MIL probs - driving a wedge?

[deliakate]

DH has recently told me that his mother was in floods of tears last time she visited because I had not made her feel welcome enough. I am very surprised about this, as I have certainly not intended to offend her in any way. BUT also very surprised that she would put that kind of emotional pressure on DH - he really feels like piggy in the middle, and I just thing it was wrong of her.

There is a little history - we got on OK, not great, for a couple of years, but last xmas I felt myself cooling towards her, as she was rather unfeeling to me when we visited and I was suffering from depression during my second pregnancy (she told DH I was just playing up), and I had an horrific time at their house.

For that and lots of other reasons to do with her non-acceptance of who I am, I really now try to keep a low profile when I see them, and allow them to concentrate on being with DH and their GCs. But MIL is of another generation, and she would probably say, another class - she has been to Swiss Finishing School, and really goes all out to be the hostess when you visit her. So I really think she feels offended if she doesn't get the same treatment in return. I am NEVER rude to her, but this is someone who can perceive it to be rude if you spend 5 mins checking an email when she is visiting, or don't offer a cup of tea at the right time etc. Manners!

DH is very close to her, so he is feeling conflicted, and has even suggested to me that some of my other friends have lovely manners, so why don't I. We argue about it quite a lot.

Please, if you want to reply, read my subsequent posts and answers, because sure I haven't written every detail above!

DH is from a strange world, with talk of manners, when he slapped you twice! What kind of people find that acceptable?

God! Tyelperion, i couldn't find OP's posts on those threads, but I found the one I did in the very early days, the week after I got rid of the X.

it's amazing for ME to see how things can change so quickly!

If anyone is intersted here it is

I just wish MIL could realise I/we need support, not criticism and emotional blackmail.

maybe if you confided in her, she might surprise you and be a tower of strength

what have you got to lose

I'm pretty sure "not bringing your son up to think beating his wife when she says things he does not like is acceptable" falls under the curriculum in finishing schools. Even Swiss ones.

Joking aside, nobody has the right to whine about manners when they resort to violence to win arguments and feed edited-to-the-point-of-lying versions of events to your own parents in order to present himself as a hero. You are depressed, you have two tiny kids, your MIL is a cow who finds checking emails the last word in rudeness, when monopolising a hosts' tv is not (earth to her: I'd have been smacked for that as a child) and your husband hits you when you try to raise your unhappiness in terms he does not like. God, I'd be depressed too.

I'm not saying you SHOULD leave. I'm definitely saying you should get 3 separate free initial appointments with decent family solicitors to find out what your position is (if he has a good job and you are primary carer to very small children, you are in a strong financial position). I would sit your parents down and tell them the facts as you see them (and as it is his word that they see you as a PITA, and all on his side, they may find the true facts enlightening) and I would start having some counselling with Relate but WITHOUT him so you can start to see the woods for the trees.

Your MIL sounds a PITA, yes, but it also sounds like you are projecting a lot of the anger your husband is earning on to her. It may feel safer, but it won't help you ease your situation. No wonder you're so unhappy - newborn, toddler, and shit of a husband. And yep; a man who hits you just because you express anger about someone or something, even his mum, is a piece of shit. Waynetta Slob deserves better - you deserve LIGHT YEARS better.

Before I read that he had hit you, I was going to say that I couldn't help but be a little amused by the irony of your MIL being so hot on etiquette, but being quite happy to scorn your footwear/let it be know that you had upset her to the point of crying. Surely the point of good manners is to make the other side feel comfortable!

If he has hit you, then you have more than footwear to struggle with and to be honest his whole family sounds very dysfunctional. Maybe this obsession with manners and doing the right thing is the product of some other issues in their family.

I ithdra my previous post about checking emails if she is their for four (expletive deleted) days

olivia thought I was going loopy for a minute, I see you have moved it.

DELIAKATE THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIM HITTING YOU, WHATEVER YOU CALLED HIS MUM

You may find that your depression will lift when you are out of the oppressive atmosphere. no doubt you are angry but afraid to sho it most of the time and this can turn in to depression, i think.

h as a good catch on paper too... sod that, it is better to be on your own with 2 children than with an abusive partner. so much better. it wwill only get worse you know, worth making plans now, to go and get out.

