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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do if you knew you were just "easy option" for your DP

52 replies

MellonCollie · 30/08/2011 15:55

Just curious. Imagine the scenario where you know deep down that your DP is only with you because it's easier to stay with you than it is to spend time alone looking for someone better. You're an easier option than going through all the dating and searching again. You're an easy option when it comes to company as without you, your DP has none and so he relies on you for his social life including cinema, drinks, live music and days out. You're a guaranteed supply of sex.
You also know deep down that if someone "better" did present themselves to your DP, he wouldn't think twice. You also know that if you were to finish with him today, he would be registered on every dating site going by tonight.

You know all this, at least you think you do. You have no proof - just that odd, random niggle that comes into your head every now and again. The niggle that appears when said partner rarely contacts you for a few days after a weekend or the niggle that pops up when you remember he came back to you after the girl at work turned him down.

You have no other problems and on the surface, everything is great. But that niggle just won't go away.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/08/2011 21:40

If this is the poster PL is referring to, we are all wasting our time

Hey-ho

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 30/08/2011 21:47

Yup and the OP will probably disappear now.

BeforeAndAfter · 30/08/2011 22:02

Imagine that you end up getting married to him.

Imagine that you end up having DCs together.

Imagine that he is always on his computer/mobile phone/X-box when you want him to help you with the chores, the kids or to just actually DO something with you that's fun.

Your randon niggle will become something huge and before you know it you realise that you settled for second best when you could have been out there now finding someone who would love and cherish you as you would love and cherish them.

Even worse than settling for second best you remember this thread and you realise that you settled for being second best yourself.

Finish it now.

perfumedlife · 30/08/2011 22:31

Gawd, hardly ever venture on here now, and when I do, I go and kill the thread Blush

AnyFucker · 30/08/2011 22:36

nah, PL, you didn't do that

warthog · 30/08/2011 22:42

how long have you been with this tosspot? and how long has this shit been going on?

perfumedlife · 30/08/2011 22:43

Smile Makes a change then AF Grin

Just spent an hour reading the 28 page marathon and still confused. Things feel so Confused strange atm.

wanttobeabettermum · 30/08/2011 22:58

Hi there. Just wanted to say I finally got the balls yesterday to ditch the leech who I stupidly let into my life, and left me feeling just like you. I am a career woman who has brought up a child for 10 years on my own, and this guy was my first relationship in all that time. My 8 months with him have left me feeling crap. I am worth more. You are too. I am sad, but overall, relieved. He was slowly chipping away at my self esteem. Don't put up with it. Good luck x

HerHissyness · 31/08/2011 00:21

well done for getting out wanttobe! your 8m will be forgotten in no time, but a lesson or two I dare say!

Don't feel despondent, you saw it, you called it, you are out! There is a heck of a lot to say for decisive action! Grin

solidgoldbrass · 31/08/2011 00:31

Don't just dump him - well do dump him, but in addition to that, make yourself a promise to take a year off dating and men while you work on your self-esteem. Because the only reason to put up with being treated the way this man is treated you is that you have low self-esteem and are desperate not to be single. It's only when you can be perfectly happy single that you actually have any chance of having a decent couple-relationship - and you know that if a decent partner doesn't appear, it doesn't matter that much: better to be on your own than exhausting yourself trying to make an unsatisfactory man into a good partner.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2011 06:06

I found out during annulment proceedings that one thing impelling exH to propose to me was his decision to move back to the US and his fear that if he did and I stayed where we were at the time, our relationship would grind to a halt. If that can be believed. exH's powers of introspection were glaringly lacking throughout the 18 or so years we were married and even moreso in the documents he submitted to the tribunal, so he may have been just typing out his arse. He certainly wasn't able to give any reason to do with love, passion, commitment, whatever else you might expect to see in answer to 'Why did you decide to marry your spouse?'.

Don't stick it out. Don't throw good time after bad. Time already spent is gone and you will never get it back. The only thing you have is the future. I spent far too long trying to salvage the present and thus justify the past and it was a waste of my precious time, which is all any of us has.

