Relationship with no intimacy or affection - and he's texting other women...

[mh85]

Hi

Really need some advice at the moment - this may take a while so I'll try and keep it brief!

Been in a relationship for 5 years.... always had problems with intimacy as he just didn't seem interested - maybe 4 or 5 times a year, max? I'm 26 now and feel like I've completely lost out.

Thought things would get better by moving in together.. so bought a house just over a year ago. No change...

Then got engaged last year - not even that night did anything happen :(

He's blamed EVERYTHING but his attitude - even my weight being an issue (which he's backtracked on now), being tired, being unwell (he has an intestinal disease which I've always been supportive of), calling it a chore, boring, no time... the lot.

What hurts me even more is that when I go to kiss him he just pushes me away - I smoke and often he says 'you smell'... which is rich, coming from someone who often forgets/can't be bothered to clean his teeth!!

He texts other girls, calls other girls, i/m's other girls, watches porn, arranges to meet up with other girls (although I have no evidence to prove that he has actually done this) but some condoms went missing a couple of months ago - he swears he didn't take them, put doubt in my mind and now I'll never know...

It all started really about 1 year into the relationship - with one girl in particular (lets call her girl X). He'd sent her some messages on f/b while I was away at Uni finishing my degree. He's since told me that he had feelings for this girl before he got with me and did it for an ego boost - just wanting to know if he could get her if he wanted her.

After that, there were many many others, dirty texts, flirting... he could never keep his eyes straight ahead if a pretty girl walked past & it made me feel worse because he just didn't show me any affection at all.

So that's the background - well, most of it. You should probably know that when I get upset I get realllllly p*ssed off, and I have a bit of a mouth on me - I've said some horrible things to him, which he says has made it worse.

Last week it came to a head - again. Similar situation a couple of months back, I just couldn't take it anymore but we ended up giving it one last try. He failed. Big time. Nothing had happened at all since the last arguement - he'd cooked a little more but no affection, no intimacy - and I'd found out that he'd been texting girls while we were arguing. We just stopped talking.

So I ended it.... a week and 3 days ago. I wrote him a letter as we just couldn't talk, and I handed it over when he asked what I wanted for my birthday.

He left, went back to his mums... came over after a week to discuss the house and our pets, agreed to a payout. Both my parents were there. In the meantime, or after this discussion I should say, I saw a message on f/b from girl X - saying 'are you still coming over :-) I was SO hurt that I gave them both a piece of my mind.

He came over the next day, begged for another chance - I told him no, that he'd used all his chances and then some. He'd said that he'd been set up, the usual..... lies lies and more lies. Said things would change, that he'd 'seen the future'. Whole load of BS.

He then told me that until I give him another chance, he's not signing anything and would force the sale of our property. I've been completely logical, offered him ample - and said he can keep our dogs (who I'm very attatched to and it's going to break my heart letting them go). I put more into the house deposit than him, he couldn't afford to buy me out if he wanted to, although the mortgage and bills are 50/50. I have great parents : )

My confidence has been shot to pieces over the past 5 years with constant rejection and upset from him doing this to me. I've cancelled the wedding, written up a terms of separation for the solicitor to go through and just want to get things moving.

The trouble is, he's not spoken to me at all in 3 days. The last I heard from him was a text message saying 'f**k you, just go and die'... this, after a message from me asking him to think about the offer before he makes any snap decisions.

I've tried to text him, just asking if he's OK but no reply.

So I have some questions for you guys and I hope you can help me - feeling pretty numb at the moment but upset, angry, relieved, worried... just about every emotion i've ever experienced all rolled into one!

Why do you think he's ignoring me? I can't DO anything until he comes back with a response to the offer...

Why do you think he had this problem in the first place?

How can I get my confidence back?

Would you have done the same as I have?

Is every man like this? My male friends, from a similar upbringing to this guy say yes, and that I'm 'too old fashioned' to think that I can find someone who has respect for me and won't treat me in the same way...

