H told me two nights ago he's questioning his sexuality.

[BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony]

I can't believe this is happening to us, and I don't really know where to start. We got together eight years ago, have been married for four, and have a two-year-old DD. Our relationship has had a fair few ups and downs, but I've always taken him back.
For the last four years or so our sex life has been pretty much non-existent, (supposedly) due to his very low sex drive. I have found this very difficult and have tried broaching it gently, tried ignoring it, tried talking about it frankly, tried spicing things up... but nothing has changed. Over the last six months or so, he's acknowledged that this is a problem for me, that it really affects my self-esteem, and that he'll seek medical help... but he hasn't done a thing about it.
I've felt pretty down-trodden about other elements of our relationship too, possibly emotional abuse, and everything came to a head a month or so ago. I just couldn't go on any more, and told him I was leaving. We live overseas and I booked tickets for DD and I to return to the UK. The earliest tickets we could get were for 5 days later. We went, but before we left, H and I made up. Not for the first time, he promised the world to me, told me DD and I were everything to him, and not for the first time I believed him. A week after our break in the UK, things started going bad again. Two nights ago I tried to initiate sex. We didn't really get going, and we started talking. He told me he thinks he might be gay, but isn't sure.
I was pretty shocked when he told me, but must have come across as supportive because he is surprised that today I'm questioning where this leaves us. He thinks our problems are not insurmountable, and that we're both great parents to DD. It would break my heart to take her away from her dad, but what else can I do now really? I'm so very, very sad and alone.

Thank you all for your support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me.

Last night was truly hideous. This morning at breakfast he was acting like nothing had ever happened. He was especially charming and involved with DD, gave me a big hug (I was cringing and rigid, of course) and was asking me all about the arrangements for a fucking dinner party he somehow still expects us to be hosting on Sunday. Fucking dick.

Reasons to leave now:

1. Last night was so bad and I didn't feel at the time this is something we can 'work out' together.

1. I have a history of eating disorders and don't want to let any of that way of thinking begin to creep in, especially not now I have DD. I know the warning signs and if I were in the UK right now, I'd go straight to a BEAT counsellor and get all the safety nets in place as early as possible.

1. I'm married to a cunt.

Reasons to hold out a bit longer:

1. I'm worried that if I leave before we've spoken through our issues, he will remain in denial about any and all of his issues and will become convinced he loves me and can't live without me. He will promise me absolutely everything to try to win me back. If I don't return, he will never forgive me or understand my reasons, and this will make any relationship he has with DD very difficult.

1. My parents are selling their house and moving to a different city over the next few months. The place they are moving to is an obvious place for DD and I to move to as well, in that it's ideally located for travelling to friends up and down the country, and the city itself is gorgeous. I can't get my head around the logistics involved of turning up at my parents' house BEFORE they've moved.

1. I want to feel like I have no option but to leave, so that I'll never live with the regret of taking DD away from her father.

1. On some level, I must still love the aforementioned cunt, or at the very least care for him, especially now that he's so confused.

STD checks and lawyers? Nothing like that had begun to enter my mind. Are things really that bad, do you think?

Bitzer

Been reading your thread and I just want to offer you my thoughts and support.

If your husband is gay (and to be honest it sounds as if that is the case) then you cannot 'help' him work through it. He has to do that for himself and at the moment he clearly does not want to do that. Sorry to sound harsh but that is his problem and not yours. He can promise you whatever he likes but I think you know that they are empty promises, if he is gay he is gay and there is nothing you can do about it.

You cannot stay with a man who is gay, is a sham marriage where you are expected to paint on a smile and have no sex life for the rest of your days. It will destroy you, pure and simple.

You say you do not want to take your DD away from her father. You are not 'taking her away', her father will still be her father and if he is a rational human being then you will be able to work something out. Think about the alternative, do you really want your DD to grow up watching her mother become more and more unhappy ? Because this is what will happen and what does that teach her about relationships? She deserves better, as do you.

