Pretty sure DH doesn't love me anymore

[Allboxedin]

I've felt it for a long time.
We married about 3 years ago, have one dd and another due in October.
I have given up everything to just be where he wants us to be - close to his work. I hate where we live, I have no family or friends here and no quality of life, but I have accepted it thus far because I know DH is the main breadwinner and puts a roof over our heads. I hate moaning but he knows how I feel.

I have always felt his job always comes first with both myself and dd but have tried to accept it. We hardly ever spend time together and he never takes dd out.
I am finding a real strain at the moment being nearly 33 weeks pregnant, I'm getting quite depresssed.
At the weekend I have to occupy dd all the time as I do all week.

I cook for him every night, sometimes he eats it,other times he doesn't want it so it goes to waste. I do everything at home, yet I get moaned at for silly things.
He is starting to really crack me down. He tells me I havent put dd's nappy on properly (even though he never changes it himself), moans about how I dress her (when I take a lot of pride in how she looks)....moans how I do things but yet never steps up to do them himself.

He has moods that go on for days where he doesnt talk to me and I have no idea what I have done.

There is more but this post is going to get so long people won't be able to read it all.

Overall I just feel he is pushing me away, on purpose, I don't know. But I am starting to put up my walls again which I never thought I would have to do in marriage.

I am laying awake at night just really miserable about everything.

When he says you are doing wrong, I guess he means, you are doing things differently to what I grew up with, but he is seeing it as wrong rather than different. In the culture I come from, babies were swaddled for instance and I thought of it as wrong when I first saw babies dressed differently.

Do you know what his parents relationship is/was like? Is he just behaving as he believes a husband should behave?

It sounds like he is not willing to change or compromise?

Get yourself back to your parents for a week or so, see how you feel then.

I know you are pregnant and I understand the need to make things work, but that takes two.

You cannot do it all on your own, if you continue in the same frame of mind you are in now, with him being as he is you will end up hating him, and considering you have two children together that is not good.

If finding a middle ground so that you continue to be parents and involved in the childrens lives means splitting up you have to consider that.

He acts like he has no family and that you are nothing but someone at home caring for his child and carrying his soon to be born child.

Everybody deserves to be happy, how long can you continue so unhappy before it turns to depression and subsequently causes you health problems?

Eurostar, both his birth parents are deceased. His mother died soon after he was born and his father remarried and he had a step mother who brought him up who apparently treated him differently to her own children. I never knew his father as he died before we met. I have actually stayed a few occasions on the country (also before we met when I was younger) he comes from so have some understanding of it and the culture. Having said that he rarely visits his family or answers calls from them. He doesnt really seem close to them.

Fabby, thankyou. I think also relating to Eurostars post that in his culture the women tend to get help from their mothers/mothers in law with children (also from home helps) but the same can't really be said over here when we live a long way from my family and I don't think he understands that either. He really isnt involved at all with the pregnancy and hasnt been to any of the scans/appointments which is fine. He is also not coming into labour with me because he wants to look after dd so I will be going into labour on my own. (which I think is also ading to the worry a bit)

I'm so sorry Allboxedin that sounds like a horrible situation. I agree with other posters who have suggested that a break to see your family might be a good start, to give you a rest so that you can start to move forward, if nothing else. I don't have experience of marriage where the partners come from different cultures, so others may be better placed to advise, but I can only suggest you talk to him. Or as mentioned upthread write a letter, to try to get across to him that you need him to be more of a support to you and less of a critical boss. That really must be hard to live with on a day-to-day basis and must sap your self-esteem. FWIW you sound strong.

Thanks secrecy. I'm researching stuff on the internet atm, I know there is a better life somewhere whether we work it out or not. I Know I am not prepared to live like this for much longer. :)

I'm another one who used to be that miserable until I left and started again. It's a really really hard thing to accept, and I left with two kids, one of them a baby. But I've been so much happier since I accepted that really, if I ever wanted to be ahppy again I'd no choice but to leave.

I could go on and on about how he is a tosser to behave like he's your boss, and to give set up a life which suits him 100% and not you at all, and then criticise you all the time,,,, but you know that.

Sounds like he may not really know what a happy home is then so have trouble creating one?..and that he comes from a culture where male and female roles are more along the lines of, the man has little to do with child raising?

You say you think he doesn't love you anymore. What was it about him before that made you feel loved?

Euro, thats a good question, maybe he never did. I was thinking just before about our wedding day and even then there were signs I guess. Even before that when we werent living together.
I remmeber one time I left a crumb in the butter after I had toast (very early on in the relationship) and he went beserk for about 2 days and wouldn't speak to me!
I understand he probably didn't have much of a family life and maybe not much to model on but I don't think I can bear the brunt of that, I think if he really wanted to he would make more of an effort with us to make a family that maybe he didnt have.

"Bear the brunt.." sounds like it is what you have been and are doing.

I hope you get to take that break back with your family.

Hey you.. I know its hard not to, but try not to think about why he is the way he is as you will end up making excuses for him.
He's a selfish, entitled tosser and it doesn't matter why he's that way, the fact is he is. The more trapped he thinks you are, the more you will see his true colours. You would have had hints of it (butter crumb gate = big hint) but you just ignore it (like me!). This is who he really is. A self absorbed wanker who thinks you were put on this earth to serve him while he acts like the boss from hell projecting all HIS inadeqaces on you..