PLEASE if you can help me understand all this I would be so so grateful - I'm going out of my mind with this although I'm not quite sure why.

Hmm, because he's a wanker to be honest... That about sums it up.

Yes, we can be crude, rude and unattractive - but that's generally with each other and the vast majority of us (men) have some understanding that we should treat anyone, most of all family/lovers etc with respect.

He's a twat and his friends are likewise wankers - excuse the language.

Change your social circle, believe in yourself, and take great pleasure in realising that you have escaped in good time. Now go and enjoy yourself.

Who knows why he is how he is? Quite frankly that's his problem, don't waste your time trying to work that one out. Maybe he had a difficult childhood, maybe he's just a selfish twat. Irrelevant really, he's not gonna change.

Wishing you all the best, you will so much happier without him.x

He is trying to control and manipulate the situation by refusing to communicate in an adult way. As others have said, don't rise to it, don't give him what he is after, remain no contact and dignified, set a deadline and if you haven't heard from him by that time instruct a solicitor to do the communicating on your behalf. It will save you a lot of stress and heartache in the long run. You can't deal reasonably with a man who is unreasonable so don't waste your energy.

He is behaving the way he is because he has lost control, you aren't doing things the way he wants you to so he is reacting to that. But as JaceyBee says, that's not your problem so don't make it so. You cannot change or control the way another person behaves but you can control the way you react and respond.

"Is every man like this? My male friends, from a similar upbringing to this guy say yes, and that I'm 'too old fashioned' to think that I can find someone who has respect for me and won't treat me in the same way..."

I would consider getting yourself some new friends as this is utter bollocks. You have made the right decision in leaving this relationship. Don't go back, no matter what he says. You are 26, so young and you should be with someone who can't keep his hands or his eyes off you.

MrMeaner it's so nice to hear a comment from a man that he's actually just a twat! You have no idea how much better that comment has made me feel! THANK YOU!!!

Most men are certainly not like this! Congratulations on getting out of this ghastly relationship with this totally vile man.

Unless I've missed anything, I don't think the delay in him agreeing terms is too much of a big deal for you? Of course you want it all sorted and him off the deeds/mortgage, but in the meantime you are living where you want. I don't think he can force a sale singlehandedly (but do get legal advice). If he wants to play silly buggers and delay getting a payout from you, then that's his problem, isn't it? Delete his contact details, delete him from FB and communicate only via solicitor from here onwards.

I think you should do some counselling or something to help you rebuild your self-image. When you have another relationship, if things aren't right you need to know you're strong enough and deserve enough to end it (or take steps back until it's sorted), rather than getting in deeper and deeper in efforts to make it work.

Vis the house, get legal advice and let a solicitor deal with him.

And no, all men are not like this.

OP - instead of trying to work out why he is a twat, I think you should focus on yourself. His behaviour is not personal - that is the most important thing to remember. It's not an attack on you, or related in any way to you - he is just him, he is a twat at all times, with all people - perhaps some of them don't mind because they are also twats. His life is sad, but yours does not have to be.

If you can afford it I would suggest you have some counselling/ therapy for yourself - BACP website will find someone near you - and have a real look at why you have stayed with someone, for so long, who has madeyou unhappy. Did your lack of confidence and low expectations of men come from your childhood? What did you learn about relationships growing up?

A good starting point, if you cant afford the therapy is a book called They Fuck You Up, by Oliver James, about how early childhood shapes the way we end up behaving in relationships and who we are attracted to - basically, if your dad was an arse, you are more likely to end up with an arse for a partner...sad, but true.

anyway, the main point is - your energy should go towards working out why you have got to this point - and how to ensure you never put up with this crap again - do not dwell on why he is this way.....good luck and here's to a bright future!

I'm not toooooo sure where it's come from tbh - my dad's amazing - parents been married for 35 years, no issues... and I want something like that for myself!