Your parents will want to help, if you turned up at theirs today then I am sure they would welcome you with open arms. I say go and go as soon as possible, you need space and time to clear your head and think about what you want to do.

Your history of ED makes you very vulnerable and is, I feel, another reason why you need to remove yourself from the situation. You do not want to go down that dark path, again think of your daughter and the damage seeing her mother suffering an ED will do to her.

You sound like a lovely, kind and compassionate woman, most ladies would not be so understanding in your shoes. Is your husband thankful for your measured response? No he is not, instead he chooses to verbal abuse you, berate you and then continue the head fuck by acting as if nothing has happened. I'm sure he is terrified of loosing his family and that is contributing to his actions but again that is NOT your problem. If you stay with this man you are condemning yourself to a lifetime of insecurity and unhappiness. You deserve so so much more.

Please do take care of yourself, sending you huge hugs and well wishes.

Thank you, MilkandWine. I know that you are right, and I know I would be saying exactly the same to a friend in this situation. It's just that last night, and so many times before when I've been upset about things, I can't get it across to H and he ends up making me feel totally unreasonable.

This has been a pattern for years. I will tell him calmly that I find something upsetting. He will then tell me this is because I'm too sensitive, and that I'm ALWAYS doing this. I will ask him if actually we can talk about the particular something I'm upset about. He will say I'm not a reliable witness to this 'something' anyway, that I'm being far too emotional, that half the time I don't know what I'm on about, that I'll always be half-crazy, that I have to do better than this because otherwise it'll drag him down and affect DD. Up until a few months ago, I would just cry and cry, he'd go out or shut himself up elsewhere in the house. I'd apologise later for my behaviour , sometimes because he'd genuinely convinced me I owed him an apology, sometimes because I just couldn't bear the tension. He'd tell me that my behaviour had shocked him and that he was feeling 'fragile and wary' of me, that he couldn't trust me or my mood swings. He'd then be withdrawn for about a day or so and I'd be walking on egg shells and pandering to his ever whim to get back into his good books. How the hell could I be so stupid? How did I let myself be this manipulated? I thought I was a bigger, stronger person than that. .

What's changed over the last few months is a realisation I owe more to DD. I also became more aware of the possibility that this is emotional abuse, thanks to the relationships board on MN (I've been here for a while, but with a different name). When things got too much last month, I told him I was leaving and meant it. I really did. I felt an enormous amount of relief. Unfortunately the five day interim between this decision and our flights home were absolutely unbearable. One minute he'd be sobbing and pleading, the next he'd be telling me that he'd never, ever forgive me. After three days of this, I just couldn't hack it any longer. I felt so wretched about separating a father and a daughter. DD and I still went to the UK, but only for a holiday. H was so, so nice and loving when we first returned. He kept saying he'd been such a fool, that he'd been treating me awfully but there was no excuse... this lasted ONE WEEK .

How can I make him see that I matter in all of this, too?

How can I make him see that I matter in all of this, too?

Quite frankly: there's a good chance you can't at all. He sounds really rather unwilling to from your description. But that's okay, because it's not your job to make a better person out of your husband. It is your job to look after yourself and above all your daughter.

The more I read about your H the stronger I feel that his sexuality is really of secondary if any importance. He manipulates you, yells at you, makes you lose confidence in yourself etc. Why would you even want to be supportive to this man - rationally speaking, that is, apart from still being emotionally attached to him?

As for separating father and daughter: it's not as though he's being forced to behave like a complete tosser, right? I am also assuming that he has the legal right to take up residence in the UK? If so there's nothing stopping him from moving closer to his child if he cares enough. Don't take all the blame here!

You can't. So, book the flights for while he's out and leave him a note. You can talk later, phone, skype, he can visit you at your parents'. But get out now.

As Notadude and MavisG very rightly say you can't make him see anything. You can only protect your own and your DD emotional well-being.