Please go to your parents. Take the car..leave a note...what's he gonna do? sack you xx

baby, God yes he might! He might have to pay london prices for a new housekeeper!
Thanks for mumsnet! I am going to try and get to see an advisor too to see what I might be entitled to if I left and also the cab.

So funny.. can you imagine his utter agast at having to fend for himself..

Yup you can see an adviser whilst you're at your mums. And she'll be able to have DD. Knowledge is power x

It might be a shock to the system!
But sometimes I think he wants rid of us anyway tbh the way he goes on so maybe I will be doing him a favour!
As I said to another poster, I am not interested in any of his help or financial gain, I just want to do it all by myself somehow.

You can bet that if his boss left a crumb in the butter at work though, he'd know that it was inappropriate to make a massive big deal about it, and not speak to his boss for 2 days. I bet you anything he behaves appropriately and civilly to his colleagues!

Thats true band, but he has complained about his bosses before saying 'they don't know what they are doing' and they ask him 'silly questions when they should know the answers' etc...I'm sure he behaves much better at work though!!

Hi Allboxedin. I've been reading your posts and your sadness is palpable :-(

This man is emotionally abusing you and as someone else said upthread, the whys and wherefores of that are not important. It's happening, you don't deserve it, you can leave and your life can be better. It's up to him to examine the whys and wherefores of why he is how he is, not you.

Get yourself somewhere safe (your mothers?) where you can receive a bit of the nurturing you deserve and you can think about what you want to do long term.

One warning though: be prepared for a charm offensive, endless persuading to return and promises to change, once he thinks he might actually be at risk of losing you. He may promise the world in an attempt to get you back. This is not because he has realised how much he really loves you, but because he desperately needs to regain the control he has lost. Please don't fall for it. Women invariably find the abusive behaviour worsens upon their return as the man has realised his previous controlling ways were not enough to prevent them from leaving and he needs to up the stakes.

I wish you all the very best.

makeeye, thanks, I very rarely cry tbh or express my sadness like that but I have been the past few days, can't help it. At the same time I feel numb with emotion, I don't feel anything, its weird. Not even anger, I just feel helpless I guess.
A lady is coming around on Thursday to talk to me from a local church. She just messaged me today after quite a long time and asked if I was ok.
Precisely what you say which has made me stay this long I think. Because we have these periods we go through and then he will be 'nice' for a few days where I regain my strength a little and think I made a mistake about him and he is really fine etc....then we are back to square one again. This has happened numerous times.
Thanks again x

Oh absolutely. Beware of the hollow charm offensive. Followed by his utter confusion that you didn't instantly believe his 'promises'. It is puzzling to these types of guy that you could have a streak that is awkard/independent enough to openly disbelieve their 'promises'.

For me it was flowers and chocolates (cheap ones though!) followed by his confusion, next up was irritation, then outright rage that I wasn't capitulating to his demands - this stage was accompanied with a side order of abusive text messages etc... then, phew, a period of tense calm culminating in his Martyrdom! more texts - at 4am telling me i was one more person who let him down. jayzuss, fekk off!

anyway, this sad little cycle could repeat itself up to four times before he gets it. The first full cycle might be over 2 weeks, and then it'll keep repeating itself with a slightly lengthier timescale!

I'm also going to see if I can get a referal for a more specialist midwife who I might be able to discuss things with. I am going to have to wait for a week or so until I have some money in my account to get anywhere else atm.

allboxedin, i think i know what it is, that numbness. it's a sort of anaesthetised way of operating. you've been on auto-pilot for so long, pushing back down your feelings. If you had a moment of lucidity where you 'saw' him/the relationship/your future as it/they really is/are then you push it out of your head instantly. That's been a coping mechanism for you for a long time I'd say, so it'd probably take a while to be able to identify your 'feelings', label them, articulate them, deal with them!

yeah, do that allboxedin.. you shouldn't be carrying all this at 33wks

But do they know what they are doing? I mean is it all well thought out and intentional or do they do it without realising it?

Yep it's like you are in autopilot!

ON one level perhaps. I believe there are a percentage of men out there who just have a totally ingrained sense of entitlement. So if they feel just inherently more entitled to a life that suits them they won't even notice if it's at the expense of somebody else (a partner). Perhaps he also has a rigid notion that a wife should be supportive, a wife should be obliging, a wife should be accommodating, uncomplaining without ever questionig those childhood beliefs. Obviously there is no logical reason why your life should be a sacrifice to his convenience but I bet it would be very very hard to get through to him and make him understand this. IMPOSSIBLE I would guess. Please don't waste your precious energies trying. I spent about six years trying to make a man see that my life, in terms of happiness, fulfilment etc was equal to his. He still doesn't get it. In his eyes I was nothing. I even said to him, laughing, through tears! this is like a HUMAN LEAGUE SONG!!!! 'I was working as a cocktail waitress when I met you" "But even then I knew I'd find a much better job, even with or without you". HOW cheesey to quote song lyrics! Hope that cheers you hope. Anyway, he didn't 'get' what I was saying to him. I was 'that cocktail waitress' in his eyes. (Actually I had a fairly good job when I met him, but my salary was only about a third what his was).