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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how long would you give your ex partner to move out?

95 replies

lovenit · 06/09/2011 16:32

I've been in a relationship for 2 and half years and lived with him for 6 months. Its not been a healthy relationship and now I've finally found the strength to end it, its my house everything in my name and he has his own house not far away. I need him to leave NOW! But he won't go says he needs to make his home homely before he leaves etc, wants to live here another month or so, and his kids are due to come here at the weekend!!!??? I won't be here, as I'm visiting family, but is this taking the piss or what? I said he can't continue to live here for nothing its not fair, but he's calling me a cold bitch for chucking him out. Am I ?should I be giving him longer, he has got stuff here, but he's making no attempt to move stuff out or make his house more homely as he puts it. He says I need to get real????

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 09/09/2011 08:56

All this tragic "can't live without you" stuff, it's simply not true. He can live perfectly well without you, and he will. Annie's Crystal Ball says once he has grasped that you can't be fooled into taking him back he will have another woman on his arm within the week.

You, on the other hand, will live a whole lot better without him.

TeachMySelfBalance · 09/09/2011 12:21

If the suicide threat has you rattled just tell him to do it outside and to not make too much of a mess.

It really is not rude to not listen to people, and this is the perfect circumstance that validates it.

Now is the time for backbone and don't back down a single inch.

TeachMySelfBalance · 09/09/2011 12:45

On my above post-
That is a very dismissive statement to make and ought to get his attention that it is really over.

Just to clarify though, I wouldn't say it too anyone under the age of 24 or so, and also not say it to anyone who was not engaging in a campaign of blatant emotional blackmail.

This is a clear case of emotional blackmail, imho.

Another finalizing statement that worked for me:
"Tell it to the next one."

This can be a repetitive stonewall response to any sound that comes out of his mouth.

Original poster

lovenit · 09/09/2011 14:42

well I was in such a state this morning, after receiving more texts (tried to block but couldn't) and a letter, saying the same old same old. A friend that knows the situation came over and saw the state I was in and said thats it I think you need someone to intervene. She took his number, and told him to stop or the police will be called, and to have his stuff out by tonight. Anyway he's left me alone now and she however is still texting him and receiving them, but she said it doesn't effect her as much as obviously she's not emotionally involved. I also have the support of her partner and another male friend, they are looking into the lock situation now as I speak. So I at least feel I have some support which I needed as I was really struggling with all this. I have lost so much weight and I'm not sleeping wot a nightmare.

OP posts:

sparks · 09/09/2011 15:14

So glad you are getting RL support lovenit.

TeachMySelfBalance · 09/09/2011 16:29

Hang in there Lovenit. The storm will pass, as they say.
I am glad for you that you have people there that will back you up and proactively help you to get him out.

I know that threats are scary. But try to look at it as him being a man-child having a temper tantrum-he's going to say anything to try to wear down the 'parent' and get his spoiled brat own way. Still, you need to take them seriously enough to protect yourself and I think it'd be a good idea to let the police know what is going on regarding the threats for future reference. I don't think there would be any regrets in doing that, but there may be a regret later if you don't make a report now, iyswim.

Go eat some food, you need the energy.
Thinking of you.

twotesttickles · 09/09/2011 16:46

Brilliant that you are getting some practical help. That's what friends are for :)

LydiaWickham · 09/09/2011 16:59

He doesn't mean it about killing himself, if he did, he'd just do it, not threaten you about it.

Good that you have friends that are obviously seeing past the drama and being practical.

Take care of yourself, he'll be out of your life soon.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2011 17:42

So glad you have your friends backing you up on this, hang on in there, the best is yet to come.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/09/2011 18:04

Keep all the texts, go to the police and they will take some of them as evidence, they write them out as part of the complaint.

They will arrest him and caution him for assualt by text message, we did it with DH exp 6 years ago.

Original poster

lovenit · 11/09/2011 20:39

Just wanted to let you know, he has gone, taken his stuff etc. He has also apologised for his behaviour. I feel so relieved !!!! A bit sad but thats just human I suppose, that I've failed another relationship

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 11/09/2011 20:48

I don't think you should look at it as you 'failing' - stopping something that didn't work is a sensible thing and a good thing.

There are better men out there, just make sure you're in a good place emotionally before you start looking again - if that means doing some counselling or something, then so be it. You need to be happy in yourself and value yourself so you don't take any crap from any guy in the future.

TDada · 11/09/2011 21:02

Tell him it's curtains for him...OUT

HerHissyness · 11/09/2011 22:44

YOU didn't fail love.

HE let you down. You refused to be treated like shit. That's GREAT! that is GOOD and you deserve to be treated better.

Have you read Why does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? I think it'd help you.

Original poster

lovenit · 12/09/2011 09:51

Thanks herhissyness I may well look that up x

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 12:20

"A bit sad but thats just human I suppose, that I've failed another relationship"

Oh lovenit, you did NOT fail another relationship, it failed you! HE failed you!You said yourself it was not healthy, and it's pretty clear that that was down to him being a user and a taker.

Do not blame yourself for the failings of others.

I think you need to be relationship-less for a bit, lick your wounds and repair your fuckwit-radar. Life can be so much better for you, and it will be without him.

LydiaWickham · 12/09/2011 12:27

OP - it's better to have loved and lost, than to live with the fuckwit forever.

You didn't fail, you were just brave enough to try, and brave enough to realise it wasn't how you wanted to live your life.

buzzskillington · 12/09/2011 12:27

Lydia

TeachMySelfBalance · 12/09/2011 15:40

That's good news, Lovenit!
You need to celebrate because you made the right decision and you followed though for what was right for you.

The problem was all him, not you, not you, not you.

Original poster

lovenit · 12/09/2011 16:13

I must admit its sooo nice having the house back to myself, getting rid of his rules, doing things my way, letting the children be more free, I feel much better without him!

OP posts:

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