Don't know where to start. Need to get this off my chest. Can't believe I'm posting, but I've had enough - need support and other perspectives on this. Have 1 DS and 1 DD, pre school age. DP blames me for "ruining his life". He has kicked and punched me but says it's my fault for various reasons. He dragged me along the sofa by my hair when I was PG, threatened to murder me and the kids whilst I was PG as they would be better off not having me as a mother, threatened to crash the car with us all in it to kill me and them, raises his fist to me as he thinks it's funny to see me cower from him. He says he hates me, I'm paid to wash and cook for him, but I'm useless at that. He has been verbally abusive for the last 4 years, puts me down, calls me a slag, accuses me of affairs because I don't want to sleep with him. I don't want to sleep with someone who tells me I'm a useless fat freak, ugly, a slag (not true by the way), screams in my face, tells me I'm a useless mother, sneers that I have no friends, I'm unemployable, etc etc. He says I have ruined his life because earlier this year we had a row, and he shut my ds in the bedroom and said "stay in there, you don't need to see this, I'm going to do your mother in". He tipped the sofa up with me on it, told me to get out of his house, spat at me, threw my clothes up the hall and told me he was taking my kids away from me. I called the police, he was arrested and cautioned. I let him back the next day as I didn't want the kids to have no dad and I was too scared to end it. Also, i was in a village at the time, miles away from anyone, can't drive, no money. Refused help from DV unit, glossed over it. Now DP has been told he must pass a criminal record check to get a licence to do his job. If his company find out about the caution they will sack him for gross misconduct they do it all the time to other people and fire them/don't employ them for bad credit histories etc. I've said they can't do that, he says they can, and it's all my fault for "overreacting and calling police" cos he'll never get a job anywhere again, so he wants me out of his house, leaving my kids behind, as he will be signing on, so he will get custody as I should now go out and get a job to pay my way. He has threatened me numerous times that he will take the kids and get his mother to look after them by saying I'm a druggie and a prostitute - I'm not - I had boyfriends before him but he says I'm a slag for this; MIL will back him up as he controls her too. We have just moved house again to give my kids the chance to be near his family (I don't get on with mine), and to go to a decent school. The house is in his name, I'm only a permitted occupier - he can give me notice to quit; the landlord won't accept HB or unemployed people. I owe arrears to the HA due to an argument from 5 years ago, so they won't rehouse me, as I told them I don't owe it, it's a record error, but as usual, I'm not believed - it still stands.
I have no money apart from tax credits which i have to spend on milk, bread etc for me and kids through week. Cannot get job - can't pay upfront for childcare/physically get to childnminder/work if not in walking distance/dd screams if I leave her with anyone.
All i got from DV and WA is "go to a refuge" or a B&B. They said if the police are called again, and they found out I'd stayed in this situation, then my kids could be put into care, as I've placed them in a situation of emotional abuse by being too frightened to go to a refuge. Sorry, but I don't see why I should have to leave everything behind to live in a hovel miles away, and have Social Services on my case anyway. I asked for the scheme at the council where they pay your rent and deposit in a private house, but they won't tell me how long it would take to come through, if they could fasttrack my benefits etc. I don't want to move somewhere to be kicked out a month later for having no money to pay rent. I would have to get CB paid to me (he has it) - that would take a month, I would have to wait a month for IS to be processed. I have no one to help me move furniture/toys/clothes etc. If I leave everything, I will never have the money to replace it, and it's not fair on kids to lose their home, toys, clothes etc. My friend has just kicked her husband out for DV, she's had social services round, but she's a lot more assertive than me - I am too terrified to leave, and I don't know physically how to do it. If he loses his job today, I daren't imagine what will happen when he gets home. I'm supposed to be going to a concert tonight - his mums supposed to be babysitting - he says he's going to tell her not to come, so I can't go - he knows this will hurt me as I've waited 20 years to go to a concert by this band.
I have no one else to babysit, if she comes and I go alone to the concert, I am scared he will say I've abandoned the kids to go out gallivanting and it also means I will have to spend money on train fares and have to walk home in the dark, and round a strange city.
Totally screwed up now, I have until about 3 pm when I will know if he's calmed down, kept his job, and we're going out, or if WW3 is going to kick off.
Anyone reply please with thoughts to make sense of this mess.