H told me two nights ago he's questioning his sexuality.

[BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony]

I can't believe this is happening to us, and I don't really know where to start. We got together eight years ago, have been married for four, and have a two-year-old DD. Our relationship has had a fair few ups and downs, but I've always taken him back.
For the last four years or so our sex life has been pretty much non-existent, (supposedly) due to his very low sex drive. I have found this very difficult and have tried broaching it gently, tried ignoring it, tried talking about it frankly, tried spicing things up... but nothing has changed. Over the last six months or so, he's acknowledged that this is a problem for me, that it really affects my self-esteem, and that he'll seek medical help... but he hasn't done a thing about it.
I've felt pretty down-trodden about other elements of our relationship too, possibly emotional abuse, and everything came to a head a month or so ago. I just couldn't go on any more, and told him I was leaving. We live overseas and I booked tickets for DD and I to return to the UK. The earliest tickets we could get were for 5 days later. We went, but before we left, H and I made up. Not for the first time, he promised the world to me, told me DD and I were everything to him, and not for the first time I believed him. A week after our break in the UK, things started going bad again. Two nights ago I tried to initiate sex. We didn't really get going, and we started talking. He told me he thinks he might be gay, but isn't sure.
I was pretty shocked when he told me, but must have come across as supportive because he is surprised that today I'm questioning where this leaves us. He thinks our problems are not insurmountable, and that we're both great parents to DD. It would break my heart to take her away from her dad, but what else can I do now really? I'm so very, very sad and alone.

So sorry, Bitzer, I mean to say how sorry I am that you're going through this massive shock. My post wasn't intended to minimise the devastation you must be feeling More to give you hope that there is a future after this - and to recommend as much counselling as you can get.

I'm worried that he thinks you would be unreasonable to move home with your DD if the relationship broke up. Have you and your DD got the same surname? Have you got a job, friends etc where you live now? If not, I would think seriously about taking your DD and moving home now, for a while at least. A break might be what you both need in any case - so you can both decide what you want to do now.

I hope I don't sound alarmist, but I'd hate for yuo to get into a sticky situation if you're stuck just waiting around for him to decide what he wants.

He's in denial. He's gay but he doesn't want to lose you both which is understandable. You probably have to leave him if you ever want to be happy again. Really feel for you and him.

Thanks for all your comments and support, you've given me a lot to think about.

NotADudeExactly, I've often wondered about your name - I'll have a look at your thread in a minute.
garlicnutter, that's very encouraging about the families you know. For all his faults, H does love our daughter very much, and I would hate for her to lose out on a relationship with him because of our issues. Counselling is not an option for me here as I don't speak the language, and I should imagine it's fairly limited here any way.
It's weird, but even writing about it all on here, whilst very therapeutic for me, feels like a betrayal of him.

Okay, I'm back.

OP, I think you're dealing with two distinct albeit possibly related issues here: on the one hand there is the question of your H's sexuality. Then there is also the issue of how you deal with one another/how he deals with you.

FWIW, I agree completely with what garlicnutter writes above: human sexuality is usually a bit more complex than simply gay/straight but is more of a continuum. Add to that the fact that our society very much regards being pure heterosexual as being the norm (far more than it is naturally, IMHO) and that significant segments of it still wrinkle their noses at anything else and you have a minefield of complexity for anyone who is even an inch different than straight down the middle heteromonogamous in their leanings. If your DH says that he is "not sure" if he's gay it might be his way of saying he does know but is not sure how to tell you. However, it may just as likely really mean that he really isn't sure how he feels. Not knowing about and also not wanting any form of sexuality other than a very narrow norm is in fact much more normal than you'd think.

IME it is not always helpful to slap labels on people. What matters is getting to the bottom of what he wants and what you want and where you can go from here that will allow both of you and your DD to feel happy with your lives.

