What would you think of your DH/H doing this?

[asdaembarassment]

Shopping together. Go through one of those annoying self service tills. Its not working right, he is waiting. You are trying to get it to work alongside your crying child. You are waiting for assistance. Suddenly he snatches the bag with a few bits of shopping off you and says very loudly (so everyone can hear) "FFS! sort it out, take it off there and start again! Fucking hell!" and then throws the bag at you so you are fumbling to catch it.

You get outside and ask that he not to speak to you like that and he calls you "a touchy fucker" and says he is not going to fucking apologise to you because he didn't do anything wrong and you expect too much, he is sick of apologising to you.

This is not an unusual occurence btw. Not always at Asda self service tills obviously but quite often though usually at home not in public.

But asda, it is because of the DC that this situation needs to be addressed.
He is teaching them this behaviour.
I'm pretty sure that this behaviour must be upsetting for them.
Does he ever speak to them like that?

No, never. It is only really me, although I think there was an incident at work where he was warned about how he talks to one of the directors (a woman) there.

Not all abusers are the same - my XP for example although he used to moan about "having to" do all the housework, he would do about half of it (which was mainly because I didn't do it) - whereas other abusive partners will refuse to do anything. In fact, the fact he's behaving like this towards you but not your children is concrete proof that he can control himself - he just chooses not to when you are concerned.

If the children are very young (you said one was screaming at the checkout so assuming here), it may also be that he is happy with them at the moment because they have true unconditional love for him, as their father, and they most likely do jump to (almost) his every whim. As they get older and more defiant, start to have minds of their own etc, he may start using the same control techniques on them too.

Hmm, interesting about the director at work. Are DCs boys or girls? You don't have to say.

H does no housework whatsoever, not a bloody thing, not bad with childcare though, although that is fairly recent. He says it is normal for men to do nothing if they work all day. My youngest is 4 and she was having a bit of a tantrum at the checkout, nothing major though. He did nothing for them when they were babies, in fact life didn't change one bit for H when they were babies, never got up, never took them out alone, nothing. They are easier now so he does stuff with them.

I will to over to that thread Bertie. Thanks.

One boy, one girl.

Once your youngest starts school, get yourself looking for a job, any job.. part time clerical or admin. Start making the steps now to regaining your independence and freedom, because you dont need to put up with a tosser like this.

You do not deserve to be spoken to in the way he speaks to you. It shows a complete lack of respect for you by him.

You DO have earning power and you CAN do it! :)

I am not saying you should leave him (even if I am thinking it... ) but you need to build up your own self confidence and not let him treat you this way.

I would be very unhappy as he appears to have no respect for you.
This could well be that he equates earning power with respect, or maybe he has other twattish thought processes.
However if his plan is to continue to undermine you in front of the DCs then sooner or later you will have real problems, as they will pick up and copy this behaviour. There is no way I wolud want to be the butt of "humour" and disrepectful remarks from them as well as him when they are old.
You seem to be merely convenient to him, rather than a respected partner.

I think you should read the other boards. It may take you a while to get to grips with all this, and you may feel powerless to make it change, but do do need to start taking steps for change.

To be honest, we have split up before, quite a few times and this really was the last role of the dice.

My problem is that I have no awareness of what my boundaries should be. So when he does stuff like this and I complain, he browbeats me into believing that i started it, I am touchy, I was like that at the beginning so dont blame him if he is like that now, I am like my parents (who can be difficult) and so on. So I am never, ever sure whether I made this happen to me and I feel paralysed by that.

THere is still no excuse for him to treat you like this.
Of course he will make out it's your fault.
But if you are unhappy then it doesn't matter how it started - you are supposed to be able to grow as a couple and have mutual respect.
Sounds to me like he just thinks he can carry on and you have to walk on eggshells.

I would be standing up to him, telling him not to be so horrible and trying to sort it out so he knows it's unaceptable. If that failed and the behaviour continued I would be reasessing if I could carry on living with him.

