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Original poster

MIL probs - driving a wedge?

69 replies

deliakate · 30/08/2011 15:11

DH has recently told me that his mother was in floods of tears last time she visited because I had not made her feel welcome enough. I am very surprised about this, as I have certainly not intended to offend her in any way. BUT also very surprised that she would put that kind of emotional pressure on DH - he really feels like piggy in the middle, and I just thing it was wrong of her.

There is a little history - we got on OK, not great, for a couple of years, but last xmas I felt myself cooling towards her, as she was rather unfeeling to me when we visited and I was suffering from depression during my second pregnancy (she told DH I was just playing up), and I had an horrific time at their house.

For that and lots of other reasons to do with her non-acceptance of who I am, I really now try to keep a low profile when I see them, and allow them to concentrate on being with DH and their GCs. But MIL is of another generation, and she would probably say, another class - she has been to Swiss Finishing School, and really goes all out to be the hostess when you visit her. So I really think she feels offended if she doesn't get the same treatment in return. I am NEVER rude to her, but this is someone who can perceive it to be rude if you spend 5 mins checking an email when she is visiting, or don't offer a cup of tea at the right time etc. Manners!

DH is very close to her, so he is feeling conflicted, and has even suggested to me that some of my other friends have lovely manners, so why don't I. We argue about it quite a lot.

Please, if you want to reply, read my subsequent posts and answers, because sure I haven't written every detail above!

OP posts:
Bert2e · 30/08/2011 15:25

But checking emails when you have guests is rude!

blackeyedsusan · 30/08/2011 15:27

checking emails could be seen as rude, on the other hand if she has been less than nice to you in the past it is natural that you will withdraw a bit.

pommedechocolat · 30/08/2011 15:30

I think I give you the benefit of the doubt due to what she said about your post natal depression. That's horrendous and your dh is being a wuss not standing up for you there.

On the other things I am on the fence - could be either of you.

ViviPru · 30/08/2011 15:30

"has even suggested to me that some of my other friends have lovely manners, so why don't I."

Assuming you've not suddenly altered your behaviour then you've always had the same manners; those you had when he chose to be with you in the first place. In that case, its unreasonable of him to expect you to change, I suppose.

cheesespread · 30/08/2011 15:30

what exactly were u meant to have done to upset her?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 30/08/2011 15:38

when she visits is it for an afternoon or several days (I read it as a more extended stay) which makes a difference on the email checking front.

As for your DH commenting on the manners of your friends Hmm you were good enough for him to marry but now he wants to change you. In my eyes etiquette / finishing school ( these are not the same as good manners) all smack of a diiferent era where women were solely expected to keep things nice in the home and pander to their dh. Fuck all of that I have no desire to return to the 1950's why should you.

YANBU

G1nger · 30/08/2011 15:41

I second cheesespread's question there.

As for your two examples, so far: checking an email is rude and no one needs to go to Swiss Finishing School to know that. And not offering someone a drink within a few minutes of their getting through the door is rude, too. or are there additional 'timings' on when she expects cups of tea that you can't decipher.

I would find it very annoying to have to entertain someone whose standards are too high and who is easy to offend... But my questions to you are these:

  1. Did your good mannered friends go to Swiss Finishing School too? or is she really only after a few basics that we all know?
  2. How did you offend her this time?
Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 15:42

We come from such different backgrounds. When I visit my family, they really let me get on with my own thing. My own mother will spend hours working, going online etc, father gardening - they don't put their lives on hold when they have visitors.

MIL prepares for visitors for about three weeks in advance, its all a massive rigmarole and when they are there she never lets them get a moment alone. Its cloying and I hate it, but its just different upbringings, and I accept that and would never cry to DH about it.

Its just her expecting that back in return. We have two little ones, the visit in question, DD was just 7 weeks old, DS almost 2 years. I am not the most effusive person at the best of times, and was somewhat distracted to say the least.

But I seriously thing she was wrong to add to our troubles when we don't have the most strong of marriages, two very little babies, and now, her emotional outbursts too.

OP posts:
Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 15:43

There are hundreds of things I can't decipher. They stay for a long weekend (4 nights) every time they come. If she was here for an hour or two, of course I wouldn't leave her.

OP posts:
pommedechocolat · 30/08/2011 15:45

Too long! 4 night is too long.

We recently tried a 24 hour visit with ILs and it was soooo much better (and I've had issues with them since dd was born).

However if you believe she is the issue with your marriage you are wrong. Your dh is the issue in your marriage if he keeps siding against you.

cjbartlett · 30/08/2011 15:45

Does she stay over or does she just come for the afternoon?

fluffles · 30/08/2011 15:46

checking an email may be rude if somebody comes to visit for a couple of hours but not if they're staying for two days - it's all relative!

some visits can be excruciatingly like a jane austen novel if all are expected to sit round having tea for hours on end. at the other end of the scale, some people can make visitors feel unwelcome by largely ignoring them. i think somewhere inbetween is ideal but everybody has different expectations.

cjbartlett · 30/08/2011 15:49

Oops crossed posts
Oh yes you can't expect not to get on with stuff all that time

Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 15:49

They always stay over - they live 200+ miles away.