You're completely entitled to be angry at your H, OP. However, please do not think that you were lied to and taken for a ride on purpose in the sense that he would have known all along and married you anyway, had a child etc. This is really, really unlikely to be the case.

Try to focus on establishing what you need to know. How exactly does your H feel about his sexuality? Is there a reason why this has come up, e.g. is there a man he feels attracted to or might even have had a sexual encounter with (FWIW, cheating is still cheating in my book, regardless of the sex of the dramatis personae)? What does he think should happen? More importantly: what do you think should happen?

You mentioned how your self confidence already suffered from his lack of sexual interest in you. IME there's a good chance that these news will make you feel worse about this for a while. You may be wondering if you are somehow inadequate as a female of the species - regardless of whatbyour head tells you. If you can resolve this for yourself without any special measures, more popwer to you. If not there's absolutely nothing wrong with investing in some killer heels or about some harmless flirtation with the guy at the shop. Whatever makes you feel better.

I'd also advise against taking decisions while you're still in shock, especially as there is your daughter who's involved as well. I am by no means saying you should stay with this man necessarily (there seem to be general issues as well as far as I can tell from your posts) - just that you are probably not in the best frame of mind to be making life changjng decisions right now.

PS: A large glass of wine and relentless sobbing really, really help with the initial shock.

Theala - DD has both of our surnames. No, I have no independent life of him here. The friends I have are more acquaintances really - wives of H's colleagues - and I'm a SAHM. I've been sporadically making an effort to integrate - we've only been here for six months - but even before this things were rocky between us and I've been wondering what the point of making friends here and learning the language is.

Thanks, NotADude. I totally agree with regards to the complexities of sexuality, that it's not totally clear cut all the time. I just can't believe this is happening to me! Isn't this something OTHER people's husbands come out with?

A glass of wine would be amazing right now, but migraines and toddlers are not a good combination IME, and I wouldn't be thanking myself tomorrow.

H came back from work and I tried speaking to him. He told me to stop being ridiculous, that he wasn't gay, and he's taken himself to bed with a headache. He told me we won't be talking about it this week as he's got a major week at work.

I'm trying really hard to hold it all together for DD. She's given me so many kisses and cuddles today. She knows I'm struggling. I just feel so alone and scared.

This not talking thing, your H needs to realize that this is not an option at this stage. He cannot be dropping a bombshell like this on you and then refuse to discuss it. FWIW, I think this seems to be almost the bigger issue between the two of you: the fact that he seems to think he's entitled to set the agenda, rant at you, etc.

I cannot tell how your H ticks, of course, but I suggest you force him to talk. My H did the same - knowing him because even after telling me how he felt he still preferred to remain in denial. I ended up forcing him to talk by refusing to let him sleep. It helped.

As for being scared: I think I can see where you are coming from. The idea of being on your own after such a long time, not being certain about your economic security without him, panic at the idea of lying in an empty bed in a dark room all by yourself. So far so normal - and it's not actually an issue to do with your H's sexuality at its core but something that we all feel in all sorts of relationship crises.

I guess what you really want to find out is what your H wants now. And then you will have to decide whether this is something that you a happy to go along with. And going by the fact that you were about to leave this man, whatever it is, status quo ante doesn't seem to be an acceptable outcome.

Sorry for the typos, I can spell but my iPad cannot.

My DS1 is bi, TBH I always (from little) thought he would be gay. He came out to me when he was 15, no biggie except that I knew he had been in a passionate relationship with another boy in his year for about six months before he told me.

Just saying that, sometimes, there's a catalyst.

I hope you aren't going to be subjected to the stealth reveal.

In all fairness, some people genuinely do not know they are gay. He might have married in all good faith, slowly realising over a long period of time.

