My husbands thinks I'm being inconsiderate!?

[Rose33]

My husband has been critizing me constantly for days now and its getting worse. He started shouting at me tonight because I put drinking glasses in the dishwasher (we normally hand wash these to keep them in good condition). I told him I decided to put them in the dish washer just this once because I had alot of housekeeping and I really don't think its an issue.

But he started raising his voice and told me he was angry generally because he feels like I'm not considering his opinions & feelings & wishes. Over the last few days he's been moaning about certain food I bought. (I told him I didn't know that he wanted things in particular & he needs to tell me).

I can't believe he feels like this. I'm always considerate to him and the children. In fact, I feel I'm too considerate. I never have my 'own' time. I never complain. I do all the house work and look after the kids. While he'll happily go out once in a while. He has been having a hard time at work and I try to be supportive.

Since we've had kids, He has become more controlling and will raise his voice to get what he wants generally. I've tried to deal with it as best as I can. He is 9 years older than me and earns all the money now so i feel very unequal in the relationship. When I tried to tell him that I'm feeling constantly critized, and pointed out that I don't critize him if he makes mistakes & wastes money, he got even more cross. We also work togther and he is critizing me about what I do at work. He has said he wants me to leave work and get another job as I'm not good at it. He said he'll stop paying me at the end of this month and I'll have to find another job.

He is being a bully but this will escalate if i point it out! Any ideas on how to deal with this will be gratefuly received. I'm feeling very stressed and the kids were upset as they heard him shout too.

Thanks!

Did your husband promise to "love and cherish" rose ?

Also Atilla,
If I did leave, I'm worried whether I would ever find a man that was better. No-ones perfect so isn't it a case of better the devil you know. Maybe the grass isn't greener and then I would regret my decision.

Rose, quite apart from the fact that you will find strength you didn't know you had if you do bring up the children on your own (which, I can assure you can be empowering - even when things are difficult) - I can promise you that there are many, many wonderful men out there who would not dream of treating women/partners the way you have described. Actually, the grass is a lot greener - providing you learn to recognise it and don't get drawn to the same sort of person again (which does happen unfortunately, but need not if you become more aware of this possibility).

hi rose - my kids are 5, 7 and 9
just wanted to ask if your husband is aware that he has anger management issues and would he be prepared to deal with them through therapy (on his own) - sorry if this has already been dealt with in the thread

He blames me for his anger! He says he gets angry because i don't listen & acknowledge his frustration.

I'm worried whether I would ever find a man that was better

Oh, bless you :(

People here have husbands who stack the dishwasher themselves, without asking.
Husbands who automatically involve their wife in decisions like buying a car, and respect her opinions.
Husbands who are upset if they make their wife cry.
Husbands who chat easily with their wife, listening to her and caring what she thinks.
Husbands who support their wife in whatever decision she makes, after equal and respectful discussion.
Husbands who don't control the family money, but share equally without problems.

... and there are thousands of husbands who do ALL this, ALWAYS, and more.

Rose, I think it imperative you find some support in RL

Please reach out to a trusted family member/friend and tell them the truth of how you are living. I expect you have been hiding how bad things really are for a long time. Let people support you.

And also, speak to Women's Aid here

Rose he can be angry. That's fine. We all feel anger. It's one of many emotions we all have.

It's how he expresses his anger that's the problem.

It doesn't matter what made him angry.

He needs to learn to control it and treat others with respect.

If he can't or won't do that, you have the option to leave him.

If it was easy for you, would you want to leave him and live on your own with your children?

Fairenuf
If it was easy, would I want to leave him? No I wouldn't as we're happy most of the time. But of course I would have to if that's what he wanted. Then I would say, great, his loss.

It has NOTHING to do with anger management.It has to do with CONTROL!!!!!

The lovely man from RESPECT told me.......

"everything he says and does has one aim...to get you back under his control"

There is a myriad of information on the internet on this, and like my h, yours sounds pretty textbook. They are ALL THE SAME. They say the same thing in the same order in the same way for the same reason. So much so, it's spooky. Check the links at the top of the page.

Now listen to this.

I was where you are. I did the Freedom programme, separated for nine months last year, he got therapy, appeared to change, so I let him back.

He attacked me...out of the blue, in front of our children, he punched me in the face, kicked me, scratched me so I am permanently scarred, and even bit me.

