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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need some advise please

22 replies

RocketRoger · 24/08/2011 12:48

I made friends with a lady on a course a few weeks back and we seem to get on really well, had a close encounter that didn't lead anywhere due to neither of us being prepared and since have been out on "dates." We chat daily either on FB or through texts, I really like her but unsure how/if to try and take it further...
She has 2 wonderful children and we get on very well. The trouble is she says 1 thing then contradicts herself. She says she doesn't want the "hassle" of a partner due to circumstance happening in her/our lives... and yet when we are together we "act" like a couple but without the intamicies that go with it. Being a typical male I am really unsure how to read the situation and a friend of mine suggested the great people here...

Hope you can help me out. Thanks :)

OP posts:

greengirl87 · 24/08/2011 12:51

i think that you need to have a conversation about exactly what you are both looking for in life/relationship so that you will be able to decide whether or not the relationship is worth continuing especially if there are children involved.

garlicnutter · 24/08/2011 13:05

She says she doesn't want the "hassle" of a partner ... yet when we are together we "act" like a couple but without the intamicies that go with it.

I'm sorry, Roger, but without the intimacies you're not acting like a couple. More like a pair of good friends. From what you've written, she seems to be meaning what she says about not wanting a relationship.

Why don't you talk to her about being either fuckbuddies friends-with-benefits or does she see you as purely a friend, that night was a mistake?

If you're looking for a full-on relationship, I think it's only fair to tell her so. If she's not ready for that, it doesn't reflect on you personally. You just have to respect that other people are all at different dtages in their lives.

Hope your talk goes well.

justwaitaminute · 24/08/2011 18:43

Well, it depends what you want out of really, If you're happy with casual then go for it, if you want something more serious you need to talk to her.

Original poster

RocketRoger · 24/08/2011 18:52

Thanks for your advise. I will talk to her and see what she wants too. Hopefully the same...

OP posts:

buzzsore · 24/08/2011 18:53

A few weeks?

I think you're being a bit previous, RR.

I also think she's been pretty plain - if by lacking 'intimacies' you mean there are no 'kisses/cuddles/affection/sex' - and she's said she's not after a partner, then there you are: you're not a couple and she's not ready to be (and possibly won't ever be with you). What you have there is a friendship.

If by 'intimacies' you actually mean 'sex' and you are actually having kisses etc, then my answer'd be slightly different.

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 19:08

If you could be a bit more plain with your language, we might find it easier to help you

We are not a bunch of swooning Elisabeth Benetts on here, you know

You can say "sex" and "shag" and "condom" and everyfink

Original poster

RocketRoger · 24/08/2011 19:23

lol ok... We didnt have any condoms. We kiss, cuddle and hold hands infront of her kids, I have met her family and she mine. She just confuses me, she says she is detatched but then acts like its not the case. she makes satements about how she is and what she wants then does the complete opposite...
Sorry not much good with forums never know how to word something, so what I am trying to say gets across.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 19:27

OK, so you didn't have any condoms on that first occasion

I presume you have rectified that problem since

It does sound like she doesn't want to take it any further, but perhaps being a bit unfair in stringing you along a little bit

You are not misreading signs though are you ? Just because someone enjoys spending time with you, and is a bit tactile, doesn't mean they want to jump you

The best advice is to ask her.

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 19:34

Are you both in your forties?

Original poster

RocketRoger · 24/08/2011 19:38

she wont use condoms and is getting the coil fitted next month... I really don't know if I am reading to much into it... you could be right, I guess at least if I ask I will know either way. Now we are not in our 40's mid 30's

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 19:43

she ain't getting a coil fitted for the love of it

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 19:45

Sorry, wrong deduction.
Look, it's only been a few weeks and she might be unsure herself what she wants. And she has children.
I wou;d tell tell her the mixed messages are confusing, have a good talk. See where it goes.

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 19:45

you are mid 30's yeah ?

you do realise that conndoms are to protect your sexual health and not just to prevent pregnancy, don't you ?

"she won't use condoms"

I think she is putting you off

Anybody with an ounce of sense would use condoms in a new sexual relationship, until you both get tested

thefirstMrsDeVere · 24/08/2011 19:46

Sorry but hhahahahahahaha @ Anyfucker

[serious face] hope you get things sorted OP.

buzzsorekillington · 24/08/2011 19:46

My answer's definitely changed then.

[mutters grumpily to self about mealy-mouthed 'intimacy' vs 'sex'.]

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 19:46

The coil it is a bit too much to share if she has no intention of shagging you.

tethersend · 24/08/2011 19:51

I think she is giving you a get out clause.

By saying that she doesn't want the hassle of a relationship, she may be ascertaining your response to avoid getting hurt.

Of course, she may actually not want the hassle of a relationship, but when people have been hurt in the past they develop strategies to protect themselves; this could be one of them.

The only way you'll find out is to declare your feelings (do that first) and ask her what she wants and how she feels.

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 19:57

See, you lost me there!
plain English please!

Original poster

RocketRoger · 24/08/2011 20:10

@tethersend she has been hurt in the past quite badly and it has crossed my mind as being a defense mechanism.

As for not wearing a condoms... That too could be her way of getting out of having sex.
I'll talk to her and clear the air either way I will know...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 20:13

Tell us how you get on

Whether you will be a rocket, or a damp squib, Rog

Original poster

RocketRoger · 24/08/2011 20:15

LOL ok thanks for all your help...hoping more to be the rocket...but I will let you all know and thanks.

OP posts:

badmove · 24/08/2011 21:20

I think she's unsure of herself...or you..perhaps she HAS been hurt in the past..perhaps because..like most women..if they've kids..they need more of a commitment articulated..she's not about to lay (or her kids) bare..Just be honest about what you would like...ask her to be honest ( and say it would be fine if she just wanted to remain friends..taht you could do that cause you value her as a person) but that you would like things to move forward..at a pace that suits her and her children (obviously)..but that you would like to know where she stands..how she potentialy sees you and her relationship with you.. to avoid anyone having unreal expectations or it threatening chances of a good friendship in the future..

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