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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stalking - robust practical advice needed

72 replies

TheSmallClanger · 21/08/2011 11:13

I'm posting this here for two reasons: one, people seem to know a bit about how these people work and how to deal with them and two, I don't want to get into any kind of debate as to this man's intentions. He scared me this morning.

On and off at work, a man I do not know follows me about, waits until no-one is looking, sidles up to me and starts giving my unwanted, over the top compliments. It started about two years ago, then went quiet for a long time - I had almost forgotten about it. However, he reappeared this week, once with his usual trick. Then I was doing overtime early this morning and caught him following me, but managed to head him off by stopping and starting. The worst bit is that just as I was leaving, he was in the car park, and saw my car. He has never been this "intensive" before.

My usual response to him IS quite robust - I tell him to go away in the same voice I use on my dogs. It normally takes a couple of attempts to shake him off. I have informed my boss at work, who is supportive, but as he never witnesses the incidents, and doesn't know who the stalker is, there isn't much he can do. We have been to the security department together, and the story is the same. Two of the three people we have spoken to have agreed that it isn't on, but because I can't identify the stalker, they cannot deal with him. The third, frustratingly, had some idea of who I meant, but did not take the complaint seriously. This is a very big workplace with many employees working for different companies and gov agencies - most of us don't know each other.

What should I do? We have police presence at this workplace, and I think the time has come to involve them. I think he may be doing this to other women, and I'm worried he is now able to follow me home. TIA.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 23/08/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

countrydreamer · 26/08/2011 12:35

It's essential to keep a diary as Befuzzled said. Write down everything you can remember about the last few months and record every single future encounter, with dates and times.
Have you started yet? If not, start Now.

Also photos on phone is excellent idea. Have phone ready for action wherever you have encountered him.

Also if you see him regularly in the same area, carry a dictaphone or similar, ready, switched on, to record anything he might say and your own response telling him to leave you alone.

Walk very tall, Head Up, look up over his head. Try to look confident. Try not to look frightened.

Freshen up your self defence skills.

Show photo to boss and colleagues at work and ask them to look out for you. Can you ask security who he is and then complain to his boss (with photos and diary as backup). Your boss and company owe you a duty of care to keep you safe at work.

Review your security arrangements at home - make sure all windows and doors are locked. There is lots of advice on any county police website. You might be able to get a crime prevention officer to come out and advise you.

Check the back of the car before you get into it and park in a public space. Lock car doors. Always carry a torch at night.

Carry an attack alarm all the time, make sure you can set it off in a hurry. If you get scared by him, even in the corridor, set it off. surely he will scarper - take photo of him as he scarpers.

countrydreamer · 26/08/2011 23:17

Have a look at www.suzylamplugh.org/personal-safety/

www.suzylamplugh.org/personal-safety/personal-safety-tips/victims-of-stalking/

Please tell us you are ok and how you are doing.

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2011 23:22

Poor Diana Lamplugh. No mother should ever have to go through what she did. RIP.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2011 12:53

Bear in mind that this man is committing a criminal offence and it is absolutely fine to gather evidence and involve the police. Point out to your boss that it is likely other women are being harassed by him as well. If there is a company newsletter, ask if you can put something in it to the effect that you are being harassed by an unidentified man and is anyone else having the same problem?

savoycabbage · 27/08/2011 13:11

My cousin is a stalker. She started stalking the man she is obsessed with when she was about 15 I would say and she is 40 now.

She was and is obsessed with him. He moved out of the country to get away from her. He probably thinks it's all over now as she can't physically stalk him. She thinks he wants to be with her and that other people are keeping them apart. She thinks that he rings and texts her and that he sends her messages through songs. He's not a popstar or anything, just an ordinary man.

There would definitely be times when a year would pass when he would have thought it was over.

TheSmallClanger · 30/08/2011 09:44

Update time: I can't say too much at the moment for confidentiality reasons, but this I spoke to the police last week and they were very helpful. The cctv in the car park is being examined.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/08/2011 09:45

Excellent.

RandomMess · 30/08/2011 10:45

I hope you're okay and I'm glad the police are taking this seriously.

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2011 11:27

Good news. The police will take stalking seriously, it is a crime.
SavoyCabbage: Is your cousin getting help? Because she clearly has De Clerembaults' Syndrome or something similar and it is treatable.

TheSmallClanger · 07/09/2011 12:19

Update time.

Again, I can't say much, but the stalker's boss has contacted me and asked me to drop the accusation. I have been given all the crap about condemning his family to poverty, and have been accused of misinterpreting his actions - he is lonely apparently, and only wants to get to know me!

My boss is being brilliant, and has ordered this person to not contact anyone in our department apart from him, for any reason.

I know I need to tell the police about this, but I'm now worried about my job. I have very recently joined this department full-time, and if things pan out the way I think they will, I will have been involved in two people losing their jobs. I like my job and our department, and this has really put a downer on things.

What can I do to stay strong and appear assertive at work?

OP posts:
LeBOF · 07/09/2011 12:23

You can feel confident that you have taken a big step to making your workplace less dangerous for women. This man happened to target you, but it could have been someone else, and he might still yet transfer his obsession. Even in terms of public safety, as least now the police have a record of his behaviour if anybody else ever complains. You may literally have saved somebody's life.

Katisha · 07/09/2011 12:35

Only wants to get to know you? I hope his boss knows that is utter bollocks.
Can you talk to your boss or HR or union rep about your worries re job?

Spuddybean · 07/09/2011 13:18

Hi OP, sounds horrible. Definately read the gift of fear (as mentioned above) by Gavin de Beck.