Do you know why he did this? All the experts do, and a lot of women on here know. (but he doesn't, not consciously)

BECAUSE HE WAS LOSING CONTROL OF ME.

But do you know what...everyone thinks he's "lovely" Charming" "such a great dad" arse.

Really...you're bright....inform yourself, and be careful.

Thisishowifeel
I'm so sad to hear your story. Hope you are ok. I will educate myself. Just bought the books recommended and will research W aid and respect.

I take it he never hit you before this?

No never, not even close. I actually, (codependent) think that he is as shocked as I am. But that changes nothing. He still did it.

We were bestest ever mates before we were a couple. He is so damaged, that even with YEARS of therapy, the outlook is bad.

I am so sorry Rose. But you know, Mumsnet, may be harsh sometimes, and we all come through this process in our own time and our own way, but this place has probably saved my life. Dramatic...maybe, but true.

Stay here. no one will pressure you to go faster than you want.

Thisis, I need a 'like' button for your post :)

Thisishowifeel
So what happens if I want to speak to you all say in 12 weeks time when he kicks off again!? Will this thread stay in relationships & do I just post a message on it?

It will be under your 'threads I started' at the top of the page and if you post on it we will know. You may need to bump it to get attention. Just write bump instead of posting and wait for replies.

That's great, thank you Fairenuff. I feel so much stronger and so glad I posted on here. I would never had got all this support otherwise. Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me.

You're welcome. Please do come back Rose if ever you need support and keep reading the experiences of other people on these boards who know exactly what you're going through and how to help you.

Rose, you know where we are

rose now you've read some thought - you will know to come bak the next time and get more thoughts.
and the next time.
and eventualy you may decide that a life wihtout a man in it but one in which you can stack what the heck you want in your dishwasher is a far better way to live. for you and dc it is freedom.

maybe the glasses in the dishwasher will be the defining moment.
i too got shouted at for stacking dishwasher "the wrong way".
another of mine was purple washng up liquid.
i bought green once.
my ex went mad at me, crazy.
i learned not to buy the wrong colour....then one day you realsie your whole life is built on walking on eggshells trying not to make him criticise or be angry or upset etc

now i buy washng up liquid in every shade i like.

there was alot of other stuff criticising, control etc. his violence during severe MH episodes. etc. and family who later said "what took you so long to leave?" listen to your family and think about it...

but now - freedom to stack dishwasher how i like and put what i like in it

Rose, re jobs for children's school hours/term time - a job in a school? Administrator, secretary, teaching assistent, lab/it technician? or playgroup/toddler group that closes for school hols? I worked nights when my DCs were little in a nursing home (slept in day once they were at school), but of course that is not just term time.

I've ordered the lundy bancroft book too. I left almost 2 years ago now, but want to understand more about ea. It was really scary leaving, but it's been the best almost two years of my life! I feel so peaceful and free now.

Take care Rose and remember you do have a choice, you are not trapped.

Thanks Pickgo
What's your story, did the abuse escalate from the dishwasher & colour of the soap?

Sorry that question was for cestlavielife

The most irrational one was jar lids if they were not put on, not screwed fully on or mixed up he'd be apopletic. But there were so many other things he'd go mad about. I had to have a bath with him every night or he'd sulk for days, he'd never plan any outing but if I insisted I was going out he'd come and plan the day down to each hour so that it was miserable. He hated my good relationships with my family and tried to sour them. The criticism of me was just un-ending. Whatever I did it was never right. My self-confidence just nose-dived until I actually hated the thought of being with people. Luckily I had some really good friends.

It started to extend to my DC particularly my DS who was constantly criticised for just being a child.

It took me about 2 years after I decided to go, before actually leaving. I was really scared of being a lp and really worried about finances. Most strange to me now is that I was also worried about missing Xh. But when I did finally go I actually started to feel better the same day. I can honestly say I have never missed him in a bad way once. The money side of things has worked out ok. We're not wealthy but I can pay the bills. And being a lp I have freedom and peace of mind which is bliss. Sometimes I am lonely but I try to see friends and family then.

DS has been quite difficult on occasion, particularly last year. I've found him saying things he heard X say and have had to really work hard at insisting he is respectful and does his chores around the house. This year he's been much better and I feel proud of him, and I think he is basically happy now.

I so regret that I didn't get out of it sooner. I could have saved myself and DS a lot of unhappiness.

Oh

I thought you meant me....me, me, me

I think Rose is looking for support from you too pickgo