My husbands thinks I'm being inconsiderate!?

[Rose33]

My husband has been critizing me constantly for days now and its getting worse. He started shouting at me tonight because I put drinking glasses in the dishwasher (we normally hand wash these to keep them in good condition). I told him I decided to put them in the dish washer just this once because I had alot of housekeeping and I really don't think its an issue.

But he started raising his voice and told me he was angry generally because he feels like I'm not considering his opinions & feelings & wishes. Over the last few days he's been moaning about certain food I bought. (I told him I didn't know that he wanted things in particular & he needs to tell me).

I can't believe he feels like this. I'm always considerate to him and the children. In fact, I feel I'm too considerate. I never have my 'own' time. I never complain. I do all the house work and look after the kids. While he'll happily go out once in a while. He has been having a hard time at work and I try to be supportive.

Since we've had kids, He has become more controlling and will raise his voice to get what he wants generally. I've tried to deal with it as best as I can. He is 9 years older than me and earns all the money now so i feel very unequal in the relationship. When I tried to tell him that I'm feeling constantly critized, and pointed out that I don't critize him if he makes mistakes & wastes money, he got even more cross. We also work togther and he is critizing me about what I do at work. He has said he wants me to leave work and get another job as I'm not good at it. He said he'll stop paying me at the end of this month and I'll have to find another job.

He is being a bully but this will escalate if i point it out! Any ideas on how to deal with this will be gratefuly received. I'm feeling very stressed and the kids were upset as they heard him shout too.

Thanks!

Good luck Rose. I'm afraid I'm on the 'find a good divorce lawyer' side in this one.

Rose
But what happened to 'marriage is a journey not a destination'. And if I left, how will my children learn about commitment and working through the hard times. Doesn't anyone believe in this anymore?

Oh my god you sound like my mother. She put up with thirty odd years of domestic abuse from my father - emotional, verbal, physical, financial - and if we kids ever queried why she stayed -' marriage is a journey' is the line that got trotted out to us.

I cannot tell you how much growing up in that environment messed my head. Years of therapy. I can honestly say I fail to be shocked at anyone screaming/punching/threatening me or my mother because I learned from a very young age that this was normal, and 'marriage' was something that 'had' to be endured. I can go from normal to terrified (at really small things like a glass breaking) in 2 seconds. My anxiety levels are incredibly high, from having grown up in a house where things went from perfectly calm to violence in the blink of an eye. I still hate the sound of a key turning in the door. Still. I'm 35.To be frank, I don't thank my mother for staying for 30+ years with my father. It hasn't done me any favours.

Think about the lessons you are imparting on your little kids.

-it's ok to scream/swear/ whatever at Mummy. Mummy's feelings don't matter
-Mummy is not an equal. Daddy is the boss and all things revolve around what Daddy wants.

• All the money belongs to Daddy.

The teaching kids about commitment line is nonsense - if your kid was punching herself in the head over and over again would you encourage her to keep at it? commit to it? why would you teach kids to 'commit' to behaviour that harms them?

Sorry pickgo, I will listen to your story too.

My H used to help clean up after dinner but he would then start moaning about it. I would just ignore it. Then he got busy with work so he woluld go to his computer to continue working so I thought it was only fair that I clean up.

The kids don't help enough. They moan too but I will insist on daily help. They will clean the car though as they like it.

My H is good at disciplining the kids, better control than I have (because they are sacred of him). He never hits any of us. But will raise his voice & warn them that they will loose privileges.

He constantly tells me the kids don't do as I say and i need to be firmer with them. He always moans about our different Parenting styles. He isn't happy that our oldest is average at school. My H is competitive & wants oldest to be near the top of the class. Same for sport. He takes kids swimming and to rugby practice I the hope they will shine at it. He accepted my advice that oldest has low self esteem because H never seems to feel just content in who his son is. H said he'll tell oldest more often that he loves him just as he is & is proud of him. My H puts pressure on me to do more education at home with him. H never helps with this. He says it's not his job & if I don't do it, I can work full time & he'll get a house keeper in! We were out at the park afew weeks ago & our oldest asked a maths question to H. H said you try & work it out. But oldest couldn't as he felt uncomfortable in the spot light & probably new dad was going to get upset & frustrated. H made a bigs scene & said to oldest that if he didn't start pulling his socks up thathe would have to leave his school & go to a state school as he was not prepared to waste his money. H later apologised to them.

He is old fashioned in that he is provider & I housekeeper & carer. But then he's often not happy with my contribution. He is self employed and he has been severely hit my the recession. We struggle to pay the mortgage & bills as there is little income. The kids are at a private school. We are trying to sell the house & downsize in order to pay of mounting bills.

But you work for the family business, for wages, right?

It does sound like there's financial worries playing into all of this. He's still being a twat, though.

You are staying with a man your kids are SCARED of!?

Wake up. Your no.1 job as a Mum is to PROTECT your dcs.

I know it takes strength and bravery to leave, a lot of which this bully has stripped you of but tough. Prioritise your dcs welfare over your philosophy on marriage and get them out of there.

Get together all your passports, birth certs, financial docs and head to women's aid. Talk to a councellor and have some breathing space to figure out your future.

