New member with unusual lifestyle.

[Secondwife]

I joined up yesterday but I have lurked on here for some time now. I've not found a sub forum for introductions so I'm using this post here to introduce myself and my somewhat unusual life, and living arrangements.

As my username suggests I am a Second wife to my OH, but not in the conventional sense as we are not married and can never be. Most of you will find this very hard to understand and accept as it breaks the 'norm' with regards to relationships but we are in a Polygamous relationship. He is early 40's and is married to his wife who is the same age, and they live together without children as that is their wish. I am early 50's and live 40 miles away from them in my own home. I have three teenage children from a previous marriage and support myself and my children with the bare minimum of financial help from their Father, to which they do not see and do not recognise as a 'Father'. He left when they were all still very young, the youngest was only months old as he suddenly decided being married and a parent was not for him.

My OH was a very distant friend for many years although I was well aware that his wife did not have a huge sexual appetite. He struggled with the not wanting to cheat on her, but really needing a sexual outlet. I was celibate but frustrated and some how we became for want of a better word 'Fuckbuddies'. There was strictly no emotion between us and sex was good but that was all it was. Over the years it seems the OH began to fall in love with me and my children without my knowledge, and it was a huge shock years ago when he finally confessed he loved me/us. Over the years of us being fuckbuddies his wife grew to understand what was happening between us and she was relieved that she did not have to have sex when she did not want it and that he would not be leaving her for us, merely we would share him. And so it began... I am called his secondwife in gest by her and he spends some of each week at each home. He makes no financial contribution to my household other than paying for the odd take-away to cover food that he does consume at my house,. We go on family outings together as a proper family and my kids call him 'Dad'. That is their choice, it has never been pushed onto them, they realise which man in their life loves them and has time for them, and which does not.

The only downside we have so far discovered is that we can never 'out' ourselves to family and friends. As far as they all know we are all just good friends such is the social frowning that happens to people who wish to live a polygamous life. It is not something that any of us set out to do, it just sort of happened and it works for us.

Can I just be clear, I asked twice and got no answer,

OP has not said the children have to lie , however

because she has said the family dont know and cant be told but states that the children call him dad , its reasonable to assume that the kids cant mention dad, So not necessarily lying about him but having to be very careful about what they say when in the company of aunts and uncles must be awful for them , no matter what their age .
And what sort of message is it sending out.

YY fit. I asked too. But a lie by ommission is as much a lie as one by commission

If you're happy with the situation, I see nothing wrong with your lifestyle. Not everybody wants commitment, and a man around 24/7 and living in the same house as love interest can get very, very claustrophobic. When I have been in live-in relationships that have gone sour, I have looked wistfully on dating only set-ups with no rubbish. So nice to have your own space.
Happiness does not have to equal marriage/cohabitation with children- let's be honest, for many it does not- you only have to look at this site to see that!

I think that the role of mistress is very maligned and I am not quite sure why - I suspect that the main critics are jealous wives who feel threatened by the concept. I think that mistresses have probably always fulfilled an important role. Marriage can be a pain in the arse, it often doesn't work very well, people have acrimonious divorces and all the rest of it. I am sure there are plenty of married people who would be relieved not to have to have sex for a time - the mistress can provide that role. Equally, from the perspective of the mistress, she gets to have a sexual/romantic relationship without all the crap that can sometimes come with a marriage.

I really don't see what all the fuss is about.

I think the fuss is about the fact she perhaps thought there would be a fuss. Also because the mistress has 'a role' and that role is not the starring role. Why should a woman play a role like that in someone else's life -- and this role is clearly not the one she wants either. What is problematic with the role of mistress is that a mistress is not front and centre in her own life but living in the shadows of someone else's

I think there is rightful concern over where her children fit in in all of this and what lessons they are learning about what a 'dad' is. The element of secrecy is another thing that can't be good for them. It is hardly good for them to see their mother accepting and living her life according to terms that are allegedly dictated by a third party (the first wife) -- not good for them to see the man in this situation apparently doing the same either. Two spineless people deluding themselves and dragging children into the fantasy are not great models of behaviour for children.

I think being a mistress is very sad and shows a great lack of self esteem.

TheRealMBJ

Oh I agree with you and definitely believe the childreen are being coherced into the OP "little secret". I was however just covering myself(my comments) on the off chance the OP does return (where is she huh? reckon she probably IS the woman off This Morning TV) anyway I digress, just covering my arse in case she comes back and says"where did I say I get my children to lie"

on another point, totally off topic, I have been on MN since about January and see YY lots and have never understood the meaning , would someone put me right please. Thank you

Yes Yes

"Two spineless people deluding themselves and dragging children into the fantasy are not great models of behaviour for children."

Hmmm - and plenty of far worse relationship and parenting models out there, unfortunately. Just read these threads for a start - emotional abuse seems to feature quite highly. Plenty of totally dysfunctional 'traditional' relationships and marriages out there.

In any case marriage is a bit of a delusion and fantasy - it's fine if you go into it without the fairy-tale stuff that is fed to everyone. But the reality seldom matches the fantasy if what people say and do is anything to go by.

