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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sorry, need more help!

77 replies

wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:08

Sorry, I'm probably boring everyone silly with my problems at the moment but I just need one tiny bit more advice.

Have decided 'trial period' isn't working out and I'm leaving DH. Will go into more detail later, no time now.

Do I leave now while he's in bed, not telling him but avoiding any confrontation? Do I wait and tell him and run the risk of him trying to guilt trip me or getting nasty? There's no-one now who can come over and be there when I tell him so I don't know what to do.

Just some quickie advice would be really welcome!

OP posts:
Janstar · 20/10/2003 10:11

So sorry, Wobbly.

My advice would be to plan things so that you do not get stitched up in any way. Don't say anything until you are safe. Take really good care, please.

WSM · 20/10/2003 10:13

Oh heck. If I was in your shoes I would be sorely tempted to leave now, but to be honest I'm not sure that is the best idea. I agree that it would be best to have someone there when you do tell him just in case. Sorry, really not much help. If you leave now then at least you can always write a letter or meet with him in a 'safe' place to let him know that things are really over and why.... I'm sorry I really don't know what is the best option here. Hopefully someone else will be more constructive.

Best of luck and hugs
WSM x

lazyeye · 20/10/2003 10:15

I once left a long term partner whilst he was out at work & he had no idea. I just couldn't face the confrontation. Sort of worked for me, cos I knew if I saw him I wouldn't be able to do it, but I needed to do it.

The very best of luck pet.

whatsaname · 20/10/2003 10:15

Sorry it isn't working out for you. If you think telling him might get nasty then act as normal until either you can get out of the house while he's not there or until someone can come round and be there whilst you tell him.

I tried to leave my x on a number of occasions and it got nasty, in the end I acted like everything was fine and then when he went back to work I put would I could fit in my car and left. If you don't want to leave the house then change the locks while he's at work and get somebody to come round so your not alone when he comes back.

On reflection I wish I hadn't left the property as I had a lot of problems getting him out (it was my house).

Whatever you do, if your frightened of him - be careful.

LIZS · 20/10/2003 10:16

Sorry it is not going so well. I'd agree with Janstar and try not to be alone when you tell him. If you try to do a runner he could get really angry and may even catch you in the act unless you are sure that he is really sound asleep. Obviously if you fear for your safety and/or that of your baby then go now, otherwise can you hold out a bit longer and time it better ?

Thinking of you,

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:16

Thanks everyone. I think I'll just start getting ready to leave and if he gets up I won't say anything and go tomorrow morning instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:18

Its a rented house that I don't particularly want to live in so no probs there. If he caught me in the act I could just say I was going to see my parents (just down the road), I'm not planning to take a lot with me.

OP posts:
suzyj · 20/10/2003 10:18

Is it your house, wk? If so, would you have problems like whatsaname did trying to get him out? If it's his house or rented and you have another place to crash, I'd wait til he was at work and then fill the car. Thinking of you! Take care of yourself...

Loobie · 20/10/2003 10:18

I think i would leave now and arrange to meet/speak to him with someone with me or in a public place if you think things could get out of hand.do you have somewhere to go at the moment?what about kids/money etc in the short term are you sorted there?

hope things are ok let us know if we can help anymore,take care WK.
Love Loobiexxx

suzyj · 20/10/2003 10:19

hah posts crossed!

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:19

Problem is he's unemployed at the moment so I have to leave before he gets up or otherwise I can't.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 20/10/2003 10:20

Message withdrawn

Twinkie · 20/10/2003 10:21

Message withdrawn

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:21

Got a 4 month old. I can go to parents down the road or to Women's Refuge. Would rather go to Refuge but parents would be really hurt if I didn't go to them first.

OP posts:
Loobie · 20/10/2003 10:29

But going to parents can sometimes have its own problems ,my best friend left her abusive partner after he hit her the first time and she lived with her parents,he knew where she was and harassed her and her family as didi his family,she ended up at her parents for nearly a year before she got him out the house(her house)because he didnt see a problem for her after all it was only her mum and dad IYSWIM

beetroot · 20/10/2003 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WSM · 20/10/2003 10:31

If you would feel safer at a refuge I would go to the refuge. I know you say that your folks would be hurt if you didn't stay with them but perhaps you can say that you don't trust him to leave things alone, if you go to a refuge he will be less likely to attampt to harrass you and/or your parents. I suspect that you have their safety in mind too.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:34

loobie - true but DH wouldn't dare, he doesn't like to look bad, which is why this has all stayed hidden. As soon as anything comes out he's as sweet as pie trying to make everyone think I should go back to him.

beetroot - I could honestly fit everything I wanted into one bag, and then make a list of the rest so if DH sells it, I know what's gone. I sat down the other day and realised 95% of our stuff is 'his', ie I didn't want it in the first place and I still don't want it.

OP posts:
Enid · 20/10/2003 10:34

Good luck wobblynicks it whatever you decide to do, you sound like a very strong person who is doing the best for you and your baby, good luck x E

lucy123 · 20/10/2003 10:36

On balance I think waiting and planning would be better, but you know the situation better: go with your instinct.

Best of luck with this, Wobblynicks and take care.

Loobie · 20/10/2003 10:37

well iwould say continue getting stuff together and if he does wake you could just say you are going to parents house to visit but once there just dont return could this work or would he want to come with you?

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 20/10/2003 10:39

loobie - he wouldn't want to come to my parents, he doesn't like them and treats them like dirt.

OP posts:
WSM · 20/10/2003 10:41

The longer you procrastinate, the more likely he is to wake up.... If you are doing it today then you must do it. Sorry to sound urgent/pushy but I'm increasingly aware of the time.

dadslib · 20/10/2003 10:42

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whatsaname · 20/10/2003 10:42

When I left dd was 5mnths I took as much of her stuff as I could fit in the car - clothes, highchair, steriliser, jars of food, SMA, nappies, wipes, nappy bags, bath stuff, toothpaste, some favourite toys and books, bibs...

I didn't know what was going to happen when he found out I'd gone and I wanted to be in a position that I wouldn't have to go back for anything. I didn't care about my clothes or belongings as long as I had dd's stuff I knew I'd manage.

It's worth visitng a solicitor too and discussing the situation. The police may also be able to go with you to collect your things if you explain the situation.