New member with unusual lifestyle.

[Secondwife]

I joined up yesterday but I have lurked on here for some time now. I've not found a sub forum for introductions so I'm using this post here to introduce myself and my somewhat unusual life, and living arrangements.

As my username suggests I am a Second wife to my OH, but not in the conventional sense as we are not married and can never be. Most of you will find this very hard to understand and accept as it breaks the 'norm' with regards to relationships but we are in a Polygamous relationship. He is early 40's and is married to his wife who is the same age, and they live together without children as that is their wish. I am early 50's and live 40 miles away from them in my own home. I have three teenage children from a previous marriage and support myself and my children with the bare minimum of financial help from their Father, to which they do not see and do not recognise as a 'Father'. He left when they were all still very young, the youngest was only months old as he suddenly decided being married and a parent was not for him.

My OH was a very distant friend for many years although I was well aware that his wife did not have a huge sexual appetite. He struggled with the not wanting to cheat on her, but really needing a sexual outlet. I was celibate but frustrated and some how we became for want of a better word 'Fuckbuddies'. There was strictly no emotion between us and sex was good but that was all it was. Over the years it seems the OH began to fall in love with me and my children without my knowledge, and it was a huge shock years ago when he finally confessed he loved me/us. Over the years of us being fuckbuddies his wife grew to understand what was happening between us and she was relieved that she did not have to have sex when she did not want it and that he would not be leaving her for us, merely we would share him. And so it began... I am called his secondwife in gest by her and he spends some of each week at each home. He makes no financial contribution to my household other than paying for the odd take-away to cover food that he does consume at my house,. We go on family outings together as a proper family and my kids call him 'Dad'. That is their choice, it has never been pushed onto them, they realise which man in their life loves them and has time for them, and which does not.

The only downside we have so far discovered is that we can never 'out' ourselves to family and friends. As far as they all know we are all just good friends such is the social frowning that happens to people who wish to live a polygamous life. It is not something that any of us set out to do, it just sort of happened and it works for us.

Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.. These people.

ah, right, thanks

Hi
You are not in a polygamous marriage. You are his bit on the side, ok he may love you and your family but you are not his second wife. In polyigamus marriages the husband supports all his wives and children and the wives know about and accept each other. I don't know much about it but it is their religious beliefs they belong to a church etc.
Sorry but you are the OW, this man is having the best of both worlds. A wife at home and a bit on the side with sex on tap
Wake up please and find a man that isn't married to someone else

I remember watching that tv show about Mormons a few years ago - the wives didn't live under the same roof, they all had their own houses. But he was "married" to all of them (in as much as you can be seeing as it's illegal anyway) - so I don't think they have to live under the same roof to be polygamous.

but this still isn't polygamy because no marriage, however sham, has taken place between the OP and this man.

Yeah, right, you've got three teenage DC calling him Dad and your family and friends don't know.

Sure.

Polygamy in the US is an excuse for rape. Children born into this area of the US, often incestuously, are brainwashed from birth to believe rape and incest are the will of God. Witness the conviction this month of Warren Jeffs, who will die in a Texas prison for such offenses.

This gal is just a mug.

'In polyigamus marriages the husband supports all his wives and children and the wives know about and accept each other. '

No, he doesn't. Any second and subsequent 'wives' he takes go to the government and claim welfare as single mums, with his full knowledge and that of the community, because plural marriage is illegal in the US, same as it is here.

He also tax dodges by declaring his property and the community's property a church, and therefore a charity, even though they run businesses from it, hence, the bust of Warren Jeff's compound being from the feds, because tax crimes are federal.

There's really no comparison in the UK, tbh. The Four Corners area was well known for many years for such practices and only recently cracked down on first because of tax evasion.

They are not traditional Mormons because what are traditional Mormons now had to give up plural marriage in order for Utah to become a state because bigamy is illegal. It's a fact, folks.

So OP, because his WIFE calls you his second wife IN JEST, you think you are in a polygamous relationship? Have you ever thought just what the term 'wife' means to her? It might not mean the same as it means to you, I have known those (male and female) who considered it a synonym for 'drudge' or 'owned' or 'unpaid servant'.

I am sorry that you think so little of yourself as to accept this situation. If you just saw him as a fuck buddy, that would be fine, because I fear that is closer to your true status in this relationship. A wife is acknowledged publicly. You are not. A married couple are a financial unit. He contributes nothing to your household.

I do find it disturbing that you have replaced one man who "decided being married and a parent was not for him" with another who in essence is behaving in that same spirit. And that your children call him 'Dad', when he is neither biological father nor acknowledgable provider. Fuck only knows what this arrangement of your is doing to their heads and emotions, especially as they presumably also live this 'relationship' in secret.

Get a grip, woman!

Passes a copy of 'Farewell, My Concubine' and 'The Female Eunuch' to the OP.

I have a strange repulsion/fascination with polygoamy.

But Op this really isn't that.

And I know because I have the entire boxset of "Big Love".

'And I know because I have the entire boxset of "Big Love".'

The reality of Big Love in the US is underage girls, in dresses with jeans underneath, brought up in caravans on land in the desert, being beaten by 'the Elders' if they don't submit to 'celestial marriage'/rape with men old enough to be their fathers, if not grandfathers, although that it is oftentimes not necessary due to their having been brainwashed from birth. And boys being beaten and abused by these Elders. The young boys and men are usually the biggest casualties of plural marriage culture and the ones most needing treatment after escape or enforced deprogramming. They are superfluous to their society and treated as such. It takes years to help these sons.