So what was he doing while you were trying to juggle shopping and a child? Shouldn't he have gently taken the child off you and dealt with it while you got on with sorting the till? Yes, he should. Or taken over with the shopping while you consoled the child. That's called partnership.

"You're just like [insert family member whose behaviour you don't agree with here]" is a standard abusive line too btw!

You know what, I grew up with a father like that. Yes he played with us when we were very young because I suppose we were adoring to him etc but when we got older he used the same techniques of control and power over us as my mother. In fact it broke my brother who he was very hard on. I don't think its a suitable environment for any child so do seriously think about how you can ensure change happens (either by him getting help or by you leaving).

If I were you I would start planning my firm and final exit now. I would start putting a few pounds aside here or there. One good way of doing it will be to take a cash back when your shopping so it doesn't look like a withdraw and then blame groucery prices going up. Throw away receipts as they have the withdraw on it and it wont be noticed. Also put aside any loose change and other bits of cash you can get hold of.

Can you get childcare help from your parents? Maybe with one or two days of childcare a day you could take some hours? I know its hard when you have two children and they're young but you should try to earn your own money. Being appreciated outside the home may also be a key boost for your confidence - helping you to get out of the 'submissive' mindset. Can your parents help you in other ways if you tell them you are planning to leave? Like store important documents for you and be an address for you for a new bank account or similar? That way you can keep things out of danger of your dh finding out. On the other thread which was mentioned you'll get a lot of good practical advice as well as emotional support.

Your better than he is - never doubt it.

My ex used to tell me I was oversensitive. Constantly. It was a revelation when I realised he was not behaving normally and I was not oversensitive. He is an abusive wanker.

I (funnily enough) had similar-ish incidences in asda. His behaviour is not normal. You deserve more. Don't say because of money, I know it's scary but you will manage. Please start looking at the practicalities of leaving if you can?

Why didn't he just take the child and say to you, "We'll be over by the toys"?

You know he's awful. If you were at work you'd have a lot of friends who would tell you not to put up with that crap. The problem is that because you are at home you haven't got that emotional back up.

I would get rid of him. Surely your life will be easier. Your children may end up like him if you stay - isn't that a big enough incentive?

Get rid of him and either go back to college to update your skills or try to find a job (eg in Asda) where you have the chance of working up the ranks.

He's a deadweight on your family and you need to push him off.

It's not normal or acceptable to be spoken to like that at home or in public, nor be told 'shut up you' etc in front of the kids. You are not being over-sensitive, you're being treated badly.

I am already doing an OU degree, early days though. And I have looked into a course that would update the skills that I did have before. I have legal secretarial experience though from ages ago and the course would build on that.

"Why didn't he just take the child and say to you, "We'll be over by the toys"?"

He said his blood was boiling and he couldn't help but be like that and I have spoken to him like that in the past. I probably have been impatient before but not recently seeing as he was unable to name a time in the past 8 years that I have done so.

Do the update course, Start taking control of your own life back.

what would I think ?

I would be thinking that I was married to an absolute cunt who needed to cut me down to feel better about himself.

So much to pick up on here it's not even worth it.

He's a complete twat. That will suffice.

'Keep quiet, you' - ?! WTF???!!!

If you do one thing, promise me that the next time he says that you will calmly and quickly leave the room, leave the house, get on a bus, train, whatever, just leave, and let the bastard ponder where on earth you might have gone, for at least, oh I dunno, how about forever???

How awful! Why do people talk to their partners like this? In public or private. I agree with woopsadaisy - I would have burst into tears.... would NEVER expect to be spoken to like that by a partner and would not stick around for a second occurrence!

Self service tills are so obviously a design of the devil himself I would cut your dh some slack if he isn;t normally like this!

Words would be had if my dh spoke to me like that.

Thought you said it wasnt usual sorry
not that it wasn't unusual

You poor thing. He sounds like a prize cock. I would have been utterly flabberghasted, incensed with rage and tearful all at once had I been on the receiving end of that. Absolutely horrible. As for "Keep quiet, you" - that makes me feel dreadfully uncomfortable, what a horrible way to speak to your partner. He doesn't really see you as a partner though, does he? :(