My husbands thinks I'm being inconsiderate!?

[Rose33]

My husband has been critizing me constantly for days now and its getting worse. He started shouting at me tonight because I put drinking glasses in the dishwasher (we normally hand wash these to keep them in good condition). I told him I decided to put them in the dish washer just this once because I had alot of housekeeping and I really don't think its an issue.

But he started raising his voice and told me he was angry generally because he feels like I'm not considering his opinions & feelings & wishes. Over the last few days he's been moaning about certain food I bought. (I told him I didn't know that he wanted things in particular & he needs to tell me).

I can't believe he feels like this. I'm always considerate to him and the children. In fact, I feel I'm too considerate. I never have my 'own' time. I never complain. I do all the house work and look after the kids. While he'll happily go out once in a while. He has been having a hard time at work and I try to be supportive.

Since we've had kids, He has become more controlling and will raise his voice to get what he wants generally. I've tried to deal with it as best as I can. He is 9 years older than me and earns all the money now so i feel very unequal in the relationship. When I tried to tell him that I'm feeling constantly critized, and pointed out that I don't critize him if he makes mistakes & wastes money, he got even more cross. We also work togther and he is critizing me about what I do at work. He has said he wants me to leave work and get another job as I'm not good at it. He said he'll stop paying me at the end of this month and I'll have to find another job.

He is being a bully but this will escalate if i point it out! Any ideas on how to deal with this will be gratefuly received. I'm feeling very stressed and the kids were upset as they heard him shout too.

Thanks!

He's a controlling bully plain and simple. Stop the cooking, let him initiate the divorce. If that's all it takes for him to want to get divorced then his marraige vows don't mean very much to him do they?

I wish you all the best.

Regarding him getting angry. He said he was calm at first and just wanted me to do as we agreed (not putting drinking glasses in the dishwasher). And that he generally felt not considered. (He said he felt unappreciated & like a second class citizen in his own home) I said, let's not make a big deal about it. I won't put glasses in the dishwasher again. And I will make more effort to consider him. I then also went onto say that he was making a big fuss over this and I don't do that to him. For example, he recently bought a car that he then decided he didn't like. I didn't start critizing him about wasting time & money on it. That's when he got mad and said I gave him a back handed put down. He doesn't feel listened to and so he wants me to leave work etc etc as my original email...

have you read ALL the marriage vows? Arent there bits about cherishing each other in there too?

" I will remind him how lucky he is to have me as there are plenty of women that would have left by now"

not a good line to take. it is confrontational and martyr-ish.

either you prepared to stay in this marraige with an angry person who belittles you or you arent

read lundy bancroft.

get another job away from him. some retailers do term time work depends what you do?

He treats you like a skivvy, is sacking you from your job because he has a strop on, still expects you to bring a wage in but doesnt help in the house and YOU are being inconsiderate?!

Why on earth are putting up with this shit? You are being financially and verbally abused, you are being sidelined and expected to kowtow to the lord and master and you still want to be with him?

Can I suggest you get some therapy to deal with what must be hellishly low self esteem if you think that he has the right to treat you like this and that you must just take it?

He doesn't feel listened to

That's probably true. One of the hardest parts about this sort of relationship is the recognition that you are not dealing with a sane, rational human being! Normally, we respond to petty criticisms with a bit of justification, a bit of compromise, as you did - to us, it's a negotiation.

Your H, however, is unable to process that kind of mutually-understanding exchange. Picture a tired toddler, losing the plot because they (think they) want a cake. You know it's not about cake, it's just that the child feels cross that life isn't perfect (because they're tired). We deal with toddlers by hearing the complaint - yes, you want a cake - and acting on the real problem - come over here and sit with me. See what I mean?

It's not about how you washed the glasses, that's his "cake". If you act like it was a reasonable demand (explaining why you put them in the machine), you escalate the problem. Exactly as you would by getting into a row about cake with the toddler.

That's why I suggested a "Yes, dear" approach. Resign yourself to the fact that you're married to a two-year old ... and start the groundwork for your exit

Of course, it's bonkers to get into "Well YOU do this other annoying thing!" with anybody, whatever their emotional age. Hopefully, you will see the futility of that once you see the 'toddler'.
Good luck.

That's when he got mad and said . . .

That's when you walk away. Either he talks to you adult-adult or not at all.

If this behaviour of his is permanent, you walk away permanently.

It's not an easy thing to do but making the decision to do it is that simple.

I feel really on your behalf. 'I will stop paying you..' Good grief!!! He really thinks he's the boss, doesn't he?

I agree that a different job would be a good idea, although it's a shame that it 'gets him what he wanted'. Just make sure you don't end up still working for him as well as doing your new job as well as the housework and the child-care etc etc.

And rage 'running in families'?! How convenient. So does bullying, I bet

I'd be going on wife strike and everytime he critisizes you fior not doing it say.

