Shall I keep quiet.

[goodangel]

Please dont harm me here.I feel very vulnerable and incredibly sad.I am not coping very well at all and dont know how to handle this situation.I will say briefly the facts.I left my husband almost a year ago amd moved to another country.
He always had hope for our marriage and we have two beautiful children.I did think we might be able to work it out for awhile but I ended it for good ( i thought) as I felt the reasons I left were not going to go away.Now he is home and we have been sleeping together and doing family outings almost every day for about four months.I have felt very alone and he has been so caring and helpful and kind.
I knew there was a woman he was seeing but he said it was very casual and she was a quite desperate for them to be a couple.Since he has returned there is many hearts, chocolates and teddies arriving in his mail almost daily.Of course he was probably holding onto her in case we didnt work out.
I dont want to be a part of this at all and know that this is not what I want for myself or my children so have finally ended it properly.This woman now has plans to move here permanently to be with my ex, she is giving up her career (and her husband).He is still ringing me constantly and trying to get me to talk to him but I am on NC. ( i do realise he is not all that kind and caring but can be very charming!)
It is a huge move and I feel like she needs to know, does she? Or is it just not my business at all? I just feel like if it was me and it has been in the past, I really wish someone would have warned me?Please be gentle.

I understand

I wouldn't have listened if his X had said anything to me.

I knew better. He'd run them down to me anyway, so WTF did they know? 90% sure now that everything he said about them is all a total fabrication.

You need to focus on yourself and your DC, that's the most important thing for now. You need to keep your strength to keep him out of your life, that's hard work too, so you need every ounce of energy.

He is angry with you because he senses this time you mean it is over.

And an abusive man like this will be incensed that you would do that.

His reaction is pure temper tantrum. How fucking dare you disobey him ? He has you in a box labelled "willing to be abused, and keep coming back for more"

he is the equivalent of a 3yo whose sweeties have been taken away

he will lash out

you have to rise above it

you mean much to people...to your dc and to your children (and to the nice man you will meet one day)

he needs to annihilate you to make himself feel better... you never want to be around a person like that...and your dc certainly do not

your dc and your children ???

I mean to your dc, your friends/family and mostly to yourself

Starting this thread was the best thing I could have done.I am not very good at talking about these things in RL.If you don't mind I might just keep writing for awhile over the next few weeks.The words that you wise women have shared with me are so valuable.

You can write as much as you like. Lots of ladies are happy to support you.

Is there really no-one you can confide in in RL though ? That would be of tremendous help if you could just start telling one person how it really is for you. I expect you have put up a facade for a very long time that all is well.

Did you ever speak to Women's Aid, btw

They could arrange some phone counselling for you. They don't just help women to leave...they can support you in the aftermath too. This man is still tormenting you. Perhaps you need a Non Molestation order ? WA could advise. 0808 2000 247

OK. I will shush now. If you just want to engage on MN for a while that is fine too.

I have been having some councelling with a lovely lady.I am so afraid of this road ahead.It is truely just my DC and I now. I hope I can be the person they need me to be.I have to go to work now, but will keep checking in.

Am glad you have accessed counselling.

Come back when you can x

this thread is also brilliant for ongoing support

This is so hard. I am not doing all that well.

hello again

what is happening ?

I have been a very foolish angel.Its all messy and I need to walk away, but it is so damn hard.We have children.

Yes, lots of people who get out of toxic relationships have children

So, what is happening ?