"Why should a woman play a role like that" - presumably for all sorts of reasons. Why not ask a mistress? Presumably one reason is they do not necessarily want all the baggage that goes with a marriage.

The rest of the skewed relationships of the world don't matter to the children half as much as the ones they see their parent involved in.

This particular mistress is going along with something she is unhappy with to the extent that she calls herself a second wife and has the children roped in to feed her fantasy by calling her unavailable boyfriend 'dad'. Sad, sad, sad.

My friend became a mistress at about the age of 22 to a 45 year old man.

It was like, as someone said earlier she was merely catching crumbs.

She was a mistress because he kept lying he would leave his partner for her.She cast herself in the role as she hoped one day to get some sort of promotion to his actual partner.

He never did. She wasted 6 years on him.

But surely if they didn't want the baggage or marriage (it rhymes!), they could always get a fuck-buddy? I'd imagine the glamourous mistress image (think Jackie Collins-type books) is nowhere near the RL version of being someone's dirty little secret. All that hiding it from friends and family generates far more baggage surely?

tadpole

Not negating OP right to do and shag whoever she pleases, however to allow her children to call this guy dad , inviting him into thier lives as well as hers , doing "family" stuff but not being able to tell her family is wrong, asking the children to keep this sort of secret and denying thier "dad" is unbelievably selfish.

If she truly believes that what she is doing is right she would announce it with pride to everyone and stuff those that don't understand...
She obviously feels its wrong otherwise why the secrecy?

I didn't see This Morning. (Any TV watched during the day is distinctly juvenile) but what really strikes me about this poster (who's probably been scared away, which is a pity ) is that she protests too much.

There are plenty of people who live a non heteromonogamous existence who are very, very happy with their life choices and who are open with family and friends regarding these decisions (SGB on here, comes to mind) and there is absolutely nothing wrong or actually unusual about that. But secondwife most obviously is not really happy with it, as she says so in her OP.

I also wonder whether the man feels or sees himself as the children's father at all or whether it is just that she (and they) hopes that he does. Does he go to plays or sports games, or help them with homework? Does he tLk to them about 'fatherly' things like alcohol and drugs or sex?

TheRealMBJ

ermmm I am indisposed after major op, so sat in a Shackleton's chair so daytime TV and laptop are my friends. I have not yet succumbed(sp) to Jeremy Vile .... but a few more weeks of this and I can't make any promise

No judgement from me just an acknowledgement that CBeebies is my main parenting tool while I MN get on with household chores.

Maybe the lady who made the opening post is not happy being a mistress- and, yes, mistress is a fair description- but plenty are happy in that role.

It has many advantages: romance without having daily drudgery, freedom from the disadvantages of a live-in relationship.

Whatever, I get a bit peed-off when cohabiting/marriage is held up as being the ideal set-up for women. It simply is not. For many, it's a nightmare; good luck to anybody who finds an alternative that suits them.
The whole 'crumbs from table' idea is often inaccurate, anyway, as if marriage is superior. What a joke! Marriage/live-in cohabitation is far from perfect and just means drudgery and oppression for many.
I hate the way it is held up as being the ideal.

Wamster I don't think that the majority of the peters on this thread has held up marriage and co-habitation as some sort of ideal, actually. But the OP certainly says that an open monogamous relationship would be a better scenario for her.

Whatever 2 consenting adults decide though, there are three children to be considered here and it seems to me (granted from very little information) that it certainly is not an ideal situation for them. I don't mean that it is ideal for a mother and father to live together under the same roof, but the person that it is better for children to have an involved, acknowledged father or none at all that a sort of drop-in-dad. IYSWIM

Not peters obviously, posters.

Wamster its not ideal and life is all about choices .People do or should do whatever suits them and their needs , but asking innocent people to lie to cover up a secret is wrong.
A relationship that is based on lies cannot be right. And whether its him lying to her or her asking her children to lie or her lying to herself somewhere in the picture there are lies...not a solid foundation for ANY relationship, married, mistress or fuck buddy.

I know a few polys, if everyone is happy then who cares who sleeps with who? Cant say its for me though.

I would say a good marriage is the ultimate ideal though.

Call me old-fashioned!

I don't see marriage being held up here as superior to the lifestyle of the OP. She herself has done that by calling herself the second 'wife'. It wouldn't occur to her to define herself using a term used in the context of marriage unless the status of marriage was attractive to her. Clearly she sees herself as a second fiddle.

Oh there are certainly advantages in being a 'mistress' - but you can get the same advantages by dating a single man and firmly refusing to live with him or indeed to commit to monogamy. Nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a dating relationshp that's all restaurant meals and shags in nice hotels or whatever. There is no need at all to make every sexual relationship progress remorselessly towards rows about the washing up and whose parents to spend Xmas with.
Being the mistress of someone who is committed elsewhere can be more stressful - there's either all the secrecy to maintain or all the aggravation of monogamists lecturing you about what's wrong with you even if the man's wife knows about you and doesn't care.

But that's different to your children calling him 'dad' though, SGB