New member with unusual lifestyle.

[Secondwife]

I joined up yesterday but I have lurked on here for some time now. I've not found a sub forum for introductions so I'm using this post here to introduce myself and my somewhat unusual life, and living arrangements.

As my username suggests I am a Second wife to my OH, but not in the conventional sense as we are not married and can never be. Most of you will find this very hard to understand and accept as it breaks the 'norm' with regards to relationships but we are in a Polygamous relationship. He is early 40's and is married to his wife who is the same age, and they live together without children as that is their wish. I am early 50's and live 40 miles away from them in my own home. I have three teenage children from a previous marriage and support myself and my children with the bare minimum of financial help from their Father, to which they do not see and do not recognise as a 'Father'. He left when they were all still very young, the youngest was only months old as he suddenly decided being married and a parent was not for him.

My OH was a very distant friend for many years although I was well aware that his wife did not have a huge sexual appetite. He struggled with the not wanting to cheat on her, but really needing a sexual outlet. I was celibate but frustrated and some how we became for want of a better word 'Fuckbuddies'. There was strictly no emotion between us and sex was good but that was all it was. Over the years it seems the OH began to fall in love with me and my children without my knowledge, and it was a huge shock years ago when he finally confessed he loved me/us. Over the years of us being fuckbuddies his wife grew to understand what was happening between us and she was relieved that she did not have to have sex when she did not want it and that he would not be leaving her for us, merely we would share him. And so it began... I am called his secondwife in gest by her and he spends some of each week at each home. He makes no financial contribution to my household other than paying for the odd take-away to cover food that he does consume at my house,. We go on family outings together as a proper family and my kids call him 'Dad'. That is their choice, it has never been pushed onto them, they realise which man in their life loves them and has time for them, and which does not.

The only downside we have so far discovered is that we can never 'out' ourselves to family and friends. As far as they all know we are all just good friends such is the social frowning that happens to people who wish to live a polygamous life. It is not something that any of us set out to do, it just sort of happened and it works for us.

I think the post was probably a wind-up - but never mind, it raises some interesting points about relationships.

Telling lies - a tricky one. Some lies are quite good - eg: does my bum look big in this: probably only one answer to this if you care about the relationship.

"If she truly believes that what she is doing is right she would announce it with pride to everyone and stuff those that don't understand..."

Sorry - but why is it wrong - I don't get it?? Wife doesn't want sex with husband and is okay with him getting it elsewhere.

What problem do you have with this?

Oh, don't tell me - marriage police!!

I think the point is that she isn't comfortable with the choice though as she says 'I'd dearly love to be in a monogamous relationship'

tadpoles, there is no "probably" about it

but don't let that stop anyone getting on their soapbox

Tadpoles, as I have said before I dont have a problem with people not wanting to be monogamous if all parties sign up to it at the outset. This situation is not like that though. To me it looks like the wife married this man THEN several years later said I have fallen in love with someone else and you can either deal with it and I will still be around or I ofski with her.

The wife not wanting sex is obviously an issue, but one that should be dealt with at source rather than creating a whole other family.

Can't be arsed to read the whole thread (I am very important and busy you know) but:

Er....you are not a polygamous wife. You are the Other Woman. And last time I looked there was nothing especially 'unusual' about that as a 'lifestyle' choice.

But if everyone is happy then super. Except you don't sound terribly happy...

"I think the point is that she isn't comfortable with the choice though as she says 'I'd dearly love to be in a monogamous relationship"

Well - what can we all say but - go for what you want!!!

This thread made me think of Michael Gambon who is married but has a publically acknowledged girlfriend / mistress with whom he has children. The difference for me between his situation and the OP's is that he introduces Philippa Hart to people as his girlfriend; it is an open and public lifestyle choice.

As I mentioned in a previous post the polygamous family we know are from a culture where polygamy is legally recognised and the wives have full formal status.

Its not just the secrecy surrounding this relationship that doesn't feel right but also the fact that the OP seemed to think we needed educating and would grab our pitchforks and hound her out (or something).

I don't have an issue with other people's polyamourous relationships providing it is done with the consent of all parties (not one party presenting the other with a live with it or leave option) and in such a way that the children are not expected to lie or left confused.

Open relationships are fine, but there is deceit and secrecy involved here outside of the happy threesome, and there are children who are seeing adults essentially not having the courage of their convictions.

Sorry to have been away the last couple of days, been at work so unable to get online there. I've not read all that has been added to the thread so I may miss a few comments but it has waffled a lot.

The children chose to call him Dad, it was never asked nor forced on them all. They are old enough to know that the man who shows an interest in them and cares about them alot is the one they want to call Dad. Not the one who they have not seen in years but shares DNA with them. My family are unaware as it would probably kill my very, very ageing parents. They are of a generation/country that even having an affair was wrong so we hold back a few truths from them. I wish we could be open about it, and I wish I could walk down the street with the man I love but I will not risk upsetting my parents. It is our intentions to come clean upon their natural deaths, so whilst I long to be open I do not long for my parents demise in order to do so.

For the lady that asked if I washed his socks, is that really that interesting to you? I said he lives between houses therefore his clothes are split roughly equally. So I wash some of his stuff, depends on a number of circumstances. I don't watch daytime tv so I have no idea what was on This Morning recently, I've only ever caught a few episodes of it in my life.

