H told me two nights ago he's questioning his sexuality.

[BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony]

I can't believe this is happening to us, and I don't really know where to start. We got together eight years ago, have been married for four, and have a two-year-old DD. Our relationship has had a fair few ups and downs, but I've always taken him back.
For the last four years or so our sex life has been pretty much non-existent, (supposedly) due to his very low sex drive. I have found this very difficult and have tried broaching it gently, tried ignoring it, tried talking about it frankly, tried spicing things up... but nothing has changed. Over the last six months or so, he's acknowledged that this is a problem for me, that it really affects my self-esteem, and that he'll seek medical help... but he hasn't done a thing about it.
I've felt pretty down-trodden about other elements of our relationship too, possibly emotional abuse, and everything came to a head a month or so ago. I just couldn't go on any more, and told him I was leaving. We live overseas and I booked tickets for DD and I to return to the UK. The earliest tickets we could get were for 5 days later. We went, but before we left, H and I made up. Not for the first time, he promised the world to me, told me DD and I were everything to him, and not for the first time I believed him. A week after our break in the UK, things started going bad again. Two nights ago I tried to initiate sex. We didn't really get going, and we started talking. He told me he thinks he might be gay, but isn't sure.
I was pretty shocked when he told me, but must have come across as supportive because he is surprised that today I'm questioning where this leaves us. He thinks our problems are not insurmountable, and that we're both great parents to DD. It would break my heart to take her away from her dad, but what else can I do now really? I'm so very, very sad and alone.

We managed to have a good talk this morning before H left for work. I'm now feeling much calmer and stronger, and a huge part of this is because of MN - thank you.

After what we spoke about this morning, I genuinely think he doesn't know if he's gay or not. The more I've thought things through, though, the more I think he is. Nothing was clicking into place when he first told me, but I think that's because I was in shock. Now certain elements of our relationship, and certain aspects of his behaviour, are beginning to make more sense. It's always felt like he hasn't completely let himself love me or been completely open with me about something, and I guess now that something is exactly this.

However, there are still some ways in which I can't see it. When we first got together, for the first three years or so, we had A LOT of sex. Also, I know that he's slept with a ridiculous amount of women. His first marriage, and indeed other relationships he was in, fell apart due to him cheating with other women. He also had an emotional affair with another woman just before we got married (and I found out about, but still married him ). He maintains that he loves me and couldn't be without me.

The questions I have now are where all of this leaves us. At the risk of sounding totally barking, I'd rather he was gay as it's a 'get out of jail free' card for me really, isn't it? If he comes to the conclusion that no, he isn't gay, then I really don't want to stay in this fucked-up relationship.

We didn't get to talk about what we're going to do from now on. He told me it's just not an overnight thing. He said one thing that's still a stumbling block for him is that he'd feel very, very angry and upset if I were to sleep with another man. A few of you have said leave now to give him the space to think things through, but I think I can see how that'd go. He would really miss having DD and I around, and wouldn't spend the time reflecting, but rather trying to convince me (and himself) that we belong together and he can't function without me.

Tell me if this sounds like a ridiculous plan, but I'm thinking about holding out until the new year. This would give us plenty of time to think things through and keep on discussing them. Also, in the next few months I have a handful of visitors coming out, plus a wedding to go to in the UK, so I wouldn't be totally alone. He's been asked to consider a posting in another EU country from January, so the three of us could up and leave here then, DD and I to the UK and him to his new, closer destination.

I am still worried about separating my daughter from her father, though. Also, I don't know what we'd do financially. I'm fortunate enough in that my parents would be able to help us out initially, but after that.... who knows? I feel like I'd be taking DD away from a very comfortable lifestyle into something unstable, but I know it's far more important for her to grow up in a happy, loving home than a glamorous but cold one.

He maintains that he loves me and couldn't be without me. doesn't he always say that when he knows you're on the verge of leaving. Shame he doesn't ACT like it before you get to that point.