Dear GA, read your post and I think I understand where you are coming from. Back and forth, back and forth and the hope that keeps getting dashed when the bad times start again.
AF gives good, strong advice and in time perhaps it will make sense. I kept desperate hopes alive - same for me DA, OW and children and all I knew I wanted was a happy home life and for all the crappy feelings to be magicked away. I once told a counsellor 'I know he's a shit, but he's my shit and I don't want anyone else involved. So without burdening you with my past, all I can say if that if it helps keep posting, it helps to be able to express your confusion. Have a look at the emotional abuse thread and read some of the literature at the top. You need to work through your grief at your own pace, be satisfied that you have done all you can/need to.
But IME (flaky at best) it takes time to grieve, to heal, to see the wood for the trees and to realise that you can't change him and that all the chocolates etc don't even skate on the surface of what he needs to do. The only way you can change things is by changing yourself and your responses to him. Strength will come, but please be selfish and think of yourself first off, DCs next and him last - like in airplane safety stuff put on your own oxygen mask then help those next to you.

Yes, that ^

Notsorted and AF, thank you.NS that is exactly how I feel.I have read your post over three times. I do know that my marriage is over.
It has taken me a long time but I have really worked on healing.I have my own house that is safe and warm and I still sleep here every night even though it is tempting not to.I am also being kind to myself, for the first time ever in my life.I am running lots, taking SJW, reading (lots of MN too) and actually smiling a lot of the time.
I think perhaps and this is very hard for me to admit that I am hanging out with him for a little revenge.I feel angry that this other woman is interfering in our ending.I also fell very sorry for her because my ex-H is openly saying that he would have me back in a second but as I am saying No, he will let her keep showering him with gifts.It makes me insane that she is also sending my children presents!
God thanks guys, obviously a little more unsettled that I thought.

GA, have you switched roles my love ?

Are you now the OW in your ex's big fucking romance ?

Come on, you can do better than that

detach

detach

and detach again

Of course I know that my H is the one to blame in all of this and I am not in any way seeing him through rose-tinted glasses.In a couple of weeks time I have asked him to leave the village where we live and that is when OW (I hate saying that!) is moving on in. We never fell out of love, I just realised that he would never change.Having to accept that someone else will be in his life, is the hard part.

I know AF, I think I will blow that word up and put it everywhere!

You know you said you weren't doing too good ?

I don't fully agree

You see things as they are

you know it isn't healthy

When you first posted, you didn't have a bloody clue how bad it was

Now you do

That is progress

My therapist said to me, 'all this strength you have, believe it'. I keep thinking 'oh but i will fall apart when this happens etc..'.

And Im actually not falling apart, I am getting up each day and moving further away.

In some ways I think that this other situation he has going on is a good thing.It makes me no for sure that I would never go back.

And my dear children remind me every day why I left.

stop hanging out with him to punish the OW

you punish only yourself, by self-sabotaging your detachment process

if he says he would have you back in a second, he is just manipulating you both

it's a very common pitfall to try and turn the tables to make yourself feel stronger

it weakens you

the best strength is to just leave it all behind

Thank you.

A'c'F, you wrote:
"...or accept you will never be free of his toxicity....and I do not accept that one person possesses the power over another to enable this to happen"

This is such an important point that applies to many dynamics-not just men/women relationships.

GoodAngel,
Ending things and moving on is hard.

For me, it felt like breaking a bad habit, iyswim. I had to change a reflex.
Another aspect, was like separation anxiety. I always associated that with little ones starting school, but then when my DF passed on I identified (a part) of my emotional turmoil as separation anxiety or abandonment. Cue to the present-as an adult, not a child, I did not need to sucumb to those emotions. I coached myself through it.

That was sort of an operational example of what AF said earlier about "Fake it until you make it."

Please do not trust anything your ex says or does. Presently, he is enjoying himself greatly having two women. Don't buy into it...you already know he will never be monogamous. There will never be peace in your heart, mind, or soul while you are with him.

His flattery is nothing more than a recruitment tool.

His rage is nothing more than being totally angry that he has to find someone else to USE and it takes alot of time, playing nice-nice, and money to break in someone new.

Detach. Emotionally.
Detach. Spiritually.
Detach. Intellectually.
Detach. Physically.
Detach. Materialistically.
Detach. Electronically.
Detach. Chronologically...he is no longer part of your time line.