I'm not low on self esteem as said, far from it. I've been approached by other men wanting a relationship but I am more than happy with the set up I have and despite those of you worrying over my kids and the effect it is having on them, please don't. They are fine children who are loved and have a happy Mummy, shame not all children are living in such happy households. :(

The retired gentleman who works as a lollipop man on the route between home and school shows an interest in my children and cares about them a lot. Should they call him Dad? (Probably Grandad to be fair..)

When you say 'even having an affair' do you mean you don't think you are having an affair? Or does sock washing for your man mean it is something more elevated?

When you say 'we hold back a few truths' from your parents, do you mean you and the children (implying the children have been coached to lie to their grandparents), or have you introduced this man to them under false pretences (and if so have the children witnessed this?) Do you honestly think your parents are such idiots that they do not know what is going on?

I understand that the deceit involved in an affair is unpleasant for all concerned but in this particular instance the wife knows and apparently doesn't mind as it she doesn't want to have sex with him herself and therefore will not be under any obligation.

It seems that the secrecy aspect is more to do with how wider family, friends and society generally perceive this set-up - the 'social frowning'.

Who cares really what anyone else thinks? Usually the people who are the most judgemental are those with their own skeletons jangling in cupboards.

Look at this board to get an idea of how difficult it is for many people to find happiness in long term relationships - so often a couple can be mismatched sexually and it is a cause of endless unhappiness.

Sometimes people find their own solutions to these types of situation - good luck to them I say.

"Look at this board to get an idea of how difficult it is for many people to find happiness in long term relationships"

But she is trying to find happiness in a long term realtionship! She wants the status of wife.

Not that the wife should necessarily be under any obligation to have sex, but if she knows that he is getting it elsewhere, she can cross that off her list of marital duties without any feelings of guilt.

There are loads of examples of people juggling wives and mistress. Frankly, it sounds like a lot of hard work but if anyone doesn't like it then they can always vote with their feet. What irks me most is not the concept of the mistress, per se, as I can see they can provide a useful role, but the fact that there is greater social acceptability for an attached man to have a lover than a woman. But that is just another example of how there is still so much gender inequality.

Do children spontaneously decide to call Mum's boyfriend 'Dad'? Surely if OP introduced this man as X they would call him X? Sorry OP, I think you have to think back and work out where this comes from. They've picked it up from you (or him) in some way (possibly trying to please you as you regard this setup as a family).

tadpoles, I agree that if this man's wife is happy with the situation (and we are seeing her opinions through the filter of the OP) that's fine for her, she's an adult. But do you really think it gives OP's DC the best example of healthy adult relationships?

Does washing socks accord wifely status?

If so, the definition of self esteem may need some adjustment.

And to say that a mistress is playing a useful role assumes that the proper role of women is to be acolytes of men.

I bet you £50 that him and the wife are at it like bunnies.

WhereYouLeftIt --
I agree with your observations. Secondwife, if you are not completely happy with what the children call this man then you should put a stop to it. If you are happy with it, then don't shrug it off as their decision.

None of this is shocking. But what DOES bother me is that he does not contribute any money
-why does he not? I don't meant the mortgage. Yes, keep paying that yourself and your kids will indeed inherit it. But why is he not paying towards the electricity used if you do his washing?
Where else could he live half the week without paying utilities? I don't get that bit at all.

Haven't read the whole thread but my understanding of polygymy is you all live together and the benefits to the women are companionship and help with the children and chores.

You sound more like a mistress the wife tolerates. Like in the old days of aristocracy/royalty. Seems a bit of a cliche really but if you like it then stick with it.

Also if it was polygymous you would be able to hold hands in public. And if the wife knows and is happy with it - why don't you?

I think what strikes me overall about the OP's posts here and her general situation is the general failure to 'own' her life and her situation. She and her BF have no choice but to suffer the necessity of loving and washing socks in secret; the children have spontaneously and unanimously decided that a person wearing trousers who takes an interest in them is 'dad'; no revelations of the relationship will be made until the parents have passed away as knowledge of it would kill them -- there is quite an air of being a starcrossed victim of circumstances here. High self esteem and starcrossed victimhood are strange bedfellows.

This 'husband'- he must be laughing at how made he has it.
He gets so many benefits and all he has too give back is the odd takeaway.

if youre telling everyone this incase you refer to your 'unusual lifestyle' in future,youre out of luck,not many of of will be arsed to remember,sorry.
and its hardly an unusual lifestyle,im sure quite a few married men have a bit on the side.

Would you want to be promoted to firstwife?
Would you be happy if he were to end his first marriage and move in with you full time? Then you could walk down the street hand in hand, and you did not have to lie to elderly parents. You could be open and honest.

If the answer to any of the above is yes, you are not truly happy about the "family setup".

My friend had a similar set up.

Her partner lived with his wife in the weekends, and in his flat in town (for work) during the week. My friend lived just about next door, but stayed at his during the week. This went on for years and years.....

She however young, had the good grace to call herself herself for what she was, namely "mistress", rather than presume the title "second wife", which I assume is quite offensive to the "real" wives around.