Bottom line is does he make you happy?
Life's too short to waste it with someone who doesn't

Sorry cross posted..
Only you will know what timescale works best for you, and you need to make sure you're in the best position for going it alone. x

Oh, this is such a fucking mess. More and more stuff keeps dawning on me. How could I have been so stupid? How will I ever trust anyone again? Do I even want to?
Fucking hell. One of my dearest friends is a gay man who's ALWAYS telling me that I'm so gorgeous he'd turn straight just for me. He's always told me he sees EXACTLY what H sees in me. Has he been trying to tell me for years that H is gay? Will I only ever attract men who like how boyish I look? Fuck fuck fuck.

I guess this is what you were talking about yesterday, NotADude.

Hi Bitzer, glad you spoke to him. I also understand why you feel like staying for a while so as not to rush into a big hasty move and not know where your head is, also the explaining to family etc will be difficult.
I do think you really want to leave him but you are very fond of him and you are thinking about your little girl and her relationship with her father. I think it will be a breath of fresh air in your life when you do leave, for lots of reasons, the lack of intimacy, the emotional abuse etc, it will be nice to feel a sense of freedom.
I hope everything works out for you, you do deserve a happy life, whether you are single or meet someone new who cherishes you.

You aren't stupid at all OP you are/were in love and didn't see it. The way you look (and I'm sure you're gorgeous) wouldn't have make an ounce of difference, if someone is gay they are gay and vice versa.

Thank you, Pam.
Yes, I think there will be a sense of relief and liberation when all of this is over. I am scared that I'll be lonely, but I'm lonely now anyway I suppose. He CAN be very good company indeed and we do share a similar sense of humour, but the good days are few and far between. I can actually see us becoming good friends further down the line.
I'm beginning to wonder more and more about his first marriage, too.

I don't envy you. You sound marvellously together, especially under these circumstances, and I hope you can rustle up enough support to keep you that way while things get sorted out.

I can't think of a kinder way to put this - yes, it's your get out of jail card. It's becoming more and more apparent that your relationship isn't really doing enough for you. Even without this disaster, you were on your way out I believe. Now - well, either you have a gay/bi husband, or you have one who doesn't mind fucking with your head in the most extraordinary way. If you were looking for a justification, you've got it.

If it's going to take four months to organise things for you and DD, so be it. It might be a hell of a lot better for your mental health to get back among your own friends, have your painful conversations by phone and skype, and spend a bit too much on air fares.

You don't seem to need reminding right now - but just in case: YOUR emotional welfare matters. DD needs a sane mother! Please do start putting yourself first. Wishing you the very best.

I haven't read through the whole thread but I will when I have a moment. Bitzer, I am the exWife of a man I suspect is gay (I have never heard it from the horse's mouth but your relationship, the lack of sex, the emotional abuse yes, ranting while spouse was sobbing was my lot too and it is abuse the capacity for utter self absorbtion even in the face of a household where there were 5 DCs (no we definitely did not go at it like rabbits).

Do not let him dictate to you where you will spend your life. Investigate the possibility of leaving and getting home with your DD.

He knows he is gay I would bet the farm, and he has always knows, and my guess is that his first relationship went tits up for the same reasons that yours will.

There is no way to part amicably from someone who hates such an important part of himself to the extent that he is willing to deny it at such a deep level and who is willing to use other people the way this man has, and to bring children into the sorry mess that is his life. You can look forward to more and more anger and denial on his part if you try to get to the bottom of this. You may never get the rational answer that you need.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST. You do not owe him a shoulder to cry on or any kind of support. He will not thank you for it if my experience and the experience of hundreds of other women on a forum I joined is anything to go by. He will hate you for knowing him. I will pm you the name of the forum. Hopefully it is still up and running.

Have yourself checked out for every std on the planet and hepatitis too.

Oh god I'm not massively together at all. I haven't been able to eat anything today and I'm shivering and I keep ret hing bile and airs. I'm running a fever and h got home and I started crying. He went utterly mental and td me. I'm a terrible mother and need tostart putting Dd first. I started really sob ing and told him he can't expect me to be his crutch in this if he won't listen yo me too. He told me that I was too emotional and angry for him to talk to. Hexstrormed off to bed but not before telling me there's no way he'll let me takehis daughter awat.

