Unsupportive partner new ds 3 weeks old

[vimtolover]

my partner is really stressing me out and I felt like walking out tonight. I am now downstairs on the setee with ds 3 weeks old in his Moses basket. He has had to do all the practical jobs for the last 4 weeks as I was so heavily pregnant and then had an emergency c section so I am still recovering. Keep in mind I used to do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning plus work full time before the birth. he already has 2 sons from his ex, and we have them half the time except I asked for some time at home without them while I got into a pattern, however he has seemed totally obsessive Bout them more since the birth and I am feeling really annoyed as I could do with him thinking a bit more about us. He is even talking about taking time off work next week to go camping with them, to which I thought ....thanks a lot!
Tonight we took ds to the doctors S I have been up all night for the last few due to him having colic or lactose intolerance. The doctor prescribed some drops to Add to breast milk, bit diddly as I have to express onto a spoon a d mix drops before each feed. Do was already really funny with me. He seems to resent me breastfeeding, says I am making the baby clingy, I think it's him trying to get back at me because I find his eldest son of 14 totally clingy and whenever he is here none of us can get any time as he sticks to his dad and gets upset if he doesnt have all the attention. I find him immature compared to other children of the same age and I find be irritates me as he is really competitive with everyone and everything and takes all his dads Ttention, hence I dread him stYing, especially now as I need the support. Dp seems to be a bit rough with my new ds and seems to be being funny with me. Tonight be screamed at me that our relationship was shit. I am so exhausted T the mo anyway, I feel vulnerable and I dint want his other kids here comparing stuff that they then go and tell his ex. I think I want to end it as I can't believe he can be so awful so soon and also when he knows how tired I am. I never wake him at all, I've been doing it all myself in order to keep him okay fir work. I just feel rubbish. A

I think your dp feels like his older children are being pushed out. They should see their dad just as much as they did before the baby, its just now during that time your dp needs to include your baby too. When you say he issometimes rough with the baby could it be that he is more confident having had the other 2?

There is so much going on here. You are a first-time mum and therefore it is hard, plus c-section, plus breastfeeding etc, etc. Is there any chance you can get your mum or another member of the family to come down, help out? Have you RL friends who can come in for a bit? Or just come and admire the baby and pay you a little attention?
Even if you and DP were on your own, you'd probably be feeling a bit crap with the sleeplessness etc, etc.
I think it's really hard to expect you and the SSS not to feel resentful etc, but your DP should be in there and in charge of keeping everyone happy. Of course your feelings change towards them now you have your own baby. It's adjustment for everyone and will take some time.
Can you set some rules - me and baby are in the bedroom, no coming in unless invited. When you are up and in the living room they can coo/play.
When is the HV next due to call? Can you give her a call?

Hv is on holiday until 30 th August so it's a while off. I still don't see that giving me a few weeks, a month, to get into a pattern with my first new baby is too much to ask. The kids can come round but not stay for entire weekends as they just take over. Surely that's not unreasonable. They have been for tea 3 times last week, stayed on Saturday night, went back Sunday afternoon, then back again Monday probably tonight although I don't know as dp and me not speaking to each other. He also said that as his ex is going out Again, that we are having them again this weekend, and then the following week he is taking time off work and taking them camping, to the seaside etc.....they are hardly left out. If anything I am being neglected and so is his newborn son and it's me that needs the help and support. 4 weeks would not have hurt him or the kids, as he would still see them, but no one seems to care about what I need physically or emotionally.

I know its hard for you because you don't feel he is supporting you but i don't think the arrangments he had with his other children should have to change.

Did he put his older children first before you were pregant?

I think he is just really trying to show his older children his relationship with them wont change because you have had a baby together. He should be supporting you alot more but maybe he is finding you not wanting his children around hard.

I agree with what you say about him finding it hard with me not wanting his children around, but it was only while I found my feet, and it wasn't EVER it was just for full weekends etc... Plus the eldest is so consuming and it annoys me. I end up going off into my bedroom By myself and now with baby. Perhaps I am not cut out for being a step mum. I feel less okay about it now than ever, because I feel I need the support and it's all about them. They should be a little more grown up in my opinion, they are very immature for their age, I was off with my friends at their age. The eldest only wants his dad. It bugs me.