It sounds as if your husband is severely lacking in empathy and living with a person like that is hellish (I should know, I once went out with one for 5 years) You can cry, you can try and be rational, you can try every way you can think and it will make no difference whatsoever. They will not give a toss, as long as they are getting what they want and the status quo is maintained then that's call they care about.

I agree with Notadude that there are issues even greater than sexuality here. The more you write about your husband the worst he sounds quite frankly. He seems to enjoy watching you jump through hoops to try and prove your worth to him. I would ask what he gives you in return? even if he was straight would his good points be worth putting up with all the EA he enjoys dishing out to you?

With regards to your DD, I will say again that you will be doing the wrong thing if you do NOT remove her from this situation. If your husband cared so much about having his DD with him then he wouldn't treat her mother like shite, simple as. He is using your DD as a bargaining tool to make you stay with him, it's just another manipulative action on his part. I severely doubt that if they were separated his world would fall apart to the extent he makes out. But he wouldn't want you to know that would he?

Book the flights and go, do not give in to his tears, threats, or anything else he throws at you.

Last time I was leaving, he said I had to use those five days to sort through all possessions and arrange a shipment. That would have been impossible here. He said anything I left behind would be thrown out. I don't give a shit about furniture etc., but some things are irreplaceable.

So arrange the shipment to be collected on the same day. Give yourself permission to move on, and do it. It won't be harder than staying, and it'll feel better.

Yes, he's British so would be able to move back too. However, except for a mandatory year in London once every 8 years, his career is by it's very definition one that involves overseas postings. There have been major cuts in funding over recent years, with lots of redundancies, and he's lucky to still have his job. I was working in the same field but made redundant whilst on maternity leave. Ultimately, though, if he really can't live without dd he can move back.

Yes, I'm trying very hard to grant myself permission to leave! It's just terrifying. I wish I could just fast-forward the next few weeks or months and be in a calm space, physically and emotionally, with dd, with belvedere friends and family nearby

BELOVED friends, you crazy phone!

"This has been a pattern for years. I will tell him calmly that I find something upsetting. He will then tell me this is because I'm too sensitive, and that I'm ALWAYS doing this. I will ask him if actually we can talk about the particular something I'm upset about. He will say I'm not a reliable witness to this 'something' anyway, that I'm being far too emotional, that half the time I don't know what I'm on about, that I'll always be half-crazy, that I have to do better than this because otherwise it'll drag him down and affect DD. Up until a few months ago, I would just cry and cry, he'd go out or shut himself up elsewhere in the house. I'd apologise later for my behaviour , sometimes because he'd genuinely convinced me I owed him an apology, sometimes because I just couldn't bear the tension. He'd tell me that my behaviour had shocked him and that he was feeling 'fragile and wary' of me, that he couldn't trust me or my mood swings. He'd then be withdrawn for about a day or so and I'd be walking on egg shells and pandering to his ever whim to get back into his good books."

Oh god, this is all too familiar. I went through exactly this (except I don't have a DD) with my Ex. For a good six years, I felt like I didn't have a right to my own emotions, as I was always being told I was "too sensitive" and just Wrong to feel the way I did. Of course, my Ex could also be really lovely, and when it was good, it was very very good. But when it was bad, it was horrid.

It is TERRIFYING making that decision to leave, Bitzer. I dithered for a good eighteen months longer than I should have, trying to get up the courage. But once I did leave, it was actually a bit easier than I thought it was going to be. Ok, the first three months or so were terrible, albeit with moments of sheery joy at my "escape", but once I'd got through that, it just got better and better and today I'm a lot happier than I ever thought I could be (or deserved to be).

If and when you do make the decision to leave, keep your head down and sort out the practical stuff first of all, lean on your friends and family, and know that you will get through it and out the other side to a place where you can be a bit happier. It will be hard, but you can actually do it.

If you choose to stay, well, unless a miracle happens, it's just going to be more of the same, isn't it?

Big hugs to you missus.