Hi Rose

re your comment to me:-
"Atilla
I'm still here because I'm too scared to make a fuss and destroy the marriage. I'm too scared about how I will cope alone practically & financially. I've known him since I was 18 years old. If we didn't have kids, maybe I would have left as it would have been easier. But what happened to 'marriage is a journey not a destination'. And if I left, how will my children learn about commitment and working through the hard times. Doesn't anyone believe in this anymore?"

You truly hang yourself by your own petard if you believe that. You need to unlearn all that and fast. Educate yourself as you have yourself written.

He is systematically destroying the marriage by wanting to control and dominate you all the time. He is reserving all his bile and hate purely for you and in turn your children see and hear far more than you realise and take it all in.

Abusers are too very plausible to those in the outside world.

You keep this together at the cost of more emotional harm to yourself and in turn your children. These men too take years to recover from.

You will manage if you leave him, you've been conditioned by him to think that you will not (he has controlled your wages). Also you have not known anyone else since you were 18; you had at that time no life experience behind you so were perhaps more naive to the skilled approaches of such a damaged man anyway. Such men too are highly attuned to women with chinks in their own self worth and self esteem armour and he may well have met you at a time in your life when things were not too good for you. I do not know this for a fact but you may well have at that time seen him as a knight in shining armour, someone who could not do enough for you etc.

Please do not give me this "marriage is a journey not a destination" garbage; that will keep you in your cell of your own making. You are growing flowers in your hole, you need to dig your way out. That too is the sort of crap my MIL would come out with and she has stuck by her useless and nasty H for many years. They are clearly not happy together but they are codependent on each other, neither of them will make any move to leave the other and they do say that misery loves company.

Your H is messing with your head as well as your children's. Re-read your own message of 1.9.11 at 7.56 about him; your children are scared of your man. Do not for the love of God put this man before your children. Your H's answer to work through the hard times is to shout and rant at you and his children; this is not showing them any positive lessons is it?. And you are currently party to the damaging lessons that are being shown to these young people because you put up and shut up.

You have a choice re him Rose, your children do not. If you stayed with this man for the long haul you run a very real risk of your children despising you as well as their dad as adults and not wanting anything to do with you as a result. My own H absolutely cannot abide his Dad for putting his mum through various crap over the years but I also point out to him that his mother has also stayed with him for her own reasons so she cannot be without blame either (societal convention amongst others and financial security).

Rose

Just to say that nobody deserves to be treated like this. You should not be living in fear of the next outburst from your H in your own home. You deserve to be loved and respected in your marriage, and to do the same for your H. That's what the marriage vows mean. There is a passage often read in weddings 'love is patient, kind, not quick to anger etc'.

If you were reading your posts and they were written by a friend of yours, or your daughters in the future would it be easier to feel outrage on your behalf?

Has he been violent to you at all, or pressurized you sexually? Is there anything he could do where you know that it would be the final straw, enough to make you leave?

No he hasn't been violent to any of us nor sexually. I would leave if he hit me or the kids but I can't see him doing that

I am glad about that, but verbal abuse is still abuse, and as other posters have said, it can be very damaging. I'm glad you're getting support from this thread.

Please please leave for the sake of your kids.

Okay imagine in 20 years your daughter/ or daughter in law is describing a marriage just like yours. Will you not feel guilty that you let your daughter be conditioned to think this is how relationships are supposed to be OR your son think this is an acceptable way to treat his wife ad the mother of his children?

Is he working at this relationship? Is he trying to change himself? What counselling is he getting for his rage?

In marriage a husband is "supposed to love his wife as Jesus loves the Church"; is that true of your marriage?

like pickgo - different small things over time - if you start thinking each day and write a journal you might be surprised.
some you become so accustomed to you think it's normal.
but look at what he is doing to your DC.

my exP always put down my Dd - she has coeliac and is v small for age - he would say things like "eat more then you will grow big and tall" "look at your friend xxx she is tall because she eats well" - err no - she will never be tall. it isnt to do with how much she eats...

and Dc couldnt get messy etc in house or he would strop etc.

same to me "look at xxx, she has had 3 children and she is slim. why cant you be? why are you so fat" (i was size 14...)

etc etc.

in the end he got v stressed and had a major MH episode in which he attacked DS, in a way that was a blessing in disguise as it made me see the light... but also counselling helped to see it wasnt just about his MH at all, it was everything else. teh way eh was when eh wasnt in depressed mode. as well as when he was...

(f=his family background one of tense realtionships always calling each otehr "stupid" etcand a mother who pandered to his every whim...)
and that i didnt see a future with him once DC had grown up. when i thought of future when dc grown up i imagined we would start spending more time apart as we clearly had such different views on washing up liquids and stacking dishwashers etc.... it was pointed out to me - why stay now then? why suffer for 13 more years (youngest dd was five)?

it is a good question for you to think about - how do you see your life with H once DC have grown up and gone?

how will your life be in five or ten years time?

if I don't do it, I can work full time & he'll get a house keeper in

How much does he think it will cost to pay for someone to be there when the kids wake up, get them off to school, tidy/clean the house, wash/iron, shop, cook, taxi and share his bed at night?

