Unsupportive partner new ds 3 weeks old

[vimtolover]

my partner is really stressing me out and I felt like walking out tonight. I am now downstairs on the setee with ds 3 weeks old in his Moses basket. He has had to do all the practical jobs for the last 4 weeks as I was so heavily pregnant and then had an emergency c section so I am still recovering. Keep in mind I used to do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning plus work full time before the birth. he already has 2 sons from his ex, and we have them half the time except I asked for some time at home without them while I got into a pattern, however he has seemed totally obsessive Bout them more since the birth and I am feeling really annoyed as I could do with him thinking a bit more about us. He is even talking about taking time off work next week to go camping with them, to which I thought ....thanks a lot!
Tonight we took ds to the doctors S I have been up all night for the last few due to him having colic or lactose intolerance. The doctor prescribed some drops to Add to breast milk, bit diddly as I have to express onto a spoon a d mix drops before each feed. Do was already really funny with me. He seems to resent me breastfeeding, says I am making the baby clingy, I think it's him trying to get back at me because I find his eldest son of 14 totally clingy and whenever he is here none of us can get any time as he sticks to his dad and gets upset if he doesnt have all the attention. I find him immature compared to other children of the same age and I find be irritates me as he is really competitive with everyone and everything and takes all his dads Ttention, hence I dread him stYing, especially now as I need the support. Dp seems to be a bit rough with my new ds and seems to be being funny with me. Tonight be screamed at me that our relationship was shit. I am so exhausted T the mo anyway, I feel vulnerable and I dint want his other kids here comparing stuff that they then go and tell his ex. I think I want to end it as I can't believe he can be so awful so soon and also when he knows how tired I am. I never wake him at all, I've been doing it all myself in order to keep him okay fir work. I just feel rubbish. A

OH honey sounds a really terrible situation for you, is there any family you can go and stay with to get some rest?

Sorry, but I think you are being quite harsh about his children. They must be feeling pushed out already now. Your child is their sibling too.

I really do understand that you must be feeling emotional, and knackered, but I also think that your attitude towards your husbands other children is possibly what is causing the problem here.

He shouldnt be going camping with them so soon after you have given birth, but equally I think you are being very unfair in asking for them not to be in what is their fathers home just because you have given birth.

That's crap. OP just asked for some space. That's fair enough. She's just had a baby!

Sounds like your DP is being a useless dickhead. If you can get any other help take it and focus on yourself and your new baby and if he doesn't come round and start to pull his weight, really think about whether you want him around.

It's understandable that you want some space having just given birth but if your partners children lived with you or were also your biological children, you wouldn't have a choice about not seeing them. They would be there all the time! How do people manage who are having their 2nd/3rd baby? You can't just pack the others off somewhere.

However, you have just had a baby and cs and are understandably exhausted. Everything seems like a huge deal through your sleep deprivation. I know you said you are trying to do everything yourself for the baby but it's his baby too - make him step up to the mark and help with some of the night time stuff so you can get a bit more rest.

Thanks for the responses, I didn't say the kids couldn't come here at all, I just can't prepare meals etc... Plus I need some support from dp and as the older child is so demanding I can't get that when he is here. They do have a mother too and i didn't mean forever just so i could recover. If the teenage kids were mine they would be more in my rhythm and it wouldn't be an issue but they are not and it's hard to explain how it's difficult.
Dp seems over critical about breast feeding without experience and he seems to be trying to teach me lessons about this ad that all the time he is making me miserable. I don't know if I can continue, at all as his kids are causing me stress and it's all he seems bothered about. I am not sure I can do it. I just needed his support now and I am not getting it, not in the way I need it. I do loads for the kids, more than his ex does so I am not being horrible.

Do you have any family you could stay with while you get back on your feet? You sound absolutely exhausted.

Of course you can't prepare meals. If your husband is home when his children are there, then of course he should do that. They are old enough to cook simple things themselves.

Of course (again) he shouldn't take them camping next week. He should have done that well before the baby was born. Next year, yes. This year you are recovering from a major operation and he should be there to help you.

You said he's being a bit rough with the baby, what did you mean?

I wouldn't get into an argument with him about breastfeeding just now - your hormones are all over the shop. Tell him you want to breastfeed and will discuss later - newborns need a lot of feeding in the early days which is easy to forget once kids are older.

Can you get a load of ready meals in for now? Plus soups, dsandwiches etc while you recover physically? Also try keeping your baby with you more (ie cuddle) as they tend to get unsettled very easily if you try and put them down.

Do you have family you can stay with while he goes camping? I'd say let him go but make it clear your feelings on the matter.