'you've made it clear I'm no good at it so I won't "

i'd keep your phone handy incase he gets nasty he sounds nasty tbh

Hi Rose33
I recognise my husband in yours. Mine is bad tempered as well and comes from a family of bad tempered (in varying degrees) extremely stubborn siblings (though not their mother) whom I think are either copying or have got it from their long dead alcoholic father. With hindsight I should have run a long time ago but we now have three kids so it is much harder. However I actually AM a really rubbish housewife so I'm sure your husband would have sacked me a long time ago . Wasn't part of you tempted to accept when he suggested a divorce? Sorry am being flippant but I do sometimes wish my husband would suggest a separation (amicably of course - fool's paradise) ....
Anyway I really feel for you as my husband does the raising his voice when challenged thing / or when expressing displeasure at something I have done or not done - and I am afraid I try to ignore it completely but end up feeling like a sheep - so we are ok during the week when he is at work and I am doing the childcare / school run thing, but at the weekend he is extremely sarcastic and critical and I feel as if I have completely lost my voice. There is also zero affection between us.
Your husband's attitude towards you working with him sounds really awful and I am sorry.

Re. the glasses in the dishwasher thing, mine once went ape because I was placing glasses and mugs in front of plates in the plate cupboard. I had ignored his repeated requests to place the mugs elsewhere as I thought it was fine and we could still reach the plates until one day he went completely ape about it.

Sorry I have not given much advice. I do understand where you are coming from though because my dh is pretty angry and controlling by nature as well - and on a short fuse .
My aunt has repeatedly told me I need to stand up to my dh but somehow I find this such a ridiculous concept that I am supposed to stand up to someone who is supposed to love me. Clearly he doesn't though.
Garlicnutter your tired toddler analogy is helpful so thank you.
Rose33 - how old are your children and is their family that could support you were you to get separated? I know that separation is such an enormity - a preposterous thought (and not one that I am entertaining at the moment since I think there are things I can do to improve things in my own behaviour before it comes to that), but really marriage should be a renegotiable contract, not a prison sentence.

Hi shocked2
Great to hear your similar experiences.
The kids are 6 & 9 years old.
We don't argue all the time. I'd say probably about once every 12 weeks when I decide to not take his crap and make a stand. Normally, I decide it's not worth the fight and as long as I know in myself what's right I'll let it wash over me. I can normally get my point across when he has calmed down.

We have great fun times in between so I'm not going to push for a divorce. We've been there and both decided we wanted to try to work things out. Yes, it's because we have children we want to stay together.

I believe no marriage is perfect. Yes, there are husbands that may not have such a short fuse. I can talk to my family who are very supportive. They just think since I'm not prepared to leave that I should ignore when he's cross & talk to him when he has calmed down.

I'm feeling alot better today and he has calmed down too.

Garlic utter
Helpful advice re toddler. I like the 'yes dear' approach but I don't want to exit... Is there anything else I can do to sort this out? Do you think it's a mental problem... Is there any medicine/treatment for that!?

husbandectomy?

Don't you get it?

When you start to cope with his outbursts, he'll get even angrier? he'll get even nastier and keep getting nasty UNTIL you cower in fear, and return back under the stone he put you under? That bar will be raised every time, as soon as you reach it.

There is never, ever going to be a day when these guys wake up, realise what they have done, turn to you, apologise, vow never to do it again, and mean it. NEVER. The more you say something really hurts you, the more they will find ways to do it. BECAUSE IT WORKS!

These men can change, but only if THEY want to. Your actions, words, appearance, thoughts, past, future, glasses in or out of dishwasher will never be right, he will always find something.

This is not something that will get better with time, just as an addict needs more and more drug to get his fix, an abuser needs to inflict more and more pain, remove more and more joy from your life, and hurt you more and more to get the satisfaction that only comes when he's crushed you.

in a relationship with EA/DV EVERYONE suffers. The victims include partners, children, grandchildren, likewise your own family, your parents and your siblings, as they ALL are fearing for what you will have normalised next.

Staying with this man for the sake of the children? great. you are setting them up for a life of misery, as bad if not worse potentially than the life you lead.

If you have sons, imagine the heartbreak you will feel if you get the merest whiff that he is systematically destroying his wife, mother of your grandchildren and even the GC themselves with the same, if not more finely honed, methods of cruelty that you are enduring.

Glad you and shocked found it helpful, Rose. Hope it makes life a little less stressful.

Afraid I agree with Fairenuff's recommendation on treatment! You have to take things at your own pace, though, so whatever keeps your mind clear is good for now :)

Whoops, distracted, meant to say:

Your actions, words, appearance, thoughts, past, future, glasses in or out of dishwasher will never be right, he will always find something.... YOU are not the one causing ANY of this, all of it is about HIS entitlement, HIS rights to demand control, HIS insecurity. You don't even figure as a human being, your rights are immaterial, they are merely in the way of his domination.

