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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I keep quiet.

56 replies

goodangel · 05/09/2011 23:49

Please dont harm me here.I feel very vulnerable and incredibly sad.I am not coping very well at all and dont know how to handle this situation.I will say briefly the facts.I left my husband almost a year ago amd moved to another country.
He always had hope for our marriage and we have two beautiful children.I did think we might be able to work it out for awhile but I ended it for good ( i thought) as I felt the reasons I left were not going to go away.Now he is home and we have been sleeping together and doing family outings almost every day for about four months.I have felt very alone and he has been so caring and helpful and kind.
I knew there was a woman he was seeing but he said it was very casual and she was a quite desperate for them to be a couple.Since he has returned there is many hearts, chocolates and teddies arriving in his mail almost daily.Of course he was probably holding onto her in case we didnt work out.
I dont want to be a part of this at all and know that this is not what I want for myself or my children so have finally ended it properly.This woman now has plans to move here permanently to be with my ex, she is giving up her career (and her husband).He is still ringing me constantly and trying to get me to talk to him but I am on NC. ( i do realise he is not all that kind and caring but can be very charming!)
It is a huge move and I feel like she needs to know, does she? Or is it just not my business at all? I just feel like if it was me and it has been in the past, I really wish someone would have warned me?Please be gentle.

OP posts:
beatenbyayellowteacup · 05/09/2011 23:59

Good on you for deciding what you want and ensuring you get it. That takes a lot of strength.

To be honest, I think she'd not take it very well coming from you. She'd think it sour grapes.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 00:00

To be honest you knew he was seeing someone but you still slept with him, you ended it and then gave him false hope when you should have kept him at arms length.

It's not your place to tell her anything it is however your place to decide what you really want make a decision and stick to it.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 00:03

Well done for ending it

Now make sure it stays ended, and that includes keeping out of it completely

You don't come out of this looking too great, tbh, but I hope you can build a happy life without this user

Let the other woman make her own choices...you have made yours

haven't you ?

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 00:12

Thank you so much for your replies.Yes I have.DV was involved but I was very confused as a lot of my family thought I should give him a chance and hold onto our marriage.He is very good at charming them too.I have been very very low and he waltzed in and looked after us again.I have been coping on my own with very little support.It is taking all of my strength not to welcome him back in but I know I have done the right thing.The OW made it very clear she wanted him, to everyone even when we were married so perhaps on my part I wanted revenge I dont know.I so appreciate your honesty and comments as have no-one in RL to talk to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 00:15

It sounds like you have had a fucking awful time, OP

You have made some bad judgements, but you are on the right track now

Please now stay away from him, and don't let anyone pressure you into giving him another chance

Not him, not your family and not yourself

Take care, and MN will always have someone for you to talk to

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 00:20

Thank you AF.I am in tears now.I am trying very hard to be strong for my children.They are absolutely everything to me and just love having their Daddy around.Just those few words of support are the nicest I have heard in a long time.I wrote at the time of DV and one of your messages helped me gain the courage to call WA and leave.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 00:33

He is not a good daddy to your children if he treats their mother like he has treated you.

Yes they love him, and I expect that is down to you covering for him and trying very hard to not let them be affected. You know you wouldn't be able to keep that up though, as they grew and became more aware.

You have done the right thing.

Let this other woman have him...he is no prize that is for sure. Unless you count a booby prize Smile

He is her problem now. and he will do the same to her. He already has, with you. Don't buy into that any more.

carantala · 06/09/2011 00:49

AF - I really like your posts!

Birdsgottafly · 06/09/2011 01:01

My friend was in your position, her abusive ex had won her round (again), he also had a stand in, in case it went pear shaped with her. The OW had DC's so i told her what was going on, it made him and the OW, stronger because he put it across that my friend had put me up to it, so that the OW would walk away and my friend could have him.

The OW will not believe you, she has made the choice to leave her husband, focus on and look after yourself and your children.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 01:03

thanks, carantala

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 02:55

Thank you ladies.AF you are fantastic and I really hope you do this kind of therapy as a career? I was so worried about writing in but I have done the right thing and heard the correct comforting and kind advice.You have really helped me today.I actually dont think my worries are with the OW at all.I need to concentrate on myself and my children.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 08:03

Good gracious, you were up late, goodangel or are you in a different time zone ? Smile

I really hope you start to feel better soon. Your children are lucky to have you and will benefit greatly from having a mum who is not undergoing a constant headfuck by an abusive man x

Xales · 06/09/2011 12:17

he OW is besotted. So much so that she is leaving her H. She will not believe you. The only way she will learn is by going through it herself Sad

I agree with the others. Just concentrate you and your DC.