I agree that he has no excuse hitting you even though you insulted his mother. You shouldn't have done that either especially knowing how close he is to his mother. Still, he should not have hit you.

In your view, you were a good hostess and probably were. However, maybe what she's complaining about is the subtle resentment of them visiting emnating from you. People can see by your body language that while you are smiling and offering tea, you wish them back in their in home. All the supposed rudeness is just your resentment.

You felt the same when you were at their house. They wanted you to suck it up and get on with it instead of trying to understand that you have a medical condition and can't just suck it up. She seemed to be overt with her criticalness of your condition while you were subtle about your resentment.

I hope your husband defended you against his mother about your condition and ask her to be more understanding.

I think when you get better, try to clear the air with her. She's not going to make the first move so it would have to be you. Its not going to get done overnight but maybe over time, you guys can get back to where you were before last Christmas.

You need to talk to women's aid asap. I'm sorry but I doubt your depression is going to be cured until you have dealt with your H.
I also wonder how much of what your H tells you is true.

Please help yourself and come back here to let us know you are okay.

Not sure I'd believe your DH at all when he repeats what mil has supposedly said - could quite possibly just what he thinks.

But you know he's hit you - thats what you need to address.

Good luck

Very much a case of not being able to see the wood for the trees. All this talk about Swiss finishing school and correct manners; so she downplays your depression and he hits you- and you are worrying about correct manners?
This sounds harsh and I don't wish to be nasty to you at all, I just want to point out that this situation is absurd.
To put it plainly, they are both see-you-next-tuesdays - I do believe that it is probable that she is a see-you-next-tuesday- and you are better off without,
I'm not arrogant enough (unlike your dh and mil) to assume that this will be an easy step i.e. leaving, but, deep down, if you want to be happy this is what you must do.
He is an arsehole, she is one, too, but he is your major problem; she is just an irritant.

What is a "see you next Tuesday"? Presume some sort of rhyming slang but I can't make anything fit and have never heard the expression.
The MIL has abysmal manners if she criticises her guest's clothing. She sounds stuck up and superficial and possibly narcissistic if she'll cry because she didn't feel she was fussed over enough when visiting.
The husband sounds like a bully. Feeling depressed isn't a reason to stay with a man who hits you, the low mood and low self esteem may be caused by the unequal relationship and belittling.

It's the initals 2rebecca.

CU Next Tuesday....

OK, never come across that euphamism before, not keen on it as a swear word anyway, why does it have to be female genitalia?

"She is a manipulative, controlling woman who has raised a manipulative, controlling son."

I think that sounds completely accurate.

OP, I honestly think you need to take control back. I think talking to a solicitor, not necessarily to act on it but so you know you have options, and then going to Relate by yourself to sort through how you feel, is really important. You are not being treated in any way acceptably. Of COURSE you resent a woman as unpleasant and passively-aggressive to you as your mother-in-law. It's rather more disturbing that you don't resent a man as subtly aggressive (that thing with your parents is frighteningly calculated to isolate, undermine and belittle you - when you're already depressed) and overtly aggressive (there is NEVER ANY EXCUSE, LET ALONE REASON, TO HIT SOMEONE).

I agree you could do with calling Women's Aid. Most victims of domestic violence struggle to see themselves as one at all. But you sound like you are a classic, if he is behaving like this. You are not depressed for no reason. You are reacting perfectly understandably to the completely unendurable.

There is one woman a man needs to divorce, and that is his mother. That is a quote, by the way, from a counsellor.

You have my complete sympathy.

Perhaps you should suggest that as you are not a pleasant human being/ill mannered etc., and that you understand and appreciate this, that in future you will not be around to visit them, or when they visit. Then you won't be in the way and upsetting people and they can be left in peace.

They can't have it both ways, surely. DH and Precious Mummy can get on with it then.

This is an old thread it's unlikely the op will be back any time soon