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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stalking - robust practical advice needed

72 replies

TheSmallClanger · 21/08/2011 11:13

I'm posting this here for two reasons: one, people seem to know a bit about how these people work and how to deal with them and two, I don't want to get into any kind of debate as to this man's intentions. He scared me this morning.

On and off at work, a man I do not know follows me about, waits until no-one is looking, sidles up to me and starts giving my unwanted, over the top compliments. It started about two years ago, then went quiet for a long time - I had almost forgotten about it. However, he reappeared this week, once with his usual trick. Then I was doing overtime early this morning and caught him following me, but managed to head him off by stopping and starting. The worst bit is that just as I was leaving, he was in the car park, and saw my car. He has never been this "intensive" before.

My usual response to him IS quite robust - I tell him to go away in the same voice I use on my dogs. It normally takes a couple of attempts to shake him off. I have informed my boss at work, who is supportive, but as he never witnesses the incidents, and doesn't know who the stalker is, there isn't much he can do. We have been to the security department together, and the story is the same. Two of the three people we have spoken to have agreed that it isn't on, but because I can't identify the stalker, they cannot deal with him. The third, frustratingly, had some idea of who I meant, but did not take the complaint seriously. This is a very big workplace with many employees working for different companies and gov agencies - most of us don't know each other.

What should I do? We have police presence at this workplace, and I think the time has come to involve them. I think he may be doing this to other women, and I'm worried he is now able to follow me home. TIA.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 21/08/2011 11:17

Do you have CCTV in the car park at all or anywhere in building where he may have been? If so, (or even if not) then yes involve the police so they can have a look at recordings if you know a place and time he may have been on camera. If not CCTV still mention it to the police as they may have further advice for you.

Original poster
TheSmallClanger · 21/08/2011 11:47

There is CCTV in the car park.
Normally, he will not approach me inside buildings, although he has this week. He usually catches me moving between departments, always when I'm alone. There is no particular pattern to his actions other than this. I don't usually go in on Sundays either, so this morning was opportunistic.

My main worry is that he seems to know exactly what he is doing. He is not violent, has never threatened me and has only touched me once. There is no law against talking to people at work, is there? Sorry if this sounds like dripfeeding, but I'm trying to keep my posts focused.

I will involve the police and see what they say. Thankyou.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 13:49

Does he work in the same buildings as you? If not, how does he get in?

How many times have you seen him? How regularly? How many times has he spoken to you?

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 13:50

Is there any way you could take a photo of him?

FauxFox · 21/08/2011 14:01

Can you ask HR if anyone has recently rejoined the company or returned to the site you are at following a sabbatical or secondment elsewhere? That would explain the gap in harassment.

HerHissyness · 21/08/2011 14:07

If you have a mobile phone that takes pics, before you pass into areas where you may be unlucky enough to see him, get your phone ready. Better yet, work out how to get a shortcut to the camera, or assign a button. Then you will be able to photograph him quickly.

If you feel up to it, video him, say to him clearly, I am recording you for identification purposes, I have repeatedly asked that you leave me alone, and am asking you now. Your behaviour toward me is making me feel uncomfortable and I am telling you that it is unwelcome. I will be taking this film to Security, and to the Police.

Then follow through with it.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 21/08/2011 14:13

Was going to suggest the same as HerHissyness.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 14:22

There will be CCTV on the carpark - can't someone identify him from that?

Katisha · 21/08/2011 14:23

Agree with Hissy's plan, but do it on an occasion when you know people are about in a short distance.

warthog · 21/08/2011 14:26

agree with herhissyness. also make sure you are at least a couple of metres away at all times.

keep your eyes open and see if you can spot him watching you in crowded places. he must do this so that he can get you on your own. if you do see him, again, take his photo and immediately point him out to someone, preferably security.

don't be ashamed to make a fuss. this is serious enough.

GertieWooster · 21/08/2011 16:45

Also agree with herhissyness and also think that the word "harassment" should be used as this is defined in law

Do you have union reps available. Even if you're not in a union, a lot of reps are well trained in harassment at work situations and would be happy to give advice on this.

Even if you don't work with this person or are in the same company, your work should be taking it very seriously as you are effected whilst at work. Putting something in writing as to how scared you are and how unsolicited this "attention" is may focus their minds.

Theyremybiscuits · 21/08/2011 16:56

This is awful.

I agree with Hissy's idea.

dodgybum · 21/08/2011 17:42

Yeah it's horrendous. It must make you really nervous at work.

Take a picture and get him dealt with. It's unacceptable.

You should be proud of yourself treating him so robustly. A lot of people would want to tell someone to 'go away' like that but wouldn't do it. Maybe try 'fuck off' next time!

