Thoughts please...(v. long, sorry)

[ange30]

Don't know where to start. Need to get this off my chest. Can't believe I'm posting, but I've had enough - need support and other perspectives on this. Have 1 DS and 1 DD, pre school age. DP blames me for "ruining his life". He has kicked and punched me but says it's my fault for various reasons. He dragged me along the sofa by my hair when I was PG, threatened to murder me and the kids whilst I was PG as they would be better off not having me as a mother, threatened to crash the car with us all in it to kill me and them, raises his fist to me as he thinks it's funny to see me cower from him. He says he hates me, I'm paid to wash and cook for him, but I'm useless at that. He has been verbally abusive for the last 4 years, puts me down, calls me a slag, accuses me of affairs because I don't want to sleep with him. I don't want to sleep with someone who tells me I'm a useless fat freak, ugly, a slag (not true by the way), screams in my face, tells me I'm a useless mother, sneers that I have no friends, I'm unemployable, etc etc. He says I have ruined his life because earlier this year we had a row, and he shut my ds in the bedroom and said "stay in there, you don't need to see this, I'm going to do your mother in". He tipped the sofa up with me on it, told me to get out of his house, spat at me, threw my clothes up the hall and told me he was taking my kids away from me. I called the police, he was arrested and cautioned. I let him back the next day as I didn't want the kids to have no dad and I was too scared to end it. Also, i was in a village at the time, miles away from anyone, can't drive, no money. Refused help from DV unit, glossed over it. Now DP has been told he must pass a criminal record check to get a licence to do his job. If his company find out about the caution they will sack him for gross misconduct they do it all the time to other people and fire them/don't employ them for bad credit histories etc. I've said they can't do that, he says they can, and it's all my fault for "overreacting and calling police" cos he'll never get a job anywhere again, so he wants me out of his house, leaving my kids behind, as he will be signing on, so he will get custody as I should now go out and get a job to pay my way. He has threatened me numerous times that he will take the kids and get his mother to look after them by saying I'm a druggie and a prostitute - I'm not - I had boyfriends before him but he says I'm a slag for this; MIL will back him up as he controls her too. We have just moved house again to give my kids the chance to be near his family (I don't get on with mine), and to go to a decent school. The house is in his name, I'm only a permitted occupier - he can give me notice to quit; the landlord won't accept HB or unemployed people. I owe arrears to the HA due to an argument from 5 years ago, so they won't rehouse me, as I told them I don't owe it, it's a record error, but as usual, I'm not believed - it still stands.
I have no money apart from tax credits which i have to spend on milk, bread etc for me and kids through week. Cannot get job - can't pay upfront for childcare/physically get to childnminder/work if not in walking distance/dd screams if I leave her with anyone.
All i got from DV and WA is "go to a refuge" or a B&B. They said if the police are called again, and they found out I'd stayed in this situation, then my kids could be put into care, as I've placed them in a situation of emotional abuse by being too frightened to go to a refuge. Sorry, but I don't see why I should have to leave everything behind to live in a hovel miles away, and have Social Services on my case anyway. I asked for the scheme at the council where they pay your rent and deposit in a private house, but they won't tell me how long it would take to come through, if they could fasttrack my benefits etc. I don't want to move somewhere to be kicked out a month later for having no money to pay rent. I would have to get CB paid to me (he has it) - that would take a month, I would have to wait a month for IS to be processed. I have no one to help me move furniture/toys/clothes etc. If I leave everything, I will never have the money to replace it, and it's not fair on kids to lose their home, toys, clothes etc. My friend has just kicked her husband out for DV, she's had social services round, but she's a lot more assertive than me - I am too terrified to leave, and I don't know physically how to do it. If he loses his job today, I daren't imagine what will happen when he gets home. I'm supposed to be going to a concert tonight - his mums supposed to be babysitting - he says he's going to tell her not to come, so I can't go - he knows this will hurt me as I've waited 20 years to go to a concert by this band.
I have no one else to babysit, if she comes and I go alone to the concert, I am scared he will say I've abandoned the kids to go out gallivanting and it also means I will have to spend money on train fares and have to walk home in the dark, and round a strange city.
Totally screwed up now, I have until about 3 pm when I will know if he's calmed down, kept his job, and we're going out, or if WW3 is going to kick off.
Anyone reply please with thoughts to make sense of this mess.

He is horrified that you think he means it!

Whereas the rest of us are horrified that he would say it under any circumstances!

Believe me, Ange, he is not going to like it if you get a job. He is a control freak, he will hate it, and I hope when he does you will realise that we are all telling you the truth.

He says whatever he needs to say to keep you intimidated.

Do you really see a future for yourself and your children, with the man who's done these things to you, and terrified your children along the way?

You have done incredibly well to admit these things, that's the first step, so don't stop the momentum, make plans to keep you & your children safe.

You all deserve better. And he needs help too but not from you, from people who are used to dealing with violent bullying men who control women in this way.

Should have explained better - when he kicked and punched me, that was last year, and that's the only time he's done that. The spitting and abuse and tipping sofa was at Easter when i called the police. I think the police scared him cos he knows he'll go to jail if he does actually touch me - he just needs to realise that we don't have "normal rows" like everyone else as normal people don't come out with the crap that he spouts.

oh ange love, once is enough. In fact it's far too much.

