What would you think of your DH/H doing this?

[asdaembarassment]

Shopping together. Go through one of those annoying self service tills. Its not working right, he is waiting. You are trying to get it to work alongside your crying child. You are waiting for assistance. Suddenly he snatches the bag with a few bits of shopping off you and says very loudly (so everyone can hear) "FFS! sort it out, take it off there and start again! Fucking hell!" and then throws the bag at you so you are fumbling to catch it.

You get outside and ask that he not to speak to you like that and he calls you "a touchy fucker" and says he is not going to fucking apologise to you because he didn't do anything wrong and you expect too much, he is sick of apologising to you.

This is not an unusual occurence btw. Not always at Asda self service tills obviously but quite often though usually at home not in public.

He's a jerk. Grade A Jerk.
He was bitching about your driving? Does he drive?
I'd go places by myself. Leave Jerko at home.

My ex started to do that to me - case in point, he is my "EX"!

It's time to start preparing to leave,isn't it? He's not a good man, and he's not a good father to the kids. I suggest you start looking at the Going Back ToWork threads and plan how you could preparefor work and look after the children as a single parent.

My problem is that I have no awareness of what my boundaries should be

Think about boundarys as a sort of measuring stick , accept that yours is temporarily broken due to being abused , so borrow someone elses . Replace you in that scenario with your dd , would that be ok ? Swap your H for a freind shouting at you like that , is there any circumstances where that would be ok ? Know, more than anything else , that your H does not have special rights to abuse you because your married . You wouldnt have accepted that sort of vile shit from a stranger and you shouldnt accept it from him .

Abusers all say the same things , your too sensitive , you made me do it , your just like so and so , they say anything they can to shut you up and deflect blame . Another thing , while he may not abuse the kids directly , research suggests that the effects of kids witnessing this sort of abuse is devastating , and it impacs them in just the same way as though it was happening to them . Hes a shit dad .

Has he ever hit you op ? Or charged at you or stopped you leaving the room ? I am rather concerned at this public display at agression , they normally keep this indoors where no one can see .

You dont deserve this , its not your fault , and its definateley not ok .

Yes he has physically restrained me and held me down. I am going to end this once and for all. It has been up and down for a long, long time and I have wanted to finish things for once and all for quite a few years now.

I would go for anyone who spoke to or treated my dd like this. It makes me feel quite sick to think of that.

Hi asda,

When he speaks like this to you it is abuse. Get this clear in your mind. It is not your fault. You did not "make" him do this. It is verbal (and emotional) abuse.

Get the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also (this one, imho, is better for cases where there is no violence or threat of violence) "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship"...by Patricia Evans. Don't let him see you reading them. And get over to the EA thread.

I know how you feel. I also thought 10 years ago that it was better to stay for the sake of the children.

I didn't have mumsnet then and I was too ashamed to tell anyone how he spoke to me. I didn't know about VA and EA. I thought it was me...if only I hadn't asked that question, if only I could make him understand what I mean.....if only I'd seen that he was stressed....bla bla bla.

I'm still here and sometimes I feel so sad that I chose such a terrible father for my beautiful, innocent, loving children.

He sounds horrible. No it isn't normal, although I did have a (vile) boyfriend who spoke to me like that. I think if he won't stop then you should give him the old heave ho,frankly.

ahh, just seen that there's physical force too.

Yep, there is really only one way to go from here. Take care.

Just to let you put this in a bit of perspective. My DP did this once at tesco self-service check out on my BIRTHDAY when I was really ILL. Went o "fuck it you do it" and stormed out in a huff and left me to deal with it. I had a nasty urine infection.
He is lovely. And has never been "abusive" in anyway. But those self service things are evil fuckers. We now have a pact to never ever use them in eachothers presence! It's worked fine.
Just a thought.
The other stuff sounds wank though...

Once on MY birthday while with him, I got no presents, no cards, nothing, not even from the dc. So that night I suggested a chinese and asked if he would go. He said no, couldnt be arsed etc. However he went to the off licence (which was about 5 minutes less walk away) and bought himself some beers and for me, wait for it...........a packet of ramen noodles. So I got a chinese after all. He really is a prize prick isn't he?

I have read a great many threads over the last year or two.

This one really disturbs me.

If ever there was a thread that screams 'Abuse', this is it. No one, I repeat, no one, should be treated like you are.

If he has 'restrained' you once, he will do it again. You know, may be 'a bit of a slap' to let you know who is in charge, or something. This relationship is only going one way, Asda. I think you know what that is.

Take care. There are some nice blokes around, honest.
Betty X

Just take care asda,

Play good dog while you're laying your plans quietly. Don't let him know, and don't let him see the books.

He has restrained you...this means if he feels his control slipping, he may well get worse.

If you proceed with divorce I think he will have a hard time at councelling (which is compulsory now isn't it?) trying to justify his behaviour, all the things he calls you, degrading and humiliating you, not offering any help with the children apart from what is easy for him and never ever apologising to you! Oh and telling you to keep quiet because "obviously" you are the only one that should listen. And shouting/swearing in front of the children.

Basically everything will be on your side and he will have nothing to argue for his case in front of professionals (let's be realistic, he knows it's wrong) and that will definetely make you stronger

Let me tell you one last thing. I come from a very conservative society where the man's role is the main bread winner and the woman's at home. But even my husband, my father and my father-in-law will help me/mother/mother-in-law with housework and children when they think we are under pressure because they think every decent man should! My father-in-law in a wonderful man and has helped me so many times when my husband has been at work with the children so I can cook a meal etc! Especially when they were babies. And these are his grandchildren! So how can a man from a liberal society that values equality so much treat you like that?? That's not normal :(

Asda, you've said a few times that your parents can be difficult, or a bit touchy, too.

Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells growing up? Like everything you said was wrong, or you had to manage their moods?

And when you met him and you told him this, did he seem like a breath of fresh air, someone who understood and would protect you from that?

Yes, tortoise very much so. Not so much my Dad but my Mum was very, very difficult and often physically abusive as well. I have enough awareness to know this is why my boundaries are shot. When I met him he seemed very shocked by how my parents behaved but now I wish I had never told him anything about them because he uses it against me all the time to justify his behaviour towards me. He once even said to me that he was not surprised my Mum used to hit me when I was a kid as I was so annoying.

My stomach is churning today because I know I am going to end it once and for all. The good thing is we don't actually live together at the moment, he lives a couple of streets away, though is here a lot.

My solicitor who dealt with another unrelated matter from me has recommended me a Family Law Specialist who I am seeing next week.