MIL probs - driving a wedge?

[deliakate]

DH has recently told me that his mother was in floods of tears last time she visited because I had not made her feel welcome enough. I am very surprised about this, as I have certainly not intended to offend her in any way. BUT also very surprised that she would put that kind of emotional pressure on DH - he really feels like piggy in the middle, and I just thing it was wrong of her.

There is a little history - we got on OK, not great, for a couple of years, but last xmas I felt myself cooling towards her, as she was rather unfeeling to me when we visited and I was suffering from depression during my second pregnancy (she told DH I was just playing up), and I had an horrific time at their house.

For that and lots of other reasons to do with her non-acceptance of who I am, I really now try to keep a low profile when I see them, and allow them to concentrate on being with DH and their GCs. But MIL is of another generation, and she would probably say, another class - she has been to Swiss Finishing School, and really goes all out to be the hostess when you visit her. So I really think she feels offended if she doesn't get the same treatment in return. I am NEVER rude to her, but this is someone who can perceive it to be rude if you spend 5 mins checking an email when she is visiting, or don't offer a cup of tea at the right time etc. Manners!

DH is very close to her, so he is feeling conflicted, and has even suggested to me that some of my other friends have lovely manners, so why don't I. We argue about it quite a lot.

Please, if you want to reply, read my subsequent posts and answers, because sure I haven't written every detail above!

Oh deliakate - he should not be hitting you, no matter what. Insulting your MIL to him is no excuse, and he has hit you not once but on two separate occasions - that is horrendous. Forget about your issues with your MIL - Ginger's advice is wise. There is thread after thread on the relationships board posted by women whose husbands have struck them, who received reams of excellent advice from MNers with more wisdom than I.

I'm so angry on your behalf and am shocked at his disgusting behaviour - hitting a woman and then telling you that you have no manners, the hypocritical bastard.

X posted with you deliakate. You say "so he says" - have you talked to your parents about it - do they know he has hit you twice?? Being wound up by someone is no excuse for HITTING them - even a toddler knows that!!

No, they don't know. Thing is, if I am lovely and angelic and happy, the violence doesn't happen. This is a prob that can't be sorted out unless I get fully sorted out and free of depression etc. But if and when I ever do, I sure as hell will consider getting out.

Will head over to read up on r'ship board.

Drip fed information/cross post.

twice when arguing I have insulted MIL to him, and he has hit me

Violence on the part of your dh is unacceptable. It seems to me that he would benefit from a year at finishing school and, if he hits you again, call the police and report him.

I wonder how your MIL would square her impeccable manners and deportment with a son who is being 'finished' courtesy of HM The Queen?

So your 'D'H has spoken to your parents and presented HIS side of the story. Then he has fed back 'their' views to you, and said that they've told him that you're a PITA....

You know what I'm going to say about that, don't you?

1. You honestly think that you couldn't get their sympathy by going to them directly, and giving your version of events (including the violence)?
2. I can be a PITA too. Oh very much so. But my parents wouldn't want me hit because of it. And do you know what, since we got together as feisty teenagers there have been times when I've pushed my partner to see how far he'll go. He's never hit me. And I promise you that out of the two of us (you and I), I'm way more of a pain in the arse than you.

Don't accept your partner's filtered stories to your parents, and filtered version of events in return. You know your parents don't actually want you in a violent, depressing relationship (because it's 'all you deserve'). They want you to be happy. Which bring me on to my final point here: I can tell from the way you're writing that you're at least a bit depressed right now. If not considerably so.

Really, speak to your parents. They love you. You know they do.

im so sorry to hear that your arguments have turned violent,even if you do "wind him up " that is no excuse what so ever for him to hit you !

do you have a good friend or another family member you can turn to for help? i no its hard but i would seriously be rethinking your relationship with your OH,it sounds like you in a no win situation

My mother was petrified of me being on the shelf in a Miranda-type way, and DH is a 'catch' on paper - so my parents are very keen I don't rock the boat and end up alone, I think.

Car-crash of a post really. I just wish MIL could realise I/we need support, not criticism and emotional blackmail.

This would be better in relationships please get it moved.

If you are being hit in a relationship and YOUR OWN PARENTS feel that is acceptable. You need more help than you will get on AIBU. YOU ALONE need to speak to a cousellor and work out where you want to go from here.

And IGNORE YOUR PARENTS noboby but nobody desrves to be hit in a relationship. Really. end of.

you insulted his mother and he hit you. Alarm bells should be ringing and it's not just about his mother is it?

i've been through a bad patch myself, not quite diagnosed depression but only because i wouldn't go to the gp to be diagnosed and feel i have it under control myself with coping strategies i have used in the past. this in itself is a serious issue in my book. if you have/are suffering from depression it's not just a minor ailment you can snap out of and they are naive to expect you to.

you can't use your children as an excuse, they may be little but that's no excuse to let things carry on as they are.