Of course you are upset with him, I would kick him out too! and you have just had your first child. Of course you dont want the other children around, you want to get rest! If I was you contact your parents and ask if you can stay there for a while. The man sounds like a total dickhead. You have had a c-section aswell - get out of there you are clearly not getting enough support. And tell your parents/ family relative what is happening so you can off load. You are going through a difficult time, your hormones are all over the place, you are tired and your body is recovering. You shouldnt be doing much but caring for your new baby

Your dp needs a good kick up the arse, i went through something similar. It still affects my relationship with him to this day. Dont know how long you have known him but you certainly now know him a bit better. He sounds very selfish and self centred with little knowledge about women go through. He needs a good sharp shock. Pack your bags for a short stay with a relative and dont even tell him you are going. He clearly has no clue.

Hi, IME this 1 month after the birth is a pretty horrendous time and it does get better! Its not helped by all the stupid pictures on the brochures the midwife gives you of happy families just cuddling and beaming at each other - no arguments, washing up or step-children in sight! You are obviously fed-up so i suggest a few things that helped me:

1, get your iron levels checked if you have low iron from the birth you'll be so tired you will feel like you can't cope and won't see things clearly.

2, don't say anything to DP or steps that you can't take back - you'll all get over this period and then you'll be glad you didn't go too far.

3, My DH did take his two away for a long weekend when DS was 4 weeks old. Why not suggest he takes the boys for a weekend away? Just make sure he does a massive supermarket shop for you beforehand. I really enjoyed the time alone with DS and it was easier in that I didnt have to coordinate meal times or do anything I didn't feel like doing.

4, I told DH to p* off quite a lot about BFing at first but he grew to love and respect it, yours will too I'm sure. If his boys were formula fed (like my DSCs) it could be quite challenging for him. Maybe the HV can have a word?

5, why not go and stay at your mums for a week or have her stay at yours?

6, Focus on your stepsons being DS's brothers - you'll find a lot more love and patience in your heart when you think like that. Also when DS is older and they play with him and he loves them its so lovely and makes you feel really good.

Good luck - it will get better.

Thanks again for the latest replies, it helps just to hear that you think I am right. By the way, his kids only live ten minutes away, so they did pop round quite a few days when I got out of hospital too. Did I mention that the arguments started before my due date as his ex booked to go away on holiday the week I was due and I didn't feel I wanted the kids here then either because it's my first baby, I didn't know what to expect, and...I didn't really want to have to alert her family the minute I went into labour, I wanted some privacy. The kids ended up with their uncle but it made dp think about them even more just when I needed his attention. We took the kids away last year, we do loads with them, if there is anything needed for the kids, books, reading, homework, packed lunched, I do it, not their mother so I don't agree with the earlier post saying that the kids must feel left out. The fourteen year old might do a bit, but he does even if you compliment his younger brother, hence my comment about the clinginess which is why I would prefer them not to stay while I get into a routine because they take all dps attention and time and I need help. Not that I am getting it, and now he is being a twit. I just don't know what to do, I feel very let down. I know he has done all the shopping, cooking, ironing netc.... Since the birth but I usually do it all while working full time , I find it amazing how men make it like they are doing something that we do all the time anyway.
dp thinks he is right all the time, and he does what he wants irrespective of what I ask, say, just don't think I can live like this. If having a new baby didn't make him put me first for once, nothing ever will.

I mentioned dp being a dick and saying that I cuddle the baby too much (which I don't) I've actually been praying for him to sleep so that I could so I kept putting him in his Moses basket, but breast feeding means that you do have them close to you slot. But it's interesting to hear that I am not doing that wrong, he is only 3 weeks old after all.
Ds has had a problem with lactose intolerance and after seeing the doctor has given him Colief, which is amazing And baby slept through apart from one feed last night, which I was so grateful for. The stuff is magic, I think the midwives should mention it to everyone, Infacol is rubbish in comparison and makes the baby sick after a while too.

Is there anywhere you can go to stay for a few days? Your mum's or something? It sounds like you really need some headspace.

"dp thinks he is right all the time, and he does what he wants irrespective of what I ask, say, just don't think I can live like this. If having a new baby didn't make him put me first for once, nothing ever will." - if he really is as you say here, then no, I don't suppose anything will :( Reading between the lines of your posts, there are quite a few red flags here. Is it quite a new relationship? Only it sounds like you don't really consider your stepchildren as part of your family.

Did your partner have kids from a previous relationship? I think I try rea
Ly hard but I think there is a co dependent relationship between dp and the kids, well the eldest kid. Because the relationship with his ex was non existent he focused all his attention on the kids. The eldest son now is really difficult and moody, very young for his age, and just follows his dad around everywhere, even when I was in my bedroom the other night you turn around and he is there, it gets really annoying. Plus the kids touch the baby too much and stand over him. I don't like it.or am I being too protective of my newborn?

Vimto - really, I would get those iron levels checked and talk to the HV. What you have described in terms of what your partner is doing is a lot more than the typical unsupportive partner thread I usually read here. Your DP is doing (quite rightly as you had a CS) a lot of the domestic work. You seem to not realise the 'good' in that, and even make that a bit negative.