NotADude, I've just been skimming through your thread. How are things for you both now? You're right that there are two different issues going on here with me - the state of our relationship in general, which has been making me miserable for a while now, and the issue of his sexuality. I think I do believe that he really doesn't know if he's gay or not. I'm just going to feel like such a bitch if I leave him now, when he's so confused and hurting, and take his daughter away from him. I also can't begin to think through the logistics of leaving, and of being a single parent back in the UK. We really need to have a good talk about all of this, but he's in bed now. I know that if we lived in the UK , leaving him would be much easier. My parents are very supportive and know we've been having problems recently (but don't know anything about this most recent development). But H's job by its very nature means living abroad. He already has two children he never sees. I'm rambling now...

What a shock for you Bitzer. I can't begin to imagine how scared you are feeling. Fwiw, I tend to agree with garlicnutter on this. I have a very dear friend who was married, no kids though, before he realised, consciously, that he was gay. He did love his wife, did fancy her, just didn't realise that he felt that way about men until he met the one. He and his ex wife are great friends now and he was best man at her wedding!

I would say that he sounds like he now knows how he feels, it's just that he needs to find the courage to verbalise it to you. And it does sound like he is gay, and would explain the sexual drought. My friend said he and his wife had a good sex life when together, it just died an instant death when the peices fell into place for him.

It may take him a long time to face up to this but you can't afford to hang in this hellish limbo much longer, it sounds like it is already very stressful. I wouldn't really care for his 'tough week' at work priorities, surely you and dd are the immediate priority here?

I agree. Wake him up! Dude's posts are amazing here, I'm so glad you've found such helpful people to 'talk' to. Unfortunately, your marriage sounds rather less mutually supportive than NotADudeExactly's but you won't know how much of that has been due to his identity crisis until he talks!

You absolutely have the right to discussion.

Got to say, "tough week at work" really sounds like a pretext to delay a conversation that OBVIOUSLY needs to happen but that he doesn't necessarily want to have.

Why don't you email him? That way you can explain how you're feeling in a calm, measured way, set out your position, but without needing to incite immediate confrontation.

Send him the link to the gay counselling website as well. I have to say, I'm not convinced based on what you said that he definitely knows he's gay but doesn't want to admit it, which seems to be the popular opinon. I think that it sounds quite likely that he is gay, but lets remember we're talking about a man who's been married twice, has children, has been living a hetero lifestyle for decades...there's probably some deep, deep denial and repression going on for him. I don't necessarily think that if he was already having gay relationships/sex on the side he'd have even mentioned so casually the fact that he thought he might be gay then immediately deny it. But who knows.

Anyway, all of the above applies to the "his sexuality" part of your problem. But none of it changes the fact that you're not satisfied in the relationship either way. So its a bit incidental in a way...if he'd treated you better during your marriage I might be inclined to encourage you to be sympathetic with him while he tries to figure out the sexuality stuff, but based on what you've said I'm not at all sure he deserves that from you.

And extra sympathy for the fact that you're dealing with all of this in another country. I'm an ex-pat too, and if you're anything like me the isolation from friends, family and your own culture means that your relationship problems are not only magnified ten-fold, but also that having no-one close to talk to about said problems makes it even worse....

I agree; I am receiving great support, advice and insight on here.

It really would be fantastic if we could come out of the other side of this as friends. I'm just not sure if he'd manage that. I asked him on the evening of the big reveal, after he clammed up about his own urges, how he'd feel if I took a lover. I asked this to try to gage his feelings for me. He said absolutely not ever would he feel OK with that. He's always been very possessive of me, in part I think because of our age gap (18 years).

Believe me, waking him up now will not be fruitful! He's got an early start tomorrow, so it'll have to be tomorrow evening.

As for my DH and me: we're still together in a couple kind of sense and actually good. I think in some sense I have an easier time dealing with DH's sexuality than he does. I think my DH is some flavour of bisexual, by the way, insofar as he still thinks he is probably more physically attracted to men than to women in general (but insists he's only attracted to me specifically) but also says he could never be in love with a man, whereas he has been in love with several women in his life. I think I've basically accepted DH for what he is and moved on.

