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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he's just with me for one thing isnt he!?!

27 replies

spookycharlotte121 · 22/08/2011 21:52

Been seeing this guy for about 2 months and basicly he says he doesnt want to label things because it makes them complicated.....i kinda understand that and dont wanna ruin what we have but its just playing on my mind.
He is only 21 and with me having two kids it kinda makes the situation a bit complicated. But the kids arent part of the equation at the mo,he has met them in passing but not properly and wont be unless we are in a proper relationship and have been for some time.
He usually stays over once a week and we have started sleeping together.....he txt me this evening and said "we had a great session last night" again this kinda leads me to think he is only seeing me for the sex.
I just feel a bit gutted, we get along really well and he seems like a nice guy. Just dunno whats going on between us and when I ask I never feel like I get a straight answer. Im kinda confused!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/08/2011 21:54

ask him ?

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2011 21:55

Oh he's 21, he's not going to be looking for a relationship, sorry. Nor should he really - he sounds very young.

He's at a stage in his life when he will want to go out and about and not be tied to anyone.

You're at a different stage as you have small children. You can't just get up and go out whenever you want.

If you're looking for a relationship, dump him. If you're looking for some no strings sex and you can avoid the children knowing he's there, carry on.

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 21:56

How old are you?

He is only 21 and I doubt the first thing on his mind is a long term relationship to be honest.

21 is far too young to be settling down, it is more about trying people on for size.

Does he take you out?

GypsyMoth · 22/08/2011 21:58

21,you have complications......he is too young for all that!

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/08/2011 21:58

jesus. he is same age as my son.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 22/08/2011 22:01

'Doesn't want to label things' = I don't want to be your boyfriend. I'd give it up as a bad job tbh. There's nothing wrong with a dirty text but if that's all he's sending then yes it's a problem. And if you're only seeing him once a week, and each time you do you sleep with him, then you're probably moving too quickly anyway. If you want to wait to have a proper relationship then the number one rule I would say is not to sleep together too quickly. But I have prude stamped on my forehead.

LouMou · 22/08/2011 22:03

Ha ha ha this reminds me of a conversation I had with someone I considered to be my boyfriend when I was 18. It went like this.

Him: Hi whats up

Me: Hi bastardhead you , not heard from you for a few days, everything ok? (last I'd seen him was about 4/5 days previously)

Him: Hey I don't have to check in with you, you know, it's not like we're boyfriend / girlfriend or anything.

Me: " "

Him: yeah, I don't like to label things, it makes things too complicated.

Me:" "

Run like fuck my dear, like you I was sleeping with this arse and he did a great number on my self esteem. Like I was, you're probably just one of many for this joker.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 22/08/2011 22:05

Im 23. Yeah we go out to the pub and for food.

Bummer. Kinda had this sinking feeling about it and now I know why.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 22/08/2011 22:30

He wont be looking for anything too heavy especially as you have 2 kids. Not many men at the age of 21 are looking to take on the role of daddy. However, he likes you, you like him. You have some fun together. Why the pressure?

I think women can be too fixated on "Relationships" and instead should just focus on having a bot of fun, exploring themselves and finding out what they like. You have years on your side.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 22/08/2011 22:38

I spose....just find that people are very quick to judge with my situation and I dont want to give them anymore reasons to be on my case.

I dont want to change anything about what we are doing, I enjoy his company. He is really switched on and has his own opinions on things in life. We have interesting discussions etc. But I just have doubts and wonder why he wont call me his gf......i worry maybe he is enbarressed of me or something.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 22/08/2011 22:57

He wont be embarrassed, he may just not want the hassle that goes with it. Meeting kids, meeting parents etc...

Just go with the flow and see where it goes. If he still doesnt want to address you as his gf after 6 months then re assess.

I would have a great deal of admiration for you bringing up too children. Hardest job in the world! He may do too...