Your ex sounds vile to be treating her this way to be honest and you are so doing the right thing no matter how scary.

HerHissyness · 06/09/2011 14:43

The OW will learn the incredibly valuable and painful lesson

"be careful what you wish for"

You need to be focused on continuing down the path you started on. Focus on the children if it helps you stay out, focus on you, and your potential happiness.

Leaving a man who hurts you is ALWAYS the right thing, and indeed the ONLY thing to do.

Well done love! You are so brave and your children's lives will be better because of it.

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 20:24

You guys are wonderful.This is so hard.

OP posts:
BananaMontana · 06/09/2011 20:31

Having known someone who married a violent man and subsequently found out that everyone knew - it wasn't his first time - but kept quiet for fear of interfering, I would say if you can get the information to her, then do. It might not stop her now but it might help her later.

Easy to say but hard to do. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 20:33

You must be strong, if not for you, for your children

But you matter too, because a broken mummy is not a good mummy. Dry your tears and think about how much better that they don't have to live full time with such a piss-poor role model.

And that their mum is teaching them a great llesson. It is not ok for a man to treat a woman so badly.

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 20:35

Hi Banana,you know part of me is really afraid for her.
This man has absolutely ruined my life.He has taken everything from me and continues to try and do so. I wondered if perhaps I should tell her friend, so it didnt come from me? but as the other ladies say, she probably won't listen?

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 06/09/2011 20:35

I think if she is that besotted she won't listen, but maybe worth a try. That doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things though, just look after yourself and your kids and keep yourself away from that situation

BananaMontana · 06/09/2011 20:38

Chances are she won't listen, because people rarely do in this situation. They believe what's easiest, against their own intuition quite often.

There will come a time though when it makes sense to her. It might come quicker if she's been tipped off somehow. I don't know. I do know that my aunt (I mentioned before) felt a horrid sense of betrayal when she finally split from her husband and found that all his family and friends had been there before. I think she'd have still married him but might have got out quicker.

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 20:39

AF, I wish you were here, beside me, so we could have coffee and you could help me stay strong. He was here on my doorstep last night telling me what an awful person I am for breaking up a family.And that I was nothing, to him or to anyone.I didnt let him in,just shut the door and slid down onto the floor.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 20:39

this man has already ruined your life

stay away from him, and stay away from his relationship

why would you stir things up again

she made her choices...she already knows what he is like and goes ahead anyway

just like you did

would you have listened to anybody at the same juncture...esp an ex of his ?

no...you would have accepted his explanation that she was a loon, and a jealous troublecauser, of course you would

we have all made mistakes with men...you must detach from him completely, and that means not stirring the pot again

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 20:42

x-posted

if you were my friend, I would be there with you right now

well done for not letting him in your door

now stop letting him in your head

you ae going to have to fake it until you make it

but you can do it

detaching yourself will start the process of getting over him...it will be a long slog, but you can do it

or accept you will never be free of his toxicity....and I do not accept that one person possesses the power over another to enable this to happen

Original poster
goodangel · 06/09/2011 20:47

Yes, you are so right AF.Now all the nastiness is back and it is horrible, I feel my strength coming back in full force.I dont want to stir anything.I just want to run away from it all.The reason he is stepping up the abuse is beacuse I have told him I do not want him around here anymore, at all.And I know as you lovely girls say 'i am well rid'.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 20:47

banana if this lady was less vulnerable herself, I would agree with you

I am not entirely sure that even OP is 110 % sure there wouldn't be ulterior motives in her blowing this thing wide open...in some tiny part of her she wants things to be like they were before which is totally understandable

but this man is an abusive man

there is a history of DV

I am the world's most Rottweiler-like arguer and will very often "not suffer fools gladly" and absolutely rail against someone treating me badly. I have even been known to advocate not letting someone get away with something/exacting revenge.

but I would not antagonise this man

I would make my escape as cleanly as I could...otherwise you risk staying involved in the drama...and that is not healthy