Believe me, I left in Colorado a number of years and worked with many who escaped polygamy. I had a work colleague who fell in love with a boy from the homeschool on the land. They ran away and were chased by a posse of his and her relatives. With guns. They crossed into the state of Arizona and lived in hiding, with help from charities, till she turned 18 and was able to marry him without parental consent. I can't tell you what they suffered those 2 years till she did. She lied and said she had no period, and she got away with it because she did all the laundry for the family.

They had two children, 5 years apart. He said, 'I'm one of 36 and she's one of 34. It doesn't make sense to have more kids than you can have a life for.'

'Big Love' is a joke.

Exploitation, rape, incest, child abuse is the order of the day.

Erm, I was just being tounge-in-cheek...

Sorry it obvioulsy came across seriously. I am often told I am too deadpan.

I got it coco!

Lachesis - the practices in those communities and the damage done to those people is nothing less than disgusting! In these circumstances though it has to be pointed out the these 'religious' organisations are not the only ones who are polygamous or polyamorous. There are numerous 'polys' in the UK who operate with the full adult knowledge and informed consent of those involved. To those people I say each to their own.

Can I also commend you on the only use of the word "Feds" to occur within the last few weeks not to make my teeth itch!

Well, OP, you are not actually the only person on the whole of MN to have experimented with polyamorous relationships, whatever your experiences on other discussion boards may have been. But the main reason you're getting a bit of a kicking is because you started out by blowing your own trumpet about how special your relationship is and how you're here to educate us about it - and then said that actually you're miserable and would rather engage in monogamy. So you've made a bit of a twerp of yourself.
Why not have a think about what you actually want - comfortable no-strings sex and a monogamy-free lifestyle, or a monogamous partner. It's up to you (and everyone else) to decide what they want and look for it.

I am normally extremely nice and understanding with everyone on here (I have only read one page, it is really all I could manage), but....

I feel sorry for you, you are obviously deluded. You're not in a polyamourous marriage, you're more like a real life sex doll proven by the fact you cannot have a proper relationship or even tell anyone about you being together (which is a bit unbelievable if your kids call him Dad )

However, I feel far more sympathy for your kids, who instead of having a normal family life, get to watch their brainwashed Mother get used as a doormat (and that is all you are really) and have normalised the behaviour so much that they call the man who is using their Mother "Dad".

This makes me feel a bit sick tbh.

OP are you my mum?

Not sure this is incredibly unusual, I certainly know of a situation where the husband has two families. I don't see why bitching over whether the second relationship is a real 'wife' in the legal sense (obviously not in the UK) or an OW is that interesting. OW is usually the person someone has a secret affair with in a monogamous situation, this isn't the case here.

The families I know don't live together, they are 'out' to each other (i.e. each of them knows about the other family and they have all agreed to the husband spending time with each of them) but they don't interact, and aren't 'out' to the wider extended family. We all know about it but nobody would be crass enough to say 'is your husband with his other family today?'

Personally, I think this is half-measures and wouldn't want to bother having a relationship with a husband who set up another family, but if the original wife is fine with it (as my relations are) and prefers to remain a wife on these terms rather than get a divorce, fair enough.

As for the money, given he's not your husband and you have no legal claim on his estate, you are right not to mix up your finances IMO. This way, if you do go your separate ways, you are financially separate. Keeping your financial independence is the way to go (judging by the myriad of threads on here full of women who can't leave their husband for financial reasons/poverty).

SGB!!! You dont know me, I have had many a namechange. But I have to tell you I often follow your posts and am enlightened by them. I am monogamous and 100% happy that way, but your posts have made me realise that not everyone who isn't monogomous is kidding themselves about how happy they are (although I do think this may be the case here). You have allowed me to look into myself to see that the root of a good lifestyle choice is about informed consent and not about other peoples ideas of right and wrong.

Sorry to derail the thread, gushing is now over!

Am guessing you are very bored and were watching This Morning earlier on.

There was some women on This Morning (im laid up after an op , I was bored what can I say talking to Ruth and Eammon(sp) and that agony aunt Denise wassername? Not much sympathy there either.
Just wondering if there is a connection with this thread or a coincidence [shrug]

I am seriously bored now aren't I .

Do your chldren have to lie about your relationship then ??

nutcracker I already asked her that.... Twice!!! no answer,
but she does state that its sad her family cant be told so I guess with her not answering its safe to assume that even though they call him Dad they can't mention dad to the rest of the family which is or must be very unfair and/ or confusing for them .

Ahh thank's fit2drop, I missed that bit.

If the dc are having to lie then you are being very selfish imo.

I agree with most other posters, in that you are just his bit on the side, thats it, no more, and i do know what I am talking about.

There is a great deal of bigotry and stupidity among the monogamous when it comes to monogamy-free living. However, this doesn't mean that everyone who lives without monogamy is invariably enlightened and decent and fair - even the most obsessive monogamy-cultists usually understand that being monogamous doesn't automatically make you a good person or a good partner.
Along with several others, I think the most worrying thing about this is the OP's DC are supposed to call the man 'Dad' but not tell anyone else that he is the OP's partner.

It must be very conflicting for them too.

I mean feeling that this man is the father figure in their lives and loving him as their dad, yet having to lie about it.