Who told you your parents were on his side? Your parents or your DH? If it's the latter you might find it's not true.

It sounds like your DH wants to blame you but if he hit you, for any reason, the problem is him and not you. Don't let him make excuses that you wind him up for hitting you. Most men don't hit their partners even in the middle of a screaming match. And if you 'wind him up' how is he going to control his temper with his children?

It sounds to me like he is destroying your self esteem in an attempt to control you.

deliakate I found this thread right on the second page of Relationships:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1286826-Ive-left-tonight-after-18-harrowing-months-and-need-support-from-you-lovely-ladies

which led me to this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1033653-NPD-Abusive-partner-Recovery-thread

Everyone else here is giving you great advice. I am out of my depth here completely so will stop giving any advice but there is loads of information on that second thread.

I am beyond furious for you and if you were my friend in real life I would be over like a shot to whisk you and the DCs away from this violent man. It takes a real coward to lash out with violence when they are being wound up.

Your MIL is not your problem, it is your violent, manipulative OH. Men don't hit their partners, no matter how much of a PITA they are. My DH and I have gone toe-to-toe many a time but he would never, never hit me. And if he did, my DM would quite honestly have me out of there quicker than jack rabbit flash (and my DH is a very good catch, believe you me).

You are focusing on the things that bring tension into your relationship because you believe that if you can make everything all sweetness and light he won't hit you again. I think you need some help, not from AIBU but from Womens' Aid or Refuge or similar. Proper help. He is manipulating you, and trying to manipulate your parents. Please get help.

"It sounds to me like he is destroying your self esteem in an attempt to control you" - Yes, it does.

And OP, of course your parents don't want you to be alone. But they'd be equally unlikely to want you to end up with an axe-murderer or such who also looks like a 'catch' on paper. Only you know what goes on behind closed doors with your partner. Don't give up hope that your parents would side with you in a heartbeat if they knew, too. No one wants someone else to be alone - least of all parents concerning their own children - but there are limits to what people should accept to share their life with someone. Your parents will know that, too.

It doesn't matter whether your parents don't want you to rock the boat and end up alone - being alone, out of a relationship with a violent man, is going to be a far happier life for you and your children than staying with them. If they like him so much, they can live with him and his mother. You are not responsible for sorting out his issues. He should support you in overcoming your depression, not smack you when you're not sweetness and light and agreeing with him.

Please seek help and advice from somewhere trained to deal with these kinds of thing - it's your choice as to whether to stay or not, not your parents or MN :) But really, you deserve better than to be hit, or to be treated like a doormat by DH and his family. It may well turn out that he never spoke to your parents at all.

"DH has recently told me that his mother was in floods of tears last time she visited because I had not made her feel welcome enough."

IMO, MIL shouldn´t have mentioned this & your husband certainly shouldn´t be bothering with it.

He should be telling her to grow the fuck up.

And he hit you because you insulted her-wtf is that all about?

Good advice there from Flisspaps. I hope you take it, OP. You may not be feeling very strong right now, but it can't hurt to go yourself and ask for some help, can it? Just to see what's available? Just to give yourself back that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel that you need...?

Some good advice and links - thank you. I don't feel nearly strong enough to be alone atm, but one day I hope.

Just remembered something quite hilarious re. MIL - that Carolyn Bourne who wrote the email to her future DIL lives near her village, and is her FRIEND! haha

I bet your MIL wasn't in floods of tears at all he is making it up. Same as he is making it up that your parents think you are a pain.

He is doing this to belittle you and then control you.

OP - I don't think anyone here is actually saying you should be alone (ie 'dump the bastard'). I believe that what we're saying is that you shouldn't let your fear of being alone stop you from seeking help from the right avenues.

What strikes me is that your MIL's disapproval (in this instance) and your parents thinking that you are a PITA is coming to you second-hand, through your DH.

Please give your parents your side of the story. All of it! Then you might find they will be more supportive that he says.

Definitely tell someone in real life about the violence. You need some support.

I'd be tempted to say something to MiL directly. Maybe "you're welcome to visit, but you know that I won't have time to wait on you, certainly not in the next 10 years" or perhaps "please don't tell DH that I've upset you when all I've done is be busy, that will make him violent again". I'm pretty sure that Debretts would advise against hitting your wife.

I'd be tempted to tell the MIL, too. But only if the OP is feeling strong enough - because she might well find that the MIL gets the same kind of treatment from her husband and that this is where it's been learned from.

No wonder you are feeling depressed! I wouldnt be surprised if your 'D'H isnt at least partly the cause of your depression. :( I would recommend you get some counselling.

Hi there
We're going to move this to Relationships
Thanks MNHQ