At school (and still now...) I was overweight - not hugely abnormal and I'm no where near as overweight as some - in fact sod it, I'm happy with myself, could do with loosing a bit but i'm not an ugly girl!!! I got bullied hugely at that point - you know the kind of crap kids come out with... never have a bf, youre fat, youre ugly.... then it really turned personal when they'd come to my house and throw eggs at it, order pizza to my house without me knowing, abusive phone calls.... to cut the story short I spent 2 years in councelling to overcome it.

Then I met BF #1. Had a good intimate life, but mine was worse than his... he ended up shagging my best mate and pretty much any other girl that showed an interest. That lasted for a couple of years I suppose - maybe even 3?!

In between relationships I dated a few guys - one of which claimed to be a vampire... what I was doing God only knows... but I was young, ashamed now! Then there was a chef... he turned out to be Bi and I felt like I'd put him off women for life! Then an older man... not married, but kids... nothing serious but I felt kind of rejected by him. Then back to my ex for a couple of nights... met BF #2 and the rest is mentioned above!

Could do with some councelling again perhaps - try and get to the reasoning behind it but I guess now it's pretty clear... maybe I think I can't do any better, stuck with BF #2 because hey, at least he was better (slightly) than #1 who couldn't even hold down a job!

aw, op, sounds like you have had a rough time...you got picked on by some nasty people, then met some losers and began to take it personally - and feel down on yourself. we have all been there - and yes, it ends up with you thinking you cant do better. But you can - and a lot of rejection is wearing on the spirit - but you know, the key is to be much tougher, and as soon as you aren't happy, make them walk .....work out what you want, then don't stand for less.

counselling is brilliant..I really recommend it for sorting out stuff like this and building confidence

Do you think I'm asking too much? Just for some respect, affection, ambition and ability to help me in the house? At least to pee straight - that would be great! And not throw crisp packets and ice lolly wrappers everywhere but the bin?

I'm thinking i've been a BIG pillock for allowing this for SO long.... living in hope that one day it may just get better. But is what I'm asking TOO much?

No, if anything your requirements are pretty low . There are great men out there, you just seem to have met some poor specimens.

I really do think you need to work through some things and make sure you won't settle for poor treatment from guys in future. Put more value on yourself.

Just got a message from my sis... from this guy (think she asked how he was?)

I am OK thanks. I am not very good at emotional pain so i tend to pretend it ain't there, so when all this is over could you please show mh85 this text and tell her I am so sorry, she has finally opened my eyes to a few things and I will always love her and be here for her for ever. Despite the fact I am going to be very cold and non emotional towards her, I don't mean it but if I don't act like this, I will drown in my own tears, So I am sorry. Thank you sis, I hope your OK and everyone is well x x

What a load of BS. Always the same response to all our arguements. Says sorry then it all starts again. I'm SO SO angry! So glad I cancelled our wedding day, living with that for one more day would have just been a nightmare :(

Manipulative.

OP, less than half-way through your first post I was asking myself why you stayed in this relationship, because I could see no reason at all.

As to your questions:
"Why do you think he's ignoring me? I can't DO anything until he comes back with a response to the offer..."
You've answered your own question. So that you can't do anything, to keep control in his hands.

"Why do you think he had this problem in the first place?" Because he's a fuckwit. The real question is why you put up with it for so long, but your later posts address this, don't they?

"How can I get my confidence back?" By completely removing him from your life.

"Would you have done the same as I have?" Yes, but a lot sooner.

"Is every man like this?" God, NO!! Most of them are lovely.

"My male friends, from a similar upbringing to this guy say yes, and that I'm 'too old fashioned' to think that I can find someone who has respect for me and won't treat me in the same way..." They are not friends. Hell, they are barely male.

You removed some control from him when you blocked him on FB. And look what reaction you caused! You can get rid, you will feel so much better when it is complete.

With regards to the house, you probably need to contact a solicitor. A nice official-sounding letter might well be all it takes.

