Naffing people off

[Valetude]

Namechanger here (sorry).

For the past few years now, I've had the feeling I've naffed off quite a number of people who I really didn't want to. It's starting to bother me as I get older, because (frankly) good friendships aren't easy to come by, and I clearly need a better attitude and also a better barometer of who is likely to reciprocate friendship. I feel like I see a couple of these people behaving with such a bad attitude to others (eg really patronising or dismissive) and yet people seem to fall over themselves to spend time with them, and completely ignore their tactlessness. I don't feel that people do that with me.

I wanted to ask, if you think about the people who sometimes piss you off, but you can gloss over it, what is it you like about them so much?

Well nobodys perfect really are they? I'm certainly not. People really don't like to be judged. Maybe in future if the comment isn't directed at you and the narrator hasn't asked your opinion, best to stay out of it.

Examples..

Friend 1 - a right lazy cow finds in difficult to get out of bed and always cancelling arrangements on me.

Friend 2 - I call her "secrets and lies" as she never lets you know what she's doing until the last minute. I'm a "planner".

Friend 3 - has a big gob is very very forthright and can be hurtful at times.

Etc. etc.

So you see, everyone has their faults but there is sooo much else about them that I love.

Yep, sounds like your "bad attitude" is actually a bad case of black-and-white thinking. If you're expecting lovely people to be 100% lovely, 100% of the time, you're asking the impossible. You'd be disappointed when they turned out to be human after all, that would show, and it would put people off you; nobody wants to be held to superhuman standards!

A lighter touch may be called for :)

To be honest, being really good company/amusing/interesting counts for a lot. I have a couple of friends who are utterly unreliable but because we have such a good time when we're together I cut them a lot of slack. Mind you, I would never consider them really close friends for this reason.

And agree with garlicbutter that everyone has faults, I'm sure my friends get hacked off with me too sometimes!

MIL - Speaks before she thinks very very loudly, makes Hitler sound like Mother Teresa, A Scots Hyacinth Bouquet, in fact.

She is also, kind, extremely helpful, wonderful granny and when she forgets she is poster OAP for the Daily Fail, amusing too. I love her.

One of my closest friends is actually a miserable old bag a fair proportion of the time - has a very sharp tongue and is definitely a glass-half-empty type. I know no-one better at deflating a good mood in double-quick time!

But... she's very reliable, she's always got time for me, we have tonnes in common and I can always make her laugh. We never get bored of each other's company and understand each other really well. Yes, her pessimism bugs me at times but I love her to bits. And I know I bug the hell out of her too!

FWIW, I'm spend half my life convinced I've pissed X or Y off, only to discover I was worrying about absolutely nothing...

Some of the 'faults' my friends have - Drama Queen, Truth exaggerator, Copy cat, Allergic to cleaning, Pushy... But my faults include - Snappy and A bit 'direct'. We all still manage to be kind to one another and not let each other down when it matters. I nearly had a row with a flakey friend the other day but it turned out she was just trying to hide my 'surprise' birthday plans. I got quite snappy with her but we laughed about it afterwards. No one is perfect. If you feel you are not in the centre of things and you'd like to be a bit more then try organising more get togethers. Most people will be happy to show up for a few wines away from the DCs whether you are their favourite person or not!

Thanks, those are nice stories and good for reminding me not to be too paranoid.

I promise I'm not expecting people to be perfect, I suppose I'm sad because I'm seeing (not calling out) a couple of people behaving badly and feeling sidelined by those same people for reasons I don't understand. I'm prone to the odd bout of toe-curling tactlessness but emphatically not horrible, so it's upsetting me to be left behind by people whose behaviour I've shrugged off in the past.

Well that's how it goes but I hate those heartsink moments (why I posted today and probably shouldn't have, really, without a massive long post about who/what, v boring, sorry).

Ah well, sorry I went a bit overboard! Perhaps those you mentioned just are nasty people ... and maybe they're 'sidelining' you because you're too nice for their shenaningans :)