Original poster
MellonCollie · 31/08/2011 09:04

No rabbit pictures as far as I know(!!) I think you have me mixed up with someone else.

I had a dream last night that I ended it and he didn't care, just wanted me to leave his house quickly so he could get onto the internet.

It's not that I'm scared of being single, I quite liked being single actually and pretty soon I'm going to be too busy for a relationship anyway studying full time, working part time but I guess I just have trouble trusting my own judgement. I know what he's thinking yet I always have it at the back of my mind "maybe you're just being paranoid".

This relationship is not making me happy either way so it does need to end.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 31/08/2011 09:53

His behaviour while you were apart makes it clear that you're not being paranoid - you have split up before, and he's behaved just as you said - this isn't something that is in your imagination.

I think you either need to split up from him, or at the very least develop your own social life so that when he gets in touch on a Thursday you already have plans for the weekend which don't include him. He's relying on you for his social life, but maybe you are relying on him too, if you think he's worth having in your life in spite of the fact you know you're only his fallback plan.

Move your life to a point where his company is a long way down your list of priorities too. Right off the bottom of the list would be a good aim, but even a few notches down from where he is now would be a start.

pictish · 31/08/2011 10:00

If you don't feel cherished or singled out as the ultimate prize, then you need to end the relationship. You need to be available for someone who thinks you're the dogs bollocks.
It certainly sounds as though you're his convenient stop over, rather than his soulmate.
You definitely shouldn't settle for that.

lazarusb · 31/08/2011 10:29

Your judgement sounds fine, a little late, but fine. You don't get any prizes for staying with a fuckwitted waste of space (as many of us know!), but you will have an immense sense of relief when the deed is done. Even when you end it, he will think entirely of himself as you predict. Do it soon.

warthog · 31/08/2011 10:48

seriously you gotta learn to trust yourself. sounds like you have self esteem ishoos. you need to work on that! cos you're worth it Grin

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 14:14

ok, thanks for coming back, you ain't that other daft sap who let a bloke treat her like a second class citizen

but

you are a daft sap for letting a bloke treat you like a second class citizen

sort it out, fgs

HeifferunderConstruction · 31/08/2011 16:19

"a ton of dating sites sending 10+ messages to women daily. He kept this up for a week and then when he got no response there he started trying to get the attention of a girl from work. "

The cheek of this person seriously, being someones 2.3, 0r 15th choice is so bad for your Self esteem why are you putting up with this??

I wouldn't give a toss if he had boring , lonely weekends after that treatment

you need to look after your self respect coz tbh thats all you have, boot him out the nest time you see messaging going on tell yourself, promise yourself

the next time this happens , I will kick him out.

Teaandcakeplease · 31/08/2011 16:27

Love akaemmafrost's post and AF's. End it now, you deserve better.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 16:55

nah, don't wait until the next time

decide that today you will remove that "mug" stamp from your forehead

it's not permanent, it's a temporary tattoo

nametapes · 31/08/2011 17:01

Zap him in the goollies with a cattle prod...!!! Grin

overmydeadbody · 31/08/2011 17:07

If I were in your position I would break off the relationship sharpish.

There is no point in ebing with someone who is just using you.

When he texts you tomorrow, just tell him you're busy at the weekend with other friends etc..

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 17:15

When he texts you tomorrow, just tell him you're busy at the weekend with other friends etc..

and that you have decided that today is the very last day you will be somebody's fool....

electra · 31/08/2011 17:44

I'd leave - I couldn't be with someone who thought there were loads of more better options out there, that would make me feel shit. And also I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't be bothered to make sure they're with someone they really cherish.

abedelia · 31/08/2011 18:32

He sounds a real charmer. What makes him think he's so great that he can have you at his beck and call while he acts disinterested and tries to run after anything else with a pulse?

The opinion of all those online ladies he propositioned (not to mention woman at work and his old girlfriend - who has experience of him and ran away) is that he's a bit of a twat. I'd listen to the consensus. Ditch him and find a man who trwats you properly. He has ground you down and that's why you think this is all you deserve...