What you do, don't do, say, don't say, be, not be, none of it will ever make a difference. This abuse is HIS CHOICE, it's actually got NOTHING to do with YOU.

Let it go, let HIM go and save your DC before it's too late. Please don't allow more monsters to be created.

Rose

Oh dear, he has conditioned you very well to get you to such a low point in your life that you write such things in your last 2 posts.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Be honest with your own self here.

How is he prepared to work things out really; words are cheap after all and its actions that matter.

No medicine will fix this and I would think that such a man would be completely averse to any therapy in the first place. Also even if he was willing to do any counselling (which he has shown no intention of doing thus far) it would take a skilled therapist years to unravel all the damaging patterns he himself learnt.

If you did not have children by him, would you be with him now?. Are the children really therefore the glue that binds this unhealthy imbalance of power together?. Unfair on the children I think to give them such a responsibility and they won't thank you as adults for staying with such an individual if you chose to. They could well despise you for doing so and wonder why you stayed with him. You really do not want them asking you why you put him before them.

He holds all the cards; he controls your money and he has told you to get another job as he considers you no good at working with him. He has told you that he will stop paying you as of the end of the month. He has also raised the spectre to you of divorce before now; he won;t leave because he likes keeping you in the poor position you are in. You have no say and he will not allow you to have any say. You don't really make a stand; you always back down in the face of his anger and even when he's calm he's not listening to you at all.

Your children are undoubtedly learning damaging lessons from you both re relationships. Do you not consider that you are both currently teaching them damaging lessons?. Your appeasing him does not work, all he has to do is bide his time and then the cycle starts up again. Currently we are in the calm phase. It won't last. He does nice/nasty very well but this is a continuous cycle in the cycle of abuse.

To me, "letting it wash over me" is the same as condoning his verbal abuse of you

Your dc will get that impression too

It's ok for daddy to shout at mummy, because she doesn't mind

Letting your dc witness abuse, of a physical, emotional or verbal variety is a form of abuse in itself

it will certainly damage your dc's ability to make sound judgments about their own relationships in the future

staying with a man who wants to crush the person he is supposed to love is a very distorting lesson to pass along to your children

I do hope you'll speak to Women's Aid. There is a pattern of abuse going on here, the 'good behaviour' inbetween is typical of abusive behaviour. They are never abusive 100% of the time - because then their victims would suss it out quicker and leave. He rows and shouts when you speak out, therefore rebelling against his control. The reason that happens infrequently is because you rebel infrequently. If you pulled him up every time he was unreasonable and/or controlling you'd be getting shouted out a lot more often. These cycles of abuse have a nasty habit of escalating over the years, often into physical violence. Don't buy into the 'runs in the family' fairy tale - that's just a way of hiding the fact that he makes his own choices about how to behave. He chooses to abuse you.

Rose, your family think you should leave?

Crikey, that's serious. What do they say when you talk about it with them?

for "mummy doesn't mind" read "mummy is not important, nor does she deserve respect"

I have copied this post from the thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1290107-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-4

barbiegrows Wed 31-Aug-11 17:42:19

Sadly it seems that we are shaped as young people, either by our parents directly or just by witnessing their unhealthy relationship and then normalising it. So when Mum thinks it's best not to say anything when Dad shouts at her and calls her names, we pick up 'it's OK for men to shout at women and call them names'. Or ignore them, or get a kick out of winding them up. But as soon as you realise the way your parents relationship has affected you, everything else falls into place. Only then can you make real choices about the partner that's right for you. Up until then you had been making choices about partners that suit your damaged self, not your true self. It all seems very intense and complicated and deserving of years of analysis, but it really isn't. It's actually very very simple and straightforward.

As children we learn to protect ourselves from hurt and pain. One of the easiest ways to do this is to normalise it. Once upon a time, we saw Dad shouting at Mum and calling her names and were shocked and confused and sad. But we blotted those feelings out so that it didn't hurt so much to see it.

A good clue is looking at your siblings - see what their relationships are like.

That's why it is child abuse to allow children to witness abuse.

Atilla
I'm still here because I'm too scared to make a fuss and destroy the marriage. I'm too scared about how I will cope alone practically & financially. I've known him since I was 18 years old. If we didn't have kids, maybe I would have left as it would have been easier. But what happened to 'marriage is a journey not a destination'. And if I left, how will my children learn about commitment and working through the hard times. Doesn't anyone believe in this anymore?

Rose lots of people believe in marriage vows. Your husband is not one of them.

Working through the hard times is only a good idea when both partners accept their part and make equal efforts in putting it right

When it is one-sided, somebody will suffer for the sake of the relationship

That would be you, and by association, your children

Does your husband accept that he makes you unhappy and make clear, measurable, sustained efforts to remedy that ?