They had all the attention when they were babies why can't my baby have that?

What do they do together? Do they watch films ? go for walks ? would you be happy with them there more if your dp included your baby abit more ?

Can you ask your dp to help you more without mentioning his other children. So thats its not you need to do more with this baby and less with them because i can see that sort of thing would get his back up.

I really do think he should be doing more with the baby. When his older son annoys you could you leave your baby with your dp and you have a lie down without taking baby with you ?

Because your baby isn't the first child. I'm sorry, I know that must be really hard, especially as he is your first, but if you knew that your DP had 50% residency with his children, then it's something that needs to be factored in. In most families the first baby gets showered with attention, and the second and subsequent ones have to fit in with everyone else's needs.

I can see some things in your post which make me a bit about your DP, like you doing all the housework before even though you worked full time, but him continuing to give attention to his older children and want them around even though you have a new baby is not unreasonable. If they were your own children, you wouldn't shut them out of their own sibling's first weeks, no matter how old they were. Maybe these children in particular are annoying or demanding or whatever, but that's a separate issue entirely.

I really think you are focussing too much on your dislike of the oldest DSS and what you perceive as your 'rights' as a new mother. When you get together with a man who already has children you must know that the children mostly come first - I think you are sad because you want the whole 'new baby' experience and you feel like you are not getting it. You need to dwell on all the positives of having two older children in the family - there are many. Also, to your friends and family this is Vimto's first baby, invite them round and lap up the attention! Please don't say anything you can't take back - this is a difficult time.

I haven't said anything. Infect he has just come home and announced we have the kids tonight and he has gone to collect them. No apology for last night, no mention of it. He has said hello to the baby and gone to get them almost straight away. I could slit my wrists, I don't feel like seeing te kids at all tonight because of the tension between me and dp.
And the kids will want my computer and it's an iPad and they fight over it so I never relax. Anyway thanks for all the posts, I k ow I need to see the positives but his ex needs to be a better mother that way dp could relax more and then we could have a life without him constantly worrying about the other kids so much and it could be more normal. I haven't even got washed and dressed today yet, .and he has gone to get them and I bet one of them comments on me looking a mess. I give up for now, can't wait until I can lift the car seat in and out so I can drive and get out of here. I think I am depressed but I don't know why. I do think dp is slot to blame. I can't cant act like nothing has happened. I feel like I need a very heartfelt apology and a lot more understanding.

He must miss his kids if he's used to seeing them a lot. It's the pressure you feel when they're there that is the problem, not the children themselves.

He does sound a bit of a cocklodger though, you pay for most things at your joint family home and did all the housework while working full-time?

He needs to know what's bothering you and how you feel about things and for your feelings and needs to be taken into consideration.
For instance, if it's your Ipad, then keep it!

Whatever you do, do not get up and start looking after the three of them.

Imho, there's a lot of dislike coming through in your posts and it sounds like you really resent DP's kids, and you're the one that's jealous of him paying them attention as much as the other way around. Life doesn't stand still just because you have a baby; these kids have needs too, and stopping them coming round because you have a baby of your own would send them the wrong message - it would say, we don't want or need you, we have our own family.

And think about dp, constantly stuck in the middle of all this bad feeling. Eldest SS clearly has a heckuva lot of issues around his parent's breakup if he's "clingy" (though I would find that irritating as hell too!!), and I think you should try and be more understanding of them both. DP must carry a lot of guilt around, seeing the effect his decisions have had on his kids. 14's a difficult age even when life's peachy, it must be disasterous if your "rock" has moved out and moved on.

Lastly -- you sound exhausted. You also sound really low. I confess I have no experience, but I'm surprised nobody has suggested that some post-natal depression might be creeping in here too?

Read my previous messages about how often the kids are here. They are not left out at all. I was in a real state after my c section and am still very sore and not well so it's not jealousy, it's practical and emotional.

I think you are seeing them far too often and at too short notice. My dsc came much less around the first month and dhs (lovely) ex was really understanding about it. This is your special time with a newborn and it must be awful to know at the last minute that you have to accommodate them.

Your dh sounds really odd in his attitude. Did he want this baby? Does he realise that newborns and his wife who has just given birth take priority?
You poor thing I feel for you.