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 23:15

He is 21 honey, what 21 year old wants to take on someone elses children? Seriously. It is not the kind of future I would want for my sons and they are 23 and 18, it is too much responsibility at too young an age.

Smum99 · 22/08/2011 23:26

He is telling you gently but the message is there - your instincts are right about him. (they usually are but we ignore them!) If you consider that boys mature at a slower rate than girls then he's not long out of his teens. He maybe interesting and intelligent but is that all you are looking for? Think about what you really want in a relationship - list the qualities and then honestly answer if he is close to your ideal man. If he isn't then get rid, a relationship where you give to a person, emotionally and physically but there isn't equality, in that giving, damages your self esteem.

nametapes · 23/08/2011 10:16

Ditto all of the above

chubsasaurus · 23/08/2011 14:54

Oh Christ he's 21, won't even commit to being your 'boyfriend' and you have two kids? You know the answer.

I'm also 23 and would never date a 21 year old, even one proposing commitment. Hell no. 21 year old boys are (90%+ at least) essentially kids. In fact I only date people over 25 for that very reason.

Pagwatch · 23/08/2011 14:57

My dh was 21 when we got married. I was 27. So his age does not preclude the possibility that he may want a serious relationship.
But given his youth and the fact that you have 2 children, that is a lot to expect him to be committed to.

MadameOvary · 23/08/2011 15:01

Yes he is.
Sorry.
From what you've said, I doubt that he knows any other "thing" tbh.

ameliagrey · 23/08/2011 15:51

He's too young.
You are too young.

You are both younger than both my children, who are not long out of uni, having fun and nowhere near thinking about being ready for children or settling down- though 1 does have a long-ish term relationship but they don't live together.

You need to move on- you are at a completely different stage of your life .

He is relatively speaking, still a child, or at least just out of his teens.

ruledbyheart · 23/08/2011 17:41

Don't normally post giving advice because I'm crap at it but I wanted to give you some encouragement, I'm 23 with 3 very young DCs, I split with there dad last year and thought that no one (in my age bracket) would ever want the responsibilty of me and my children, but I am now with a lovely guy only a year older than myself and we couldn't be happier.

Sounds like this guy is a loser though, dump him if your not happy with being used and find someone who wants the same things you do xx

diddl · 23/08/2011 17:57

"We had a good session last night"

Sounds about 16 tbh.

lazarusb · 23/08/2011 19:42

Spooky Maybe a beacon of hope for you here - I was 23 when I met DH, he was 20. I had a 5 year old ds. We're still together, still shagging and still in love. He may not want an instant commitment so guard your heart, but don't give up just yet

ameliagrey · 23/08/2011 22:34

you have been with this man/boy for 2 months.

How can you really expect him to want to take on you and 2 kids?

At 21 he ought to be immersed in his studies, or sowing his wild oats- or both.

Not tying himself down with a woman with 2 kids.

You do need a reality check- move on and find someone more mature, and maybe think about men less, for a while anyway. You must have your hands full looking after your kids and supporting yourself anyway.

alistron1 · 23/08/2011 22:40

At 21 I was a self supporting adult and was pregnant with my first child. A 21 year old isn't a 'child' by any stretch of the imagination.

There are some 31, 41, 51 year old guys who would behave in the way OP describes, I don't think it can purely be attributed to youth.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 23/08/2011 22:52

Gosh, be a bit more patronising, Ameliagrey!

OP it does sound like he's not up for settling down at the moment, and is just into having some fun. If you want more than just fun, he's probably not for you...

ameliagrey · 24/08/2011 08:30

I am not being patronising, I am being honest. Like it - or lump it!

40%-50% of people aged 21 are in education still.

The notion that a man aged 21 should be committing to something called a "relationship" with a woman who already has 2 kids by the age of 23, is not one I would recommend to anyone, including my own kids who are older than either of these people.

In fact I don't think anyone should be committing to a "relationship" after just 2 months.

It's too soon and in this case OP he is too young for you. You are in a different place.

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