Get a lawyer. ('His daughter', eh?)

WHAT???!!!

He drops a bombshell like that, then shouts at you for crying, blames you for his reluctance to talk and threatens you over DD?!

He's an arse.

Now I don't care if he's gay, straight, bi or zoophile, he's a horrid selfish man and you deserve a great deal more respect. How dare he?

I hate the thought of you being stuck out there with no real friends. Please do phone as many friends and family as you've got, if you haven't already. You shouldn't be carrying all this alone.

I promise you I am usually a fairly articulate individual. Please forgive the post above.

It wasn't a typing test, was it? :)

Hi Bitzer, I cannot believe he dared to treat you like that. He is so far off the mark, has no respect at all for you and doesn't give two hoots about your happiness or feelings. You have been so far quite kind and considerate about him and his feelings. I understand entirely how you feel about him having a relationship with DD but he isn't entitled to force you to stay in a country that is foreign to you, where you don't speak the language and where you have no realy good friends or family.
I really hope you don't feel so alone, mumsnet is only a click away and I'll always be here to offer support advice etc and I'm sure the other posters will too.
I hope you find the strength inside yourself to see that you deserve so much more than this, he has really hacked away at your self esteem and he clearly doesn't give two hoots about your feelings. Its not enough for him to drop that bombshell, after years of sexual difficulties, to not talk and to not accept that you are, and rightly so angry.
I personally couldn't spend another minute with him, the tool. Easier for me though, I live in my own country and have friends and family around me. You deserve so much more than what this person is giving you. Don't consider his feelings anymore, think of yourself. I'd be getting too angry everytime I saw his face anyway.
Here for you Bitzer, you are not entirely alone

He is nasty.
I'd get away sooner rather than later if I were you.
See a lawyer asap

You have my sympathy and support.

Nasty. Do not let him manipulate you.

I think I would leave too. Even if he's not gay, he is basically saying that he thinks it's OK for him to unilaterally end your sex life for ever. He won't have sex with you, won't seek help about it - and won't let you sleep with other men because it would make him "angry and upset." Not OK.

And your latest post about being ill and him shouting at you - just awful. If there's any way you can get some counselling or some kind of real life support to get you through this, I would do it. You sound terribly isolated and you need to take all the support you can get.

I'm with Dittany on this one - come home!

You write that you have no real support network where you are at the moment. Obviously your relationship is not what it should be. You should have somebody there to look after you.

As you know the general situation is not something that I'm unfamiliar with or that is insurmountable IME.

BUT:

When my DH came out with this, he did everything in his power to reassure me and put me at ease about the situation. And he always was before this and continues to be a lovely, supportive, nice person who would glue his own mouth shut before he'd ever yell at me for being upset - especially not after dropping this bombshell on you!

I wrote above that I see an additional issue to your H's sexuality in your relationship, namely how he deals with you. I'm actually thinking this is the primary issue here. I'd not want to be with such a person even if I were the only human being on the planet he had ever fancied. As for him deserving support: yes, he's probably struggling etc. - but if you want people to support you you should realize that treating them in a decent way is a prerequisite to this.

Leave this man - straight, gay or otherwise. He doesn't treat you the way you deserve and, as you say, he's bringing down your self confidence.

PS: Get yourself tested for STIs; I wouldn't be able to trust him at this point.

I also think you should leave. He seems to be becoming even more of a loose cannon, and you don't know what he's going to do next. Take your daughter and leave.

If you're too concerned for your H to leave, perhaps bear in mind that you could be doing him a favour to come back to the UK for a bit. He clearly can't cope with discussion or emotion. A bit of time alone might help him process his feelings.

A bit of space and family support would undoubtedly benefit you, too...before you get too ground down [:(]

For what it's worth I doubt any man would raise the notion that they might be gay unless they were pretty sure that they were.

Hope you're feeling better OP. A good way to generate a glimmer of positivity might be to concentrate on the fact that you are on the verge of getting some conclusive answers and resolving a very unsatisfactory relationship, and in the long term that can only be a good thing.