Good luck.

Lovingsinglelife · 21/08/2011 17:51

I really feel for you, what a bloody awful situation and you shouldn't have to put up with this particularly in your workplace. Glad you are involving the police, only extra advice I can give is if he talks to you directly or contacts you to completely ignore him and look through him as if he isn't there. Have a little experience of stalking behaviour and it only stopped when I completely refused to engage at all, even 'fuck off I dont like you and leave me alone' seemed to fuel the flames.

MajorB · 21/08/2011 20:14

If you work in a government building then you probably have security passes that you swipe to get in & out (& possibly to get onto certain floors/areas as well). These will log who comes in & out of the office at any given time.

I will also presume that Sunday in the office is relatively quiet, therefore I would insist that security look up the details of which males entered the office today (& specifically your floor/area if they can) and hopefully the details will have a photo with them so you will be able to pin point this guy.

Once you know who he is, action can be taken from there - however if there's no swipe card entry system then this won't work at all.

Sorry that you're going through this.

Hassled · 21/08/2011 20:16

The camera idea is a very good one and will presumably scare the shit out of him. Poor you - you sound very calm about it but it can't be nice at all.

Original poster
TheSmallClanger · 21/08/2011 20:41

Thanks for all the advice.

The building I work is restricted-access, so I am safe in there. He tends to sneak up on me on the walkways between buildings, or in one of the large public buildings which are full of people trying to get somewhere else. Normally, he will just "appear" next to me, but I caught him following me this morning. I suspect he has done this every time. I can't remember how many times he has done it, but there was a lull of almost a year. I will check with HR if I can - that is a good idea.

There is a union, but they are useless and the relevant rep hates our department.

I will use the H word when I speak to the police this week. I am a bit wary of filming him as this has the potential to backfire in a few ways.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 23/08/2011 08:38

I hope the police take it seriously - its very worrying behaviour. Are you keeping a detailed log of these incidents ? The more information you can get them, the better, so fold a bit of paper into your id badge holder, clip a pen on to the lanyard and make sure you have a watch on so that you can give them a time to check cctv/access record.

befuzzled · 23/08/2011 08:46

You need to keep an accurate recird of all dates and times you see him going forward, in case it ever goes to restraining order/courts, they wont take you seriously otherwise.

worldgonecrazy · 23/08/2011 08:48

I had a stalker, not a personal one, but he was following women back to their cars in the car park and then waiting at the end of the car, as if he was waiting for them to get in and close the door so he could get past (I suspect he got a thrill from looking at skirts ride up when women get into a car). Once he'd done it 2 or 3 times I noticed the pattern and reported him to the police. The police were great, we managed to apprehend the man and he was given a 'gypsy's warning' which apparantly is an informal caution. I think once the man realised how serious they were taking it he stopped his behaviour.

GloriaVanderbilt · 23/08/2011 08:49

I'm not clear if there are still people around when he approaches you?

If there are, within earshot, then I would suggest possibly shouting, quite loudly, 'Stop following me and leave me alone or I will call the police'. So that other people can hear you and see who you are talking to.

That way you will have witnesses at least.

RandomMess · 23/08/2011 08:55

Are you feeling brave enough to ask to see his security pass?

Keep but your security/gatehouse number in your mobile phone at the top of your address list. I would get close enough if you can to get hold of his pass (assuming it is on a pull out string thing) and phone security directly in front of the man and say hello this is x the man who keeps harrassing me is x and he is stood here with me between y and z having followed me again.

I would warn security of the issue and tell them you will be doing this and you will need an immediate presence.

That would work on the site where I am based of around 1,000 people and numerous buildings.

Also when you are going to be working there at "out of hours times" then I would speak to security on your way in and out be known by them, tell them you are on site and are vulnerable to this nutter.

redvelvetpoppy · 23/08/2011 09:04

Agree with the advice already given - am suprised that your Boss isn't being a bit more pro-active though...could someone discreetly tail you when leaving the building for example to act as a witness or even give you an escort? I had some harrassment at a previous job and was escorted in and out of the building by the menfolk until situation dealt with. Certainly speak to police, hopefully will be able to help enormously and HR - your employers have a responsibility for your safety & wellbeing. Good luck getting it sorted.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 23/08/2011 09:17

This sounds horrible, I would talk to the police about it. If you think he is approaching other women too, could you put out an email to everyone warning people to be aware and report anything suspicious?

Onemorning · 23/08/2011 20:16

Oh my, that must be awful. I was briefly stalked by my exH after we split and it was horrendous.

Please get the police involved. And keep a diary of every contact - as much detail as you can remember. This will help the police when you speak with them.

Good luck, I hope he leaves you alone soon.