Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What would you do if you knew you were just "easy option" for your DP

52 replies

MellonCollie · 30/08/2011 15:55

Just curious. Imagine the scenario where you know deep down that your DP is only with you because it's easier to stay with you than it is to spend time alone looking for someone better. You're an easier option than going through all the dating and searching again. You're an easy option when it comes to company as without you, your DP has none and so he relies on you for his social life including cinema, drinks, live music and days out. You're a guaranteed supply of sex.
You also know deep down that if someone "better" did present themselves to your DP, he wouldn't think twice. You also know that if you were to finish with him today, he would be registered on every dating site going by tonight.

You know all this, at least you think you do. You have no proof - just that odd, random niggle that comes into your head every now and again. The niggle that appears when said partner rarely contacts you for a few days after a weekend or the niggle that pops up when you remember he came back to you after the girl at work turned him down.

You have no other problems and on the surface, everything is great. But that niggle just won't go away.

OP posts:

buzzsorekillington · 30/08/2011 16:04

If I really believed that, I think I'd have to end it.

If I thought it might be low self-esteem or depression speaking through this doubt, I'd consider counselling/meds for myself.

And if it was that he's undemonstrative and doesn't show he cares, I'd consider asking to go to relationship counselling.

But if I really truly believed I was being settled for, I hope I'd have the strength to tell him to fuck the fuck off.

PhilipJFry · 30/08/2011 16:08

I hope I would try to get out before something happened that tied me to them permanently like an unexpected pregnancy and I felt trapped with someone that didn't truly want me. It is not unrealistic and demanding to want someone who really wants you, all your faults and all your good parts, and wants you enough to not want to be with anyone else now or in the future.

I would leave because I know from bitter experience that some little niggles about one's partner may be signs of bad or even terrible things to come, and pushing them down doesn't make them go away or hold them back forever. The person you describe doesn't sound like someone to go through life's ups and downs with- if they'd seize opportunities to go off with other people at present they'd be even more likely to do so during dark patches. You want to be part of a team, not with someone eying the nearest exit for the duration of the relationship.

Also, the effect this would have on your self esteem over the years would be catastrophic.

AMumInScotland · 30/08/2011 16:09

I think I'd start by being less "available" - try to develop other friendships, get a hobby, etc. See how he reacts. Don't be such an easy option, and see what happens.

warthog · 30/08/2011 16:15

i would leave now without question. really i would, because your life is on hold with this bloke.

if you wanted to progress the relationship you couldn't because you don't really trust him.

i'd rather be alone than with someone who thought

a) i was second best
b) he might leave whenever he thought a better option came along
c) he isn't trustworthy

AngryFeet · 30/08/2011 16:23

I would leave although I would probably ask him first to be honest with me. I could not spend my life with someone who did not adore me completely and vice versa - too much of a waste of the short time we have here IMO.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 30/08/2011 16:23

I'd fuck him off OP, and that's what you need to do.

Original poster

MellonCollie · 30/08/2011 16:42

See the reason I think like this is because we did split up last year and literally days later he was on a ton of dating sites sending 10+ messages to women daily. He kept this up for a week and then when he got no response there he started trying to get the attention of a girl from work. When that didn't work out he came back to me and said he'd missed me (evidently not that much!) and wanted us to try again. I didn't know all this at the time so agreed to give things another go. At first I got texts off him every morning, mid day and every evening - then that dried up. Now he'll suddenly become more attentive from around thursdays up to the weekend, we'll spend the weekend together and then I hear hardly anything from him until the following thursday when weekend is approaching again.
He has no friends - which is why I think he uses me for company too. If I didn't exist in his life, he'd never go anywhere and would suffer very boring, lonely weekends.
A while ago he began speaking to a woman online that he knew from school, become very engrossed in it and began ignoring me almost - until she started going on about how she was soon to be married and very happy etc and all of a sudden he didn't want to speak to her anymore and started talking more to me again.
I just know that if he met someone he liked at work or whatever, he wouldn't think twice of ending it with me. Actually I suspect he wouldn't end it with me until he was positive he and OW would work out as he's the type that doesn't like to cut the rope too quickly IYSWIM

But then, maybe I am being paranoid/needy.