He should be making time for you and your new baby and be establishing a routine and a relationship with the newborn.

He needs to realise that it is you and the baby that needs looking after for a bit.

It is hard to have kids over at that age when you feel down, ill and have a new child to look after.

It sounds like he just doesn't care enough.

HUGE CONGRATS on the birth of your yummy little DS! The first weeks are tough, but you will get there!

Right, I think you need to be a bit more brave for a little while longer and stand up for yourself.

You need help from DP, TELL him what you need and when, write a list/rota if need be. I'd also get the DSS to help too, get them to help clearing, tidying and cleaning. That'll keep them busy. Oh and your iPad? Your say-so. If you don't want them fighting over it, you can say NO. Or limit the time they have on it, or link chores to it and get them to EARN their time on it. Right now you need a routine in place, and you can start with those that CAN be told what to do, the lil fella will catch on in time! Stop letting DP dictate everything, YOU need to get your environment right, and you need to continue being the brilliant mum that you are being to your DS.

Ask DP what his plans are for the next day so that you can tell him you need him to mind DS at such and such a time so you can get a shower/dressed etc. then you need to sort out time to get anything you need to do done. If he refuses to do this, he is being grossly unreasonable

If you are still not up and running due to the surgery, get online and order in a ton of ready meals. get DP or even your DSS to cook them!

WRT the boys visits, you need your DP to let you know in advance when they are coming over, explaining that while you love having them over, you are struggling a little physically, and logistically for the moment. If you agree with him every other day, or one day on, 2 days off until you are fully recovered?

He HAS to pitch in, he HAS to be reasonable. His treatment of you and your DS is bothering me, but I am conscious of the potential for my projecting, so am trying really hard not to.

How exausting to even attempt doing that after a difficult birth and no sleep though. All that confrontation. You should just be cuddling and feeding at that stage.

I feel bad about this too. I had an emergency C section and all I could do the first weeks is take care of me and baby. He was preemie, in hospital two weeks. No cooking, laundry, care of older child. That is your IPad. A NO should suffice. And that 14 year old sounds annoying as hell. You need someone to take care of you. How about your parents?

Thanks so much for the last few posts who understand what I am on about. Thanks for seeing I am not being unfair about ss it's just I do really need some time and emotional support. Dp is upstairs now with his sons and they are all on the computer or x box, my ds is up with them and I can't rest. Anyway at just 3 weeks I didn't get what I asked for, which was a month. So not sure what to feel or do. Apart from last night I have either been on my own or the kids have been here so no time with dp.

I know it must be very hard for you to be coping with all of these feelings at a time when,presumably, you expected to feel on top of the world and had hoped that you and your dh could share these exciting first few weeks of your ds's life BUT I think that your dh sounds like he's devoted to his other children and is very likely to be feeling a bit anxious that they will be feeling left out.
I come from a different perspective than the other posters on here as I am in a civil partnership, the bio mother to our oldest son but non bio mother to our youngest. When our new baby was born I worried that my partner would love her biological baby more than our older son- completly irrationally btw as she has never shown any differentiation between our sons but the only experience of parenting I had at that point was my bio son and the love I felt for him. Our newborn didn't need me - the first few weeks of a new baby's life, especially when it is bf, it really does only need it's mother. This is both demanding on the mother but can be alienating for the other parent( especially if your dh is so used to being actively involved in his other dss lives) as there is little bar doing the household chores and helping clean the baby and change nappies that they can 'usefully' do. Whereas his older children still 'need' him as much now as they did before the baby was born. Emotional support is different and were it not for the great communication between me and my partner, I would have had no idea that I wasn't offering her the support she needed- I thought I was offering all the support in the world and was horrified to realise that this wasn't the case. Please talk to your dh and tell him what you need from him.

Needless to say I now know that it is possible to love all your children whether 1st or 31st, biological or non biological, equally - it's easier for your dh to 'priorotise' his existing children - he's had years to get to know them whereas the newborn is still a stranger to him, you've had 10mths to get to know your baby and the love you feel for him is overpowering and all encompassing. I expect in a few month's time your dh will show that he feels the same even if he isn't showing it now. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your lovely new addition.