You are in a difficult position which the book goes into. If you don't press charges you look like (to him) you are actually interested and may have done all of this to find out who he was so you could get to know him etc.

If you do, you give him a reason to hate you (to him of course i mean). He may up the attention to find out why YOU lost him his job etc.

The book seems to suggest total disengagement and limit all opportunity for this to happen. So avoid heavy handed warnings from the police (often misinterpreted as being kept apart by others therefore proving your love - or enraging them to contact further) and say to your boss you will need another member of staff to escort you whenever you leave the building.

It sounds ludicrous and there will be people saying why should YOU alter YOUR life but, sadly, according to the book, this is often necessary.

Good luck

shocked2 · 07/09/2011 13:23

Hi smallclanger - I am really sorry this has been happening to you. SGB's mention of de clerembault's syndrome (also known as erotomania) reminded me of a film called "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" with Audrey Tautou. It is in French with subtitles and makes chilling watching. You don't know the motivation of your stalker but if you watch this film (which is also just a really good evening's entertainment despite being frightening) it might help you make up your mind as to any action that you should take with regards to him - whether or not this will lead to job losses for other people. At the very least, if your stalker does have a psychiatric complaint, he should be receiving treatment for it so that he does not carry on scaring other people / yourself and potentially worse. I really hope it all sorts itself out for you as it seems very unfair that you should have to go through all of this because of one nutter.

shocked2 · 07/09/2011 13:26

having read spuddybean's post, I agree that you have to proceed with the utmost care regarding any action taken as it is impossible to know what is going on in this person's head - he clearly does not operate within societally accepted boudaries, that much is clear

antlerqueen · 07/09/2011 13:29

Hi Smallclanger.

Just wanted to say this - if he happens to get fired over this, it's not your fault for reporting it, it's his fault for doing something wrong in the first place.

Spuddybean · 07/09/2011 13:41

i agree antlerqueen but in his mind it will be, and that is dangerous. If you look at stalking cases, interventions often make everything much much worse.

OP if you don't have to work with him and you will never have to see him i would personally drop the charges and ensure i had a chaperone at all times. This can escalate badly. And although it is your right to proceed through your life unmolested others who do not understand these boundaries are dangerous and surely it is better to make some adjustments now and even let him think he has won than stand up for your rights and be hurt or worse.

You should never ever have any form of contact with this man. If you HR dept understood this they would have insisted you be accompanied, not brought it to his attention and just quietly let him go. In his mind he now has stuff to prove, he may be embarassed as others know about it and feel let down bu his company who have not understood/supported him. He could go postal - unlikely butit has happened.

If his home life is terrible, and he is lonely, and he truly believes the fantasies in his head, these options are not out of the realms of possibility.

These are all serious consequences. Try not to make each move based on the current activity and what you (rightly) feel is your right, but look at the whole potential scenario.

And do, really really read that book.

xx

neuroticmumof3 · 07/09/2011 19:47

If I were you OP I would go to the police. They will be in a position to assess the risk this man poses to you and advise you on how to stay safe. Make sure you reverse park your car - this means you can drive away more quickly if necessary.

antlerqueen · 07/09/2011 21:16

Fair point, Spuddy.

I don't know much how a stalker's mind works, but i also think that without somebody stopping him he won't stop.

This is a series of blogposts from a woman who was stalked and how that ended, a really interesting read.

honeyrockdawn.com/2010/09/summer-2010/

TheSmallClanger · 07/09/2011 21:32

Oh bloody hell, I'm all confused now.
I've already been to the police. I know they have already been to see him and his supervisor, which is why the supervisor contacted me.

I have spoken at length with my own manager, and with DH. DH's take on it was that as I never see him outside work, if he is removed from the workplace, then my problem is solved. I live quite a way from my work and am fairly sure he doesn't live anywhere near me.

My manager has urged me to uphold my complaint, and pointed out that if I am worried about my position, then I will look even more of a troublemaker if I drop it - it will look as if I'm making it up.

Demanding to be accompanied everywhere will also make me look unreliable, and to be honest, I'd rather not go down that route. It's not that often that I have to move around the site, but it tends to be a spur-of-the-moment requirement thing.

Fuck.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 07/09/2011 21:43

Your company will not protect you if this escalates. they will sack him but there's nothing to stop him finding out where you live and this could only increase his nothing to lose/victim mentality.

I would seriously look for another job if possible and refuse to do spur of the moment site crossings. your boss should understand that - is there not someone else who could go?

And the 'stopping' him often seriously backfires. our natural reaction is to do something in this scenario, to make ourselves not feel so powerless but actually doing nothing is often the best option. People like this want any connection, even if it's rejection it's better than nothing.

So now what are your options? if you uphold the complaint will he lose his job? will he lose face/be shamed in front of others? If you don't uphold the complaint what would happen to both you and him?

Why do you say someone else lost their job because of you?

TheSmallClanger · 07/09/2011 22:04

Sorry, I'm losing you. I've only just started this job properly, it's a great job, and I'm not leaving!

If I uphold the complaint, he will be asked to leave. From what I know, this will not be a big production, he will just not be at work one day.

If I don't uphold the complaint, he stays where he is, able to harass me with the tacit support of his manager. That is, unless I reduce my own productivity and autonomy at work by having another member of staff escort me everywhere.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 07/09/2011 22:09

Is it possible for him to be given an extremely stern warning that if he attempts to approach you at any time, then he will lose his job. Or do you feel that this will not deter him?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 07/09/2011 22:09

You must uphold the complaint. This man has behaved in a completely unreasonable, and scary, manner. Him losing his job is not your problem, frankly. It sounds bloody awful.

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