OP posts:

buzzsorekillington · 30/08/2011 16:45

I think you'd be better off without him then.

lazarusb · 30/08/2011 16:51

You don't sound paranoid or needy. You've answered your own question. If he has to suffer lonely weekends, that's not your problem. Stop undervaluing yourself - you are being used and he's barely even pretending that he cares about you.

akaemmafrost · 30/08/2011 16:53

Me and my ex had A LOT of problems. Big ones. However these days when I am mulling over our relationship the one of the issues that sticks the most in my mind and still hurts me a bit was how when he started a new job working with lots of women, almost from the first day he began to distance himself from me, holding me at arms length. It was as plain as the nose on his face that he had seen someone(s) there that he fancied and was trying to mentally remove himself from any closeness with me. Wouldn't move out though, oh no, still wanted his socks washed and meals cooked.

So my answer, knowing what I know now would be to dump his sorry arse the minute I felt that unwanted feeling again.

I am single now and I do get the odd lonely day but for about 95% of the time I am filled with total relief at my single status. I like those odds and I don't plan on changing my status anytime soon, if ever. If you really think that he feels that way and I am sorry but I agree from what you have written, I would dump him, unless you happy for it to not be serious and for him to just be a way to pass the time when you are bored. Nothing wrong with that if you are both on the same page but if you want more. Get Rid.

warthog · 30/08/2011 17:01

listen to your instincts. trust yourself more than him. i don't think he's demonstrated otherwise!!!

TheFlyingOnion · 30/08/2011 17:05

you don't live together? Ditch him! What makes you think you are only worth being second best?

Squitten · 30/08/2011 17:31

What would I do? Thank the fates that I realised this before marriage or, even worse, babies and run for the hills. I would never be someone's second choice

babyhammock · 30/08/2011 18:10

Don't respond to his texts this thursday and go out with YOUR mates for the weekend... 'er sorry, hadn't heard from you so made other plans'

Then ditch him. Life is too short x

weeonion · 30/08/2011 18:47

do you love him?

HedleyLamarr · 30/08/2011 19:19

MellonCollie I read your OP and wondered why you thought like that. Then I read your follow up where you answered your own question. You're right, he's using you. It's entirely up to you what you do, but I would be moving on in this situation, I would not put up with being "the easy option". Even I deserve better than that. So do you.

HairyGrotter · 30/08/2011 19:23

The behaviour he is displaying is exactly the behaviour I would display if I were bored and a little lonely. He is using you, and you deserve much much better.

ChippingIn · 30/08/2011 19:27

While you are with him, you aren't free to find the love of your life... why are you still with him?

DontGoCurly · 30/08/2011 19:36

I'd just never call him back. Go out and ride rings around meself meet lots of new and interesting men people.

FabbyChic · 30/08/2011 19:47

I'd leave or ask him to leave. I'd get on with my life and eventually find someone who loved me for me, who didnt just put up with me.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2011 20:59

I would do what you should do

Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier, you are no bloke's fall-back shag

Then get yourself out there and write him off

He is an adequate, defective partner and while you stay attached to him, any other decent blokes will keep their distance

HerHissyness · 30/08/2011 21:19

Why on earth are you shortselling your own dignity and putting up with this?

How do you honestly think he's going to value you if you don't value yourself?

Not that I think he's bright enough to see how great you are, but that is HIS loss!

If you stay another second with this LOSER, he will have you believing that you genuinely are not worth a million billion times better than this guy is even pretending to be.

He must be a real creep that all his tens of messages to dating sites, and trying to pick up women ALL resulted in precisely NOTHING!

You want him to take notice of you?

Dump HIM! Tell HIM he's history, that he is no longer welcome in YOUR life.

Then realise that you have done yourself the biggest kindness in years, got rid of a really dreadful person.

Get FUCKING angry, You have every right to be! He is taking up valuable space and precious time in your life. Don't waste another second with this guy. Honestly.

perfumedlife · 30/08/2011 21:28

Are you the poster who was upset about hiim buying a rabbit picture for a female friend a while back op? Your story sounds familiar. He sounds like that guy, I remember thinking he was using you then, and you were feeling insecure about yourself?

All thats changed is you have endured another year of this crap. It won't get better.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2011 21:39

He is really vile, OP. Get rid of him. Being on your own for a while is much better than putting up with this idiot.

EightiesChick · 30/08/2011 21:40

Definitely make other plans this weekend, if you aren't up to taking more drastic steps yet. You aren't his social secretary. He can sort himself out.

Flip

1 2 3