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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh admitted to having a crush on a colleague.

86 replies

Boobicca · 31/08/2011 20:43

Would this worry you?

I totally get that it's normal to be attracted to other people and Dh and I are quite open about such things but this is the first time he has admitted to having a crush on someone.

I have noticed that he had been mentioning her name quite often and tonight after he mentioned her again I could see something in his face which made me ask him if he had a crush on her. He looked embarrassed and then admitted that he did. He then got all guilty looking and gave me a kiss.

Is this just normal? Should I be worried? Really confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boobicca · 31/08/2011 22:57

Apparently her husband works for the company too but he's in a different department on a different floor.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 23:02

So he drops a bomb like this and then makes like a clam ?

How fucking dare he ?

MrsHairyWhitemouse · 31/08/2011 23:02

I wonder if there are more revelations to come? For instance conversations or indeed actions that wouldn't have taken place if you were there?

Ime men admit little stuff and then suddenly there is more.

Hope I'm very much wrong and your H has just been a temporary sap.

Good luck

Original poster

Boobicca · 31/08/2011 23:06

Exactly AF! He is only making me more angry

OP posts:

Original poster

Boobicca · 31/08/2011 23:07

Yeah, he does tend to drip feed.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 23:13

Look love, it's not my place to further shake your faith in your husband

And I still think you will get more posters coming along to tell you that you are paranoid and the way he is acting is "just what men do" ie. that this is your insecurity and your problem

I would not be happy with this though. And I would not be letting it drop.

MrsHairyWhitemouse · 31/08/2011 23:18

These are probably the questions you want answers to, but be warned, it's not an easy read. Her website has other sections too, but it can be like opening a can of worms.

Otoh, your OH needs a wake up call to what he's risking. Problem is that when they is a crush they can stupidly think it is the real thing.

Really they need a good boot to the nuts like a reset button.

2rebecca · 31/08/2011 23:18

I wouldn't be keen on the splinter thing, and also wouldn't be happy if my bloke was talking about another woman alot whilst not appearing to fancy me.
He usually seems still to fancy me alot and just seems to have benign crushes that consists of things like watching the woman go to the coffee machine.
If I meet any of his colleagues they all seem to be ogling the same women. No women there at the moment so he's having to get on with his job.

MrsHairyWhitemouse · 31/08/2011 23:22

Am sorry, don't mean to worry you more than you already are. Hope your OH comes good and realises he's just been a bit of a prat.

Pan · 31/08/2011 23:22

MumblingRagdoll - how does the OP know he is being honest. Yes , he has said something, but that isn't the same as 'being honest', is it? I'd still say that he told the OP purposefully.
And with the OP being not in the best of places right now is highly insensitive at best.
OP - for what it's worth I'd wish to know exactly the nature of their contacts, and why he told you about a 'crush'. It certainly wasn't designed ot make you feel better, was it?

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 23:35

OK, we have a few scenarios here

this bloke is totally stupid and doesn't care if he hurts his vulnerable wife as long as he gets to sing the praises of his little "crushee". What he doesn't realise is that he is a figure of fun at work
this bloke has realised you are now suspicious of something (that is happening/is going to happen/he wants to happen) and has clammed up so you will shut the fuck up and let him get on with it
this bloke is being devious and manipulative and actually wants to make you feel underconfident and on the back foot, because his ego is the size of a small country and he feels his nose has been pushed out by new baby and wifey who is too busy to pay him the doting attention he requires
he is trying his best to tell you something but got cold feet at the last moment and backed off

Would I hope for number (1)

Tough call....

Pan · 31/08/2011 23:47

echo a bit of maleview above - spent most of my prof. life in a largely female environment. Some female colleagues are gorgeous, and some you just 'click with' and talk about personal stuff because you know you will understand each other, and get close to. I don't 'do' crushes' because I'm not a teenager. Adults call that experience something else - fancying, day-dreaming, fantasising about them - that sort of thing.
dh is accountable to you, and your little ones, and well...grow up a bit a lot.

LeninGrad · 01/09/2011 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad · 01/09/2011 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyF · 01/09/2011 12:54

How are things today, OP ?

Original poster

Boobicca · 01/09/2011 14:02

Hi Af, I'm ok today but haven't really got anywhere with Dh. We talked for ages last night but he just doesn't accept that there is anything wrong. Just kept telling me I have nothing to worry about. Tbh I ended up feeling a bit daft. Not had a second to even think about it today with the kids. Feel a bit down though. Feel fat and frumpy anyway and this isn't doing my self esteem any good.