That having been said: my competition just doubled, so I'm now also jealous of handsome men getting to close to him as opposed to just pretty women, ... (I did have one spectacular meltdown along the way during which I essentially accused him of cheating with his mate in the bushes of Regent's Park during a group outing where I was as well. And, yes, I'm sure I was wrong, to anyone with half a rational thought left it was absurd).

I think I understand very well where you're coming from re not wanting to let him down etc. It's definitely something I felt for my husband even when I was not at all certain whether we had any future as a couple. It's a noble sentiment. However, out of experience, you can't help him with anything unless a) he actually talks to you and b) you sort yourself out first. You are looking at him and see him vulnerable etc. when you are presumably in just as much need of a hug and a cup of tea as he is.

I don't think it's a case of leaving him now, and certainly not ever going to be a bitch even if you did!

What other recourse would you have, realistically, if he IS gay?

I think you need time and space to think. Whatever you decide to do, HE will need space and time to think. To work out what he wants. he will need to be honest, and you need to be as open and willing to listen as possible. You need to understand what he's thinking to a certain degree. This will help you understand that this is HIS issue, his 'problem' as it were and HE needs to work it out for himself.

The choice YOU have is to decide if you want to wait patiently, and bank it ALL on him NOT being gay, and definitively so, or to give him the total space he needs to figure himself out with no guarantees that if it turns out he isn't gay, and again absolutely definitively so, that you will ever get back together.

If you hang on, and he prats about not resolving his issues, you will have more of the same old frustrations from him, the insults, the criticisms everything that you already had, and a feeling that you are not the flavour of berry he likes. This will do untold hurt to your self esteem.

One way or another, your marriage - as it was - is over. You can never go back to the time before he said he might be gay. That genie is OUT, even if he's not! [sorry!]

IF he works this through and realises that he isn't gay, however unlikely that may be, then you and he can talk, negotiate and attempt to build a new relationship with one another, where the old rules, schemas and routines are torn up.

IF you do decide to leave in the short term, i.e let him have the space to explore, I don't genuinely think that anyone could ever call you a bitch. A bitch would refuse to hear him, refuse to listen, and refuse to allow him to even entertain any change/discovery in his sexuality.

Again, I'm sorry, this is so hard, we're all here for you love. Courage!

riverboat - I've just sent him the link to the counselling website. Thank you.

I could email him, but what we need is dialogue. He could very easily ignore an email. I might try it if I can't get to sleep tonight, though.

Another vote for don't email him.

Wait until you see him tomorrow, preferrably until your DD's asleep so that yu're uninterrupted. Open a bottle of wine, sit him down and state that he has to talk to you.

HerHissyness is absolutely spot on regarding the status quo ante just no longer being a viable option here. He cannot unsay what he said. Therefore your relationship has changed irrevocably.

Bitzer, whatever happens love, you will be OK There is no panic, there is no pressing need to do anything right away if you don't want to.

it won't go away, and you'd both be cheating yourselves if you just ignore it and try to carry on. You deserve better than that, and so does he. He deserves the right to be sure of who he is.

Be calm, although this is dreadfully hurtful, he's not doing this on purpose. no-one would. Seconding the bottle of wine and a sit down face to face.

Meant to edit, you BOTH deserve to be sure of who you are individually and collectively.

Thank you. All this has really helped. How did you all get so wise? I'm going to try to get some sleep now as it's quite late here now. Goodnight sweet ladies, goodnight.

What imperiablether said.
He's not been nice to you throughout your marriage. You described him as being EA and he is.
You get desperate and threaten to leave and he talks you back ..not the first time. Then he's back to normal. Typical abusive pattern.

Now he says he might be gay but is entitled enough to think that sholdn't change anything. Then 'of course he's not gay' and he's too 'busy' to discuss it with you.

Yes sexuality isn't cut and dried but this isn't about that... he's a head f**ker pure and simple, and its still going to be crap and you will still be miserable even if he decides he isn't gay after all.