If I interpret your posts correctly, it sounds as if it is the emotional support that you feel you need. I think you need to seek this support also from your family and friends as well as your DP. I think you are also focussing a lot on the negative aspects of the boys when they could actually be quite helpful to you with little jobs and the baby. Also it would be helpful to seriously think about what you expected to happen as a new mother with existing stepsons and also your reasons for your expectations - maybe you have a sister or a friend who seemed to get a lot more support than you? Its clear that you feel robbed of something that you expected and until you come to terms with that you will feel angry. Please try to speak to your HV and tell her how you feel so she can help you to stop feeling any worse.

"Plus the kids touch the baby too much and stand over him. I don't like it"

Okay, I really worry that you are feeling quite stressed and maybe a little depressed. Its normal to feel protective of your baby but they are his brothers and you have to let them do stuff as if they were full siblings. Believe me, not easy when you have a 7yr old DSD dragging a 7 month old round a wendy house! But they must bond properly. Your HV can access counselling for you - I'm not judging you - you can get past these feelings.

vimtolover, can you say exactly what you mean when you say dp is being "a bit rough" with the baby? That sounds very worrying.

The boys are 12 and 14 but the 14 year old is quite young in his head and does things like holding DVDs over babies head, which I told him not to and then he balanced it on the edge of the Moses basket so I had to tell him to remove it and tell him off a bit. Which made me look bad. But I couldn't leave it as he had just instantly done what I asked him not to do. I sense some jealousy from the 14 year old and so I don't feel comfortable with him around the baby. I am not seeing my health visitor until 30 th of this month so will try and cope until then.

I am also having a nightly injection as I had a general anaesthetic but as wasn't talking to dp last night I didn't have it. I slept on the sofa last night and dp came in with an attitude this morning asking if I wanted my injection, no apology or anything, just an attitude. I don't want him to come home from work to be honest and I want him to take the boys away for as long as he wants, I am happier on my own.

He just changes his nappy really quickly, and sometimes ds doesn't like it, but in the first 2 weeks he did say he felt irritated at the baby and that really stressed me out.

Get an appointment sooner - I don't know how it works in the UK but get to your GP if you can't get the HV. If the atmosphere in your house has degenerated to the point where you are not taking your medicine correctly then its serious.

I wouldn't worry about the fast nappy change thing - he's had two babies previously and has more confidence. He knows how tough they are! Men also don't have all the oxytocin and hormones that stop the mother feeling irritated with the baby. Even the soppiest, most caring man (hippy, nurse, loves kids) I know says that he gets irritated with his newborns because you are so tired and they are so demanding.

I really feel for you Vimto - I so know the feeling when you are just drowning and you feel like your DH has turned into some sort of grumpy nightmare and you can't imagine why you got together! Of course, I don't live in your house, but it sounds like this is not an unfixable situation and is actually pretty common.

I do consider them as part of the family but I find they are a bit spoilt and I have different standards about stuff so it's difficult at times. Dp is really obsessed with them which is nice in one way but not at times like this when I need him to put me first. I dint think I get on with the eldest although I am nice and do lots of thoughtful things. I find him really manipulative and dp falls for it. Plus he talks about himself as a baby all the time which makes me think Dps ex is stirring stuff behind the scenes. My house is a lot smaller than the old family Home where they still live and. Dp pays for. I pay fir most stuff here Part from when my maternity leave stops then dp will have to. I get claustrophobic when they are here fir long periods. His ex has lots of holidays on her own. We always take the kids. She never has. I just get annoyed.

Thank you so much for your support and reassurance.

No problem!

Sounds like there is quite a few issues going on here but I think the key is to just deal with the most important stuff now - e.g. your fitness, the baby, the relationship between DP and you and the boys and just let the other issues just slide until things level out.
One thing I have found helpful with regard to babies and older DCs is to direct the play, show them what they can do rather than what they can't. So "Big DSS you can tickle baby's feet while he lies on a blanket on the floor" rather than waiting for him to decide to entertain him by waving a DVD at him. Discuss DSS's babyhood, get him to bring some photos and ask him questions, then maybe he'll get it out of his system and start being a bit more mature. Its a big adjustment for everyone and DCs don't always show it in ways you expect. My DSD started wanting me to wipe her bottom (age 7), I didn't do it but I tried to be nice about it and she stopped asking.

Hmm well thank the lord, SSS is not asking for his bum wiping at 14. Not
Literally anyway. I think because this is my first baby I feel like dp doesn't doesn't feel like I do as it's his 3rd. And I want time and space to enjoy these first few weeks which as per, SSS the eldest has made it all aout him and dp is only too aware and always jumps to his side. It's not a very good feeling for me. I think may have made a huge mistake. I don't think I am adjusting to being a step mom because the kids mother gets them to spy And I feel like that when they are here. I prefer it on my own.