Bullies always blame the upset they cause on the "sensitivity" of their targets.

They do this right from primary school age (or their parents do)

'1. I'm worried that if I leave before we've spoken through our issues, he will remain in denial about any and all of his issues and will become convinced he loves me and can't live without me. He will promise me absolutely everything to try to win me back. If I don't return, he will never forgive me or understand my reasons, and this will make any relationship he has with DD very difficult.'

It is not up to you to facilitate his relationship with DD by sacrificing yourself.

He is in denial now and is highly unlikely to ever open up to you, or to anyone else, ever, about his issues. By highly unlikely, I mean there is a 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000 chance that he will ever tell you the truth. The closest you will get is what he said about his sexuality that has thrown you into this tailspin. A person who is capable of comprehensive deceit of the sort he has engaged in is not able to admit things even to himself.

He will never accept your reasons for leaving. He will never accept that his actions have consequences for him and he will not recognise the fact that you have feelings and that his actions or words will have any effect on you. He will never forgive you for any of your reactions or responses to him.

Staying and trying to establish the sort of intellectual and emotional closure that everyone's brain and being craves deep down, will have the effect of driving you crazy, because you will never get to the bottom of this endless pit. The way to look at it is very simple and it involves accepting that things will not improve down the road (optimism is not your friend right now): Ask yourself, am I happy right now ? Is my life with him doing anything for me today ? Because things do not settle down and get better once the crisis passes. You need to distance yourself and disinvest yourself from the relationship.

.

Take a look at these sites:

outofthefog.net/

samvak.tripod.com/indexqa.html

You are dealing with someone who has no empathy.

Been following your thread Bitzer - no words of wisdom as others have put it far more eloquently than I ever could, but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you and the awful situation your h has put you and your dd in, and hope that you can move on to a better place - both physically and emotionally - very soon.

OP - you wrote 'Last time I was leaving, he said I had to use those five days to sort through all possessions and arrange a shipment.'

He could also say that the sky is purple polka dots with yellow stripes and doctor who faked the Apollo landings.

You do not have to do what he says.

Wishing you all the luck in the world

Hi Bitzer, just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope you are feeling stronger and he isn't bullying you right now. Good luck

Hi
I disappeared for a bit there because DD's been having terrible teething pains, and by the time she was asleep last night I was just too physically and mentally exhausted to do anything except go to bed and sleep. Things have been calm on the H front in that I've hardly seen him, and he's out tonight. He did apologise profusely yesterday evening and tell me just how much he loves me. I didn't fall for it like I would have done in the past, but I didn't have the energy or the desire to talk about stuff either. I just half-smiled and nodded and left the room.
I'm really sorry to hear from so many of you that you've also experienced such abuse, but I'm heartened to hear that you managed to move on. I'm beginning to see I have to do the same.

Hi Bitzer hope DD feeling is better, you should take a good rest for yourself too, you must be worn out

Bitzer... I can understand where you're coming from completely, I've been in the same position as you except for having a child at that time.

I think now that your husband has told you that he's questioning his sexuality, he is actually telling you that he is gay. He's obviously been pondering this for a while and I don't think anybody really just blurts this out without some very painful soul-searching.

I don't see that you'll have to take your DD away from her dad but you'll obviously have to work out your living arrangements. In your position, I wouldn't stay, it would inhibit both you and your husband in moving on and I think the sooner that you can move on, the sooner you'll be able to build an amicable relationship apart for the sake of your child.

I would say, don't be drawn in to any more discussions on it, your husband is probably panicking at the thought of losing his daughter. If you make it clear that that's not on the cards and that you expect him to care for her as you do and that you'll work it out together, maybe he'll stop lying to himself - and to you - and start being honest about coming out and moving forward - him on his own and he with you and DD still as a family unit.

Sorry OP, you probably feel completely pole-axed right now but you will get through it. Consider getting some support for yourself and determine how you want to move forward. Good luck.