If he can afford to pay someone to do all that then you might as well apply for the job.

He sees no value in what you do. But he would be prepared to pay someone else to do it

I But what happened to 'marriage is a journey not a destination'. And if I left, how will my children learn about commitment and working through the hard times. Doesn't anyone believe in this anymore?

No, no-one believes in that any more. That was a pup women were sold in the past in order to keep them in line. You don't ignore your gut and ignore your instincts and keep ploughing on regardless in order to 'prove' that you are able to endure the suffering. There are no prizes for who is the best doormat. Not trying to be cruel to you OP. But this is something I learned to my cost.

It's much more important that your children learn that women are to be treated with equality and respect than abused and disrespected. Commitment is earned and reviewed every day, not just given as a matter of course.

As for working through the hard times. Please. Hard times are external forces brought to bear on a family. They are not voluntary tantrums created by the husband over trivia such as glasses in a dishwasher. The fucking cheek of him. HE is the CAUSE of the hard times. It's not your job to make good on his abuse.

It's your job to show your children that the model for a healthy relationship is mutual love and respect.

In my emotionally abusive relationship I always used to trot out the line that no man was perfect and sure what's the point in looking for someone better, they don't exist blah blah blah. But that was a total cop out. Anyway I wasted years trying to fix it and had to get out in the end anyway.

And it turns out there are better men out there. MUCH better. Normal people who are happy and want to have fun and enjoy life and work together with you. Not abuse you mentally. It's a waste of time.

I know this is a lot to take in OP. But keep coming back. Read and educate yourself and you will realise you are being abused.

"But what happened to 'marriage is a journey not a destination'. And if I left, how will my children learn about commitment and working through the hard times. Doesn't anyone believe in this anymore?"
Actually some people might believe some of that. But it doesn't mean putting up with whatever your partner throws at you. It means both of you working together through rough times e.g illness in the family, redundancy and so on. Is your husband really going anywhere? Is he on a journey?

Sorry my DH is not perfect but he is far far better than yours.

Okay from the divorce threads, I wonder if this could be a test of DHs. "If you DH reaches a certain age and wants to buy a leather jacket. How does he respond to the laughter from you and his DCs? a) What laughter you wouldn't dare to laugh at him, b) Go off in a huff, c) Get angry, d) Join in the laughter?" Unless its d) I think there could be a problem.

Marriage is a journey not a destination.

Very good.

But the route this train is taking is going only one way, to Hell, calling at Misery Hill, Sadness Square, Isolation Island, Grief Green and Hopeless Hole.

Time to get your DH a ticket, one way, express service to ... (all together now)
THE FAR SIDE OF FUCK!

a little lightish humour aides survival....

This guy's behaviour IS unreasonable, he's bullying you and threatening you, you can't live like this. Why on earth should you?

You say it'll escalate if you raise the issue, well you know it'll escalate even if you don't. Better you get educated sooner rather than later as to what you really are dealing with and then you have a hope at a normal life, like most other people have and expect.

Who else do you know that actually lives like this?

So he is angry because you make him angry?? Errr no. Anger is his emotion and he is responsible of it, all on his own. Whether he is angry or not is his choice (he could decide to let it wash away like you have been doing for so long)

He is a nice guy and only have a row every 12 weeks or so when and only when yiu actually start to stand up for yourself. Sorry not a nice guy if the only thing he finds acceptable is you being a door mat.

He is a good dad who rules his dcs by using fear.... Again no he isn't a good dad. The behaviors you are describing would actually be classified as emotinal abuse if he was behaving like this with an adult. IMO it's worse because he thinks he can do that because he has someone weaker in font of him. Just for that alone, you and your children would be better on your own.
Is he also like this with you? Putting you on the spot, refusing to help when you ask for some help, putting yu down? Does he do that too when you are working together (It's the 'you are not good enough for me to work with me' that makes me wonder)

And finding another man? Do you think you could live on your own and look after your dcs very well or do you think you need a husband to support you because you are not strong enough to it alone?

As for marriage vows. Fully agree with DontGoCurly. Surviving hard times is about external things or pounctual issue like one partner being ill, having depression or whatever. Not about day to day unacceptable behavors. Which then lead to another question. Do you think his behaviors are totally unacceptable or do you think the just a nuisance and you should learn to live with them better?

You say he hasn't been violent.. he doesn't need to be as he is controlling you very well emotionally and verbally. I wonder how non violent he would be if you really started to stand up for yourself..

I used to think my extremely emotionally and verbally abusive ex would never 'hurt' me. I was wrong and it just took me 'rebelling' a bit to bring that out in him.. The more he lost control of me the worse he got.

How are you today? Hope we haven't overwhelmed you with lots if different advice....

Originalposter
I'm good today. We've had a good heart to heart & we are back on track. He apologised for being quick to anger and he told me he does appreciate all I do. He's feeling big financial pressures that he didn't want to worry me about but has know told me about.

I have researched woman's aid & respect. Awaiting book. But feel like we can work this out.

I will keep you posted

Thanks all xx

Keep in touch!