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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think of your DH/H doing this?

65 replies

asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:22

Shopping together. Go through one of those annoying self service tills. Its not working right, he is waiting. You are trying to get it to work alongside your crying child. You are waiting for assistance. Suddenly he snatches the bag with a few bits of shopping off you and says very loudly (so everyone can hear) "FFS! sort it out, take it off there and start again! Fucking hell!" and then throws the bag at you so you are fumbling to catch it.

You get outside and ask that he not to speak to you like that and he calls you "a touchy fucker" and says he is not going to fucking apologise to you because he didn't do anything wrong and you expect too much, he is sick of apologising to you.

This is not an unusual occurence btw. Not always at Asda self service tills obviously but quite often though usually at home not in public.

OP posts:
c0nfusticated · 17/08/2011 11:25

Not right at all - it sounds like he has some issues he needs to deal with.

DP gets a bit touchy shopping and can get a bit of a strop on, but nothing like that - if he did that I would walk out and leave him to sort it out himself.

SirSugar · 17/08/2011 11:27

I would tell him to walk the plank for being so fucking rude and not helping

Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:28

Well I said quite loudly but not heatedly, "don't you dare speak to me like that, don't be so rude" and that was his reason for not apologising. He said that I embaressed the family, not him.

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amIbeingdaft · 17/08/2011 11:29

There are many, many decent blokes out there. Just get rid of the twat. He doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. Don't give it any more thought, just get rid.

pozzled · 17/08/2011 11:29

I would be leaving. As a one-off I'd think he was stressed, and would expect an apology. But if it's not unusual, I wouldn't put up with it.

amIbeingdaft · 17/08/2011 11:30

Oh, and for everyone who jumps on me and says it's not that easy when you have a family...this is not a good environment to bring a child up in.

Catsu · 17/08/2011 11:31

He embarrassed himself first of all by standing by while you struggled with the shopping and the baby by yourself and then even more by mouthing off like a twat.
I'd not stand for anyone speaking to me like that. Totally disrespectful

SayItLoud · 17/08/2011 11:31

I would think it is unlikely to be an isolated instance, and I would look at the bigger picture of his behaviour, then decide if there was a problem with him/the relationship/stress/depression or whatever, and deal accordingly - but I would not let someone speak to me like that regularly for sure.

Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:33

Thanks, I just wanted confirmation that it was unreasonable of him as he insisted he did nothing wrong and I am just touchy. This is standard. He does not apologise to me for anything, ever.

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chubsasaurus · 17/08/2011 11:34

If I saw someone speaking to his/her partner like that I'd want to intervene. I wouldn't but I'd want to. That sounds so horrible. Why didn't he help you?

BeerTricksPotter · 17/08/2011 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 17/08/2011 11:36

Perfect example of verbal/emotional abuse right there :( Sorry. I wouldn't show/repeat anything you've heard on this thread to him, either - he's likely to turn it around on you like the conversation you had outside Asda.

Have you looked at the emotionally abusive relationship thread?

Ormirian · 17/08/2011 11:38
Shock

What would I think? I would seriously wonder why I was with him...

Ormirian · 17/08/2011 11:39

"He said that I embaressed the family, not him" You embarrassed the family? Shock

TheMonster · 17/08/2011 11:40

He was embarrassed and needs to deal with it without taking it out on you. Have you spoken to him about it later on, on another day, when he is calm?

Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:41

God, thank you so much for your responses. You have no idea how it helps to just people confirm that I am not the problem as he turns everything round onto me. We had had a good day beforehand its not like we were rowing or he was stressed or anything, it was fine. He then yelled at me about my driving on the way home, this is also a standard thing.

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GypsyMoth · 17/08/2011 11:42

Does he usually swear that much with your child in hearing?

peacemoon · 17/08/2011 11:42

So sorry to say but that is not right and you shouldn't have to put up with that.It would be ok if a one off and he apologised but it appears it is becoming a habit and it needs to be addressed now before it goes any further.

Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:43

Yes ME for talking loudly and firmly to him and telling him NOT to speak to me like that.

I tried to speak to him later as well and he told me I was a touchy fucker again just like my Mum and Dad, who are actually, though better than they used to be. I personally don't think I am if anything I have problems enforcing boundaries. Hence putting up with this shite for so long.

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Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:45

No not usually too much swearing but he does say things like "keep quiet, you" if I say something he doesn't like and he had done that a couple of times in front of the kids.

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HamstersDontSwim · 17/08/2011 11:46

You poor thing Sad

You do not deserve to treated like that.

Please remember that just because he wont say hes wrong/sorry, dosnt mean that hes right to behave that way to you.

You have a voice in your head telling you that its wrong. Listen to that voice.

BertieBotts · 17/08/2011 11:51

He is following a script, asda. Please have a look at the emotional abuse thread, or order the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft (if you have chance to read it without him seeing) - once you can see how utterly predictable his behaviour patterns really are, you can start seeing through them, and that makes you stronger.

Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:56

I have looked over there before and recognise a lot of stuff. The only thing that makes me think I don't belong there is he is not nasty to the kids and that seems to be the mainstay of these men doesn't it, they are like it with the whole family but tbh he only seems to do it with me. In fact he goes out of his way to speak to the kids like they are made of gold and then will turn round and talk to me like I am nothing. Sometimes it seems like a pre mediated thing.

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woopsidaisy · 17/08/2011 11:56

asdaembarrassment-I can tell you what I would have done. Burst out crying! It is absolutely not normal or acceptable for your DH to talk to you like this. In public or at home.
And people who never apologise are pathetic IMO. It is certainly not something to be proud of!
He sounds horrible...sorry.
And I am sure nobody was looking at you thinking he was right,they were feeling sorry for you.
Are you really happy with him?

Original poster
asdaembarassment · 17/08/2011 11:58

No, I am not happy with him but I put up with it because of the dc and because I am a SAHM with no earning power whatsoever as I have been out of work for 10 years and have no qualifications. My jobs before marriage were all admin/secretarial things so no profession unfortunately.

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