I feel unwelcome in my own home sometimes when they visit - MIL and FIL don't have a TV, and they take over the sitting room watching rugby or cricket, eating in there and drinking wine for hours on end.

An example of how I upset her at her own home once - wore slippers (nice grey sheepskin booties) to the dinner table. The looks!

OP posts:
Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 15:52

But yes, I know DH needs to stick up for me a bit more. To them he says he does. But with me, he is critical.

OP posts:
G1nger · 30/08/2011 15:53

As far as I'm concerned then, if someone comes for a catch up and stays for an hour or two then they can (and probably should) expect a very attentive host. But after the first night, they need to settle in to the way things are done in that household - and especially if they have stayed there on numerous occasions. I have stayed with my sister many times over the years, and on the occasions when her partner came across as less than enthusiastic about my presence I asked myself what I could do in future to make him enthusiastic. If there are antagonisms, they don't necessarily originate from the host. OP - your mother in law should know this.

Secondly, for the first one or two occasions when I stayed with my sister, I played the 'perfect' guest and was careful not to offer to make cups of tea myself and things because I needed to work out what would be accepted. Over the years, I have taken to making my own breakfast, offering them cups of tea (never the first cup, of course...) or offering to make the tea when they've offered rather than putting them out. Clearly, your MIL is the sit down and get waited on variety. That wears thin.

OP - Have you ever tried to relax the atmosphere / expectations by going down the 'make yourself at home' route? You should both be adapting to eachother's expectations, but it doesn't sound like she's terribly willing to do so.

How have you tried to explain this to your partner so far? And why is the emphasis on you so much, anyway? Please don't tell us he expects you to do all of the slogging around after her while he lets you...?

cheesespread · 30/08/2011 15:54

well im sure with 2 DC and one of them only been 7 weeks old at the she s the one been unreasonable if she expected your full attention at all times,if she wanted a cup of tea at a certain time she should have went and made it her bloody self and one for you while she was at it !!!

i came home 2 days after an EMCS and my ILS and BIL were in my house and none of them offerd me a seat !!!!

and u checked an email so what? if she was there for a few hours only i could see it been a bit ignorant but i cant see the problem if it was 4 days

pommedechocolat · 30/08/2011 15:55

Well 2 nights for 200 miles should be fine. I would start making sure visits are shorter to start with, however you can accomplish that.

My next action would be to tell my dh in no uncertain terms that critique of my 'manners' based on his mother's assumptions is extremely unwelcome and will bring consequences. He has no right to be 'critical' in this way.

G1nger · 30/08/2011 15:58

PS - if your MIL gets offended by slippers at the dinner table, she's surely hate to have me as a DIL, too! I don't stand on ceremony, either. And anyway, what is that one all about? She's not the Queen.

Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 15:58

They do make themselves at home - hence the taking over the TV room - and they do make tea for themselves etc.

I really don't know how I can be better, save from putting on a massive, exhausting act for them when they are here - chatting all the time, being 100% interested in everything they say and do. But it would be fake, and I just can't keep that up.

DH and I have argued - twice when arguing I have insulted MIL to him, and he has hit me - so the situation is really quite bad.

OP posts:
pommedechocolat · 30/08/2011 16:00

Umm, he has hit you?

This is not about your mil.

G1nger · 30/08/2011 16:02

I'm really sorry to hear that your arguments with your DH have turned violent. I'm sure that you're trying your best with the woman, too, although these things shouldn't actually be related.

I wonder if it might be a good idea to let your dad talk to him... and/or your mum. Clearly you need someone on your side here, and this would be one step before that standard 'have you tried suggesting counselling answer' which is hardly the be all and end all itself. I know that if I were your mother, I'd want a bloody word or two with him..

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/08/2011 16:06

Of course your dps let you 'get on with' your own thing when you visit them - they raised, they know you, you're 'family'.

But if they don't make even a token effort with your dh or any other guests/visitors they have, they're inhospitable to the point of being downright rude.

FTR I doubt that your MIL expects you to prepare for 3 weeks before she descends and I suspect that she simply expects that, when she is a guest in your home, you'll do her the courtesy of making her feel welcome by paying attention to her needs (offering drinks/food/snacks as and when appropriate) and by initiating and joining in conversations with her.

Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 16:06

We have actually been to Relate, when I was pregnant, but finding it hard to get there now with the babies.

DH has actually spoken to my mum, and unbelievably they are on his side - I guess I can wind him up, and he has asked them how to cope with me when I was depressed (again when I was preg), and they basically told him I was a PITA, so he says.

OP posts:
Original poster
deliakate · 30/08/2011 16:07

izzy, I do all of that. Just not ALL the time. I am courteous, and respectful, but sometimes, with a 7 week old, you need a bit of down time/time alone.

OP posts:
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