Unsupportive partner new ds 3 weeks old

[vimtolover]

my partner is really stressing me out and I felt like walking out tonight. I am now downstairs on the setee with ds 3 weeks old in his Moses basket. He has had to do all the practical jobs for the last 4 weeks as I was so heavily pregnant and then had an emergency c section so I am still recovering. Keep in mind I used to do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning plus work full time before the birth. he already has 2 sons from his ex, and we have them half the time except I asked for some time at home without them while I got into a pattern, however he has seemed totally obsessive Bout them more since the birth and I am feeling really annoyed as I could do with him thinking a bit more about us. He is even talking about taking time off work next week to go camping with them, to which I thought ....thanks a lot!
Tonight we took ds to the doctors S I have been up all night for the last few due to him having colic or lactose intolerance. The doctor prescribed some drops to Add to breast milk, bit diddly as I have to express onto a spoon a d mix drops before each feed. Do was already really funny with me. He seems to resent me breastfeeding, says I am making the baby clingy, I think it's him trying to get back at me because I find his eldest son of 14 totally clingy and whenever he is here none of us can get any time as he sticks to his dad and gets upset if he doesnt have all the attention. I find him immature compared to other children of the same age and I find be irritates me as he is really competitive with everyone and everything and takes all his dads Ttention, hence I dread him stYing, especially now as I need the support. Dp seems to be a bit rough with my new ds and seems to be being funny with me. Tonight be screamed at me that our relationship was shit. I am so exhausted T the mo anyway, I feel vulnerable and I dint want his other kids here comparing stuff that they then go and tell his ex. I think I want to end it as I can't believe he can be so awful so soon and also when he knows how tired I am. I never wake him at all, I've been doing it all myself in order to keep him okay fir work. I just feel rubbish. A

He's treating you like shit.

He sounds like an absolute knob. If anyone is going to sleep on the sofa it shouldn't be you. Look, I don't want to sound alarmist but this nightmare situation could be a recipe for PND - is there anyone you can turn to? You don't mention your family so I'm guessing they either don't exist or aren't in a position to help, so HV (yes, I know about the holiday but isn't there anyone covering her job?), GP, Midwife?

Just a suggestion, can you rearrange the living spaces so that computer and games consoles are downstairs for a while and you make your bedroom into a cosy little nest for you to rest and bf? That way you could relax a bit more and not be on tap to make meals etc if that is also being expected of you.

Oh, and keep hold of that ipad! Of course your SSs need to spend time with their dad (for what it's worth I think they are quite old enough to understand that their father's priorities need to be adjusted for a little while but that's another can of worms) but they don't have to have access to every item in the house especially if they don't treat it with respect.

Good luck.

You are having a hard time with a newborn, nothing new there.
Your partner is seeing his new son and it is reminding him of when his ds's were newborn and the hopes he had for their futures
your dp is maybe feeling another ds is a lot for older ds's to cope with, which it will be. They have seen a marriage break up and then dad gets a new gf and son. It will be hard for them and he is being a good dad to them by wanting to keep routines. unfortunately you are losing out on that closeness and support you need.

You feel he should be more attentive as it is your first child but it isn't his and in some ways he will be thinking done that once, leave her to it while i sort the elder ds's. That is what my dp did when i had dc3 and then dc4. Maybe the difference iswe have been tohether 16 years and all 4 dc's are his so i am more sure of his actions. You don't say how long you have been together but i am betting it isn't very long and you are insecure. If so tell him.

Tell him as well that you and baby need your room and give a bedtime for the other ds's so you know that after 9.30pm it will be quiet up there and you can have some rest

Debs, I disagree. Firstly it matters not one jot that his new son is making him feel sad at what he missed out on with the other two. He needs to put those feelings to one side and concentrate on the here and now otherwise he's in danger of repeating the situation this time around.

Secondly, the older boys are 12 and 14yrs not 4 and 6yrs. Of course they shouldn't be neglected but they are perfectly old enough to be told and to realise that their father's priorities need to shift a little temporarily. I'm about to have no4 and my 7.5yr old understands this. It's not about pushing the older ones out in favour of the newborn, it's about older children realising that a newborn and a new mum need space and quiet and a bit more attention.

The way your DP is treating you is a disgrace! No other word for it! How dare he allow you to sleep on the sofa when you have recently had surgery and are caring for a newborn. I haven't heard anything so appalling in quite a while. He needs to sort himself out sharpish and you need to stop allowing him to treat you like dirt otherwise, I'm afraid it will only get worse. I really hope you can get some help and support.

We have been together for 4 years so it's not new for anyone including his ds's.

I really don't understand him, there seems to be a little obsessive behaviour with the other ds's. There always has been a bit of tension between us because of that subject but I really did think he would adapt to a new baby. There is some truth in that he appears to be trying to mKe up to the other sons instead of focusing on the new born. I challenged this but he said he is too busy doing all the jobs etc...

vimto, you said 'because his relationship (with his ex) was non-existent, he focussed all his attention on his kids'

What if you have been given the wrong impression here, what if his relationship failed and was non-existent BECAUSE of his focussing all his attention on his kids?

He certainly seems to be struggling as a father/partner in general here, and reverting to what he knows?

I'm sorry to say that the old adage, 'People don't change' holds true, you went into this knowing it was flawed and hoping he would change, men like this very, VERY rarely do, and he has serious amounts of previous form. It's OK, not judging you, we have all done it, our eternal hope in characters like this is what has kept the human race going

You need to take a firm approach to this, if you allow him to carry on, it'll only get worse and ultimately fail anyway. If you do nothing you will pretty much condemn yourself to a lonely and single-parent style life within a relationship, being over-ruled by 3 stroppy teens (including your DP here). DP's never going to suddenly wake up one day and resolve to be a great P/Dad to your DS, unless he is kind of given no other option.

If you take a strong approach now, it can either remedy the situation or bring it to a natural head. At least if you stand up for yourself, whatever happens, you'll be fighting for your DS, your own self esteem and place in life.

why the fuck are you sleeping on the sofa after just giving birth/surgery? Don't tell me his son takes your bed?

I am so on your behalf.

He is a total asshole.

I'm trying NOT to get too tbh... and failing miserably.

You shouldn't be sleeping on the sofa, if you fell out and couldn't share the bed he should have been on the sofa.

I think now the baby is here you need to set rules between you.

The older children should stay out of your bedroom if your not comftable feeding infront of them (i wouldn't be) them you need your own space you can relax in.

Your dp seems to be going out of his way to show they come first and you should all be on the same level. I said earlier that they should have the same relationship with their father as they did before, which i still stand by but i think your dp is making things very difficult.

If they gave you a little more space and were respectful of you i think you would find things alot easier.

Do you have friends and family close to you ?

Hi - I've just read your post and could have written it myself! How are things with your situation now?