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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pretty sure DH doesn't love me anymore

85 replies

Allboxedin · 27/08/2011 20:36

I've felt it for a long time.
We married about 3 years ago, have one dd and another due in October.
I have given up everything to just be where he wants us to be - close to his work. I hate where we live, I have no family or friends here and no quality of life, but I have accepted it thus far because I know DH is the main breadwinner and puts a roof over our heads. I hate moaning but he knows how I feel.

I have always felt his job always comes first with both myself and dd but have tried to accept it. We hardly ever spend time together and he never takes dd out.
I am finding a real strain at the moment being nearly 33 weeks pregnant, I'm getting quite depresssed.
At the weekend I have to occupy dd all the time as I do all week.

I cook for him every night, sometimes he eats it,other times he doesn't want it so it goes to waste. I do everything at home, yet I get moaned at for silly things.
He is starting to really crack me down. He tells me I havent put dd's nappy on properly (even though he never changes it himself), moans about how I dress her (when I take a lot of pride in how she looks)....moans how I do things but yet never steps up to do them himself.

He has moods that go on for days where he doesnt talk to me and I have no idea what I have done.

There is more but this post is going to get so long people won't be able to read it all.

Overall I just feel he is pushing me away, on purpose, I don't know. But I am starting to put up my walls again which I never thought I would have to do in marriage.

I am laying awake at night just really miserable about everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 17:44

At least he will be at work tomorrow so I will feel more at ease. 3 days of silence is horrid (and its been longer,sometimes a week where he ignores me, which includes me making dinner etc and him going out to get his own) Thats his loss I guess if he wants to waste money on take aways when I've already cooked :( and then if theres a tiny crease in his ironed shirt in the morning that will be the next thing! Don't know why I bother but I kind of want to show him I am being more mature about it and carrying on as usual as if it doenst affect me I guess.

Ps: band I used to love that song, we used to get it on the school bus! You must be the same age as me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 17:45

Sounds like your ex and my H should move in together btw, they would probably get along just fine Grin

OP posts:
Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 17:47

oooh it'd be carnage! they'd bulldoze right over each other!

In fact, my x used to really dislike assertive people. He particularly hated assertive women, and there was a woman at work who used to make him spit feathers. Mostly because she was obviously a really good people person and could not only 'manage' his put downs and so on, but people liked her and she got the job done. It used to annoy the CRAP out of him!

CrosswordAddict · 29/08/2011 17:48

Allboxedin Why do you cook for him? Hmm

Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 17:48

I guess I'm no spring chicken any more but I feel a LOT younger than I did four years ago. Grin

Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 17:54

I always have crossword. I don't mind it at all apart from when he moans about it or doesn't eat it!
Band, I wonder did your ex have a social network or did he keep himself to himself. Mine doesnt have any friends really and spends all his time at work or working at home. He doesnt like socialising.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 29/08/2011 17:56

'Allboxedin Why do you cook for him? '
Please go on strike wont you x

babyhammock · 29/08/2011 17:58

Mine didn't have friends either... common trait I think

Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 17:59

Well I am making it now for tonight, if he doesn't eat it tonight and goes out to get his own stinky curry I promise I will baby :)
I'll let you know Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 17:59

baby are you split up now?

OP posts:
notlettingthefearshow · 29/08/2011 17:59

Oh I do hope you can find a way of getting the message across to him. He does sound wrapped up in himself and selfish, although this isn't the same thing as not loving you - he may feel that he does love you, but what he wants from the relationship is not what you want. I am not excusing his behaviour, of course.

If he genuinely does not acknowledge that your needs are equal to his, and if he has no desire to change, you need to make it clear you want to separate.

CrosswordAddict · 29/08/2011 18:02

Babyhammock Sorry if I annoyed you. Looking back at your posts I agree with every word you have said. He needs a sharp dose of reality. You're right.

babyhammock · 29/08/2011 18:09

OMG crosswordaddict ...I was quoting you cos I agree with you and I think OP should go on strike... You didn't annoy me in the slightest, it was a good point you made. Sorry you thought that x

Allboxedin.. nearly months ago x

babyhammock · 29/08/2011 18:09

nearly 4 months ago..doh!

Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 18:44

Not so long ago then, do you feel lots better now?
Have you children? x

OP posts:
Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 18:47

Allboxedin, when I met him he gave me the illusion of having friends. He dredged up two male friends shortly after we met but it turned out that he very rarely saw these guys. They'd met at work years back and stayed in touch. He talked about people he hadn't seen for years as 'friends'. His concept of 'friend' was different from mine.

I think to begin with part of what he found attractive about me was that I actually had plenty of friends. He just thought he could get together with me and, tick, that'd be his social life sorted. But, wudyabeleeeeeev it, my friends didn't warm to him, found him odd, tried to talk me out of moving in with him. They would ask me out on my own, and if ever any of my friends did come to the house he'd make them feel so unwelcome. I remember once a friend came back unexpectedly and he made me feel like I'd taken a massive liberty. It was supposed to be MY home too! ha to that!

A while into the relationship he got angry with me that we had no 'mutual friends'. Like he wanted to do dinner parties in mixed company. Very civilised. Well, it wasn't MY fault. NObody sane could have said 'yeah it's your girlfriend's fault you have no mutual friends' but he blamed me for it.

Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 18:48

After 8 years with him I went from having plenty of friends of both sexes to about five female friends, and only really in touch with 2 or 3 of them regularly. It was just too hard.

Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 18:51

ps, and even if he was invited somewhere he'd do nothing but complain and then trash my friends. I remember once, quite early on, we went to a party and he was giving out that my friend's boyfriend didn't keep putting a bottle of beer into his hand. He said he was a bad host. But the guy was mingling, he told us where the beer was. He was friendly. I think he personally handed him the first beer, but my x just slagged them all off like they were horrible people.

Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 18:55

Band, when I met H he had a couple of old 'friends' but after we got married he pretty much dropped them (one was his best man) and somehow they just didn't keep in contact, not sure what happened really. He didn't really have many people to invite to the wedding apart his family who he rarely visits/speaks too anyway. I had recently come back from working abroad and had been hoping to make closer friends where we were up North until we moved, and moved....and moved again, so in reality I have not really had any close friends since we met although I still keep in contact with old friends online, I don't have any contact with them really because they live at least 3-4 hours away.

OP posts:
vividgingerchilli · 29/08/2011 18:56

He sounds exactly like my ex.....

Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 18:57

Tell more vivid Grin We are creating quite a gang here! :0

OP posts:
Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 19:02

I'm starting to feel guilty keep talking about him on here, but heck no one will ever find out!

OP posts:
babyhammock · 29/08/2011 19:19

Bandwithering you could be describing me.
Ex would constantly refer to x,y or z etc like I knew them.... the reality being that I'd never met them, he hadn't seen them for years and nope they weren't friends either..

Allboxedin.. I have a DS who's 3. Its a relief in lots of ways yes, but he's waging a pretty nasty 'campaign' against me for want of a better word so not out of the woods yet. If I was ever in doubt what I was dealing with, I'm not anymore. Thing is you so want to believe in the 'nice' side, but its such an act.

So when you off to mums then x

Original poster
Allboxedin · 29/08/2011 19:30

baby, I ve got to wait until I get a bit of money in my account before I can afford it (maybe in a week or so)
This cycle seems very familiar. I totally agree that when its calm, you feel ok and that you can work it out and then it all starts up again. Thats what has kept me going here. I think I need to start keeping a diary to remind me in the 'ok stages', It's like you forget what happened, think you are getting somewhere and then a couple of weeks later it all happens again.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 29/08/2011 19:37

I know I know... you think they've finally at last seen the light ... but before you know it you're back to square one. But it just happens over and over again and you end up more and more exhausted and even less able to do anything about it :( x

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