Nothing about this is "normal".

You need to realise that hardly anybody's dh would say such things to them at any time, and just because he is now too scared to say them doesn't make it all right.

If my dh or I as much as tell each other to shut up and we're not joking, we will end up apologising for being so rude. He's physically hurt you and the verbal abuse he's dished out couldn't really be any worse, could it?

Don't you realise you could live without this fear hanging over you?

ange
I can see where you are coming from, because I have been in a similar situation, in some ways.
In our case, we managed to separate gracefully before he actually murdered me. And guess what, we really do get on a lot better when we don't live together. We are going to try a shared custody sort of arrangement where we live close to each other.

What you say rings very true to me, because Ive already been through it. Here are some points, please think about them, wont you:

• I don't think your relationship will get better on its own, because your dh has already had the habit of blaming you for so long.
• You have no obligation to stick to your marriage just for the sake of it, and leaving will not make you a failure. Marriage breaking up is just one of those things that happens in life.
• Can you imagine what it would be like to be married to someone who was easy-going and friendly, and didn't blame you or scare you?
• Now that your children are young, it may seem like the most important thing to have their dad around. But as they grow older, it will become more important to have a positive male role model. If your dh is still behaving like this, your children will need another role model, so that they see that men behave in different ways.

Have you ever called his bluff when he says you have ruined his life, and proposed a divorce? how would he react?
In our case, we sat down and worked out how long it would be before we could afford separate houses, and we never had a dramatic big scene with one of us leaving.

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ange please read my first post again i used to do the same and make excuses for my xp "oh he only done it because....." it was once too much because of that bastard raping me in front of my child heruined the child years of my sons life he didnt talk for six months he was so traumatised. Dont make excuses anymore get you and your children out of there

Ange - I am reloieved that you are ok this morning, I am relieved to hear you have a solicitor you have spoken to.

You seem sure of your position atm. There is a statistic, which I think is that on average, a battered woman endures 37 beatings before she leaves. Also, that a man who does not stop being violent after one incident will must go on and on. Look after yourself, there ill be people here to help you but if he ever does it again, please, please do not stay and keep hoping he will change though the next 30-something incidents. Could you promise yourself that?

Nightynight - we discussed separating and him moving out before, and I think that would be the best option if we have any more incidents. My solicitor said if we split up, I should stay put as it's better for me, and to get him to keep paying for the house and child support, until my IS came through. His mum would back me up on that, as she has told him that he's got to change and he's got to put the kids first, not himself and to stop ranting and raving at me when he gets pissed off.

Just read your posts again ange, and I see that you said he admitted that he shouldnt have behaved like that, which is a step in the right direction that many people cant take.

It could go either way though. Either he changes his behaviour, or else he just ends up resenting you even more, because he's hit you, and that puts him in the wrong.

I honestly think that when men are hitting women it is often because they want the relationship to end, and subconsciously, they are hoping to push the woman to leave, and then she will be responsible for the breakup. Does that make sense?

Its all tied up with the blame thing - if they could take responsibility, and stop blaming the other person.

We have recently had to exclude a child from pre school due to severe violence from him.
He comes from a violent background; his mother is beaten up by dad whenever the dad is drunk or cross. The mother says that she pushed him, or that he won't do it again. Well, he keeps doing it.

That little boy, he is 3, thinks that this is normal. He doesn't see that stabbing another child with a pencil, or holding another child against the wall by the throat, isn't right. It's what he is used to.
Well, he shouldn't be used to it.
He is 3 years old and that is what his life is like.

ange30 - you sound like you are totally in denial, you ahve been through so much. It doesn't matter when your partner has done these things to toyu, the fact that he has done them at all, is enough. It proves he IS violent and WILL do it again.
You should seriously consider leaving still, your children should not be going through this!!
and neither should you, you deserve so much better. He does not sound like a good father, nobody would even say those things unless the thought had crossed their mind. You need help and support.

You said yourself that if he had lost his job it would have been a different story, so you KNOW you are trying to kid yourself. Please, please save the lives of your cildren and yourself. This man is not goign to change.

"MIL will back him up as he controls her too."

You seem to be living two different versions of your life, Ange.

"I owe arrears to the HA due to an argument from 5 years ago, so they won't rehouse me, as I told them I don't owe it, it's a record error, but as usual, I'm not believed -" I honestly think you need to identify who really is against you, and live life in reaction the way it IS, not the way you feel it ought to be. That is the only way you will get your life the way it ought to be.

"Anyone reply please with thoughts to make sense of this mess." PLease spend SOME time looking at this from our perspective - following the crisis of the other day, the only person you have listened to is your P. Though I am pleased that you have stated your boundaries, and taken advice from a solicitor.

I really do hope things work out for you - but things don't happen because someone else magically starts to beahve the way they should - you ahve to be pro-active.

re the HA - I mean don't stick with P just to maintain some old feud with the HA. Whgat is more important - that you have somewhere safe to live or you prove a point to the HA. And who is the real adversary in all this? P.

He has been verbally abusive for the last 4 years

Just be careful. Its very very hard for entrenched patterns of behaviour to change and requires a lot more that even the most heartfelt WISH to change.

Start planning how and where to go if he ever does this again .