I totally agree with WhereYouLeftIt, but I would add that maybe you need to be single for a while (meaning at least 6 months) as it seems to me that some time to concentrate on you, would make you a little more discerning when you do go back to dating. I think a fear of being single can lead women to make bad relationship choices and accept pretty shoddy treatment from men.

He sounds vile!! Well done on having the balls to get rid!

PS - ask a solicitor to write the offer, they might be able to write a "please respond within 30 days or - " type letter?

He sounds like a nasty bit of work but why on earth did you put so much effort into pursuing and maintaining a relationship with such a knobboid in the first place? You say he was never very interested, yet you put in 80% of the deposit for a house and basically scurried round trying to please him for five years. It seems feasible to me that he has never been very bothered about you but appreciated a cozy billet and his dinner cooked, started to resent you, wanted to leave and then realised he'd have to do his own housework so tried to crawl back.
As FI says, once you have taken legal advice and sorted out what happens re the house, you should commit to being single for a good long time while you work on your self esteem and your boundaries. Because it is bullshit that any man is better than no man at all. Yes, there are nice men out there, but unless you encounter one who is a) nice b) interested in a relationship with you, it's far far better to remain single.

Oh thank fuck you are not marrying this guy

He is a moral vacuum, a user of young women, an emotional vampire

Now, I have some advice for you

Please come and have a look at the Feminism board. You don't need to post yet (in fact I would advise you not to just yet) but you need to learn some lessons about the fact that men are not superior beings that women must devote their lives to just because they have a penis

Who taught you that women should make all the sacrifices and having any man is better than being single ? Who planted the idea that all men have to do is just be a little bit nice at the beginning of a relationship and then do no more ? What on earth made you think this guy was ever a good partner, a decent human being, even ?

I just don't know where to start about how fucked-up your thinking is. You have acted like an utter mug for years...have a bloody good think (perhaps with the aid of a counsellor) about why your standards are so low you would let any man treat with so much cruel disrespect. And why your response to that was to keep throwing away some of the best years of your life on someone who is not worth the shit on your shoe

Also

Do not ever get back with him. Do not listen to begging, cajoling, crying and empty promises. They are bullshit.

Why do value the opinions of men more highly than those of women?

Loads of women tell you thus guy is a twat, but it takes MrMean to convince you.

You took the word of your (dickwad) male friends on what men were like. What did your women friends say?

When I dumped my x, he asked me a million times to reconsider. what would it take etc.

But the fact is, why on earth would you want to go back to this creep? really?

He is pissing about with other women, mean to you, no sex, no care, no affection, nothing! He is a total turd, a wanker, a twat. You would be better off alone than with this plum.

If you can afford to keep up the mortgage on your own, then keep the house, remortgage and buy him out. If not, get a lodger.

you need to do a lot of thinking, a lot of getting to know yourself and loving you for you.

You need to tell your sister that she needs to back off and out of this sitation too. If he is 'friends' with her, you need to scale down all access to info that she can see and therefore him, or at least set your security settings to friends ONLY.

Ahh AnyFucker I've heard about you from my sis - she suggested I came on here actually. Not only have you made me chuckle but you've also made me really really think. I do genuinely believe that I have a low standard with regard to men - I guess if you read up a bit it's come from my younger years - I've had a look on some sites to see if I can get myself into some councelling... Improve my thought pattern a little!

I guess I'm listening to MrMeaner because I needed to hear from a man that not all men are like that - so many women end up with people like this and I just guessed that if theres ONE, there's bound dto be more?! if that makes any sense at all....?

Re the sis, I guess this is a little more difficult - she actually can't stand him.... lureing him into a false sense of security, making him think someone's on his side/concerned. But I'll leave that with her 'cos I trust her and I know exactly where she stands... right next to me!

Thanks everyone for all of your support - I know I've been a bit of a mug living on hope for the past god-knows-how-long and yeah, you know what? I deserve better!