OP posts:

AnyF · 01/09/2011 14:12

Aww. Sorry you feel like that.

Like pan said, this "revelation" was never going to make you feel good was it ?

Perhaps next time he tells you that you have "nothing to worry about" perhaps you could remind him that he is the one that caused the worry in the first place.

AnyF · 01/09/2011 14:13

btw, I wasn't expecting more info forthcoming from your dh, I just wondered how you were x

Original poster

Boobicca · 01/09/2011 14:16

Thanks

OP posts:

AngryFeet · 01/09/2011 14:23

I get crushes every now and then, sometimes on famous people and sometimes on male aquaitances. I wouldn't mention it to DH though as it would hurt his feelings (which I think it a perfectly normal response) and they ALWAYS pass in a week or two tops. All I mean by a crush is I day dream about them a bit. It is never really about them though just a flight of fancy and they have flattered me or something so they become the face of it . I have a perfectly happy relationship with DH and would never risk it so don't worry. I wouldn't worry about the splinter thing tbh. I think people often get crushes when someone shows them a bit of interest and they are flattered but if you have a good relationship it won't matter and it will pass by.

I would not make a big deal of it anymore as it probably isn't a big deal and he is embarrassed he blurted it out I bet. But you should say he has made you feel bad and he needs to work on your relationship a bit again. Can you go out on a date or have a night away? Maybe tell him not to mention crushes again in the future

scrambedeggs · 01/09/2011 14:25

i've read lots of threads on here where women fancy their gym trainers and whatever, most others just laugh along

so just laugh along

tadpoles · 01/09/2011 14:26

This is one of those situations where I am not sure honesty is the best policy. I know that people advocate complete honesty in relationships, but I think it is very over-rated. Continual and perpetual lying, particularly over important things/if it has some malicious motive, is obviously completely unacceptable.

But - brutal honesty can be horrible too. My father tends to say whatever comes into his head (eg: you have put on weight/look awful) without a thought for the consequences and I find it a very unattractive trait because it shows how inconsiderate he is (and he is). If you turn the tables, and say something like that to him, he is mortally offended, so he is a hypocrite.

But - sometimes I want my partner to lie - eg: does my bum look big in this (there is only one right answer as far as I am concerned and it's not yes!) Do you have a little bit of a crush on that stunning gym instructor - only one answer to this, and it's no, even if it's a lie! Why would I need to have my nose rubbed in something like that? My partner always pretends that he does not notice attractive women. I know that he does (can tell by his body language) but still find this attitude preferable than a brutally honest response - yeah, I really fancy her!

Little white lies, done to keep the peace and save face, I think are okay. All a question of degree, I suppose.

spooktrain · 01/09/2011 14:26

I just don't like the word crush in this situation...it really makes everything sound so innocent and cute
a crush is what I had on Paul Young when I was 14 - a hormonally fuelled obsession about someone completely unobtainable

This sounds more like a strong attraction to someone he sees every day, (that image of the splinter would really get under my skin too) and by calling it a crush he is making out it is all cosy and unthreatening

farfallarocks · 01/09/2011 14:29

Boobica - extremely unkind and insensitive of your DH to tell you this when you are vulnerable post baby and with PND. I personally would find that more worrying (the cruelty aspect)

I think it is perfectly possible to find other people attractive and have a good old flirt when you are married. In fact, I think its unrealistic and naive to think otherwise and can lead to more problems 'If I fancy him, it must be Luuurve' etc.
In fact I find knowing other men find me attractive and having a flirt makes me feel more confident and my DH seems to respond to that.

I met someone on Saturday who I was literally instantly attracted to. I was out with a big group of people including DH. We had a flirt. I know this guy was attracted to me also, there was just chemistry. He is single and I am not. I thought about him a bit whilst DTD with DH, we also fantasise quite openly with eachother about people we quite fancy and what we might do with them That is where it ends. I would never ACT on any of this and neither would he because we love eachother and are committed to fidelity.

I think the real issue is that your DH is a bit cruel and the fact he is now making you feel like you are overeacting is horrible. Personally I woudl drop it entirely, keep an eye on it and concentrate on improving your own self-esteem.

HeifferunderConstruction · 01/09/2011 14:32

this reminds me of the peter kay advert,

the wife says who do you fancy? go on tell me? i.e celeb wise

he goes 'errrrrrrm, claire from work!
and all dgoes silent becasue simply its not really acceptable to say stuff like that. Is it just me who has this little rule?

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