Why is your baby up with them? Go and fetch him you will feel better

HiVimto,

just wanted to say that I completely understand where you are coming from, it can be really difficult trying to do the best thing for everyone. But in imho you dh is out of order, I don't think you are trying to push his chidren away, you are just asking them not to say overnight for a month. You're not saying they can't come round at all, just a little bit less for a month.

I feel completely frusatrated on your behalf as it sounds like you dh's ex decides to go away and you have the children . You are not at her beck and call, The visits from you ss should be planned and at regular intervals, not when she fancies going away. You need to start to be assertive with your dh.

I also understand how unomfortable you might feel when trying to establish breast feeding and recovering from birth with people other then your dh around.

what made me very cross was your ss balancing a dvd over the babies head and on the moses basket, wtf, he's 14 not 4. I understand that he may feel left out but this is no way to behave.

As you might be able to tell, I've been in the same type of situation.

Due to a fall out with his mum, ss came to live with us just after ds was born, very small house, only one living area, and I have to say I spent alot of time sitting upstairs. Ds was tongue tyed, so couldn't breast feed, so spent every 2 hours expressing. Felt like a heffer as it was, didn't want an a teenage audience to go along with it. so I completety understand how you feel. SS was also very clingy to Dad and wouldn't leave him alone. I mean I would be upstairs pumping with the door closed, dp would come in to see how I was and within mins ss would be outside the door asking for something.

The only thing that I can suggest is this,

Don't tell ss off, let dh do it. If he is holding a dvd over ds's face move ds. Don't leave ss with ds at all.

Try to have clear routines set in place as to when children are visiting and for how long.

have clear expectations that you are not tidying up after them, or cooking and cleaning up. They are old enought to do that themselves.

Also don't worry about what their mum is thinking, don't care if ss tell her you haven't washed for days and are still in your pj's, she's not an important part of your life (fcuk her)

hope things get better for you, which they will in the end.

You sound exhausted. Do you have family you can visit, who will take care of you? You do know that is exactly what he should be doing right now?

Why have you chosen to have a baby with a man who is so lacking in support? You have had a major operation. Yes, they are also his children and yes they should be involved but he isn't neglecting them by helping and supporting you through these first few weeks. In fact, they are at the age where they will take their cue from him and look at his actions as how they should treat women. At 12 and 14 they are perfectly old enough to understand that a new mother needs a little space and that a new mother who has undergone a major operation needs her partners support and a little quiet time.

When you got together or first got pregnant how did you discuss what would happen after the baby was born. DH and I discusses how if I managed to express he would do the midnight feed (eg) so I could sleep through until the early morning one. We also talked about how he would need to lessen his workload for the first month to enable him to take on almost 100% of the household stuff. So is your DH going back on all these things? He should be;

1)Explaining to his teenage sons that whilst he loves them very much, his partner needs him right now.
2) Doing 100% of the household chores for at least 2wks to allow you to begin to recover from the surgery and to bond with your newborn.
3)Wholeheartedly supporting your choice of feeding.
4)Showing you every second what an amazing father he is to all three boys.
5)Telling you you are beautiful even though you look and feel like shit.
6)Telling you it's ok and normal to be teary and over-protective and discussing with you ways to involve the older boys without making you feel nervous.

This is how most men behave. If he is not behaving this way he is an arse. I really hope you have family you can visit who will offer you real (normal levels of) support.
Good Luck!

Great replies, thanks you have helped me a lot. I tried to sort it out last night but he kicked off at me again and I ended up sleeping on the settee again downstairs, crying my self to sleep again. I think I am going to write it all down today and just leave it for him to read. I don't know what's happened. He was fantastic before this, has always been a bit neurotic with regard to the older kids, which is why I thought he would be truly fantastic with a baby. He can't see that me asking for time to settle into a routine is understandable, and thank you for the post re me not wanting to be hand expressing and feeding in front of 2 teenage boys, instead I rush it now in case someone comes in. I've been having to express 20 mls with my hand to give him drops and it's really diddly.

Why are you sleeping on the sofa??!!
Even if you've had a falling out, what sort of wanker lets the mother of his child sleep on a sofa 3 weeks after major abdominal surgery?!

I'm so pissed off for you.