He also knows that I wouldn't let him and would rather be alone then in an abusive relationship.

Waterrat (i'm op sis) - he IS a twat and all our mutual frueds think the same- male and female. Thanks AF - knew you'd make her chuckle!

mrstired well done for dragging her on here introducing her to MN!

I am so glad to hear that she has you by her side. So often twats like these charm everyone around their poor beleaguered victim and she is made out to look the loon. Glad to see you are able to see through it and him!

If you and all your friends feel the same, just keep reminding her that he's a twat, and she'll get it.

mrstired, could you give your sis an introductory walk around the Feminism board ?

is it you talking to this twat on FB ?

why ?

don't you think it would be better just to give him the Arctic Shoulder ?

people who play games get burned...

Unfortunately I think he has the potential to turn nasty- sis asked me to txt to try to "smooth" things. Personally i can't wait for to be completely rid of the bastard. Sis has turned from a feisty lass to a doormat in 5 years - it sounds very selfish and i know she's hurting but its lovely to be getting my sis back

yes, get your sis back and both of you cut this twat right out of your life

seriously

I think mango hit the nail on the head... I think a lot of twattish men prey on the fact that there are women that would rather put up with a bad relationship than be single, so they know that they can get away with all kinds of horrible behaviour because their woman won't actually walk away.

Being single is so much better than being treated like shit.

Today I am really struggling to come to terms with all this.... I had a phone call from him last night - he apologised for his behaviour, said he'd do whatever I wanted regarding solicitors etc and just asked to give him some time to collect his things, get himself somewhere else to live and have time to take the dogs.

I really don't want him taking the dogs, but I can't afford them on my own and keep thinking how much of an impact on my social life they'll have - and I need some ME time, big time.

I know I'm doing the right thing but I'm still so hurt and angry... keep finding myself thinking what he's doing, who he's texting now, where he's going... it's like he's able to go out and have fun but I'm just all over the place... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I just want to slap the crap out of him!!!!!!!!

You are worth so much more MH85! So much more. You sound lovely.

I hope things go smoothly and if they don't, you'll get some great support here.

One thing though I'd like to say - don't let him have your dogs and don't give him more than he put into the house.

He doesn't deserve it, you don't need to do this creep any favours and if he takes your animals you might never get over it (I know I wouldn't).

Do what is right for you - you sound like you want to keep your dogs so do that, he lost any rights to your relationship by treating you like shit for so long.

NO NO at all, most men are thousand million better than this one. he is probably rather controlling, and wants to put you down, so getting rid of him is the best you ever done, do not bother to contact him anymore, to sort your finances check with a solicitor, or rent the property out or some rooms if you need to, he will have to sort it at some point, so he will be contacting you, stop checking at his facebook, and concentrate on yourself, go back to meet your girl friends, and never ever see again those male 'friends' of yours. No texting asking how is he, nothing nothing, only about the house if he contacts you, and give time to yourself, go out as much as you can. Good good luck, and well done to you[smie]

Ahhh up and down up and down go the emotions! Two weeks on Monday he'll have been gone.. Literally every couple of hours my moods changing! Am ok at the moment!

Been in contact with my old councillor that I saw when I was a teenager... Maybe she'll be able to help me get a grip especially if she knows my past?

Thanks guys for all your help with this - will get myself sorted out with house etc, get up and on with my life and get the hell over this little prick that's been ruining my life for so long

Xx

Your doing good mh
Get some hobbies join an evening class make new friends just keep busy
Will stop you thinking about the twat and you will feel better soon.

Welllllll here's the update ! He's been gone for one month exactly today. I'm doing OK - collected the wedding dress, even tried it on without crying. Go me! Just still hurting that he's probably out texting other women or worse and I feel like shit!

Ho-Hum though - had a week off work and re-arranged the living room. Threw out everything he's given to me which has made me feel heaps better - now just that separation agreement to sign!

Thanks everyone for your support - you have really really helped me through my toughest time

X

hi there, mh

I am so, so glad you are still apart, and staying apart

You won't always feel like shit

You should feel bloody proud of yourself for not going on bended knee to him

Hang in there....things can only get better....and would have got progressively and infinitely worse had you stayed with him

Well done MH85. Rest assured, most blokes are not like this. Oh, you rock. I just wanted to say that last bit. Well done on getting away and staying away. Long may it continue.

MH85 well done, there has been the best advice given to you from the Cream of MN, you won't get better anywhere . When I read of the crap some low life's dish out to their partners , it makes me so sad ,I have seen it where I work ,& yes there are more good men out there than bad ones. Best wishes.

Hi, MH. I am a bloke. And no, we are most certainly not like the twunt you've been unlucky enough to find. Don't look back from here on - you are doing great.

In time, you will find someone who will adore the ground you walk and realise that most of us are actually not like you have experienced. Like most blokes, I adore intimacy with my g/f, wife etc and that intimacy should be mutual and spontaneous. That is normal and should be the least you should expect.

Keep strong but do find time for yourself. I guess you have been focusing on twunt for far too long. Go and get your nails done, have a spa day or some similar pampering (if you can afford it). Re-connect with your girlfriends and have fun again. If things are tight, invite a load of your mates round for a home cooked meal and drinks.
Do things for you and have fun. Twunt will soon be a distant memory.

Take care.
Betty X

There most definitely are many decent blokes out there

there are so many nice men who would love to have a relationship with you, Im sure.
The longer you live alone and enjoy it, and enjoy your own company, and have a good and happy social and work life, the higher your expectations and standards will get, and you wont want to give it all up unless its someone special who treats you well. I always remember my best (male) friend telling me that relationships are supposed to add to your life, not take away from it, and when you meet the right person life just seems simple. Bit rose tinted, but you get the picture!

Thanks guys & girls..... Feminist section here I come (see you there AnyFucker : ) )
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